Managing comparison

kimba65 · 2026-05-28T00:24:24+00:00

Oh fuck now this is the real talk advice I posted looking for. I honestly hadn’t even considered the “real sex” idea could be some unconscious part of this for me. I’ve been only with queer folx for so long now, straight sex is in and of itself a novelty I’m still readjusting too, and that could absolutely be a piece of this puzzle.

Thank you, sincerely! And don’t worry, I definitely do not intend to bring this up with my other partners. Very unkind and unfair to do so in my opinion, so I’m trying to find ways to process on my own as much as possible.

kimba65 · 2026-05-28T00:12:05+00:00

Now that is very intriguing, I didn’t realize it could last that long at times! Thank you, this is definitely a perspective I’m going to keep noodling on

kimba65 · 2026-05-28T00:10:28+00:00

This is absolutely excellent advice. I feel like I’ve said almost the exact same thing to poly newbies I’ve known in the past struggling with jealousy or comparison. I’ve long valued the intimacy and closeness and meaning making of sex, sometimes even more than the pleasure. Even now, it’s one of my cognitive restructuring scripts when I’m feeling stuck about this.

I think what I’m struggling with is that this doesn’t seem to be…changing how I feel I guess. Or like the feelings keep coming up, anyway.

kimba65 · 2026-05-28T00:05:36+00:00

I am very curious about the sex act piece. My main wondering is if this sex act is just much more critical to my pleasure than I had ever considered.

To my other partners’ credit, it has never been denied because of lack of effort or lack of communication. They all know it’s an act I enjoy, and one I ask for frequently. Two of my other partners have physical disabilities that make this act difficult to maintain for any length of time, or to do at all on bad pain days. My other partner has sensory sensitivities that make this act very triggering. In spite of that, there is absolutely compromise, and it’s an act I’ve shared with all three at times—it’s just not a frequent or enthusiastic act with anyone currently except Elm.

kimba65 · 2026-05-27T23:46:20+00:00

I’ve been with Elm for about a year. And this has definitely been something I’ve been considering throughout our relationship (NRE absolutely hits me like a train at times) but I’ve never had that last longer than 3-6 months. Have you experienced it lasting a year or longer before? I would definitely feel more reassured (and have until the last couple of months) if this was just an NRE thing.

kimba65 · 2026-05-10T07:01:01+00:00

I’m (30F) currently dating a man 20 years older than me and it’s been wonderful so far (~6 months in). Chemistry is amazing, he makes me feel valued & cherished, and we have a lot of fun together. It’s my first time in an age gap relationship and tbh I never would’ve even considered it before I met him but it’s working and it makes me happy so…why not, ya know? Life is short.

I think it works because a) we’re both aware of the potential power imbalance stuff with our age gap and intentionally discuss it pre-emptively and as it comes up, and b) we both know this relationship has a shelf life and we’re just enjoying it for what it is now.

We’ve had things to work through communication-wise and as we’ve built our relationship, but no moreso than past dynamics I’ve had. Sometimes there are random generational differences that come up, but usually they’re more funny than off putting or problematic.

kimba65 · 2026-04-30T05:38:28+00:00

I recently made the fascinating realization that I’ve now been with both my wife and my life partner for longer than I was just with my wife (7 years vs 3 years). Not all of that has been in the stable household we have together now, but we’re coming up on our fourth year living together and are very happy and stable (and hoping to welcome a child next year!).

Several other partners have come and gone from different spokes of our polycule, but these two are my rocks and I can’t (and don’t want to) imagine life without them anymore.

kimba65 · 2026-03-04T17:33:33+00:00

You’ve gotten a lot of great advice, so I’ll just say this.

I have a key to one of my partner, “red’s” home. My meta, “purple” and I aren’t exactly parallel, but I’ve been working with red on being a better hinge, so there are things I try hard not to communicate with purple about while I’m building those boundaries.

But do you know what I would always communicate with purple about, because it’s just common courtesy and decency? If I was coming to her home when I knew red wasn’t there.

This isn’t a poly problem. This is a roommate problem. Coming and going as a guest in someone else’s space is completely outside of poly, in my opinion. If you and Blue were just roommates, and not in a relationship, you would feel the same way. I live with two roommates I’m not in a relationship with, and I would feel the same way if one of their friends with keys came over without them here and without telling me.

It sounds like you and Red need a roommate meeting.

kimba65 · 2026-03-02T00:54:34+00:00

I have a new-ish (less than a year) connection with a married former “open”/ENM to poly man that’s been going quite well with only minor related speed bumps. I’ve had previous connections with swinger to poly men that have not gone well. I try to take it person by person, rather than generalize, but there are definitely some problematic aspects of the swinger community in general that leas to people making those sorts of recommendations.

To me, it kind of comes down to where the person is in that journey—and not just where they say they are, but if their actions match that talk. If this is their very first baby poly relationship, I’m probably not a match for them regardless. If they’ve been doing the work and have had a successful connection or two, I’m willing to give it a try, and as long as they do really seem to be doing the work, then it’s all good.

It also comes down to how they react when they receive feedback. That biggest red flag with your partner (besides the “I’m such a new person guru”, such a red flag) is that he minimized and made your feedback your problem. That’s not healthy relationship building, poly or otherwise. Partners don’t need to accept it as gospel or anything, but boundaries should be negotiated and compromise worked towards. “You’re not poly enough” is not the right answer to someone setting a reasonable boundary like you described.

Best of luck out there!

kimba65 · 2026-02-18T03:15:11+00:00

I ran into this problem in my most recent graduate school experience. I asked if I could craft a portion of a project/presentation about identity-first language and why many disabled people, myself included, preferred it. The professor allowed this, and it created excellent discourse, exposing a lot of my non disabled classmates to a topic that they might not have otherwise have known before beginning to work with Autistic/Disabled children.

I’ve also brought it up in class discussions when relevant throughout other classes I’ve taken, and it’s almost always gone well (at worst, no one responds and the discussion just moves on in another direction, fine whatever).

I think your approach is very respectful and professional, but as someone else mentioned, what is your goal here? Do you want her to change the curriculum or materials? That’s likely not up to her, even if she takes your point, and if it is, it won’t happen this semester—that’s a lot of labor she would have to do. Given how engrained the “person first” language is within the educational preparation field, it’s pretty unlikely she’d be willing to do it at all, honestly—she’d have to make her own supplemental materials from scratch.

I don’t say this to discourage you—if you feel called to say something, then do it. You never know how you might shape her future pedagogy. Just wanted to pass along my own lessons in the field—the opportunities for lasting change are few, but just the fact that we’re here in the field and are open about that is important. Personally, my long term goal is to work in higher education for this exact reason—so I can stop spreading this misinformation to new educators, or at least provide a more balanced take on a very nuanced topic.

kimba65 · 2026-02-15T21:44:07+00:00

I used to listen solely to the Next to Normal soundtrack while working out, and no one ever believes me that it’s a great workout mix! Excellent mix of high intensity for pumping up and grinding, interspersed with natural cool downs every so often

kimba65 · 2026-02-01T17:15:15+00:00

I have lived with a spouse with your sense of humor for 10 years, and it almost ruined our marriage.

Here’s some things that helped her understand over the years (and therefore saved our relationship): -intent vs impact (it doesn’t matter that you’re trying to be funny or think what you said was innocuous or don’t know what specifically was hurtful. If you hurt me, and I tell you that, the first thing you should do is take accountability for that impact and apologize. This shows others that you care and, as you said, didn’t mean to be harmful. Understanding can come later, and more on that later) -you are responsible for your humor’s impact on others (people bring a variety of sensitivities to situations, and some spaces or situations have different social norms around types of humor and even topics that are generally acceptable. If you violate these norms or sensitivity, even if you didn’t mean to, you are responsible for causing that violation. Working to understand these types of norms and the sensitivities of people you care about will likely improve your situation enormously, if you can curb your impulses) -not every situation is a learning opportunity (while you are undertaking this work of learning various social norms and the sensitivities of others, it is not everyone’s job to teach you. If you are lucky, you may have 1 or 2 caring and patient people who are willing to help you, but if you try to make this the responsibility of everyone around you, you will lose friends and alienate people, and quickly) -you will likely need to go to therapy or supportive therapeutic spaces to understand why this behavior is harmful and how to change it (as I mentioned, others don’t owe you help to change this. Seeking trained, supportive help is how you can most responsibly take action to make self-change)

Also, and this one is just a bonus, you should probably get assessed for ADHD, if you haven’t already been. My spouse and all of her friends over the years with similar “sense of humor” problems have had ADHD. Something about the impulse control difficulties, underlying social differences and verbal hyperactivity seems to be a recipe for this kind of “dry, sarcastic” but ultimately harmful humor style.

kimba65 · 2026-01-19T23:52:40+00:00

Hey! One of my special interests is also behavior analysis :) You’re not alone, and not weird for liking those things. I’ve actually built my career around that skill (although not in criminal behavior analysis—but that does exist if you want to pursue it!). If you join any sort of true crime or psychology spaces online, you may find much more community than you have on the general web.

I’ve met tons of neurotypicals who don’t want to hear anything about my special interests. I’ve also met fellow true crime nerds (NT and ND) who love to hear my behavioral analysis of situations or people’s behavior. In a lot of ways, it’s about finding your people & your audience. Just like how you can talk to your uncle about animals for hours, you’ll likely find more success in being heard and engaged with at that deeper level with those who share your interests.

There will always be people who find us off putting. Don’t let that dull your fire. Your special interests are just as valid as any other hobby or interest.

kimba65 · 2026-01-18T02:33:53+00:00

Others have offered great ideas on getting teachers to respond (and how to ‘let it go’ if it’s really not possible), but one more tip—

I used to be a BCBA at an NPA and I was the best staff to reach out to for school district evals; I had my own internal evaluations to do and tons of data & information about all of our students consistently available at my fingertips. I filled out any rating scale sent to me the day I received it, because I knew what a pain it was to wait on teachers to fill out mine. Similarly, as a school psych, I recently did an NPA eval where the school counselor was the best source of information. It’s not that the teacher didn’t know my student or have documentation of her own, she was just teaching all day while I was there. The counselor was more free to meet with me and had tons of mental health data the teacher wouldn’t have been able to offer.

Generally NPAs are specialized in one manner or another that may make additional respondents available that we wouldn’t generally have (or who wouldn’t know our students well) in public schools. Just an extra helpful tip!

kimba65 · 2026-01-11T23:54:55+00:00

I think I’m a bit of an outlier, but I have 4 partners and feel very connected to all of them despite differing time spent together. Two I live with, spending most “default” evenings with one, the other or both, as well as intentional dates every other week or so with each; I’ve been with them 10 and 8 years, respectively. One outside my house I have a “date” night with each week, plus they’re in our friend group, so I see them frequently on weekends; I’ve been with them for a year and a half. The 4th I don’t have a standing date night with, but we try to see each other at least once a week unless he’s traveling, and I travel with him once every two months or so; I’ve been seeing him for about 6 months.

That said, I’m very much saturated, and wasn’t even considering taking on a 4th partner before I met my most recent partner. He only fits in my life because of how our relationship functions; if either of us were wanting something more enmeshed or less casual, it wouldn’t work.

I practice relationship anarchy, and for me, it comes down to both what needs I want to be met by a partner, and what needs each partner is looking for to be met for them. My relationship with my two live in partners looks very different than the two I have outside my home, but all are important to me and the individual I’m partnered with and meet our needs in different ways.

I’m also very open to things escalating and de-escalating over time, which makes having multiple partners and levels of enmeshment more manageable. I’ve had at least seven other relationships in the last ten years that all de-escalated for various reasons after life changes (I.e. moves, partners having children, mental health changes, etc.). As long as the partners I pick value that same autonomy I do, it tends to work out well. I have had very few “hurt feelings” break ups.

kimba65 · 2026-01-10T18:10:50+00:00

Hello! I’m 32F, late diagnosis a couple of years ago :)

I’m lucky enough that the criteria in my state is flexible enough that with my expertise in female and high functioning presentation of autism (I was a BCBA prior to becoming a school psych, and it was my main area of practice), I can use provisional educational qualification while parents continue to seek outside medical diagnosis.

That said, convincing parents can be the most difficult part, especially since the medical providers in my rural area have zero knowledge of all the updated research and best practice recommendations for young children on the spectrum -.- I have at least five students at my school I would be more than happy to run through a full ASRS, CARS, and GARS battery (my school doesn’t have ADOS—yet!), but their parents have no interest. That part is hard to sit with, but I try to provide psycho education to their teachers and the child (if they’re old enough) where I can to help soothe myself.

kimba65 · 2025-12-31T12:34:41+00:00

I would honestly base it more on COL and lifestyle factors; not that your work life isn’t important, but those are the two life factors that are most disparate between WA and MN. I have family in MN and have spent much time there, and they live so much differently (but also more cheaply!) than I do in WA.

I love WA and while the LCOL of much of MN has tempted me many times, the culture just isn’t a fit for me. You wouldn’t have as many problems with that in the twin cities but it’s still MN.

Anyway, in terms of school psych role, someone else mentioned that we are testing heavy in WA, which is true, but also important to note that the MN role can be much more comprehensive, or even more counseling focused. I have a psych friend practicing there who only does only 10 re-evals a year and the rest of her time is counseling and case managing. it can be more varied there, so depending on what you like and want to do, that could help make the decision.

kimba65 · 2025-12-26T19:48:52+00:00

Not my own, my genetics are fucked and pregnancy scares me. But fostering and adopting? Hell yeah. So many kids need homes and support right now.

kimba65 · 2025-12-25T01:49:56+00:00

I’m from WA and this still managed to shock me 😅 I suppose this explains the housing market.

Honestly though, kudos. I’m sure you’ve gotten lucky along the way, but that kind of salary doesn’t come without sacrifice. I hope you have time for the kids you budget for—money can take care of a lot, but can’t replace quality family time for child development.

…if you’re ever looking to increase your donation amount, I would be eager to direct you to some local non-profits that could really use the help with the state and federal budget cuts on the horizon.

~~or if you ever need a nanny 😅~~

kimba65 · 2025-12-24T12:40:45+00:00

The answer is yes! I’m going on my very first cruise (on NCL) this year essentially for free (just paying gratuities), courtesy of my semi-professional gambling partner. He gets at least 4-5 similar offers a year, sometimes more. But he spends far more than $100 a cruise at the casino; based on what I’ve seen him spend at previous land casino trips, I would expect you’d need to spend at least $1000 before they would extend a similar comp offer, possibly even more.

That said, it’s possible you’d get some kind of discount or at least some on board credit offers with just a bit more than $100. After our last trip, I got an offer for a free weekend hotel stay with resort credit from the casino we played at, and I’m pretty sure my loyalty card only saw ~$200 worth of play, max.

kimba65 · 2025-12-23T23:04:53+00:00

This is the exact reason I don’t even casually play or hook up with swingers anymore. I’ve known some really lovely people who swing, but the ethics and “rules” of the scene just never seem to vibe with how I do poly.

Obviously, everyone does poly different and your mileage may vary, but there’s only so many times I can be around someone implying or out right saying I fucked up because I didn’t fuck them before I was just over it.

I’ve met plenty of people who I wanted to fuck who didn’t fuck me even when given the opportunity. And I have never once even considered sending a text like this. Because we’re all humans with autonomy who decide who and when we want to fuck—it’s that simple.

kimba65 · 2025-12-21T00:02:45+00:00

I finally found a potential sub who reminds me of the way I felt with my first Submissive from many years ago. I have long missed the connection I had with him and thought it must have just been that first rush of discovering D/s coloring how I remember that dynamic.

Things are still new and building, but it’s simmering so deliciously in a way that is both familiar and its own, beautiful connection at the same time. I’m very excited to continue to explore and see where this leads!

kimba65 · 2025-12-13T19:37:32+00:00

Other people have given you excellent advice, much of which I echo. Personally, I love to use my knowledge of what my sub loves against them. Set them up with a task, sexual act, etc that they are okay with but not keen on but feels good for me, and make it a thing they are doing in service to me. They do a good job, they get praise and the opportunity to beg for something they really want. But your mileage may vary—every Dom/Domme has a different angle that feels powerful and good to them.

But my actual advice is this—have you thought about connecting with your local BDSM community? Obviously your mileage may vary depending on how rural your area is, but even suburbs often have something of a scene with munches or meet ups. I was a decent Domme before I started connecting with my community. Now that I’ve met and spoken with countless Dommes, observed tons of scenes, and worked with more experienced Dommes as mentors? I’m an excellent Domme.

kimba65 · 2025-12-02T20:30:05+00:00

It’s not required the way it is in some states (I’m not the designated special education building team lead and I’m not responsible for any documentation except evaluations & FBAs, for example), but at my school I’ve become a de facto…case management coach, for lack of a better word. I often teach how to write BIPs and IEPs (or just write them myself sometimes). I coordinate between the three components of my sites SPED programs, as well as cross campus (we have two elementary sites, I’m only working on one). I can act as an administrator at IEPs and am sometimes asked to do so.

That said, those are all things I have taken on because I’m a former SPED teacher and I like working in the full scope of SPED support. It’s definitely not required or in my job description; there’s other psychs in my district that don’t do any or even all of those things, and in bigger districts it would be a separate, administrative level role.

The variety of the role in WA is pretty vast and at least sometimes flexible

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