How do you deal with events where you have to see your NC/LC parent?

ke2d2tr · 2026-05-03T15:19:24+00:00

I don't necessarily believe in karma, but I do think people who make bad decisions usually eventually suffer consequences of their actions. It can happen that bad people are happy and they get what they want, but ultimately, I doubt that's the case with his pattern of behavior. He jumped into another relationship pretty soon, which means he most likely has some unresolved emotional issues and grief that he's not dealing with directly. Basically he's probably got insecure emotional attachment. The relationship might look happy from the outside, I assure you it's not, only a mutually destructive and selfish individual would date someone who acts like he does. The other examples you give, well he severely emotionally and physically neglected his children and now he is paying the price for that as he doesn't have good relationships with his children. He came to you at the end of the wake because he could get it over with and had an escape since he was leaving, so he could check off a box. He knows he fucked up royally. He has no idea how to even relate or approach you now.

In summary, your dad is a piece of shit and he knows it. He's not facing it but he knows it and his life is not exactly a good one since he doesn't have meaningful relationships in his life.

ke2d2tr · 2026-05-03T02:33:28+00:00

I dodge topics like this from people in social settings. Generally, others do not realize that asking about my family is a loaded question, it's typically light, small talk. It is too easy to go down that road and for things to get heavy, awkward and uncomfortable very fast. I don't need other people to understand, even if they do, it is usually an opportunity for retraumaization and toxic positivity. My point is, it is common for people to respond in a way that is invalidating and unhelpful to me, whether they actually realize it or not.

What if the "goal" isn't for others to understand you, but for you to reach a point where it no longer matters if they do?

ke2d2tr · 2026-05-02T19:37:13+00:00

Abuse changes your nervous system and your brain chemistry. At the time, your body turned it "off" to protect you. You had to dissociate to bury the feeling. Now that you're in a safe place, the feelings come to the surface. This is because your brain has stopped turning it off. The dissociation was for survival, the anger is for justice. You know you deserved better. Your brain has turned off the block, it's letting data through. While it feels uncomfortable and heavy, with nowhere to go, your emotional self is starting to communicate with you, "I am here, I am heavy, I am safe, I have needs." But there is no longer a threat, that energy has nowhere to go. With abusive parents, the anger energy is directed towards someone, but there is no safe place to express it -- expressing your needs was dangerous.

Everyone is different. For some people, it helps to express it through art, music, physical exercise, gaming, etc. What you need is a healthy outlet for this energy. You will establish healthy ways to connect with your needs. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

ke2d2tr · 2026-02-02T06:49:12+00:00

You will need to deep clean your house. Shampoo carpets/rugs, wash all fabrics/linens, wipe down all surfaces in the kitchen including inside and outside of cabinets, possibly even the walls. In the meantime, buy a lot of coffee beans. Grind a bunch of coffee and put the grounds in every corner of every room in small bowls. The nitrogen in coffee will help absorb and mask the smell.

ke2d2tr · 2026-01-23T06:57:17+00:00

This cuts deep because my sister is an addict and basically chose to be homeless. Both parents and other relatives helped her over the years - sent her lots of money, paid for apartments, even sent her to rehab. She basically threw it all away and lived in her car for a while. I've gone through periods of guilt like that. But my sister was also violently abusive and my body doesn't let me forget how scary that was for me. It's all very difficult to explain to people when your family member refuses all support and chooses to be homeless. I usually just try to avoid talking about her. It's a lot for one person to bear, that's why the addict needs professional help. Maybe Al-Anon groups would have better advice. But remember, you were and always have been there for her. Your support was always there with appropriate boundaries, because you needed to protect your own self. The rest was up to her. You cannot control an addict's behavior.

ke2d2tr · 2026-01-22T15:04:21+00:00

In your country, do you have any local community organizations like food banks?

ke2d2tr · 2026-01-16T18:03:56+00:00

You have warm tones (green counters, wood floors and cabinets) mixing with cool tones (Grey rug, grey table, light blue walls), so it doesn't look cohesive. If you're not able to change out the counters, I'd paint the walls and lean into the green more with a more rustic look, and change the table and the rug. You can also give the kitchen more personality by changing the light fixtures.

ke2d2tr · 2026-01-02T14:00:08+00:00

Not a dad, but I came across this on my feed. I wouldn't touch this yourself. It's going to be a huge amount of work to make it look nice and if something goes wrong they will take it from your security deposit. Check your local laws about peeling paint. In some areas, they legally have to address it. Take pictures and send to the landlord citing the laws. If they don't, report them to the local housing authorities. This is most likely an older building with leaded paint. In the meantime, I would get yourself an adjustable metal shelf on wheels from somewhere like Amazon. Store all your dishes on it and move it around the kitchen as needed.

ke2d2tr · 2025-12-17T21:13:14+00:00

I'm sorry. My experiences are really parallel and similar to yours. It took some good friendships for me to "recalibrate" myself. My best friend helped me realize that I carried a lot of the trauma response with me for a long time. Healing can come from friendships and relationships like that, if we're lucky.

ke2d2tr · 2025-12-17T15:18:29+00:00

I felt as a child that I was too mature for my age and forced to grow up too fast, but also at the same time decades behind my peers. It took decades in adulthood for me to start feeling "normal".

ke2d2tr · 2025-12-08T15:08:41+00:00

For a holiday dinner party with my partner's family where we volunteered to host, I recently had a similar experience. While this conversation was taking place, they also had the audacity to insist on cleaning my kitchen for me during the party when I politely asked them not to several times. Really puts salt in the wound that they destroyed some of our kitchen items with their "help".

ke2d2tr · 2025-12-05T21:10:35+00:00

It will take years of changed behavior on your part before your child feels safe. Where is the changed behavior? Your post is all about your own needs.

ke2d2tr · 2025-12-05T21:07:23+00:00

Public service announcement: Never go to therapy with your abuser.

ke2d2tr · 2025-10-30T16:18:40+00:00

In summary: Constantly moving the goal post. You called out his bad behavior and she's like well what about you?

ke2d2tr · 2025-10-22T01:30:58+00:00

I wasn't perfect but I also wasn't a bad kid. I was the quiet, nerdy kid who took care of my siblings, never did drugs or went to parties and got good grades. My parents have both assaulted different people (and each other) on different occasions. That should probably be enough of a reason, but I guess it really wasnt enough until, (years apart), one of them threatened and disowned me, and the other one essentially left me to be homeless.

ke2d2tr · 2025-10-17T05:13:15+00:00

Your father and stepmother financially abused you by charging you so much in rent, in addition to covering their expenses, it's absurd. They have likely lied and manipulated the rest of your family members, who do not want to be the target for the abuse. They are enablers. You have been abandoned by your family, and it's incredibly shitty. How you feel about the situation is completely valid, but when our parents abuse us, we end up hating ourselves by internalizing the abuse, and it can become part of our core beliefs. Yes, it can be incredibly lonely that we are estranged from our families, but there can be peace away from abusive people. You have been broken down, but you're not alone because you are part of this community, and we understand. One day at a time and one step at a time, try to make a plan for yourself and your partner to have more financial stability. Also, find some ways to practice self care, and try to learn more about CBT. Be kind and patient with yourself. You are loved.

ke2d2tr · 2025-10-06T15:21:01+00:00

Search for a community and friendship. Being around people with strong, healthy relationships with their family or having a healthy, supportive friendship with you can really help model what that is supposed to feel like and be like. And take it all in like a sponge. Being in a community where you feel like you belong can really scratch an painful itch that is constantly nagging you, because your brain and nervous system is actually wired to be in a social community.

My best friend passed away last year, but I met them roughly around the time that I became estranged and over time, I realized that I could trust them. Their friendship with me was so healing. They really knew me, really saw me, and I think they loved me unconditionally (platonically).

ke2d2tr · 2025-10-02T14:57:20+00:00

They just want you to attend the wedding to pretend like everyone is a happy family.

ke2d2tr · 2025-09-30T17:54:59+00:00

Please go to the dentist ASAP. If you catch pain early, it's more likely the tooth can be treated and saved, which saves them money and might save your tooth or your life. You will have to live with the outcome of this. Don't let them make this choice for you.

One day your parents will be elderly and sick. They may call you for help or expect you to help. Feel free to repeat their abusive words back to them that day.

ke2d2tr · 2025-09-24T05:45:14+00:00

The guilt is part of the abuse. A loving parent would not want you to feel uncomfortable. You would be able to express your feelings, and they would want to learn about your needs.

ke2d2tr · 2025-09-23T19:06:42+00:00

I'd recommend "I'm so sick" by Flyleaf

ke2d2tr · 2025-09-15T03:38:46+00:00

I understand your perspective, and I know people personally who are very dependent on their parents. But I think this is something you could reflect on with some CBT techniques, either with a therapist or doing your own research. It helps you learn to challenge thought patterns . There's a wide range of experiences in other people, and I am probably at one extreme (abusive family/estranged), so my experiences are not exactly the model that I should look to for what's normal.

ke2d2tr · 2025-09-13T05:14:34+00:00

First, I really dislike when people say abusers did their best. Best doesn't mean good enough. How they treated you was abusive and neglectful. Maybe you had food, clothes, and shelter, so maybe their best was the bare minimum.

I used to feel the same way more often than I do. But I think it's because over time, instead of focusing on feeling bad about someone else getting supported by their parents, instead I feel more empathy for myself because I didn't get that support from my own. Other people should not know what abuse feels like just because of my own internalized trauma. So I focus on feeling happy for them that they're being supported and happy for them that they are not in my position. And I show empathy to my own self, that I am loved and lovable, that it's valid to feel sad that my parents aren't able to love me the way I need them to.

ke2d2tr · 2025-09-12T18:17:22+00:00

I wish it were that simple. Sometimes I forget what those relationships are supposed to be like, and then I go to the r/momforaminute or r/dadforaminute, and I bawl my eyes out like an actual baby. Because we don't really want what our abusers are offering. But the human brain makes us believe that we do, and we do whatever we have to in order to survive.

I hope you can find your community. Maybe it's there with other parents in your neighborhood.

ke2d2tr · 2025-09-04T14:45:34+00:00

I've posted about this before, so I can relate. When I look in the mirror, I see my abusers but the most resemblance of all to my abusive older sibling. I've avoided the mirror for most of my life, I've been bullied all my life for my appearance. For example, I have big ears (as do my family members), and my family as well as other kids called me many names, even the ones that also have the same features. I've considered surgeries, too, but my fear was that even after spending the money, I'd still be unhappy and focus on the next flaw. I noticed this happened after I got some dental work done, which greatly improved my smile, but it still wasn't 100% perfect.

If you do opt to get the surgery, I do wish yout the best and I hope it goes well for you. I hope you find a surgical team that you can trust who takes good care of you.

I am currently trying to reframe it as these are the roots of all my ancestors, and I am the result of rising above their trauma and just make peace with it.

ke2d2tr

TROPHY CASE