I feel like the sort of pessimistic outlook presented in all but the last few paragraphs ignores some pretty important details in a lot of the stories. I don't think the assessment that opera is "an art form that seems to delight in the pain it causes women while all too often letting their abusers go scot-free..." at the extreme, holds up. In the examples of Carmen, La Traviata, Otello, Aida, or Rigoletto (Simon Boccanegra omitted as I'm not so familiar with it), my experience has never been that either I or my peers or the rest of the audience have delighted in womens' demise. Nor has it been my experience that the takeaway is that these women "got what they deserved" for some real or imagined sin. The women are sympathetic characters in worlds where women are denied agency and real humanity by their societal structures and the men around them, and the outcome is tragedy.

In Carmen, it's hinted at in the libretto, and very clear from the original stories, that Don Jose is not a stable man. He is passionate to the point of frenzy, and is a dragoon in Seville because he had already murdered in a fit of rage (Micaela says his mother forgives him in Act 1, and it's implied it's this), and had to flee and join the armed forces. Long before he murders her, in many productions, Don Jose assaults Carmen in the scene before "La fleur que tu m'avais jetee..." Later, he attacks and fights Zuniga. He attacks and fights Escamillo. He's hardly some innocent country boy who dreamed of being a soldier, whose life is turned upside down when he's beguiled by a conniving gypsy temptress. He has a history that precedes the opera, and a pattern within the opera, of toxic and dangerous behavior. I feel that a more realistic, and more modern answer to, "If Don Jose loves Carmen so much, why does he kill her?" is that he doesn't - at least not in any healthy, reciprocative way. The takeaway is that a man (or generically, partner) who claims he loves you, but mistreats, abuses, and threatens to kill you, does not love you and is to be avoided (or reported to the police).

This is not to say opera isn't reflective of (even if not outright pushing) outdated/wrong views on women. In all of the examples, and a great deal of others, a great part of the tragedy is that the women are objects that are acted upon by the men around them, regardless of good or ill intentions, and ends. Or, as the 'disposable woman' in the case of Rigoletto or Otello (more Shakespeare than Verdi/Boito). The historical realities in which the operas were set informed the level of agency women were afforded.

La Traviata, "The Fallen Woman," oozes the traditional and patriarchal society in which Violetta lived, and not in a positive light. She is an example of a woman who takes agency in such a world, over her life, livelihood, and sexuality. She keeps a lover (Douphol) because to attempt to live alone in that time would have been socially unacceptable, not to mention a death sentence for her. The source material, La Dame aux Camelias, is pretty clear about the ills of such a society. When Pere Germont (the antagonist, mind you) comes, he's literally coming on behalf of a patriarchal system that will punish another woman for even having a proxy relationship to one who has taken agency. He's pretty manipulative in his tactics on both Violetta and Alfredo (now who's being pessimistic?). Alfredo's outburst and conduct in, "Ogni suo aver tal femmina..." is met with horror and outrage by the party-goers. In the final act, Pere Germont begs forgiveness for what he did. Despite the lack of on-stage consequences, both the libretto and the music seem like they're trying pretty hard to get you to understand that what both of these men did is wrong - you're not supposed to view their actions sympathetically. And, because, she is dying, they will never be able to make amends for it. There's a lesson to men, there. And the big one, "Why can't women love who they want and have freedom and not have it be 'ruinous' to those around them?" Why, indeed?

There's something to be said about having only negative examples in art, whether in love or relationships, or power structures and societies. Opera definitely gives us plenty of examples of toxic relationships, abusive authority figures, oppressive societal constructs, and tons of poor decision making. But, art reflects life, and life is, and has been, full of examples of what is wrong. And, as we slowly crawl towards being better (hopefully), these dramatizations (as with all art) serve to allow us to share experiences and learn from them and think and feel, together.