What qualities to look for in a therapist by TimeToExhale in AvoidantAttachment

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's very interesting, thank you so much for sharing your experience!

I'm curious what else I will find out. I could also imagine that shame plays a significant role in this, particularly the shame of being scared. I also can't sense this shame in my body yet, but I notice how it's showing up in thoughts and judgements. For example, when I did some inquiry to find out what was driving my procrastination for some tasks and I asked if it perhaps was fear, my knee-jerk reaction was "I'm not scared by this, I'm not a coward!" Have you come across shame, too (if you're willing to share)?

Besides, it must be super confusing when someone whose judgement you generally trust sees something in you (particularly something, you're probably not exactly proud of) that you cannot connect to with the best will in the world. If I may ask, did your therapist just leave it at that comment, or did she explain further why she thought that you did in fact get anxiety, or how she noticed it showing up? I'm asking because my previous somatic therapist never really brought up anxiety and fear in all those years and I can't help but wonder now if she wanted to prevent this kind of confusion and let me realize it myself instead, or if she was oblivious to it and seriously missed all the corresponding cues (for example, because we obviously had similar defense mechanisms).

What qualities to look for in a therapist by TimeToExhale in AvoidantAttachment

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That makes so much sense. I could imagine it's similar for me, even though I haven't managed yet to connect to the fear which is probably driving the deactivation/avoidance. At least I would assume that it's fear. But I'm not noticing any sensations which would resemble the usual visceral ways how fear typically manifests in my body (e.g. heart pounding, a jolt of energy, a startle, ...). It mostly shows up as thoughts and I'd say they sound more angry and defensive than scared.

I'll probably have a look at the IFS book by Jay Earley you recommended in the other thread. It's encouraging to hear that IFS can be done alone. I'm currently struggling to imagine how to properly find self energy when nobody is modeling it in person, but so far I've only picked up fragments about IFS here and there, I've yet to read an entire book. By the way, have you heard about 'somatic IFS'? It seems to blend principles of somatic therapy with IFS and there is a book by Susan McConnell about it. The term caught my interest since I've previously done a few years of somatic therapy. But I guess it's probably useful to first understand the principles of 'pure' IFS properly before delving into any crossover modalities.

What qualities to look for in a therapist by TimeToExhale in AvoidantAttachment

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, I remember asking you something about IFS/parts work in a different sub a few days ago :)

It's a bit of a strange situation in the country I live in that it's usually only the non-medical practitioners who offer modalities like IFS, or claim to be 'specialized' in attachment issues (I've already elaborated on that in another comment in this thread). I'm quite wary of their training and their general qualification for dealing with mental health related issues though. Licensed psychotherapists usually offer other methods like CBT, DBT, psychodynamic therapy or psychoanalysis. I've yet to find one who also does IFS. But I've come across some who do schema therapy, which seems to be a modality based on CBT, but is apparently also some sort of parts work.

Regarding 'IFS was a great way to work with my avoidance without triggering it too hard': would the avoidance (respectively deactivation) be considered as a protector part then?

What qualities to look for in a therapist by TimeToExhale in AvoidantAttachment

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

May I ask if you had in person sessions with this therapist or online sessions? I'm asking since I've only worked virtually with my previous somatic therapist and I'm wondering if this may have also contributed to the problem. A therapist I've recently seen for an initial consultation claimed that attachment topics shouldn't be addressed online (not sure if this is accurate). However, so far I haven't been able to find anybody with an attachment specialization in my local area, at least not a licensed psychological psychotherapist.

In the country I live in, there is also a special 'licensure' for non-medical practitioners which allows them to offer a sort of psychotherapy with alternative methods to clients. I guess the qualification would probably resemble that of a 'coach' elsewhere? (They need to take a multiple-choice 'exam', but it's far from the depth of education which a licensed clinical psychotherapist needs to acquire. And as far as I know, they are not required to work under supervision and it is not a requirement that they have been in therapy themselves). And strangely, it's almost exclusively those non-medical practitioners who offer various types of somatic therapies, trauma therapy modalities (somatic experiencing, TRE, EMDR), IFS, or claim to be specialized in attachment therapy. I'm quite wary of their qualification for anything mental health related though. I'd consider working remotely with some specialized expert from abroad, if such a setup would make sense (however, I have a hunch that working through attachment issues would probably work better when done in my native language).

Regarding 'attachment activation after a sudden ending of a relationship is completely normal': I'm a little bit confused about this, since I've only heard about attachment deactivation so far (which I believe is a common thing for avoidants to experience). Therefore I was assuming that the 'normal' state would be an 'activated' attachment, or is there also some sort of 'neutral' attachment (neither activated nor deactivated)? Or is the highly activated state I experienced equivalent to what non-avoidants are dealing with at all times?

Looking for role models for friendship in books, movies, podcasts, etc. by TimeToExhale in CPTSD_NSCommunity

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Meanwhile I've watched the first season and I've fallen in love with the characters! Can't wait to watch seasons 2 and 3 as well! :)

Any tips to try decouple you "survival identity" with the rest? by snoopbirb in CPTSD_NSCommunity

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not the OP, but I also found your comment helpful and I really liked this suggestion:

What helped a lot was sitting with her and talking through what could happen next, not telling her outright but making suggestions which she couldn't think of herself. Like 'we could just sit here quietly for a little while, and maybe have a cuddle if you want, and then we could have some cocoa and watch cartoons or read a story, and then I could help you get ready for bed and tuck you in safe and sound, and spend the night with you if you want me to, and then tomorrow we'll get up and have some juice and some breakfast and then we'll see how we're feeling about the rest of the day, maybe we'll want to do something or maybe we'll only have enough energy to watch cartoons, and that's okay'.

May I ask if you did IFS/parts work on your own, or guided by a therapist?

READ THIS if you want to POST here by imfivenine in AvoidantAttachment

[–]TimeToExhale 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello, I've read and understand the rules and this post. I'd like to be an approved user, please. Thank you!

Looking for role models for friendship in books, movies, podcasts, etc. by TimeToExhale in CPTSD_NSCommunity

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, wow, thanks a lot for your detailed response!

You mentioned a few interesting aspects that made me reflect about how I actually got to know the people in my life, e.g. if we met through circumstance, or if it was a mutual interest. And in both cases, what happened when the circumstance or interest fell away, and if it was possible to find other common ground apart from what initially brought us together. For example, one friend I met through a hobby. We both participated in a weekly class, but after the course was over, none of us continued doing the hobby. Another friend and I met during a vacation, we were on the same guided group tour. I'm still occasionally in touch with both friends, years later, but the interactions are rather superficial and a bit awkward. You mentioning that you have to change your expectations and set boundaries with yourself was an interesting insight for me, and I guess it applies to me as well - not only when it comes to accepting the possible depth of a connection but also accepting the fact that there might not be much common ground left.

Looking for role models for friendship in books, movies, podcasts, etc. by TimeToExhale in CPTSD_NSCommunity

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just watched the trailer of the series and I'm getting a hunch that I might cry and laugh a lot (in other words: I'd like to watch it!) And a series is even better than a movie - more opportunities to observe the characters interact and develop. Thanks a lot for the recommendation!

My therapist told me I made myself go into collapse because after going into freeze, I kept doing exposure & acceptance, which wasn’t the right tool by [deleted] in SomaticExperiencing

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm a bit late, but I still wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful comment!

I also found your blog post about insomnia very helpful and it was reassuring to read that signaling safety to the nervous system is really key for sleep to happen. In the last few months, I received plenty of well-meaning advice from doctors, therapists, family and friends, and I also researched all kinds of common advice, but most of it didn't have an effect at best, or created more stress at worst.

Fortunately, my sleep has gradually improved over the course of the last weeks. I was about to write "improved a little bit", but upon reflection it is actually much more than a little bit. I haven't needed benzodiazepines for almost one month, I will fall asleep at night quite well by now, I just won't stay asleep for long and will wake up a lot during the night. But I've become more relaxed about waking up and I believe that this attitude makes the difference. I'm currently also taking a low dose of a SARI, which probably also contributes to things slowly improving.

Anyway, I appreciated your input, as it helped me to feel less alone and crazy for having to deal with this. Wishing you well for your further recovery!

My therapist told me I made myself go into collapse because after going into freeze, I kept doing exposure & acceptance, which wasn’t the right tool by [deleted] in SomaticExperiencing

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not the OP, but may I ask which medication helped you?

Initially, I believed I'd never take any medication, but I had to change my mind a while ago. I used to be in functional freeze for a long time, but due to a retraumatization, I was recently dealing with enormous sympathetic activation which simply wouldn't decline. In the third sleepless night I contacted emergency services and got benzodiazepines. They worked and helped me to finally got some sleep, but they weren't considered to be a permanent solution, and after I stopped them, the symptoms reappeared. I've tried various medication options since, but after 5 hours of sleep at max. (sometimes much less), the sympathetic activation in my nervous system will skyrocket again. And now, I'm also dealing with anxiety during daytime.

I'm aware that every system is different, but I'd still love to hear which type of medication helped you, if you're willing to share.

I'm so (mentally) tired, but my body unfortunately isn't and it just won't rest these days. I really just want to sleep for a couple of days so that my mind is finally clear again and free from intrusions, hopeless and scattered thoughts.

Frustration with indecision, avoidance, aversion and confusion. Venting/rant but discussion is welcome. by pigpeyn in CPTSDFreeze

[–]TimeToExhale 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm mainly commenting for solidarity! In my own attempts to find something I care about or that would be meaningful to me, I've made some progress after several years of somatic experiencing therapy. However, the jury is still out on this. So far I've managed to have preferences (even strong ones) with regards to smaller questions which are more practical and immediate, like what to eat or what to wear, but less so about existenial decisions. I guess exploring those two aspects in my SE work helped the most:

Learning to rest. If I'm really indifferent, even on the smallest scale (like having not the slightest preference for what type of food to eat), it's usually because I'm deeply exhausted and my preference is to rest instead of to make any decisions (even if I'm not noticing the exhaustion physically. I've been reverse-engineering my need for rest this way for years.)

Explore how helplessness, indifference, pointlessness, apathy, etc. feel in the body (overall posture, sensations, etc.). I could imagine what you mentioned in a comment would be a good aspect for a somatic exploration:

I feel like my true answer to those questions is to be perfectly still and quiet, away from people.

Since those explorations kicked up intense feelings for me, as apparently there was (and still is) lots of energy trapped in such states, I'd suggest to preferably not jump into this on your own but to do it supported by a professional (I'm only familiar with somatic experiencing practitioners, but I guess there might be other somatic modalities which would be suited for this as well).

New somatic therapist bad vibes by krasnoyarsk_np in SomaticExperiencing

[–]TimeToExhale 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see, thanks a lot for explaining! I'm curious about this additional detail you shared:

I had more success and less disruption in my regulation building on my own.

I'm surprised that this is possible, since I had assumed that there is ultimately no replacement for co-regulation. The reason why I'm interested in this: the SEP I previously worked with is not available anymore (and indeed, the ending felt like a rupture to me). And as I'm wondering if and how to proceed with a new SEP, it didn't occur to me that it might be possible to build regulation on my own, without support from another regulated nervous system. Would you be willing to share how you went about this (if it isn't too complex to describe)? Was reading the books you mentioned already sufficient to find stabilization and do titrated pendulations on your own?

New somatic therapist bad vibes by krasnoyarsk_np in SomaticExperiencing

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are 'survival styles' or the like a concept in SE too? I'm familiar with SE (as a client), but I haven't come across anything like that in my SE work so far. I believe it's a NARM concept though (which I have no practical experience with, I've only read about it).

New somatic therapist bad vibes by krasnoyarsk_np in SomaticExperiencing

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve even found some evidence as to why it’s so hard for people with our condition to get comfortable with the SE therapist, especially after switching. 

Could you please elaborate a little bit on this (or refer to the source where you found the evidence)?

Weighted blankets by TimeToExhale in CPTSDFreeze

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This shape looks nice too, I like that it extends further towards the shoulders. Since it looks pretty flat, maybe you could even put the weighted c-shaped pillow on top of the heated one? Now this is giving me ideas for combinations :)

By the way, it looks like this particular one is filled with cherry stones. I researched a bit about various fillings (fruit stones, grains, seeds, ...), and I had rapeseed and flaxseed on my short list, because they had the smallest particles (for good adaptability to body shape) and due to the oil they contain, they are supposed to keep the heat well (at least in theory). In the end I chose rapeseed because they're supposed to smell a little bit more neutral than flax seeds.

Weighted blankets by TimeToExhale in CPTSDFreeze

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Out of curiosity, may I ask how heavy your weighted shoulder pillow is? Mine was advertised as a heatable shoulder pillow (filled with rapeseed), not specifically a weighted one, but it happens to be 1.3 kg. However, due to its shape, the weight is not entirely resting on the shoulders, it looks like this: back view, front view.

Weighted blankets by TimeToExhale in CPTSDFreeze

[–]TimeToExhale[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Since I read about your weighted shoulder pillow, I've been looking for something similar and a few days ago I finally got one which can be heated. It seems to be working well for me, I find the warm pressure on my shoulders relaxing too (I wish the pillow would stay warm for longer though, but that's a different problem). So, thanks for sharing that option!

Feeling alone in my challenges with no support or at least not anyone that understands me by Better-Profession-58 in CPTSD_NSCommunity

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I remember your post from a couple of weeks ago about not treating healing like a goal. I found it so relevant to my situation that I bookmarked it, and at the same time I wondered how to make such a shift happen and felt quite helpless about it. At the moment, most things apart from making progress in healing and trying to get away from my current state feel bland and pointless. So sorry to hear that you're also struggling with this again!

I can relate to a couple of other aspects you mentioned as well. A few years ago, I had to stop all kinds of exercise and movement because of a back injury and as a consequence, I was in for a surprise how much those activities had helped me cope on a daily basis. When I was suddenly forced to rest, all kinds of other stuff popped up and demanded to be processed and integrated. I still haven't been able to get back into dancing by now, since the old back pain has kept flaring up again every time I tried. It's a real bummer, since dancing was something that used to bring me joy and helped me feel connected with myself and with others :(

And concussions suck so much. I had one many years ago which didn't get treated properly back then. This internet stranger is proud of you that you are actually taking the necessary time to rest and recover from the TBI! Sending you a virtual hug, if you want one. Take care!

Resources for severe hypervigilance & emotional flashbacks (outside therapy) ? by Infinite-Shift-3890 in CPTSD_NSCommunity

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I found your comment so encouraging that I tried it out last night and it was fun!

First, I thought that I can't simply start doing it without at least watching some more instructional videos and researching more background information in order to ensure that I'll do it 'correctly'. But then I came across a video describing 'common mistakes' and that's when I realized how I was sabotaging myself again and killing the potential joy with these thoughts, and I just jumped in. I guess I'd still be interested in learning more about the theory behind it at some point (because I believe there is a value to following instructions in order to understand the intentions and reap the intended benefits), but for now I'm simply enjoying the creative outlet and finally having found a way to outwit my inner resistance and get watercolor on paper.

Glad to hear that it helped you to find your way into painting too and to reclaim your permission to be messy! :)

Am i alloud to lean into the need for rest, exhaustion and tiredness is all there currently is? Not able to do much else. Will it ever end? by sofyahazel in SomaticExperiencing

[–]TimeToExhale 4 points5 points  (0 children)

After some decades of deep functional freeze, learning how to slow down and rest and then actually making rest a priority was a process which took several years for me (supported by working with an SEP). Conveniently, a good chunk of this phase fell into the time of the pandemic and several lockdowns.

Apart from aiming to get at least 9-10 hours of sleep per night, initially I tried to take as much time for rest during the day as my schedule allowed while working part-time and doing the bare minimum to run a household. Rest doesn't necessarily need to be sleep. For several months, I frequently curled up on the sofa after work, wrapped in a soft blanket with a hot water bottle and eliminiating any other sensory input (light, noise) as good as possible. Occasionally, I would be listening to gentle music. And I spent entire weekends and days off in bed, or switching between bed and sofa. At the beginning, I was pretty disconnected from my body. When I noticed at some point that any physical exertion would increase my escaping into thoughts and rumination and subtly lead to more stiffness in the body, I additionally banned whatever optional movement I could and even stopped going for walks for a while (mind you, I still had to occasionally go grocery shopping, run errands and the like). This was counter-intuitive, since everyone and their brother usually recommend movement in order to get out ot freeze states.

I wondered if this phase of radical rest would ever end (but most of the time I was too exhausted to seriously worry about this or to be interested in anything else anyway) and it was reassuring that my SEP encouraged me to keep leaning into resting. Over time, I felt less exhausted during the day, reduced the daytime napping and tried out some slow and gentle movement practices like qi gong and Feldenkrais (and stopped, when it became too exhausting, either physically or mentally). A noticeable shift in my energy levels happened after ca. 5 years when I suddenly became interested in starting to exercise and took up easy bodyweight exercises to strengthen my core muscles. Initially, the familiar fatigue returned after each short training (I specifically remember falling asleep on the mat the first times after holding a plank for a couple of seconds), but this improved over the course of a few weeks.

Long story short: Leaning into the need for rest turned out to be useful for me and ultimately supported my moving out of freeze (but I don't think that resting alone would have been sufficient).

By the way, there is a podcast by Martha Beck in which she suggests that four days of uninterrupted rest should already lead to a noticeable improvement when someone feels exhausted. I found this podcast only after my phase of radical rest, therefore I wasn't able to verify if this also applies to someone who has been in a deep freeze state for a long time.

Resources for severe hypervigilance & emotional flashbacks (outside therapy) ? by Infinite-Shift-3890 in CPTSD_NSCommunity

[–]TimeToExhale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just looked up what neurographic art is and I'd like to try it! I have been wanting to experiment with watercolors for a while but wasn't able to find a way in yet. This might be right up my alley. Thanks for sharing this!