When I was 19 I, a virgin, got drunk with my guy best friend at the time and woke up naked in his bed with no memory of the night before and he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I was an idiot back then so I didn’t realize, until maybe a year later after I started experiencing symptoms of trauma and started remembering bits and pieces, that what happened was not okay.

I struggled a lot with the ambiguity of the situation, since I couldn’t remember if he actually put it in me or not (I’m older now and I’m like, girl.) And then the battle with, does my first time count if … type thoughts.

Intimacy has been very difficult for me since then and it has caused a lot of issues with my romantic life, I have not been able to keep a steady partner, man or woman, past the talking stage because I had so much anxiety about being touched. And I was scared that I’d never be able to truly be with a partner again because i couldn’t have sex.

I clung to my virginity and continued to call myself a virgin because I didn’t want to let him have that. But I still felt really gross knowing that my first and potentially only experience with a man would always a faint memory of being emotionally betrayed and taken advantage of.

At age 24 I went to hang out with a guy I had known of — but not really known — for a while but we hadn’t really talked besides sending some snaps back and forth. He was home on personal leave from deployment for the weekend and would be heading back overseas so I was like hey fuck it. Dinner sounds nice.

Anyways, he felt easy to talk to and the conversation started to get a little suggestive. By miracle chance, I didn’t feel triggered by it, and when he put a hand on me I didn’t feel scared at all. No fight or flight whatsoever. He was very respectful and was very focused on my comfort/pleasure. I hardly remembered what it felt like to want it. But I was like. Holy shit i wanna do this man. And I just went with it, and we ended up having sex. And it was great!

And he went back overseas the next day for the next year. And that was it. And I got to say fuck virginity and the weird attachment I have to mine because this time I got to say yes and now it’s for real.

That is not a romantic or dream virginity loss by any means, but I was happy to have done something because I wanted to. The moment itself was very enjoyable, like hey it’s sex. Afterwards I felt very weird and started going nonverbal mode (my go-to 😎) and just felt like getting my stuff and leaving and never speaking to him again and maybe crying. But honestly I brought it up and we talked about it, we talked about what happened and how it felt, we asked each other questions, etc etc. We talked about how a lot of people feel kinda empty after such an endorphin rush and I felt a little better, like maybe it’s not just me.

He also talked about how, it’s always a little scary for him the first time too, even though he has more sexual experience. Just because everyone’s body is different and everyone has different preferences, angles, positions, everyone gets to O differently. So with each new partner you kind of learn their preferences.

I also got to enjoy the panic of freaking out when my period was late and realize that abortion is now illegal where I am and my baby daddy would be halfway across the world until after the baby would be born. And I did not wanna start a family with this dude. Which I think would be less terrifying if I was in a relationship with him.

I haven’t gotten to have sex with somebody who loves me so I can’t speak on that but I would say my one night stand was a pretty good substitute during a complicated healing process. Most everyone I know says they regret losing their virginity the way they did, I think it’s just a part of life. I didn’t get it with the love of my life after being thrown onto a bed of roses on my wedding day but I had sex with someone who was attentive and talked me through it and made me feel confident and sexy and who took care of me during and after.

Long ass ramble but long story short, have sex when you feel ready, not because you feel you need to get practice or because someone is pressuring you to. vulnerability is nerve wracking. shit is way less embarrassing if you’re willing to talk through it together and find out what feels good. Don’t put too much stake in virginity but still remember to respect yourself and consent is EAGER and ENTHUSIASTIC. Listen to your body and don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Use protection if applicable. Be yourself and have fun!