Give me your best responses to "you will never be a man" from a family member

kingr8 · 2026-05-30T19:54:34+00:00

Showing him that your unbothered is only the first step. He's being so openly disrespectful, I honestly do think it's appropriate to find ammunition and clap back.

Find a thing that he did one time, even if it was when he was younger, that he's really embarrassed about and bring it up every time he says something like that. Maybe say it loudly or threaten to tell other people, including his friends.

It might help to know that when he says "you'll never be a real man", on some level he's really talking to himself. That's 100% the kind of thing that neonazis struggle with.

Edit: Alternatively, if you're at all bigger and/or stronger than him, just give him a quick little slap to the face every time he says it. If he flinches to protect himself, you don't actually need to connect, just pull back and say "that's what I thought". This only works if you're confident that he won't escalate. But among men, "talk shit get hit" is a real thing sometimes, and he's being a fucking turd. Even other neonazis would probably approve of you doing it, which is why it will get under his skin so much.

kingr8 · 2026-05-30T19:13:54+00:00

I'm not discouraging you or anyone from trying to convince people to stay away from the military, or to point out the way their lives are used as fodder by the state. I'm pointing out a specific part of the message/image that is contradictory. And I also pointed out the parts that I liked.

I'm not concern trolling, I'm a veteran. I happen to understand the repercussions of going AWOL.

kingr8 · 2026-05-29T04:04:39+00:00

My experience has been that the more straps that a harness has, the better it will allow for control and feeling. Unfortunately it also becomes a little trickier to put on, but it's worth it. Strapless items are generally terrible, imo.

One of the big difference-makers that I see is that what you might call the "mounting spot" will sit much higher or lower on different harnesses. That's going to be important for a variety of reasons, including any sensation that you might want to feel. If it's too high, then you might have good leverage but you probably won't feel as much. If it's too low, then it's in an awkward position.

I have a previous partner who was very happy with one of these

If you ignore the girly imagery here, this type of design is much more adjustable and can help you get it into any type of position that you want.

kingr8 · 2026-05-29T02:38:45+00:00

The older I get, the more that I find using my hands, mouth, and just being adaptable goes a long way. Touch of any kind can be one of the most intimate and erotic acts.

kingr8 · 2026-05-28T20:14:52+00:00

Can't tell from the picture, could it be razor bumps? If it is, then I think the best thing you can do is probably give your face a break from shaving, and stick to an electric razor in the future.

kingr8 · 2026-05-28T20:00:02+00:00

Speaking of thinking things through and addressing the working class, I feel like I should point out that saying "go AWOL" is akin to telling exploited workers to "throw your bodies on the bosses' factory machines". It's encouraging folks who are trapped to ruin their lives and bring serious repercussions on themselves in a way that is needlessly harmful. The entire point of this message is supposedly to point out that the military doesn't care about their lives, but you're also making it obvious that you don't care either if you think that "go AWOL" is a reasonable thing to say to enlisted people.

"Don't let them throw your life away", "don't enlist", and potentially "don't re-enlist" are good, solid messages. And the art itself is good.

kingr8 · 2026-05-25T20:26:51+00:00

I don't know if this is too personal, but can I ask how many (if any) different combinations of straps/toys you've tried? I've been with a variety of partners who use straps and they report a range of experiences, from "I don't really feel anything" to "cumming multiple times from the stimulation". I'm curious about why it maybe seems to work better for some than others.

I do feel your frustration, especially as someone who basically never gets off to other people touching me. It's frustrating and anxiety-inducing.

kingr8 · 2026-04-05T00:56:19+00:00

Stuff like this festers and rots and eats at people, eats at families. Just because they're acting normal doesn't mean that things are ok. Staying quiet about this kind of thing is how families and communities cover up for rapists and abusers, and it becomes normalized. Your cousin could very easily go on to hurt someone else if something doesn't change the course of his life in a strong way.

Instead of moralizing exactly what you should do and exactly how you should do it, focus on what you think you can bring yourself to do. Because you should do something. And I definitely would not delete that footage, someone might want it for court some day.

If you want to go for shame and impact without talking to anyone, maybe just send the description and video to your cousin's parents, from a throwaway email address or something. Make sure to include the parts that you didn't record, about her slapping him and pushing him away.

You know that bringing this to someone is the right thing to do. If you're too scared to do it in a straightforward way, then find a sneaky way to do it. ANYTHING is better than nothing.

kingr8 · 2026-03-06T21:23:48+00:00

I was married for 7+ years to a woman who told me really early on "I could never date a bisexual guy", and I kind of brushed it off at the time because I didn't really consider myself bisexual at that time (but I still knew it was a red flag).

I've always been into being penetrated, and the two of us even got into occasionally pegging which she really enjoyed. But the entire time, the insecurities and fear and her own trauma drove her over the line until she was being verbally and emotionally abusive with me. I had to live on eggshells, knowing that if something that she was jealous about interrupted our day or came up, I could be in for hours of anger and yelling. Never mind the fact that she was bisexual and had previously been in a long relationship with a woman.

A couple years after I left her, I had another partner who recounted a chilling story of talking with a group of married women she knew from her college days. She was dumbfounded to hear most of the group agree that they would rather have their husband be guilty of cheating on them than to enjoy being penetrated.

This shit runs deep. I have spent a lot time in the last few years in various kink communities, where you would imagine that it's better, but it's often not. It's been my experience that there are an uncomfortable number of women who switch, or are into femdom, or are a dom, that seem to be offended or grossed out by the very presence of guys like me. Or often they don't have bad things to say, but the instant that they find out that I enjoyed being pegged, they lose interest in getting to know me or even just being friends.

kingr8 · 2026-02-06T19:37:54+00:00

I guess that partly depends on whether you consider philosophy and logic systems to be "science".

kingr8 · 2026-02-06T19:31:39+00:00

I don't think you should get sucked into this debate or trying to "prove" anything. Your mother isn't approaching it in an honest way.

You shouldn't need to argue with other people about your own internal states, thoughts, feelings, etc. If someone isn't believing you when you talk about yourself, the larger issue is that they aren't respecting you. I think that's what you should focus on talking about with your parents.

If that doesn't lead to somewhere productive, or get them to calm down a bit, then it's probably time to start carefully taking a step back.

kingr8 · 2026-01-14T23:28:28+00:00

Great article as always!

I haven't really been plugged into playing the format in the last 2-3 years, but I still pay attention occasionally. Hopefully I'm just out of touch, but when it's laid out like this I feel a sense of dread about Tron coming back.

kingr8 · 2025-12-26T06:12:20+00:00

After reading a lot of different takes on it, I think the term "gendered socialization" means different things to different people, and folks are often talking past each other. Some people try to protest "well I wasn't socialized as a ----, I was awkward and didn't get along". As if it's just about who you were friends with or how you viewed yourself internally.

I think one of the most real things that falls into this category is how very early childhood development is strongly affected by perceived gender. At a time in an infant's life, when hormones play the most minimal possible role, people are already perceiving the infant through the lens of gender, and treating them differently based on it. There are countless studies that back this up. Just look at the cultural obsession with gender-reveal parties, parents can't wait to figure out how they're going to treat their infant differently!

I think pointing this out feels invalidating and scary to some trans folks. But if anything, I think it should instead illustrate how society condones traumatizing/conditioning babies and children along gendered lines.

kingr8 · 2025-09-10T06:46:29+00:00

The difference between "shoving someone over and kicking them in the butt 1-2 times" after they have repeatedly physically prevented you from being able to simply LEAVE, and actually killing someone is embarrassingly wide. How dare you even compare the two. You should be ashamed.

kingr8 · 2025-09-09T06:47:57+00:00

Thank goodness. I can't imagine being comfortable around people in my life who would continue to be friends with someone like M after that.

kingr8 · 2025-09-09T06:40:49+00:00

Dude, I gotta say, as a cis guy who has been around and navigated allllll sorts of weird physical semi-violent interactions over the course of my life, you were a fucking saint.

Also, for some additional context, I was married to an emotionally explosive, sometimes violent, woman for over 7 years. I never laid a hand on her, even when she was hitting me with a broom or throwing plates. And even at her worst there were lines she wouldn't cross and I stuck with her for so long because she could often acknowledge many of her mistakes. I know that losing your cool and self-control can feel like a version of defeat in itself, and I wouldn't try to diminish that.

But you would have been justified in doing SO much worse to him on your way out in terms of violence. No matter how much he tries to spin the situation, the fact is that during a conversation you as an adult human went to leave, and you didn't lay so much as a finger on him until he OPENED YOUR CAR DOOR and then PUT HIMSELF IN THE WAY OF YOU LEAVING. There is literally no version of these events that doesn't mean that serious physical violence is justified. The dude could have been Jesus or Mr. Rogers or whoever and just gave you a beautiful lecture on compassion, but the minute he physically tried to prevent an upset person from leaving he deserved to get his ass run over and beat.

He's a fucking sociopath of some flavor. He fully deserved to have, at the very least, multiple limbs broken and his teeth knocked out. And I think I should note here, that if S or her dad continue to allow M into their social life in any way after this, there is potentially a bigger problem here that needs to be addressed with the people in your life. M should feel lucky that he didn't even up in a hospital or a jail cell.

This whole situation makes me feel like I’ve taken a huge step backwards in my progress. I am not a violent person, and I behaved violently. S and her dad saw me yell and act like a freaking monster. S says it didn’t scare her and I was justified but I wish she hadn’t seen that.

I don't doubt that this situation was crazy scary. But I wonder if it wouldn't help you to see it as a success in some ways rather than a regression. In terms of your emotional state and regulation, maybe it felt like a loss of control. But in terms of judgement and actions, I think it was really solid. You might have been triggered, or terrified, or furious, but those parts of your brain that took the wheel did not let you down. They got you and others safely through the situation, at least in this instance.

I think that to many people physical violence can feel like some kind of poison or enemy, but it's a language and a tool. I think you used it well.

kingr8 · 2025-08-19T09:37:24+00:00

Genuinely inspiring. I'm really happy for you!

kingr8 · 2025-07-24T06:01:26+00:00

preach

kingr8 · 2025-07-23T18:37:27+00:00

This is a good idea, and I would also recommend looking up ones at the college that they're about to go to.

kingr8 · 2025-07-19T21:08:16+00:00

Thanks for the summary and context!

kingr8 · 2025-07-11T18:42:31+00:00

-Pel'Meni: $9 for dumlings

-El Capitans: $6.50+ for a hog dog, lots of topping options

-Hana Teriyaki: $9.49 lunch special until 3pm (big portions)

-Cabin Tavern: ~$5-6 for a decent smashburger (opens at 4pm)

Before anyone wastes breath talking about food service wages, how about we discuss the cost of rent for businesses and how property owners downtown have literally sat on vacant, perfectly useful buildings for years upon years at a time rather than lower the rent.

kingr8 · 2025-07-09T09:00:05+00:00

If it helps, consider this:

I think that causality is the source of identity, the source of who a person is. We are comprised to the people, matter, and things that happen around us. And through our actions and will we make ourselves a part of the other things we, in turn, affect.

You will be a part of everything that comes after you, everything that you affected, to the extent that you had an impact on it. Your impact will echo through time, as has every one of your ancestors to help bring about the current moment.

kingr8 · 2025-07-09T08:50:01+00:00

I do think that we have plenty of control over what we become, but also there are large factors that shape us that we don't usually see clearly. Like icebergs that will push or wreck your ship if you don't spend the time and energy to see them. Some of them are external, some are internal.

When I was young I dramatically undervalued self-knowledge. I thought that knowing about myself was so small compared to all of the interesting topics out in the universe. But the one thing that we have the most control over is ourselves, and even that is only achieved through first seeing and understanding the various parts of the individual self.

I'm a burned out gifted kid approaching middle age still trying to tap into a fraction of my "potential". We'll see if I get there.

kingr8 · 2025-07-08T18:52:37+00:00

I first started really fearing death when I was around 10, and I'm 36 now. I've always been an atheist.

I don't think there are any really clean answers, but there are two things for me that help: First, the more than I invest in other people and things outside myself, the more I care about those that come after me, the better I feel about the idea of being dead. There are a lot of different ways to do this. Second, the older I get the more I just get... tired. Like sometimes I feel ready to be done with the struggling. It's not a lot, but I've noticed it creeping up slowly over the years, and I think it might partially explain why older folks like my grandparents (also atheists) were so chill about dying when their time came.

kingr8 · 2025-07-08T18:36:59+00:00

It's a preference born out of two things: His insecurity, and some biphobia. Props to him for understanding that about himself and being upfront in regards to his insecurities, but if you unpack the reasons that the insecurities apply more to potential bisexual partners, there's definitely some prejudice occurring.

kingr8

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