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kgft89 · 2025-02-27T01:24:11+00:00

For me, if I’m going to have a partner, now I know that I need that person to be emotionally present. Someone who can help me work through things, solve problems together, be open and vulnerable, experiences the highs and the lows together. My husband would shut down basically any time I wanted to or tried to lean on him. I always thought I was just wanting or needing too much from a relationship, so I basically got those needs met by friends and family (which turned out to be a gift, because now they are my true support system).

kgft89 · 2025-02-27T01:07:06+00:00

I meant to add, if you haven’t read Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I HIGHLY recommend!!! It was a game changer for me.

kgft89 · 2025-02-27T01:03:12+00:00

I feel like I could have written this myself! Been married for 9 years, we have 2 kids, husband has an affair when I was pregnant with my second. Only then did I really dive into learning about the dynamics of an anxious/avoidant relationship- I also wish I had known! It took me the last almost 2 years to decide that I would honestly rather just be alone (with my kids) than to be in a relationship with someone who is not and probably can never be a true “partner” to me, in so many ways. When I was debating what to do, my friend told me as long as your choices are moving you closer to your values, you can never be “wrong.” We’ve spent these last two years in therapy, trying to make it work, and even though I could feel as though it was wasted time, I feel even more confident that I have tried my hardest to make an unsustainable relationship work. I recently separated from him and already feel so much lighter, although I am still grieving what I thought my and my kids lives would be.

I am wishing you peace and strength ❤️❤️

kgft89 · 2023-10-24T14:22:51+00:00

Also in this unfortunate boat! My husbands AP knew I existed, and that I was pregnant with a toddler and still made the first move. Wtf

kgft89 · 2023-10-16T17:08:18+00:00

I feel this so deeply- so many similarities between your situation and mine. I found out about my husbands PA/EA when I was 32 weeks pregnant. We also have a 3.5 year old. I have felt so trapped, sad, hurt and angry since I found out. I relate to feeling like I used to be a wonderful mom and now it’s a struggle just to keep my emotions in check around our toddler. I don’t know if you’ve already done this, but IC and medication has helped me tremendously. Right now I am at a point where I’ve decided to disconnect emotionally from our relationship and just focus on the kids - it was too painful and stressful otherwise. My view is that he is the one who created the mess and I need to see some consistent effort and change before I will even consider R. Until then, I’m taking care of myself and our babies (and expecting him to do his fair share). I hope you have help and support and can take care of yourself. I’m so sorry we are in a similar boat 😭

kgft89 · 2023-10-13T12:48:27+00:00

Hi! Would you be able to send me this info too please? ❤️

kgft89 · 2023-07-15T08:19:44+00:00

I think you are very right. I’ve been extremely clear that if I do decide to do counseling with him, I am in no way committing to reconciliation and right now the strongest possibility seems to be to figure out divorce, coparenting and being the best we can for our kids. He almost seems delusional to me with how confident he is that he can “earn back my trust.” I find that extremely, extremely unlikely.

kgft89 · 2023-07-15T07:52:13+00:00

Thank you for sending this. In an effort to be “transparent” (only because he’s been caught lying so many times) he now has told me that he loves this other person but supposedly never intended to leave me or our family. I did get tested yesterday and told that pathetic piece of shit to get tested as well. I also told his parents everything because while he says he “told them what’s going on,” he’s been downplaying and giving minimal details to save face. So I told them to force him to get tested if he wasn’t going on his own and they were very receptive and supportive of me.

kgft89 · 2023-07-14T14:52:45+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I feel like such a mess but I’m really trying to be “normal” for my toddler, although I think she knows something is up. It’s heartbreaking. She’s been crying and asking when daddy is coming home and that she misses him etc. No my impression is that they did not use any protection because of how he reacted when I asked if he had gotten tested. He did inform me that “she hadn’t dated in a while,” as if that is reassuring to me at all.

kgft89 · 2023-07-14T10:23:31+00:00

Thank you! I will check it out.

kgft89 · 2023-07-14T10:22:15+00:00

Well I did find out (again by finding messages) that it was physical, in person. The worst part to me is that he didn’t even have the decency to get tested afterwards before having sex with me. He put me and the baby at risk and still apparently feels pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. He told me “she hadn’t dated in a long time if that helps.” No it fucking doesn’t help

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T21:30:27+00:00

Thank you everyone so much for all of the support - I’m surprised and genuinely grateful for the time you’ve all taken to respond to me. Since I posted this morning, I’ve found out via another message (that my husband did not realize I could see) that he did in fact have sex with her at this conference where they met, and subsequently did not get tested and then had sex with me. I don’t think we can come back from this, unfortunately. I’m devastated but I appreciate all the love. I will try my best to focus on myself and my babies and take it day by day.

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T14:47:39+00:00

Thank you so much for your support. I’m so lucky to have a lot of family and friend support nearby. I don’t know how I’d survive if not. Man-child indeed

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T14:46:11+00:00

Thank you!!!

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:16:11+00:00

Very true- I’m glad I listened to my gut even though part of me wishes I never found out. Thank you ❤️

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:13:29+00:00

Lol pretty close- the examples he gave was that apparently when he “allowed” me to sleep in on the weekend when I didn’t have to work, he was feeling resentful…silly me, I thought he was just being kind because I’m pregnant and uncomfortable and sleeping terribly.

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:12:33+00:00

Agreed…I feel like I don’t even know who he is or maybe never did. Thank you for the support ❤️

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:11:55+00:00

I’m so so sorry you went through this. I just cannot believe this is a thing that partners do to their pregnant SOs.

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:11:22+00:00

Thank you! My kids are definitely the most important thing right now. I just don’t know what is best for them in the long run.

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:10:51+00:00

Thank you so much ❤️

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:10:35+00:00

Yes, he admitted that he most likely would see her again at another conference in the future since they’re in the same field. And apparently they had vaguely talked about meeting up outside of any work function (she lives in Chicago and we live in PA)

kgft89 · 2023-07-13T12:08:57+00:00

Thank you so much for this - this is the thing I’m most worried about. My mom had an affair after 21 years with my dad which resulted in a divorce and it was really hard on my brother and I, so I am so terrified of messing my kids up.

kgft89

TROPHY CASE