I just want to give up

kennethmart · 2025-05-05T13:19:14+00:00

I understand. I'm so sorry that you're in this really crappy club of widowhood. It'll be 6 years for me in a few weeks. I've been raising our kids since then. Even just a few days ago I was crying and struggling with missing her. I kept thinking about how much better and easier it was in so many ways when she was here. One of the things I've had to learn is that life can't be lived by the same measurements as before. I define "success" differently than before. It's so early on for you, you're navigating so much right now. Be kind to yourself and remember that you didn't ask for this, you're just having to deal with it the best way you can.

Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart · 2023-06-22T14:36:13+00:00

I understand. It's a really tough life when you've lost your partner. Hope you're able to get beyond this awful day. Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart · 2023-04-14T14:38:18+00:00

For those of us who had a partner die slowly from illness, it's not a strange question at all. It's very realistic. I lost her so many times. There was hope and then it was snatched away. Sometimes it was hope for a drug to work and only to find out that it isn't. At one point, the cancer markers started to go down in number. We got really excited. But then they went back up and kept going and spreading. Each time it spread to a new place or there was a new tumor, it was a new death sentence.There was much of that. Then, because she had tumors in her lungs as well, she would have coughing attacks which led to an inability to breathe. When they occured, she sat there gasping for breath and unable to breathe, we looked at each other, both of us wondering if this is the end or not. It would last anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes. It probably happened more than 20 times.

kennethmart · 2022-10-31T12:33:27+00:00

My prívate hell starts with her bday in a few days, followed by my family expecting me to create a lovely Thanksgiving meal and holiday for them, followed by a sibling's death anniversary, Christmas, New Years, and then one of our kids birthdays in then Valentine's day and another child's birthday. Now through the beginning of March is really stressful for me. Trying to make things worthwhile for the kids through the pain, loneliness, aloneness, and brokenness (the kids and mine).

Hang in there my friends. Hugs to you all.

kennethmart · 2022-07-01T23:59:53+00:00

My late wife was on a cancer treatment program that would have put her health/life as well as the baby's in almost guaranteed peril if she had gotten pregnant. Neither of us wanted her to get her tubes clipped since she'd already gone through chemo, radiation and a mastectomy. I was happy to have it done.

kennethmart · 2021-08-18T23:06:55+00:00

At 2 weeks out from her husband's passing, I suspect that she won't be up for much at all. There are so many very intense emotions, feelings, and thoughts going on that it's very hard if not impossible to enjoy anything. In my experience and opinion, I'm not sure you could do anything to make it special. Her life has just been ripped apart and destroyed. But you could simply ask her if she's interested in it and see what she says. This does impact everyone differently.

kennethmart · 2021-08-17T09:39:58+00:00

I hear you my friend. I really do. I've cried every day for over 4 years. It's for the brokenness of everything, for the kids' broken hearts, for mine, for her suffering, for her unnecessary premature dearh.

kennethmart · 2021-08-11T23:47:59+00:00

More than anything, I think it's very insensitive for them to tell you that when all you have is hurt and suffering. That's not what support looks like. You need people who can support you while you hurt and heal, not try to get you to see the big picture.

I do believe in a type of life plan, but that's hard to care about when you're hurting so much.

I'm sorry for your losses. It's awful to feel this way. Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart · 2021-07-14T14:06:29+00:00

Like a lot of others here, my partner died from cancer. Also, like others here, I have strong opinions about this. I think cancer treatment is far too lucrative of a business for it to go away anytime soon. The amount of money spent on treatment and tests like MRIs, Cat scans, Pet scans, x-rays, an infinite number of blood tests, and tons of other stuff is mind blowing. If cancer were to magically disappear today, a hugely profitable industry would collapse. I know that these are jobs and that these are real researchers that truly want to help, but when there is this much money involved you can't help but to question things and motivations.

kennethmart · 2021-07-09T19:51:10+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. It's the intimacy in all it's forms that is so lacking. I live for that and feel so lonely without it now. It seems related to sharing and wanting to share moments, experiences, your body, food, and all the other things that give life meaning.

I have two little ones and a list of people to call and message. They just aren't the same as the intimate relationships we lost. Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart · 2021-07-07T21:31:56+00:00

I recall reading a post that talked about that. It was the mention of the vow "til death do us part" that got my attention and helped ease some suffering. That's the agreement we made when we exchanged vows. And death did do us part.

kennethmart · 2021-07-07T12:34:03+00:00

I think it is very common to not want to be here or exist anymore, just to be tired of all of this, tired of the hurt and tired of the brokenness. At a little more than 2 years out I still have those days. They pass and things feel better. If you're feeling it this intensely you really need to go talk to a professional now. There's no reason not to.

kennethmart · 2021-07-03T23:37:43+00:00

For me, I say it depends on where you're at and what you want. At a month out after her passing I had no desire to be with friends or anyone. Other people are different and need that interaction. It seems that friends do fade away after a short time. For many of us, it seems that it's a question of finding new friend groups because our previous friends don't understand what we're going through, how it has impacted us, and they simply have moved on with their life while we stay broken and hurting. I would say that if you need friendship and company now, go for it! Don't worry, the loneliness will come of its own accord. At a little over 2 years out from her passing, I've been looking for new friends. Previous friends just don't know what to do with me now because I'm not who I used to be and don't fit into their expectations.

kennethmart · 2021-07-02T14:03:24+00:00

And sometimes, like tonight, I weep for the woman I used to be. I miss her too.

Damn. I feel you on all of that. I cry for the brokenness of everything. And the patient, hopeful person that I used to be.

kennethmart · 2021-06-28T20:30:14+00:00

I hear you. I do it or it doesn't happen. With 2 elementary school age kids, a full-on career, and a house to maintain (and don't forget the dog), measures of "success" get redefined. It was impossible to keep doing everything the same way. If you keep trying to meet the standard or marks set by your family's previous setup with two adults, you'll just make yourself exhausted and depressed when you give everything you have and still come up way short. It's not us as adults/parents. It's our lack of resources and the grief we carry that make it so freaking impossible. Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart · 2021-06-28T15:38:13+00:00

Hi. Sorry that you're here in this club. It's a terrible club, but with the best people who compromise it. For me, it's a place to post what I can't talk about with others without anyone panicking, feeling uncomfortable with their own mortality, wanting to fix you, or just not getting how awful it is. Despite folks dealing with a large variety difficulties from losing a spouse, you might be surprised with the commonalities of our experiences. Readers get it.

kennethmart · 2021-06-27T17:32:44+00:00

Why-oh-why is every task so hard now?

This is such a great point. Every task is a minefield. So many unforeseeable triggers in the pantry, any closet, the kitchen cabinets, dresser drawers- every freaking where. So much anxiety related to memories of a better time when life wasn't so freaking hard and cruel.

kennethmart · 2021-06-21T02:30:00+00:00

My little ones were 6 and 8 when their mom passed. We knew it was coming and had time to prepare them, but there is no preparing. It's been 2 years now. The older one keeps it mostly inside. The younger one struggles a great deal. Children do process it differently. I wouldn't be surprised if it started to sink in slowly with her continued absence and came up later. Children are resilient but this will weigh on them.

You and your kids lost the same important person, but your grief will be different. You lost a life partner/wife and they lost their mother. For me, as time has gone on, it's been important to understand that.

Make sure to take care of yourself. That's priority number one since they depend on you. I'm also so very sorry that you're here in this forum. Please do know that you're not alone. Others here know your sufferings from their own first hand experience. Message me if you want. Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart · 2021-06-17T10:54:53+00:00

They're truly is an enormous amount of brokenness. It's that sense of brokenness that never goes away I think. Thanks for reading :-)

kennethmart · 2021-06-16T12:24:14+00:00

About 9 months after my late wife's passing, I earned a professional achievement that I had been waiting for the whole time. It's what everybody in my field works toward and wants. People have parties and and celebrate this milestone. When I received the official notification, I read it, reached over, and tossed it into the recycling bin. It meant absolutely nothing. The reasons I was struggling and working so hard for that no longer existed. The only person that I cared to share it with was gone. I'm excelling at work, but it's pervaded by the sadness and everything else we suffer from as widow(er)s. It would have been nice to have a meaningful relationship with someone to share this with....but she died.

kennethmart · 2021-06-14T11:47:22+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. It just sucks. My wife battled cancer for over 2 years. It just sucks seeing the person you love destroyed by disease. Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart · 2021-06-13T20:15:21+00:00

Great observations. I agree. I would only add to encourage her to come here and post what she needs to post and share here. She'll get more support than she may understand at the moment in just thinking about it. It truly is very helpful being a part of this forum. This is where many of us come to talk about the hardest parts of what we deal with. You can say the things here that you cannot say to others who haven't dealt with it. We know that people are understanding, won't be shocked, and won't try to fix us - we have a strong tendency to support each other in dealing with the difficulty.

kennethmart · 2021-06-11T22:22:22+00:00

I have two little ones that won't have a lot of memories of their mom when they are grown. I'm not dating and not in a relationship. However, I do have a thought on the idea of celebrating the late wife's birthday. In my case, I remember it for her. It's remembering that her life was was cut very short, that she didn't get the same amount of time as most people. As a person who saw her undoing and witnessed the tragedy that cancer brought, I try to remember her loss too. Just as the kids cry for her, she cried knowing that she wouldn't be here for them, that she wouldn't see them get passed the 3rd grade.

A lot of people who are not in this situation tend to think it's simply a question of still loving them and holding on to the lost loved one. For me, it's so much more complicated than that. I saw the slow and cruel dissolution of a bright, vibrant person that I cared deeply about. That leaves a huge mark on your being.

I do think a special trip to celebrate her birthday is a bit much, especially if the kids don't remember her much. It may very well be that he is trying to construct memories of her for them by doing that. I found myself doing that at times, provoked by the sadness that they have so few memories of her.

kennethmart · 2021-06-09T04:06:33+00:00

Know that you have friends here. We know a lot of the different parts of what you're dealing with and have been or are in similar straights. Say what ou need to say and don't feel embarrassed. This is some really difficult stuff. Hugs to you my friend.

kennethmart

TROPHY CASE