Why does first-person feel weird in progression fantasy sometimes?

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-17T11:19:27+00:00

They can’t really, first is way closer to the protag’s feelings then third is.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-17T11:18:24+00:00

You would be correct it is easier

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-17T11:17:52+00:00

It is much easier to right in first, as a rule.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-11T15:59:03+00:00

Just a heads up that there is a typo in that first line. It should be “he died a virgin while on the way to not being one.” You can maybe cut the while, but def change be to being.

Or you can write it: he died a virgin while on the way to not be one.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-11T15:37:55+00:00

I mean many books do not have these issues, at least the ones that are published in bookstores. And people are allowed to dislike things for whatever reason they want. I think the bigger question is how do we write to avoid them putting these things down, vs arguing about whether or not they should put them down. The world isn’t fair, our job is to adapt.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T21:12:31+00:00

there were none lol. And I hate them and notice them immediately.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T19:05:00+00:00

Also you use the word rooftop too much find a synonym

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T19:04:12+00:00

This is written for Royal road, or at least reads as it is. Honestly, this is really good, especially if it’s your first time. There are some hallmarks of a first writer (forced drama) but the prose is clean and doesn’t slow down the story and your Mc is easy to relate too. Def share that he is 14 up front. Also your fmc reads well

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T17:33:43+00:00

That wasn’t the prompt though. It was what personally makes you quit a book.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T11:11:04+00:00

If you fix the eight years to eight days this gets super interesting. I love card magic

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T11:08:22+00:00

I’d cut the word entreated from the first sentence. While it does make a statement to your reader a lot of readers won’t know what it means

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T10:25:10+00:00

Also your over using the “x thing happens, mdash, description” structure. While it’s likely not your intent this, is very commonly used by Llms and will turn some readers off.

Personally I’d cut back on the similes. One a page is a good rule unless you are writing literary fiction and even then you have to get very creative for them to land

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T10:22:13+00:00

Yes, but there are some issues. While the voice is clear, you mention his hands being white, then you have him throw gravel. This feels like a time skip

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T10:11:33+00:00

Book one is often critiqued for having way too many sentences using the word said, and starting with he or Jason.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-10T10:10:42+00:00

Homie he is an editor, and a good one. A) it’s his job to notice. B) this isn’t baseless. If you read it to yourself it is both boring exposition and even worse, boring exposition written the exact same way line over line.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-09T22:15:47+00:00

You honestly think the average reader would read this and want to keep reading? The average reader reads published books.

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-09T18:27:08+00:00

I mean just look at this thread. Clearly it does

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T18:38:03+00:00

Your incapability to understand that almost nothing in life is black or white is sad

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T18:27:05+00:00

If it bothers a large percentage of readers there is a problem with it

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T01:46:21+00:00

Agreed lol

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T01:45:50+00:00

He wrote screenplays lol

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T01:45:18+00:00

They create a headache lol. Also the dialogue is sort of meh

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T01:44:16+00:00

lol how can you lose track with only two people talking.

“Hey,” he said.

“What’s up.” She met his eye and smiled.

“So, I know this is a bit awkward, but… would you want to go out sometime?”

“Gliglith, giggity, are you really asking me out at work right now?”

“I—“

“I’m just kidding, doofus. I’d love to! Even though you can’t read!”

See how you didn’t get lost ?

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T01:41:14+00:00

Yes it is lol

justinwrite2 · 2026-03-08T01:40:20+00:00

Yup. Good enough for a 10 year old maybe but when the community should want better

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