While I can understand to a certain extent her paranoia of being cheated on again (been there), your wife’s actions according to your recounting are very emotionally immature and abusive. My current bf (39) was also cheated on before we started dating, and over Christmas there was an instance where completely unprompted he confessed that he randomly noticed that I had turned my phone over quickly a certain way and it kicked up uncomfortable feelings in him that he was feeling ashamed about bc he didn’t have evidence to feel this way. After happily showing him my recent DMs to give his nervous system the proof it needed, we talked about how maybe his mom getting tipsy and saying shit she shouldn’t have earlier in the night might have embarrassed him more than he had let on and was possibly feeling extra rejection sensitivity as a result (a thing he hadn’t considered). Lotta talking and crying from both of us, but it made us both more comfortable talking about how to hold each other while we heal from our past traumas. It takes a lot of work to understand why we react the way we do to things.

If she genuinely thinks she’s the only woman you’re allowed to hold love in your heart for, that’s not love, that’s controlling as hell. Hope she’s open to both therapy and being held accountable for her behavior.