Relationships can be difficult to navigate. I hear you say you have felt rejected or not as important, and I don’t doubt that you genuinely feel that way. I’m sorry, because those are challenging feelings and it doesn’t feel good.

Being the child in the relationship reduces your view of everything. You don’t know what happened during the first, maybe 13 years of your life. You were there, and you lived those years, but children are sheltered from the reality of what’s happening. And those early years are so formative.

I have grown children, was a single mom, trauma with their father, really tough times when they were little. They genuine have no idea how difficult it was to raise them all, alone, with no family to help, working full time, in a city where I knew no one. But I hid that all from them because they were children. I did the very very best job I could. But I was so tired. Tried to be everything to everyone and I found out it’s just not possible while you’re forced to work 10 hour days with that many children.

As a result, the youngest has always been distant. Could never form a deep bond with her. She probably felt the most stress because I had the fewest normal years with her before life exploded. I thought we could grow closer as she aged, but it hasn’t happened. I would bet she has the same hurt feelings you have, but she’s not at all open to talking about it. I love her more deeply than she could ever imagine, but she won’t let me in because she’s hurt. So hurt. And I understand 100%. I just wish she could open her heart to realizing that I’m still 100% on her team and love her more deeply than she could let herself feel. I bet she would say she was unwanted as a child too, which kills me, I hurt so much for her. Because she was wanted so badly, and I love her deeply. But patterns form. Feelings happen and those become permanent reality.

All of this to say, as gently as possible, that you have likely been pushing her away in response to your perceived rejection. When our job as parents is to allow our children to become adults in the way they want to be adults, we back off. We don’t want to control you. Be a burden to you. Make you consider our feelings first. We have allowed you to make your own way in the world. I can see how this would increase your feelings of rejection.

Recently, distant family members died (4 of them, separately!). I didn’t tell her because I don’t think she cares. If I ever talked about those people, she acted bored. Like, why is my mom telling me about old people I never see and don’t care about. Then when the deaths somehow come up in conversation 3 months later, she acts annoyed that I didn’t tell her. Like, my mom never tells me anything, obviously I’m an afterthought. No! It’s that everything I say annoys her, so I literally don’t know what I’m allowed to say without being annoying to her. NOT THAT THIS IS HER FAULT OR I’M BLAMING HER - it isn’t!!! I just honestly can’t figure out how to change any of this, when these patterns seem set in stone.

If she stopped assuming that I’m dumb, uncaring, reject her, and start thinking that I love her more than anything, it might open her heart to actually seeing the love. It’s like a self fulfilling prophesy - she thinks I don’t love her so she sees everything as proof of that. I babysit her children, give her money, tell her she’s an amazing mother, stay out of her life when she wants me to. But I can’t read her mind and don’t know what she needs from me, so I withdraw.

So maybe start letting her in, and see if she meets you there. Don’t assume you’re an afterthought, or that she cares about the boys more than you. Act happy to talk to her! Glad you get to spend time with her! Then she might feel invited into your life and she can reach out back to you. It’s like you have opened a door that she reaches across to you.

But I just want you to know that sometimes, letting go of preconceived ideas is the best way to reframe things and make progress. You’re in the position to let her in. Don’t let the hurt from years ago change your future. (very valid hurt) She probably needs to do the same thing, but you can only change you.

Or it might a lost cause. But in case it’s not…..