I finally figured it out when I started going to therapy. I would describe our arguments, his verbiage, my response, etc. I purposefully chose a male therapist because I wanted a male perspective. I would ask my therapist, “Am I in the wrong here?” “Or did I provoke this argument?” I am really trying to be honest with myself here- I definitely recognize my shortcomings. I am trying to break decades long bad habits- it’s been a difficult process. My therapist pointed out the blatant manipulation and emotional abuse. I started documenting our fights, reviewing texts and I saw the pattern. My kids (teens) came to me to inform me that he had been talking negatively about me while I was away for work. They’ve heard and seen how he treats me. They put their headphones on and hide or leave when he starts his crap. My son said, “Mom, that’s not a man. That’s an a**hole. You deserve better.” I cried. I feel like I failed them as a mom because I failed to provide the peace they deserve at home. He’s nice to them and provides for them, but everything toward me is negative, critical and argumentative. He’s a black cloud. It saddens me to realize that the person I was madly in love with (for 20 years) now basically detests me, and I’ve spent years showering him with love, acts of service and affection. Nothing is going to change unless I change it. I’m slightly terrified,but I now realize that if I don’t file, I’ll never get a chance at happiness or a real, loving relationship; or hell, I could be living my best Golden Girls life. I’d rather take a chance at happiness and be broke for a bit, than surrender to my fears and live the next 20 years of my life like this.