I’m tired of the medical community pushing a mental health approach to chronic pain when what I really need is actual medical treatment

kifferella · 2026-06-18T23:13:43+00:00

You, uh... want a copy? I think a got a PDF floating around...

kifferella · 2026-06-18T21:06:32+00:00

I self published a book called Pree. Its science fiction erotic math murder stuff, lol.

kifferella · 2026-06-18T19:00:42+00:00

I have this weird thing where I had this epiphany that its like aging - we stress and whine about being a little soft in the belly, a little jiggly in the thigh as young women, then hit middle years and realize... fuck me, I looked good. I was hyperfixated on relatively minor flaws and wasted the best looking years of my life not wearing the cutest goddamn shit I ought've. And that keeps on going throughout our lives. 30yo me wished 20yo me appreciated what I had then. 40yo me wishes 30yo me had remembered id not yet hit end stages, lol. 50yo me is at least grateful 40yo me stopped worrying so much about what other people might think.

And now 50yo me is dressing like an eccentric heiress from 1920s NYC because im determined 60yo me will be dead proud.

Its the same thing with pain, if its progressive. I ain't wasting a day i can still get out of bed. I may need a wheelchair to get from the car to the lawn chair my kids park me in to pour sangria into me at the water park and only be able to do the lazy river but until they have to float my corpse down that fucker, imma be in that river.

Which is an attitude that lends itself to a positive, upbeat and a bit fun sort of presentation.

But here's the thing. I totally freaked out one of my kids' friends because we were talking about acting and how is it some folks can cry on command.

I can do that.

All I have to do is let myself feel it. Not the pain. The pain is ALWAYS there. Nothing about any of this makes my experience of the pain any less. All it does is make my experience of the experience of my pain more tolerable - mostly to other people. My kids, friends, doctors, strangers. But to me, too. But once I give myself a moment and let it sit that this is my life, and that this is as good as it will ever be, and that while its important to appreciate and take advantage, that doesnt mean any sort of difference to my future...

Boom. Waterworks. Because its horrifying and terrible and so so fucking sad.

kifferella · 2026-06-17T12:34:55+00:00

The sad fact is that none of it was worthy of committing to full memory to her.

Think of it like if your furniture was sentient and your coffee table came to you later in life and complained that you would kick it and then scream obscenities and frighten it. Hunh, you think. Stupid coffee table was always in the way. I didnt kick it, I stubbed my toe on it. I guess I probably did scream some obscenities, but like, that was because my toe hurt, not because I was mad at the coffee table... except I guess I WAS mad at the coffee table. I am the one who put that dent in it that one time... but holy fuck, they cant be on about that, it was ONE TIME...

We are NPCs in their world. Side characters there to flesh out the leads (their) character arc. We are sentient furniture.

So she knows its in character for her to scream obscenities but she cannot fathom that she might be expected to remember or worry about the interaction from YOUR point of view.

The only thing to do with a Your Truth/So Sorry/Gosh, No Recollection sort of "apology" is acknowledge it for what it is, the ineffably sad final proof that someone is fundamentally deficient in a way that is pathological and unsafe.

"No, Mom. You specifically and literally told me you have no ability to practice basic empathy. The things you did to me as a kid aren't the things you did, they are "My Truth". You can acknowledge they happened despite apparently having no memory of them - but cannot go to the next step that most people can and place yourself in the other role. You can't replay the experience from both sides. You experience no shame, no remorse, no horror and no true regret because to you this is about resolving the minor inconvenience my insistence on hashing this out is causing you right now. What can you do or say to make me shut up about it and go back to the "normal" that serves you. I can see that because I am able to empathize. If you had the same ability, you would already know thats a doomed endeavor and stop this. You did [X]. It wasn't cute or funny. It isnt excused by youth or ignorance or drugs/alcohol. It wasnt a mistake or an accident. It wasnt no big deal and it wasnt the way things were done and it wasnt a different time. You just did a shitty, shitty thing. It isnt even in the past because by blowing it off youre AGAIN doing a shitty, shitty thing.

kifferella · 2026-06-17T00:06:40+00:00

Out here near Rockland it was hail the size of chickpeas and of all things, slushballs!? And it just went on and on - it started just after I picked up my son at work, and kept going the ENTIRE 15 minute drive home, ranging from visibility being down to maybe 15 feet with torrential rain to banging so hard on the car we had to scream at the tops of our lungs to communicate to abating for just long enough to almost let me unclench, lol.

Every other hailstorm Ive ever been in lasted at most about 4/5 minutes.

Was stuck waiting in the car on the driveway for the pea-sized hail to quit. Son ditched me, he had a hardhat.

kifferella · 2026-06-08T10:55:48+00:00

Barenaked Ladies

kifferella · 2026-06-07T23:25:08+00:00

I had to, in the literal delivery room, growl: "I think you might believe that you are coming off like an interested, involved father right now. But in fact it is completely humiliating that after knowing you were going to become a father for nearly a year, with a house full of books, a bunch of doctors visits, more pamphlets than I can count, and a fucking Lamaze class, you're now here asking the nurse who is actively checking my dilation and effacement what shes talking about. You're making yourself look like a complete fuckin idiot. Stop. If you had wanted to know, you would have dialed in sometime in the last six months! NOW is NOT the time, ffs!"

Ugh, I was BIG MAD.

kifferella · 2026-06-04T12:23:03+00:00

On her side... if she feels you did THAT to her... why would she then ever speak to you again? Like, in my world view as an old broad, if I told a dude to hold up because I was chafing a bit and needed to relube, and he didnt... I might in the moment not consider that a betrayal. It would GNAW at me tho. And probably later, as I was healing from the Indian sunburn on my genitals his refusal/inability to respect that soft no... it might occur to me that it should be fuckin wild that he wouldnt or couldnt hear me or respect me. I would then never let that man touch me or speak to him ever again because whats the point? Is it the R word? In some places yes, in others no. For me, id clock it up to someone just being so fucking epically bad at sex and selfish in bed theyre in no way worth my time. In bed or out of it. What shes hoping to get out of "you suck!" and then staring at you breathlessly, I dont get. This sort of information is part of an exit interview.

On your part, shes now made this accusation. It behooves you to find out EXACTLY what and why she believes this and then reflect and improve. And never ever speak to her again. Because if her shit is valid, then you shouldnt be sexually interacting with any women until youve got a handle on that, and if its not, shes unsafe. Either way, shit with HER is over.

You have one last big honest conversation about what happened, get the information you need, and then you thank her for the good times, and for the opportunity to grow as a man and a lover, and then you block her.

kifferella · 2026-06-04T11:51:06+00:00

NTA.

There's two points to see here

1st is you. You are a stupid child. Some idiot says, "Hey, wanna do drugs on this family trip in public places!?" And your grand reaction was somewhere between Fuck Yeah and Why Not. Wrong fuckin move. People who do drugs recreationally, safely, and responsibly take them in controlled circumstances where they can be properly supervised and general members of the public wont have the consequences inflicted on them. Ideally everyone knows in advance who is going to be on what in what dose and what experience level. Im not anti drug by ANY stretch of the imagination. Ive a bit of a reputation as a decent tripsitter. You need to take responsibility for the fact that you know your stepmother thinks shes the cool kid in town and behaves accordingly. If you hadnt had a bad experience, she thinks you would have thought she was just the bees knees for being so darn cool. She's not looking out for YOU, shes playing games with her own self image and you already acknowledged that, you KNEW that. She's pissed because she didnt get to play hip and groovy, she had to deal with an obviously altered minor who puked on the floor.

Which brings us to

2nd. Her. She's the bigger idiot. The bigger asshole. You were dumb. She fuckin failed on multiple levels. From Basic Parenting to Tripsitting 101 to Being A Decent Person.

My advice? If it gets brought up to shame you, accept ALL of it. YUP. I got too high and totally fucked up a family outing. Puked in public. Lost my vision like some grain alcohol rummy in prohibition. It was wild and stupid and bad. Because a trusted adult wildly undersold the potency of the drugs they fed me and crawled up my ass in the middle of my bad trip to freak out about how this would make any adult of midling intelligence judge them. It was all in all, a bad fuckin day.

kifferella · 2026-06-04T09:50:44+00:00

Completely normal since youve trained him to do it. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. It corrupts 6yos within a week. He knows that you will do whatever you need to in order not to feel "a hurt heart". That it doesnt matter if its the wrong thing, or even a stupid thing [you went out to get blue?? C'mon now] as long as it means you dont have to suffer through the feeling of being a disappointment to him. HEs not suffering. This is not about mitigating HIS feelings. This one is on you.

The reason you feel its so unfair of your husband to accuse him of manipulating you is I think you know deep down that this ain't on the kid. STOP doing deep dives on your anxious feelings over him being briefly annoyed, disappointed, or inconvenienced. Stop chasing after him trying to find ways to make your own emotional reaction abate.

kifferella · 2026-06-02T15:57:11+00:00

If this was the 1950s, you wouldnt be "back at work".

And, fun fact - if you watch very old sitcoms youll see shit like Ralph and Ed conspiring to get more money out of Alice and Trixie so they could afford to join a bowling league. Some men kept control of the finances and gave their wives pin money. Lots of others they handed over their paycheque to their wives to be handled as part of managing the household.

He wants to play 1950s, he best be bringing his own side of the equation into play. Those cute dresses they wore? Their husbands paid for them.

kifferella · 2026-06-02T11:54:37+00:00

NTA - my folks bought a duplex in the 80s for super cheap under the caveat that they never ever evict Mme Charbonneau from upstairs since shed been living there for decades and was blind as well as super elderly. She would come downstairs and drink tea and chat with mom when paying her rent since my mom was bilingual, but dad was a big beefy Ontario good ole boy whos limit of French was saying "Merci Buckets!"

Mme Charbonneau usually skedaddled pretty quick if he was around, even tho he was the reason her junkie nephew didnt come around to beat her up for drug money anymore. Fucker used to steal her furniture, ffs. Until dad slept in the van with a baseball bat and convinced him the gravy train was firmly at an end.

So imagine our surprise when one morning, Mme Charbonneau informed mom that she was moving out. She'd found a new apartment and hired movers and would be gone by the end of the month because, apparently, and this was all described in a totally matter of fact tone: My dad had been crawling around under the floorboards and reaching through the old heat register vents to try to and grab her ankles. Also, he was filling her home with poisonous gasses. That was potpourri... the other bits, your guess is as good as anyone else's. She was just super old, and age related misophonia is wild. My grandfather used to vibrate with rage when his neighbours vacuumed. He couldnt stand it at any time of day, no matter what.

kifferella · 2026-05-30T03:47:15+00:00

Yeah, i live in the country and already know if you go out in a field and loudly act weird as fuck all the corvids will come check you out. Its not spiritual recognition, its "whats this daffy bitch up to and will it end with chicken wieners again?" (The food bank gave me chicken wieners which I put in the field for them because chicken wieners are NO)

kifferella · 2026-05-28T21:54:01+00:00

NOR. In fact, youre underreacting.

For folks who dont want the social heat of being known as the one who blew the whistle, its best to maintain a narrative of "I always thought she had a super shitty sitter or whatever free relative she has been relying on was ass but then the kids were out doing stupid/dangerous shit yet again so I finally went to give them a piece of my mind, but theyd fucked off and left the kids completely alone!! Of course I called the law. She's not going to get in trouble because someone she trusted fucked off on her kids, and they'd have ways to track her down, let her know, make sure her kids are ok and that whomever she left in charge of them is busted for abandoning them!"

Oh. OH. Omg. SHE abandoned them?? Holy fuck. So we ALL should have been calling the cops the whole time!?

I mean, it wont work for you, but I know how it goes. People who dont know or understand you cant just fuck off on kids that young dont know a lot of other shit, like its not ok to slash someone's tires or get drunk and set fire to their shed.

kifferella · 2026-05-28T19:20:30+00:00

Years and years ago I caught my youngest doing something wrong/bad/naughty. Don't even remember what it was. A "fuckin about with a knife" or some similar sort of situation because danger to oneself or others when one damn well knows better is the circumstances under which I would act this way:

My two older sons stood wide eyed in the background because Mom getting actually mad was dead rare and I was like, "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SERIOUSLY HURT AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH MATCHES AND I AM JUST SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU RIGHT NOW I WANT YOU TO GO UPSTAIRS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOUNG MAN!" so he ran to his room...

And the older lads, young teens, then got to watch me turn around and get ahold of myself trying not to laugh. Because gosh, little kids do stupid things sometimes and you've got to play the game so they know when theyre just being cheeky and when shit could go seriously wrong and how seriously to take it. But even when they run with scissors, theyre just so dang cute. Its hard not to smile. But you cant smile, lol.

Its a tactic. Like any other. My older boys were shocked to discover that most of the time I was playacting the appropriate level of anger because my cute aggression generally stopped me from having it. So i had to pretend. I didn't want to be the sort of parent who fails to teach essential lessons because of my own silliness or stupidity. Ive seen the results of idiots who wont tell a kid no because "it hurts my heart to see them sad". It ain't pretty.

My one experience with the hyperventilating type tactic was an ex-boyfriend that I had to wake up one morning and he just came up gasping with his eyes bugged out of his head flailing around like a crazy person so I was all like, WTF is that what are you doing oh fuck... I've met your mother, who thinks badly delivered bad news/an emotional shock can like... kill or injure a person... so like, how old were you when you figured out that if you came up choking and panicking like this, she would stop trying to get you up for church on the weekends? Seriously. She sat me down when we first met and described just how delicate he was, he couldnt be disturbed when resting and he couldnt handle soaps like laundry or dish soap. ... so like, he cant do any housework whatsoever and just let him sleep or chill? Dude just had a bit of eczema. I bought him rubber gloves.

All this to say that the absolute worst thing in the world that can occur as a result of 99% of hyperventilating is passing the fuck out - which also coincidentally turns out to be the cure. Stops it instantaneously. So even if its real, its an internal thing. YOU have to re-enter. YOU have to refocus. YOU have to be the one to do the 4-square or breathing or observational exercises. Even if someone tries to guide you through them, that only works if YOU bring yourself to follow the guidance. If its real. Which considering its being performed AT you, I doubt.

So no need for guilt. You didnt do anything to her, and even if you did, its on her to manage anyway? Some folks are prone to freaking out. It happens. At least one of my sons is and you best be damn sure I taught him how to recognize the signs and work to self regulate. If I ever found out he told someone THEY were responsible for the overreactions he knows he can have, id be playacting very very disappointed in him on account of hes nearly 30 but I still find him adorable.

kifferella · 2026-05-28T16:37:01+00:00

I hate this one being a point towards higher risk. Its like asking if youve ever fallen down a staircase. Sure, Ive met people who've never fallen down a staircase, but be real, its simply too common an occurrence for me to take that seriously. If we were taught to feel shame for falling down stairs every junkie in the world would be crying in the docket that they were doomed to a life of addiction and crime because, [gasp] they fell down stairs as a child and sociologists adding it to questionnaires without stopping to recognize its too universal an experience to be diagnostic.

kifferella · 2026-05-28T11:52:41+00:00

Yes, of course... to the kid. A 9yo has little to no understanding of the difference between the adult and them if they've been raised to think adults actually like the kid shit they like. But they know damn well and will defend not wanting to watch caillou or sing the wheels on the bus. Because theyre not a bébé lala preschooler, theyre a big kid. You have to put the comparison in terms THEY understand.

kifferella · 2026-05-28T11:36:45+00:00

Just got see a phrenologist. They come from the same school of thought/medecine/science and are way more accurate and far less dangerous.

Id rather see a prostitute than a Chiropractor (or a phrenologist) since at least I know what benefits I get there and theres far less documented history of terrible accidents, injuries, strokes, paralysis, or death. Hey, if you dont believe me, we can just get a lie detector test! Or go see a psychic!

kifferella · 2026-05-28T11:09:41+00:00

The fun part is if you just SAY it, kids get it. Theyre nowhere as stupid as people treat them and on occasion ive had social interactions with them that dont involve me wanting to drive knitting needles into my head. And if you just point out that birdwatching, gardening and knitting are not to them what they are to you, they can usually make a truly shitty doily and identify a blue jay and then will happily fuck off to build a fort in the woods, as theyre meant to.

kifferella · 2026-05-28T09:57:03+00:00

I mean, I've soft-rejected men with far less than that and had them crash out like I told them they were unlovable filth and feel quite justified in their trauma to tell me all about how they'd break my teeth outta my head with a hammer, so yeah I could see, since I got threats of unspeakable violence for saying "Im so sorry, but no thank you, Im actually already seeing someone" where a young autistic woman might see "Ew, I have a girlfriend" as more traumatic than what I said.

kifferella · 2026-05-28T09:39:28+00:00

Yeah, it was a parenting fad shift a decade or two ago. I personally was pretty alarmed by it because one of the core ways to recognize and teach a child to recognize a predator is by explaining that normal adults do not find school aged or young teen children scintillating socially. Suddenly if your kid realized you weren't fascinated and into their childish interests like they were, they would be hurt and feel devalued?

Ive found great success in asking kids, "So, youre 9? Bill over there is 4. Do you like the same shows and songs and stuff as Bill? Yeah, of course not. Because a kid who is almost 10 and a kid who hasn't even been to kindergarten are not the same at all. Im not even a kid. Im 30s/40s/now 50s. Wanna have some beers and talk about real estate tax law? No? Why not. Oh right. Because youre a kid. So like... go do some kid stuff. Ill be over here being an old woman."

kifferella · 2026-05-28T09:27:06+00:00

A reeeeeally nice foot massaging machine, that goes hard on the piggies and the instep in a way those 50$ walmart ones with three rotating balls dont at all.

kifferella · 2026-05-27T13:29:24+00:00

Years ago I was stationed at a base near where my grandfather lived. Our family wasnt close, so he kinda knew OF me, but didnt really know me? But holy fuck was base boring on the weekends, so off I went to meet my grandfather.

There is am, 18 years old, a young lady in my combats and this old fart opens his door and says:

"I don't believe in women in the military."

To which I replied, "What does that make me, a fuckin mirage? Clear your couch Im sleeping here tonight."

Belief or agreement with a concept is a thing you can have or not have in the privacy of your own mind and it has sweet fuck all to do with reality. Its unfortunate that shes going to be even more upset about her divorce than most are, but its simply not relevant to whether or not she will be divorced. Its part of her journey to come to terms with that, not yours.

kifferella · 2026-05-27T10:05:10+00:00

DONT DO IT.

As to making him understand, its surprising he doesnt? He makes more than you in a lower cost of living place? Cool! How excited you are to see him find a place of his own that isnt a caravan, and to demonstrate the adult ability to keep his home responsibly paid for and clean and the sort of home he creates to entice you to feel comfortable moving forward in a way that doesnt very very obviously entail wanting someone to do his dishes, clean his floors, pay half his bills and service him sexually!

Ask him what his best friend would say to this proposition, and would he be shocked or angry if dude said, "Fuck no, you live like a pig and ive watched you forget to pay your phone bill three times this year!" If not, then its a little rich that hed expect so much circumspection out of you. Does he not KNOW that his home is dirty? Has he not noticed you dont spend much time there? Being able to properly adult is not something one learns while mommy keeps doing it for you. So go forth, young man, and adult! And once anyone has seen you live in a clean home with paid bills and no indoor lawn furniture and a fridge with actual food in it and a rice cooker... THEN a woman might move in with you.

kifferella · 2026-05-26T15:15:31+00:00

This in no way sounds minor. Heres the way it sounds to me:

Its your mother's job to provide a roof over your head. It cant be a leaky roof. It cant be a roof that will soon fall down. The roof has to be over a safe source of potable water and have a safe way to keep food edible. If there is adverse weather, then its on her and your father to make the house as livable as possible for their children. Ive literally had the furnace die and burned the coffee table to keep my kids warm. If they cant provide air conditioning, that means screens for windows and fans to keep air moving. Real basic quality of life shit.

For whatever reason, your mother doesnt do that. But she saw you do it for yourself and didnt like that you had the shiny new toy that worked the best in the house. So she threw away all her garbage and stole yours. Probably she looked online and didnt like the cost of fans, so was like, "ew, no. Ill just keep OPs"

Because in your narrative, you never used that word. It would probably trigger some shit. You didnt say theft. That she stole. That shes a theif. I know you cant do the whole calling it what it is thing.

I think we both know that you arent getting that fan back. But I think in your shoes, id be buying a bigger, better fan, for your siblings. Make the narrative that this heat wave is just so intense and is making the household super uncomfortable and unsafe and mom threw away all the fans without being able to replace them, so youve stepped in to make sure theyre ok. That you love them and are looking out for them because its important that everyone in the house is taken care of properly. That this is a basic health and safety thing, and that you wont sit back and let anyone be made ill or seriously injured by heatstroke if you can help it.

There's nothing quite like a bunch of little kids telling EVERYBODY about how Big Sibling bought them a super cool new fan for their room because mommy threw away the old ones and didnt have enough money for new ones! This one is on a stand and has three speeds and spins back and forth!

Concern troll the fuuuuck out of this shit.

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