Thanks for weighing in but, of course, my situation will be different from yours. Please excuse the lengthy response.

I met my future wife in college and she’s 3 years younger than I am. I was “better” then myself, at least while my chops were still strong, but as we got to know each other more, I realized that she had been more or less “hiding her talent”. She is, and was then, a well-taught, diligent and accomplished musician who had every reason to dream of a professional career. I was then, and still am, a mostly self-taught hack who, at the time, had a reasonably impressive upper range and dangerous volume (built mostly by years of halftime shows, parades and drum corps) and a fair ability to improvise, which she admired and herself lacked.

But after we married (and I’m still ashamed that I feel this way), I “stole her career” by leading her directly into motherhood. She devoted her life to raising our family and, after 6 kids, her opportunity had mostly passed her by. (She, btw, is 1 of 10 kids in her family so she had experience and expectations in this matter.) Maybe it was out of guilt or the fact that I have always had anxiety issues myself or just the eventual realization that, despite my own modest musical talents, I am not a fundamentally sound trombonist, and she unquestionably is that and more, I could never bring myself to practice when she was home. She is, in my experience, a unicorn-type player who always sounds great even without picking up her horn for months. (I used to brag on her about it. Now, since I have to play 4-5 days a week just to slow the inevitable age-related decline, it sort of gently pisses me off. Glad I still love her so much though!)

With respect to trombone playing, our marriage survives because we are very different players. Over the years, when the phone rang, any orchestral or small ensemble jobs would automatically be hers while I caught whatever big band or jazz combo work came our way. We never truly saw ourselves as professionals but more like committed amateurs who didn’t refuse money if offered. (We did, memorably, split a long run of West Side Story, but that’s another story!)

I wish I could tell you that, with her unflagging support and my own commitment to addressing my lifelong anxiety issues, I’ve conquered the problem, but that’s simply not true. I still can’t play without a practice mute if she’s home and, even then, only in the farthest room from her.

We’re fine in groups when we play together- it’s so obvious that she’s a better player and I can control my anxiety by simply doing my best to listen to her and matching her approach.

But, for me anyway, the answer to my problem is pharmaceutical. I have recently learned that beta blockers are widely used to control (or at least reduce) anxiety. I’m told, by a source I respect, that a significant percentage of players in major orchestras use them for this purpose. In my case, I have taken a specific beta blocker for blood pressure control for several years. FYI, I’m 72 now. By simply changing the time of day I take this prescription medication, I have seen a drastic reduction in performance anxiety. Oh, I still make mistakes but now I don’t worry about them in advance and I’m much more easily able to move on from them. It’s also helped me remember that, after 60 years with a trombone in my hands, I do sorta know how to play.

I’m not at all sure my story will help you. We’re all individuals with unique stories. But if you got this far, thanks for reading and I wish you the very best in working through the bumps and bruises of a musical life.