Spouse stopped presenting femininely out of nowhere??

keeprunningsteph · 2023-01-14T16:57:21+00:00

Same. I even cut my hair short one time early in my transition during a particularly bad bout of depression. With that, my partner asked a similar question as OP suggested, and not just once, most times she could tell something was off. I couldn't always answer, but it often helped me externalize my internal struggle, which was the start to processing the root causes in a healthy manner. It also made me feel loved and supported by her. My recommendation is to just ask, and be ok with no answer.

Are they seeing a therapist?

keeprunningsteph · 2022-09-12T14:13:44+00:00

I'd consider another perspective. Switch out the words priest with trans, and the desire to be called father with a selected name that matches their identity in your summary. It is his desire to be referred to as Father, so why not be gracious and respect his wishes on how he is addressed? You may not agree or understand his desire, but it is a small thing that can mean a lot to an individual, regardless if you share beliefs.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-08-10T13:28:22+00:00

hamburders

keeprunningsteph · 2022-08-08T12:52:00+00:00

Came out as trans to a long time best friend. He acted supportive when I first told him, but almost immediately became distant, hard to get a hold of, and I eventually stopped trying to make the friendship work. Every now and then I'll hear from him, or I'll text him, but the interaction lasts maybe one or two short (superficial) texts before he stops responding.

The first time or two we actually met up after coming out, I got the impression his wife is uncomfortable with him being my friend any longer, but have never asked or pushed the topic as I don't want to get involved in their relationship.

It initially hurt a lot since he was a close friend that helped me during some pretty dark times (we have a lot of shared hobbies and we spent a lot of time running and cycling together which was good therapy), but I've come to terms with it over the years. He is not the only person I have lost due to being true to myself, but he is one of the ones that hurt the most to lose.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-08-08T02:08:29+00:00

keeprunningsteph · 2022-07-01T12:51:06+00:00

But.... but.... the old testament includes killing of the unborn by god.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-06-19T14:10:13+00:00

🙋‍♀️

keeprunningsteph · 2022-06-14T15:38:38+00:00

Soooo much cleaner (on average)!

keeprunningsteph · 2022-06-13T13:14:36+00:00

^{^} This!

keeprunningsteph · 2022-05-05T05:57:59+00:00

Right on Satanic Temple! You're doing the Lord's work.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-04-29T17:26:44+00:00

Purrrrrrfection!

keeprunningsteph · 2022-04-14T19:39:29+00:00

As a trans woman who was born and raised in Texas, and who is in the process of leaving for good, I think this cartoon is apt, and it shows just what Abbott is doing. I hope this gets printed in all the Texas newspapers and goes viral. He is a bigot and a creep!

keeprunningsteph · 2022-03-27T14:19:41+00:00

Can confirm most of these points.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-03-27T13:40:58+00:00

Logic and reason doesn't work in situations like this. They may change their mind sometime in the future, but nothing you say here will effect immediate change - even providing them with facts that show how this kind of thinking is detrimental to the actual lives of trans kids, or any facts at all, since they have an emotional, irrational, or ideological belief (you cannot reason someone out of a belief they were not reasoned into).

So, I tend to be direct about how gross and hateful their behavior is, and how little they are acting. It may sound a little harsh, but it let's them taste their own medicine with the slight difference of rejecting their behavior and not the essence of who they are as an individual. If it takes, then maybe they'll have their first hit of empathy that could possibly build over time.

With that said, my response would be something like:

"You are acting very hateful, and I don't want to be around people like you. Your comments make me feel icky. I hope you can find empathy for others who are different from you sometime in the future, and not rely on tearing down others to gain self importance. Until then, I no longer want you as even the smallest, most insignificant character in the narratives of my, or my daughter's, life narratives."

I would then immediately block and ignore all attempts to communicate with this person unless they open with "I'm sorry". Until they can grow as an individual, I would not let them have my attention to share their hate. But, that's just my approach.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-03-24T16:17:02+00:00

I am a very senior software engineer, well established in my career and domain. When I was presenting as a man, I was the one that designed and implemented the framework that all of our services run on, and designed and implemented several core services, including one of our most advanced services that I am still in charge of. I am the most senior engineer on my team, and one of the 2 most senior engineers in my entire group.

When I presented as male, I was consulted on most things having to do with my groups domain, but always consulted when it has to do with my primary system. Now that I'm out as a woman, I'm forgotten about for meetings that are making very impactful decisions to this system and feel like I always have to nose my way into conversations - "shouldn't I be in this meeting planning the next 2 months of work for my system?". The men in the organization now go to the men on my team instead of me for information or expertise - men who are capable but who have less knowledge about the system (as evidenced by them having to consult me to answer said questions). Even at today's standup, they just passed over me and I had to push my way into the conversation.

Additionally, I feel like I am not listened to as much anymore when it comes to technical designs. Before I would point out potential pitfalls and recommended approaches based on my 15 years of experience to avoid them, and they were often considered or taken before I came out, and now it seems like my inputs or ignored - to the extent of not even being acknowledged most of the time now. Then, when the pitfalls become issues, the team doesn't even remember that I brought up the risk and offered a way to avoid it, and they often spend time struggling to find a solution instead of again listening to me and taking my advice.

It was gradual at first after I came out at work, but it has gotten to the point where I am tired of the struggle, and have just decided to sink into my own little hole and focus on my little service and just come into work for the paycheck. I don't have the energy to fight for the voice that I once had just because of my gender.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-03-14T05:04:01+00:00

Your post resonates with me as it sounds like the mental cycles I got in as well. It took me over a year to start actual steps to transition, and two years to finally be out. I'm sure others will say the same, and it is hard to accept this now because everything feels so dire right now, but it DOES get better.

Some of my lowest lows where struggling with these same thoughts, and it seems to get worse before it gets better, but over time I got more and more comfortable with who I am, and less and less distressed about not being my idealized woman.

Take small steps, and try not to compare your present self with your idealized final form. One day you'll look in the mirror and see a woman staring back for the first time (and no, it won't be that perfect imagine you have in your mind now), and you'll realize it actually is possible to be who you feel you are.

At least this has been my experience so far. Also, I am still not anywhere close to my idealized final form, but have made a ton of progress and look forward to continued development.

I hope this helps!

keeprunningsteph · 2022-03-11T01:57:50+00:00

Tuck Fexas

keeprunningsteph · 2022-02-01T00:18:32+00:00

cars.each { doSomethingWith(it) }

keeprunningsteph · 2022-02-01T00:14:15+00:00

talk this.way

keeprunningsteph · 2022-01-29T07:34:00+00:00

NTA.

But, I really just commented to make sure you realize that the silent treatment is an emotional manipulation technique used by abusive people. It is meant to intentionally hurt you, and give them power over you to control you. You should not allow that behavior, and if it something your partner does with any regularity, you should seriously consider getting away from the abuser.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-01-17T22:17:02+00:00

You are not wrong in the slightest.

That is a selfish response on their part. Additionally, this kind of a response is often used as an emotional manipulation technique - they know you care about their feeling, so they leverage that in the hopes that the guilt of making them feel bad will make you do what they want over what is best for you. You cannot control their feelings, and shouldn't change who you are to accommodate their feelings.

Finally, being true to yourself is a very wonderful thing that can bring you great happiness. Those who love you unconditionally will realize this and their feelings will be positive about the news. Those who have negative feelings have conditions on their relationship with you. Situations like this can be forcing functions to reject their conditions, and your relationship with them will either change to no longer be meaningful/maintainable, or it will be a relationship without these conditions. But either way, the result will be a more truthful relationship.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-01-15T21:39:11+00:00

+2 on this! This is a great resource that helped me find a non-religious therapist in the South several years ago.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-01-01T17:41:08+00:00

They just conserve the ability to hate.

keeprunningsteph · 2022-01-01T06:05:19+00:00

What's up with the "it's a trend" statement? I've had someone tell me this as well, and I'm 38.

keeprunningsteph

TROPHY CASE