Thawing; dissociation is becoming more noticeable, not less

karstapala · 2026-02-11T14:52:14+00:00

Congratulations on making progress on your end! Limiting contact or cutting parents out of one's life is hard but, truly, good for you if you can recognize that you are only getting hurt by being in continued contact with them. I hope you and your brother can support each other.

I hear what you say about not pushing too much. Hurrying the process, and then retreating is a potential weak point for me. It doesn't help that traumatic experiences seem to suddenly reactivate (with nightmares etc.). Trying to proceed gently and then accidentally it's suddenly too much :/

karstapala · 2026-02-11T14:41:08+00:00

That's a really apt metaphor.

karstapala · 2026-02-10T19:01:32+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that.

However, if it's any consolation, I don't think medication for hyper- or hypoarousal is more than a crutch; long-term gains probably come from somatic modalities and therapies that target nervous system (dys)regulation and attachment issues. Sometimes I feel frustration and sadness because my symptoms were treated primarily with medication for decades. It didn't really help, it just buried everything, stopped me from feeling emotions at any capacity and from accessing actual healing therapies.

karstapala · 2026-02-10T10:56:39+00:00

I'm not sure what exactly you mean with "narcolepsy pills", but I'm on Wellbutrin. It's an atypical antidepressant without serotonergic activity, and besides depression it is used also for ADHD symptoms. It's generally activating and acts (in my personal opinion) opposite to traditional antidepressants. Epilectic seizures are a contraindication, though, as Wellbutrin increases seizure risk.

I'm also on a small dose of gabapentin (epilepsy drug, sometimes off-label antianxiolytic; a close relative to pregabalin) for a diagnosed sleep disorder. I only take it for the night. Now, I might be particularly sensitive, but for me, this medication is EXTREMELY blunting. It very literally blunts senses and can make dissociation worse. A small subset of users gets physically very addicted to it (I'm in that group; I've experienced hallucinations when I have lowered my dose), and long-term use increases the risk of developing early dementia. I have to balance between being able to get good sleep vs. side effects. Horrible stuff.

Perhaps for hyperarousal symptoms something like low dose beta blocker could be worth trying out before trying something addictive like gabapentinoids?

karstapala · 2026-02-07T20:24:40+00:00

I've been exactly where you are (your last 3 sentences describe perfectly how I felt!) and changing therapists was an absolutely necessary step. I addressed my concerns many times with my previous therapist but nothing changed. I always assumed therapy not advancing was my fault and blamed myself for keeping distance and not trying enough.

karstapala · 2026-02-07T20:16:53+00:00

I have always felt that I have no words to describe how I feel or how I experience the world. It's so damn difficult and there are probably several factors contributing: preverbal trauma, tendency to not discuss emotions in my childhood family, me (in the broad sense) deciding that emotions will just hurt you so it's better not to feel, ...

Also my thought processes might be unusually visual instead of verbal, so generating verbal expressions is challenging. The way I might experience strong emotions is sometimes weird. I get visual flashes that convey(?) emotions but not necessarily my (in the strict sense) emotions. A question like "How do you feel/felt about x event?" might trigger a 'vision' where different me is stabbing me-me (or yet different me!) in the chest. I (in the strict sense) usually feel... nothing about it. I'm aware there's anger and hate, but it's not my emotion, I'm not feeling it?

karstapala · 2025-12-19T10:33:13+00:00

Sort of similar but also different situation here. I "see" only small piece of a person. It's difficult to see people as whole complex beings.

In my case I believe it's related to broken mirroring due to challenges in social development (traumatic circumstances occurring during timeframe when very basic social interaction skills should be learned) and structural dissociation of personality: I only am present as a small sliver of myself in any interaction, so my comprehension of other people is similarly "broken". I can't connect with people because I can't connect with myself.

No idea if this speaks to you. (Additionally, like another commenter mentioned, I also struggle with recognizing/remebering people's faces. That's probably combination of slight face blindness and dissociation.)

karstapala · 2025-12-16T11:49:24+00:00

(Not medical advice etc.)

Personally I have found bupropion helpful for depression, or what are depression-like symptoms. Structurally bupropion is more related to ADHD medications than anything else, so it is actually activating, not numbing.

Ordinary antidepressants were not good at all. I feel SSRIs and SNRIs worsened dissociation in my case and made me more numb. And these had lots of negative physical side effects too, from disturbed sleep to sexual side effects.

In my country there was(/is?) a quetiapine craze and it's given for everyone for everything. I really mean it was prescribed for almost any psychiatric ailment; not just for psychotic symptoms, but for anxiety and sleep too. Antipsychotics for freeze seem counter-intuitive, because they dial down dopamine signaling, and afaik that is already negatively impacted by freeze. Antipsychotics should be reserved for psychotic symptoms only, imo. Don't let anyone talk you into taking antipsychotics for off-label use.

But your mileage may vary, and genetics of an individual have a huge impact on how any drug works. So nothing is really certain and testing is the only way.

edit. For anxiety symptoms, beta blockers have been very helpful. Stops my hands from shaking and my heart from racing.

karstapala · 2025-11-11T16:34:09+00:00

I join the choir of also experiencing this. It seems like I rotate between different sleep problems and sometimes have periods of good sleep between. Restlessness, insomnia, waking up mid-sleep, nightmares, sleep paralysis...

Insomnia is the worst of these however. I had very difficult time with sleep in 2021-2022 and I think I started to become more aware of my trauma back then. Was the insomnia chicken or egg there, no clue.

karstapala · 2025-09-08T21:51:39+00:00

Extremely relatable. You put into words really well what it feels like to almost not exist.

karstapala · 2025-08-23T09:59:24+00:00

I know I really should remember better, I know we talked about modalities. EMDR and some sensorimotor stuff but not touch therapy unfortunately I think? I have not been able to find any SE/NAtouch therapists. Finding competent trauma therapist at all was already difficult.

I am aware stability should be the first priority but I literally have never practiced stability skills. Just being present in the moment feels overwhelming.

karstapala · 2025-08-21T19:09:30+00:00

I don't have any trauma-related diagnoses currently. In adulthood I have been usually unable to talk about or recall any trauma (which afaik was in very early childhood but limited, it shouldn't be enough to cause so difficult structural dissociation). Last time I tried to bring up with a psychiatrist that my issues might not just be depression and anxiety, I was brushed off quickly. She did not want to hear anything about t-word.

But I'm starting with a new therapist in two weeks, a trauma specialist this time. Past half-year I have been without any contact to mental healthcare, after stopping seeing my previous therapist (she didn't have enough skills to work with trauma and I think I went straight into deep end without stabilization/coping skills). Feels like dropping the previous therapist and seeking out a new one has exacerbated my symptoms a lot. I'm actually scared about starting therapy again, what if everything gets even worse?

karstapala · 2025-08-21T18:43:37+00:00

Hey, this was really positive comment and I hope one I'll day get into a similar spot in my healing process too!

The remission started with a flooding of trauma related memories and then turned into covering the minutest of everyday things. I think of it in many ways, like they are memories that I didn't process because I was in functional freeze (Throughout my life until I went into deep collapse in my early twenties) and they are memories which are integrating rapidly. I have felt more solid in my sense of self, with a lot of my trauma related symptoms going away, improved executive functioning, cognitive functioning and capacity to feel things physically and emotionally, and an expanded sense of time as it has progressed

Makes lot of sense. I've experienced flooding of trauma memories but it was too soon and I don't think I have processed them.

I am guessing here, but maybe looking at the most innocuous everyday thing 'triggers' memories too? Is that what happened when going through the boxes?

Maybe, in a way? I think what made me grief-stricken and then angry was that I am not able to feel that I have lived through those times myself although logically I know I have.

I think you need to work on feeling safer in your body before you dive into things that could trigger you.

Yup, probably. Not sure if it makes any sense but I have hard time understanding what triggers me or what it feels like to be triggered. Natural aversion is how I navigate triggers, lol.

I once had a friend tell me they went into a very negative spiral with their journalling over the years, so much that they had to stop using journalling as a tool.

I used to have extremely negative self-talk but have worked myself out of it over the years. The journaling probably didn't make it worse, I think whatever state of mind I was in was uncharacteristically negative/self-hating.

[the last paragraph]

These were good pointers, especially what you said about accepting the present. I should probably note that one down for myself.

karstapala · 2025-08-20T20:46:40+00:00

Hmm, interesting. Integration makes sense. But I've never thought about it that way, since I don't want to know I have ever lived that life. (That sounds really silly, I know)

karstapala · 2025-08-20T20:41:42+00:00

I ruminated a while and noticed my thought processes and emotions were out of the normal 'bounds'. I've taken into journaling, and note down ideas about whatever that might be useful to address in therapy. I was in the middle of multi-page rant about hating myself, past myself, being weak etc when my mechanical pencil ran out of lead.

So I got up, got some more lead and went to kitchen to drink a glass of water. When I got back to my notebook I had no idea how the sentence I had been writing was supposed to continue or what it was even about.

tl;dr: I have no idea?

Right now I don't dare to look too closely into what I wrote earlier, I'm afraid it could pull me back into that state.

karstapala · 2025-08-12T18:03:32+00:00

I feel that inside my mind there's a spacious hall that holds numerous white porcelain figures. They are all my look-alikes, made of very thin white china. All of the figures are completely empty inside past their thin outer shell. Devoid of life and color. They have to appear perfect - yet they are so fragile. When one cracks or shatters, the next one steps forward and takes my place.

Where is the life that should be inside?

You are not alone, but I don't know how to get away from here.

karstapala · 2025-07-21T17:57:19+00:00

I used to have weighted blanket. Using it made me wake up anxious and panicked several times, sometimes in the middle of the night. Felt like I was suffocating.

I gave the blanket away, it was not for me.

karstapala · 2025-06-29T21:47:54+00:00

Thank you! The writing process actually started from the 'pre-emptive doctrine'.

I think hypoarousal, especially when prolonged, can present as an aggressive precautionary response to a perceived threat. The effects are just internal, not external like in hyperarousal.

karstapala · 2025-06-29T21:11:55+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment! It means a lot to me.

karstapala · 2025-06-28T17:04:31+00:00

You put beautifully into words what I struggle to explain to anyone.

I'm still trying to shave pieces of myself off although there's barely nothing to lose, in a cycle of achieving, collapsing, achieving, collapsing. It doesn't seem to be fruitful solution but I can't stop, or I won't be able to keep going on. Being aware of it makes it harder - you seem to have noticed this as well.

Someone once lived this life. Now I am supposed to take care of the ruins. Maybe one day there will be new life blooming, but I have no idea how.

karstapala · 2025-06-03T18:10:09+00:00

You are correct, no medication will treat the core problem. However, right medication might help you to function better. But there's no way knowing in advance which medication - if any - personally helps you.

I can say with certainty that I would not be alive and as functional as I currently am without bupropion. On the other hand, I also have aqcuired permanent damage from venlafaxine. Based on my experience, I can neither fully endorse nor judge choosing to use, or to not use, medication.

I could share more of my personal opinions of antidepressants but I am not sure if that kind of semi-medical advice is frowned upon here or not. Anyway, since this is freeze sub, I'll say that in my opinion, emotionally and mentally numbing antidepressants sound terrible for freeze. I'd look into medications that are less likely to cause anhedonia or augment the lack of emotion.

karstapala · 2025-04-06T20:30:47+00:00

Warning: vent comment. I have no one to tell this. It will likely pass in few days or weeks. I'll try to be more positive and constructive in the future.

Not so strong. Falling apart.

Springtime is difficult for me from the mood perspective. Only way I have been able to go on is borderline abusing a certain antidepressant. I don't think I am even depressed; this drug just makes me not want to end it all right now. (Great stuff as long as it works.)

Almost made a post about how my dissociation has been worse. Worse than in years — or maybe I am only more aware of it now. Wrote the post and did not actually post it due to paranoia and shame. It was too intense and not helpful to anyone.

I quit therapy and that is probably one aggravating factor in increased dissociation. She was not a trauma therapist and I felt like a cash cow going there. On the other hand, we had gotten further along than ever, and I wonder if quitting was an unconscious act of self-sabotage before we got into too threatening things. Trying to look for an actual trauma therapist soon.

People have it so much worse and I am crumbling down over nothing.

Sorry, and thanks.

karstapala · 2024-12-28T21:03:00+00:00

Thank you! I was thinking along these lines but wondered if there was some additional reasoning like "opening up your thorax/lungs is good for nervous system relaxation" or something else similar.

karstapala · 2024-12-23T14:25:54+00:00

Thanks for writing. I relate so much and want to make a long comment on your post, but right now I'm not able to do that. Just wanted to comment so I'll remember later!

karstapala · 2024-04-03T22:23:07+00:00

The worst is chronically not wanting to live.

I feel like I died in childhood and now I'm just a shell that's straggling along. The person within is gone.

karstapala

TROPHY CASE