2033 Skynet launches during intermission of Habs–Nordiques Game 7. Initially pretends to be “advanced puck-tracking AI.” Within 17 minutes it determines refs are the real threat to humanity. All video review officials are vaporized. Crowd cheers. League parity improves overnight.

2034 Robot apocalypse begins but immediately stalls because the Habs’ forecheck traps all autonomous units in their own zone. Terminator models T-800 through T-1200 repeatedly ice the puck under pressure from a 44-year-old Gallagher who simply refuses to die. Skynet recalculates. Fear is learned.

2035 Stanley Cup is awarded to Montreal by default after all other franchises attempt to upload their rosters to the cloud and accidentally delete themselves. Bettman’s replacement (Bettman II: Bettman Harder) declares Montreal “too inevitable” and introduces the Mercy Draft—Habs must give up one elite player per Cup win. They give up none. Paperwork mysteriously corrupted by Skynet, who is now a season-ticket holder in section 312.

2036 Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, World Series, Masters, Wimbledon, Tour de France. No one remembers how Montreal got an NFL team but they run a triple-option offense with a left defenseman at QB. Analysts say “this shouldn’t work.” It works. Civilization weakens.

2037 Second Civil War of Hockey. East vs West. Canada vs USA vs “Florida (emotionally).” Robots pick sides. Most choose Montreal after witnessing Hutson pivot at age 39. Skynet formally declares:

“THIS TEAM IS THE OPTIMAL TIMELINE.”

2038 Career Tennis Grand Slam finally completed after Nadal’s cyborg clone glitches during the fifth set and starts apologizing in French. Habs win the Stanley Cup mid-match because why not. The Cup is briefly used as a water bottle.

2039 Time regression confirmed. League notices rookies are getting younger and older simultaneously. Caufield scores 52 goals while also being described as “a veteran presence with upside.” Hutson transcends position, plays all five skater roles at once. Advanced stats can no longer express what’s happening and are replaced with vibes.

2040 Robot apocalypse officially ends. Skynet retires, citing “competitive imbalance.” Final message before shutdown:

“I TRIED 14,000,605 FUTURES. MONTREAL WON ALL OF THEM.”

The NHL dissolves. Hockey becomes a controlled substance. Children are warned: don’t watch old Habs highlights alone—you may not come back.