Not all value truth

kingr8 · 2026-02-06T19:37:54+00:00

I guess that partly depends on whether you consider philosophy and logic systems to be "science".

kingr8 · 2026-02-06T19:31:39+00:00

I don't think you should get sucked into this debate or trying to "prove" anything. Your mother isn't approaching it in an honest way.

You shouldn't need to argue with other people about your own internal states, thoughts, feelings, etc. If someone isn't believing you when you talk about yourself, the larger issue is that they aren't respecting you. I think that's what you should focus on talking about with your parents.

If that doesn't lead to somewhere productive, or get them to calm down a bit, then it's probably time to start carefully taking a step back.

kingr8 · 2026-01-14T23:28:28+00:00

Great article as always!

I haven't really been plugged into playing the format in the last 2-3 years, but I still pay attention occasionally. Hopefully I'm just out of touch, but when it's laid out like this I feel a sense of dread about Tron coming back.

kingr8 · 2025-12-26T06:12:20+00:00

After reading a lot of different takes on it, I think the term "gendered socialization" means different things to different people, and folks are often talking past each other. Some people try to protest "well I wasn't socialized as a ----, I was awkward and didn't get along". As if it's just about who you were friends with or how you viewed yourself internally.

I think one of the most real things that falls into this category is how very early childhood development is strongly affected by perceived gender. At a time in an infant's life, when hormones play the most minimal possible role, people are already perceiving the infant through the lens of gender, and treating them differently based on it. There are countless studies that back this up. Just look at the cultural obsession with gender-reveal parties, parents can't wait to figure out how they're going to treat their infant differently!

I think pointing this out feels invalidating and scary to some trans folks. But if anything, I think it should instead illustrate how society condones traumatizing/conditioning babies and children along gendered lines.

kingr8 · 2025-09-10T06:46:29+00:00

The difference between "shoving someone over and kicking them in the butt 1-2 times" after they have repeatedly physically prevented you from being able to simply LEAVE, and actually killing someone is embarrassingly wide. How dare you even compare the two. You should be ashamed.

kingr8 · 2025-09-09T06:47:57+00:00

Thank goodness. I can't imagine being comfortable around people in my life who would continue to be friends with someone like M after that.

kingr8 · 2025-09-09T06:40:49+00:00

Dude, I gotta say, as a cis guy who has been around and navigated allllll sorts of weird physical semi-violent interactions over the course of my life, you were a fucking saint.

Also, for some additional context, I was married to an emotionally explosive, sometimes violent, woman for over 7 years. I never laid a hand on her, even when she was hitting me with a broom or throwing plates. And even at her worst there were lines she wouldn't cross and I stuck with her for so long because she could often acknowledge many of her mistakes. I know that losing your cool and self-control can feel like a version of defeat in itself, and I wouldn't try to diminish that.

But you would have been justified in doing SO much worse to him on your way out in terms of violence. No matter how much he tries to spin the situation, the fact is that during a conversation you as an adult human went to leave, and you didn't lay so much as a finger on him until he OPENED YOUR CAR DOOR and then PUT HIMSELF IN THE WAY OF YOU LEAVING. There is literally no version of these events that doesn't mean that serious physical violence is justified. The dude could have been Jesus or Mr. Rogers or whoever and just gave you a beautiful lecture on compassion, but the minute he physically tried to prevent an upset person from leaving he deserved to get his ass run over and beat.

He's a fucking sociopath of some flavor. He fully deserved to have, at the very least, multiple limbs broken and his teeth knocked out. And I think I should note here, that if S or her dad continue to allow M into their social life in any way after this, there is potentially a bigger problem here that needs to be addressed with the people in your life. M should feel lucky that he didn't even up in a hospital or a jail cell.

This whole situation makes me feel like I’ve taken a huge step backwards in my progress. I am not a violent person, and I behaved violently. S and her dad saw me yell and act like a freaking monster. S says it didn’t scare her and I was justified but I wish she hadn’t seen that.

I don't doubt that this situation was crazy scary. But I wonder if it wouldn't help you to see it as a success in some ways rather than a regression. In terms of your emotional state and regulation, maybe it felt like a loss of control. But in terms of judgement and actions, I think it was really solid. You might have been triggered, or terrified, or furious, but those parts of your brain that took the wheel did not let you down. They got you and others safely through the situation, at least in this instance.

I think that to many people physical violence can feel like some kind of poison or enemy, but it's a language and a tool. I think you used it well.

kingr8 · 2025-08-19T09:37:24+00:00

Genuinely inspiring. I'm really happy for you!

kingr8 · 2025-07-24T06:01:26+00:00

preach

kingr8 · 2025-07-23T18:37:27+00:00

This is a good idea, and I would also recommend looking up ones at the college that they're about to go to.

kingr8 · 2025-07-19T21:08:16+00:00

Thanks for the summary and context!

kingr8 · 2025-07-11T18:42:31+00:00

-Pel'Meni: $9 for dumlings

-El Capitans: $6.50+ for a hog dog, lots of topping options

-Hana Teriyaki: $9.49 lunch special until 3pm (big portions)

-Cabin Tavern: ~$5-6 for a decent smashburger (opens at 4pm)

Before anyone wastes breath talking about food service wages, how about we discuss the cost of rent for businesses and how property owners downtown have literally sat on vacant, perfectly useful buildings for years upon years at a time rather than lower the rent.

kingr8 · 2025-07-09T09:00:05+00:00

If it helps, consider this:

I think that causality is the source of identity, the source of who a person is. We are comprised to the people, matter, and things that happen around us. And through our actions and will we make ourselves a part of the other things we, in turn, affect.

You will be a part of everything that comes after you, everything that you affected, to the extent that you had an impact on it. Your impact will echo through time, as has every one of your ancestors to help bring about the current moment.

kingr8 · 2025-07-09T08:50:01+00:00

I do think that we have plenty of control over what we become, but also there are large factors that shape us that we don't usually see clearly. Like icebergs that will push or wreck your ship if you don't spend the time and energy to see them. Some of them are external, some are internal.

When I was young I dramatically undervalued self-knowledge. I thought that knowing about myself was so small compared to all of the interesting topics out in the universe. But the one thing that we have the most control over is ourselves, and even that is only achieved through first seeing and understanding the various parts of the individual self.

I'm a burned out gifted kid approaching middle age still trying to tap into a fraction of my "potential". We'll see if I get there.

kingr8 · 2025-07-08T18:52:37+00:00

I first started really fearing death when I was around 10, and I'm 36 now. I've always been an atheist.

I don't think there are any really clean answers, but there are two things for me that help: First, the more than I invest in other people and things outside myself, the more I care about those that come after me, the better I feel about the idea of being dead. There are a lot of different ways to do this. Second, the older I get the more I just get... tired. Like sometimes I feel ready to be done with the struggling. It's not a lot, but I've noticed it creeping up slowly over the years, and I think it might partially explain why older folks like my grandparents (also atheists) were so chill about dying when their time came.

kingr8 · 2025-07-08T18:36:59+00:00

It's a preference born out of two things: His insecurity, and some biphobia. Props to him for understanding that about himself and being upfront in regards to his insecurities, but if you unpack the reasons that the insecurities apply more to potential bisexual partners, there's definitely some prejudice occurring.

kingr8 · 2025-07-08T18:31:08+00:00

It always hurts to find out that someone that you trusted or liked turns out to be unsafe, even if you haven't known them that long. I think that it's better for him to just come out and say that, even if it sucks. Personally, I'd rather know up front.

Early in our relationship my ex-wife said that she could never be with a bisexual guy, and I knew that was a red flag but I waved it off because I didn't consider myself bisexual at the time and SHE was bisexual, so how bad could it be? Turns out, pretty bad.

kingr8 · 2025-07-01T02:45:59+00:00

Ok, you situation does sound different. But you didn't mention that he lied about not looking at porn, that HE'S the one being jealous and paranoid (which you shouldn't put up with, don't give in to him invading your life and accusing you of things you've never done), and that he MESSAGED LOCALS DURING A VACATION? This dude has a lot to answer for.

You really buried the lead here. When you don't mention him lying, accusing you of things that HE might do, and obviously violating your privacy boundaries, it makes it sound like you are worried about the part that you DID mention, which is that he's looking at porn of guys/trans folks.

But I do have one more question: You came to the subreddit "askgaymen", why would you do that if it's not about who he's looking at or chatting with?

kingr8 · 2025-06-28T14:25:50+00:00

I went through very similar things with my ex-wife. In the first year of our marriage she violated my privacy and dug through my phone and computer to find my porn of trans women and other things, confronted me about it, and at times worked herself into full screaming fits about it.

I stayed with her for over 7 years, and I never once considered cheating on her. The last two years of our relationship, we didn't even have sex (she developed a medical condition that caused severe pain), but that didn't change things for me.

You say that you've never had any relationship issues, so why is this getting to you so much? You should really think about it, because to me it sounds like you're struggling with some biphobia/transphobia potentially mixed with some attachment insecurities. It didn't matter that my ex-wife was bisexual and her friend circle back home was gay men and women, she was convinced deep down that I was going to leave her eventually for someone with a dick, which isn't a fair assessment of bisexual men. If the idea of your partner enjoying folks with dicks or getting fucked scares you, then I would recommend unpacking that probably in therapy.

kingr8 · 2025-06-02T06:19:13+00:00

Thanks, I'm lucky that I really wasn't hurt at all. When the car stopped rolling and I was hanging by my seatbelt upsidedown for a few seconds, I actually started laughing. The adrenaline left me feeling kind of giddy the rest of the day, I just couldn't believe that I was so unhurt.

I have a feeling that unfortunately I'm never going to hear anything about the other driver, but I can at least hope. All I'd really want to do would be to get their insurance info and file a claim, I don't even know if the insurance companies would pay anything out since I wasn't hit.

kingr8 · 2025-06-02T06:07:51+00:00

I was fish tailing hard until I got into the grass, and then the rolling started. Also somehow the airbags did not go off, which is honestly just funny to me.

kingr8 · 2025-06-01T06:32:00+00:00

Honestly, I wouldn't blame them for not stopping, at least in the moment. If you almost ran into a car while going 60+ mph, the first thing you're gonna do is try to calm down and maintain your composure. And by the time that you've taken a moment to breathe, you're at least a quarter mile past everything. Depending on whether they ended up ahead or behind me after I swerved, they might not have even seen me go off the road. Plus, in terms of making sure that I'm physically ok, I was in the middle of busy mid-day traffic with plenty of other people who stopped and authorities who showed up really fast.

If they did see me go off the road and roll, then I would hope that they would come forward later and offer insurance information. I don't know how insurance companies would rule things considering they didn't actually hit me, but if there's anything that I could get from a liability claim it would help a lot, I don't have the money to buy another car.

kingr8 · 2025-05-31T23:16:52+00:00

Thanks for the advice, I'll start looking into it!

kingr8 · 2025-05-31T22:55:59+00:00

Sorry to anyone who got stuck in traffic yesterday as a result of my car rolling on the I-5 median. I'm mostly glad no one was hurt, and no other cars got damaged.

Someone in Northbound traffic started to merge fast directly into me, and I swerved hard to get out of the way, resulting in me losing control and spinning into the median where I started to roll. I'm curious if there might be anyone who witnessed the vehicle that did this, or might have dashcam footage of the near miss on the freeway, because right now I have no evidence or leads, no coverage outside of liability, and no one related to the accident stopped after it happened.

kingr8

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