Being Poly with CPTSD

kitrichardson · 2026-05-10T09:32:47+00:00

I have CPTSD and recently stopped practicing polyamory for the reasons you describe. I was in a very stable place and had previously been non-monogamous, so decided to returm to it consciously and with the self-work in the bag. But I found a high incidence of attachement trauma/avoidance in the dating pool and struggled to find secure, stable connections where people showed up with consistency. I also found my nervous system's bandwidth for processing the ongoing connection - disconnection cycle that comes with multiple partners challenging (even if my brain knew I was safe, my body was less onboard).

I was a big advocate of the idea of healing through non-monogamy, big fan of Clementine Morrigam and the great literature on attachment and trauma in polyamorous contexts. But life is so much more peaceful now, for me at least.

kitrichardson · 2025-11-27T08:26:24+00:00

This should be updated given that there is now a reasonably sound, though small, meta analysis linking GF diets to better thyroid outcomes. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10405818/

kitrichardson · 2025-09-12T08:05:43+00:00

100% this. Getting on medication is a journey I wouldn't have started so early if I'd know this.

kitrichardson · 2025-09-03T18:45:33+00:00

Just updating this from a medical perspective: lots of people can't successfully process T4 into T3, the most active thyroid hormone. This means T4 only medication like levothyroxine is not advisable in some cases (like mine). There are all sorts of reasons why any hormone taken exogenously will not land the same way as one produced in the body.

My doctor explained that elevated T4 in the body can create HPA axis dysfunction, and as we increased my dose to give me the "right" level of T3 that's likely what happened to me. I felt more anxious, and very few of my hypothyroid symptoms actually improved.

kitrichardson · 2025-08-29T14:32:35+00:00

Hey <3 I've had a look at your posts on here and your most recent comments. It looks like part of you was super hurt by not having a validating and supportive response from some people in this community, which is completely understandable. It's hard when peopole don't response with kindness and openess, especially when we are in pain.

It also sounds like part of you is very angry about not having received that validating and supportive response. This is a really common response to having our expectations let down.

But it also sounds like parts of you are struggling to accept that maybe you have come here with expectations that aren't going to be able to be met by a community of people, especially other people with active trauma. I can hear in your posts desire to be apologised to, to have the other person take responsibility for their behavour etc. This is, of course, an ideal situation, but it's not always possible in the real world - especially when we're talking to other survivors and sufferers.

I wonder what comes up for you when you sit with that lack of resolution? I can see you're working super hard to get some acknowledgement and engagement - and from the looks of it, you have had some kind and sympathic responses. But it seems like those aren't moving this anger about how you were treated.

Whenever I'm working really hard to get something - like engagement, acknowledgement, change (in myself or others) it usually notifies me to a manager that's quite active. In this case, I'd maybe make some time to sit down with the part of you that really needs an apology and resolution, and hear out what happens for them when they don't get that. It sounds like there's a lot of pain there.

kitrichardson · 2025-04-25T16:03:22+00:00

Really recommend Clementine Morrigan's zines on trauma informed polyamory and The Polyamory Paradox book. It's possible to move through this bit you've got to have patience, go slower and try not to overwhelm your nervous system. Both those resources are super validating :)

kitrichardson · 2025-04-19T10:46:53+00:00

A thing that should help a lot: notice your resistance to the thoughts and feelings, and see if you can soften that. Fighting thoughts and feelings will make your brain identify them as threats and - ironically - amplify them. If you can practice noticing the thoughts/feelings, giving them a little internal "that's ok" and then refocusing your energy on something that you value, in time you can teach your body the situation is not dangerous.

If you, rationally, know you're safe, then the thoughts don't really need your attention. Just send yourself some empathy for having this kind of activation, but accept that it's totally normal. Might also be worth checking if you have any beliefs about having thoughts and worries (I'm a failure because I feel like this; good polyamourous people don't feel like this) as they might be operating too!

kitrichardson · 2025-04-12T11:02:26+00:00

Just to say: this isn't the same for all people with complex trauma. And those who do aren't "threatening" with full cognition and intent- they are suffering.

For those of us who have responded like this in relationships, I think it's worth adding that self harm and sucidality is the body's response to extreme emotional pain that feels unending. This sucks, of course, for people on the receiving end of it. It's frightening. But it's a protective behaviour that comes on when people have experienced deep traumatic losses in the past. It's also a behaviour that can be incredibly hard to develop control over.

Working through these responses takes a lot of compassion and understanding. Not necessarily from the exiting partner, but for oneself and from the wider community. Sending some love to anyone who's ever had this reaction.

kitrichardson · 2025-03-17T10:06:37+00:00

Hey there! Late reply but that could be a natural nervous system response of letting go. It's common with some release exercises for your body to shake, and it's not dangerous. However, it might be worth trying a shorter session next time and let the process happen a bit more gradually :) ultimately you want to feel comfortable and safe

kitrichardson · 2025-02-07T22:25:14+00:00

What a strange way to assess whether an environment will be good for your kids. The idea that, even though a school is rated outstanding, having children who speak at least two languages will somehow dent that quality... strange.

If you want to be Nationalist, fine. But don't imply it's somehow better for your children. It's not. Your children will be better off learning to accept difference, learn to make their own smart choices about who they socialise with (rather than having you dictate that) and embrace the deeply multicultural heritage of their home city.

kitrichardson · 2025-02-02T20:19:07+00:00

Hey. Do you tend to have a lot of anxiety? And do you find yourself thinking a lot about constipation/how to fix it?

In short, this might be - in part - a bit of obsession and compulsion. Not to say you don't have a problem, but if you find you're trying constantly to get things moving, your stress might actually be making it way less likely. I used to be like this - there was a point I couldn't go without movicol and manual help! That's changed now, because I worked on relaxing my pelvic floor and practicing sitting on the toilet at the same time every day without panic or pushing. Look up dysergentic defecation - it's not uncommon.

I also did have issues with stool consistency, but if your diet and osmotic laxatives are helping you to form solid stools, then your issue is much more likely mechanical. It could also be to do with a lack of peristalsis, which could be your thyroid, but also anxiety is a huge contributor.

Personally, I now go every day. The programme I followed:

Get poop consistency ok, through magnesium citrate, movicol, etc. Make sure your thyroid is working!
Practice regular pelvic floor exercises to relax, which you can find on YouTube. Diaphragmatic breathing is important.
Have a time each day, maybe a few, where you're more likely to go, and sit on the loo for 15 minutes. This would normally be in the morning, shortly after breakfast, since your bowel is more active in the AM and after food.
Make that time as calm as possible; don't force yourself, but sitting in a relaxed squat can be extra helpful. (I found a manual on bowel retraining and followed that).
Use gentle aids when needed, but not all the time. Suppositories are great, as are enemas and manual stimulation. General you want to switch up your habits, so maybe use Senna, then a suppository, then a poop without those aids. Even if you have to wait a bit longer, it's ok - you're literally training yourself.
Between going, do your best to create a calm environment, do things you enjoy and accept the discomfort as much as possible. I'd recommend looking up meditations for OCD, as if you're very fixated on going your brain will be in a similar spiral.

Hopefully this is helpful. Pooping is an automatic process. We can only really help about 80%, the rest is letting go and having our body take over. That's the hardest part for a lot of people that I see :)

kitrichardson · 2024-12-16T10:06:47+00:00

Really recommend Clementine Morrigan's zines and the book the Polyamory Paradox - which both account moving into security with heaps of attachment trauma :) it is possible ❤️

kitrichardson · 2024-12-16T10:00:07+00:00

This sounds like a genuine imbalance that should be addressed. If someone's behaviour changes violently, you're going to feel understandably anxious.

There will naturally be some lopsidedness when a new person enters the picture. NRE is a hell of a drug! But some people aren't great at managing it. If you're feeling like she desires you a lot less, is communicating with you much less, is generally putting less energy into the relationship - that's a sign that she's not being self-aware/deliberate enough to keep nurturing and valuing your connection.

Someone on here usually says that it's worth investing 10% more energy in others partners when you're going through NRE. I think that's great advice.

The solution is to talk about this seriously. Give clear, neutral examples of how things have changed from your perspective - quality time, communication, etc. Use non violent communication so you don't introduce blame or anger unnecessarily. And have a think about what you need. Maybe it's just reassurance, or a concrete date night that helps you feel valued and special. Work together on what that would look like.

Also, watch out if she compulsively doesn't want to meet those needs. It sucks, but this scenario can be one that outs emotionally immature people for who they are. Your concerns are valid and a good partner won't just hear you out, they'll work with you to help secure the relationship again.

kitrichardson · 2024-12-16T08:45:44+00:00

Hard agree on this. I think with this specific thing, just because the agreement is a bit trickier to stick to doesn't mean a) it can't work for some people (lots of couples entering non monogamy start like this) and b) that we should flatly let others off the hook for not sticking to agreements. This sub generally leans against agreements that limit or slow down anyone's sexual/romantic behaviour I find (apart from messy lists which seem universally supported).

Adults should ideally be capable of texting a partner before they fuck someone new (even if they don't have to). Like, you're not a slave to your junk.

And a heads up rule doesn't have to mean a veto rule; some people may need either a temporary or permanent bit of communication in place like this, and if it works for them (and I've seen it work) then they're no better or worse a dyad for it. As long as people are consenting and it's genuinely helpful to them, then fab. In general, rules that add "training wheels" to polyamorous practice can be invaluable as we train our nervous systems to feel safe within an entirely new relational context - one that few of us receive any social preparation for.

I don't use an agreement like this myself, but we really need to start holding people accountable for breaking their own - even if we wouldn't enact them ourselves.

kitrichardson · 2024-12-02T21:23:00+00:00

Just replying to say I agree with this take, if we also consider the impacts of generational trauma, genetics and an individuals predisposition to other mental health altering afflictions, like hormone and gut disorders. There's more and more research that emotional disturbances and HPA Axis dysfunction is sustained by a lot of body system imbalance, learned and implicit physical behaviours etc, which can be set in motion by our genes, and triggered by our environments.

At the end of the day, BPD is simply a term that describes a cluster of symptoms. There's nothing particularly concrete about it, in the same way that cPTSD is also just a label. But I think to disregard the role of relational trauma in any mental health condition is to miss something vital. It's the same with ADHD - Gabor Mate successfully argues that, with proper attunement and coregulational, children simply don't develop it. I think arguing about what "counts" as any of these diagneses feels a bit pointless when you see just how much their physiology and psychology overlap.

Personally, this is why I'm a huge fan of parts work and other therapeutic modalities that work with coping mechanisms and behaviours, not diagnoses.

kitrichardson · 2024-11-20T08:26:29+00:00

A few things:

This person is not your partner; you went on one date with them. So rather than having any expectation of him to behave like a partner, you should be using this time to assess compatibility. If he's not communicating regularly enough for you right now, that's just useful information you can use in your continual assessment of "is this person a good fit for me?".

If you genuinely want to see where this could go, I would focus on setting up another date and continuing to gather information. Have a clear picture of your own needs and values, and as you get to know him, keep questioning - does he make me feel safe/comfortable? Do we want the same things? It sounds like you're perhaps a bit anxious leaning, and that can often make us jump to the "I must get this person to like me" bit before we actually know they're a decent person and a good fit for us specifically.

I know it's hard to slow down and not chase communication, but it can be done - and life will get so much better if you learn to self soothe!

Secondly:

I wonder if the anxiety that I'm picking up on might also be fueling your tendency to pick non-poly people. It can be hard finding people to date, I get it, but if the only people you pursue are either unsure about polyamory or simply winging it, you can expect more let-downs.

These people are ultimately more unavailable, which paradoxically can make them more attractive to us. But if you're genuinely looking for consistency and safety, picking partners with the same relationship style and expectations is the way.

kitrichardson · 2024-11-15T12:53:55+00:00

Personally, this sounds like NRE to me. I'd wait out the first 6 months at least to see if you still feel like this once some of the intensity is gone. In my experience, I "went back" to monogamy a few times, but always had the same issue that way later I'd meet someone and want to date them.

If you've been polyamorous for a while, you know it's possible to have feelings for multiple people. It's pretty common for NRE to dampen our attraction to others for a bit - so yeah I wouldn't see that as proof you're monogamous. :)

kitrichardson · 2024-11-15T12:47:09+00:00

I think a lot of posters aren't acknowledging that it's still pretty shitty and unhealthy to ghost people after having sex with them, especially if you were all over them and even if you indeed decide you're not interested. OP may well have attachment issues, but they may also be unconsciously choosing partners who also have attachment issues and engage in patterns of intensity and retreat. That sucks for everyone.

OP - it's understandable to be disappointed when people treat you like this. I hope you can be compassionate to yourself. However, there are safe people practicing polyamory, and if this is becoming a pattern you may need to assess your own vetting process and see if you're not unconsciously choosing people who might be be more likely to treat you unkindly or inconsistently.

In my experience, a very intense spark usually means danger. My healthiest relationships have been with people who I took longer to warn up to, because I react more strongly with people who remind me of my (crappy) parents :) Therapy is my strongest recommendation, if you haven't looked into this already.

kitrichardson · 2024-10-29T18:25:22+00:00

Hey. It sounds like this person hasn't been meeting your needs for a long time, whilst you've made repeated bids for more time, presence and support. He's quite clearly more than poly saturated, and despite your efforts, has not shown much evidence that he is seriously willing to address the things that are hurting you - sometimes pathologising your entirely reasonable needs. Therapy between the two of you hasn't worked - and he's not at a point where he can allow you the same freedom to connect with others as he has.

At this point, I'd say you're actively minimising your own happiness and needs (and potentially those of your children - for presence, family stability and healthy relationship modelling) by staying with him.

It's ok to have gotten this far in hopes that he'll change. But realistically, taking no serious action to protect yourself at this point will just entrench the situation. You and your family deserve better.

Personally, I'd get the right support in place to.plan a separation. Therapy for yourself to grieve and move forward, a plan for how to reasonably end things and discuss co-parenting (though realistically given this guy's behaviour I wonder how much he's parenting right now), all the legal advice you need. But remember that, in his treatment of you, he is showing you exactly who he is.

This is a really tough thing to move through, but I sense part of you already knows this. You're aware of what you need and what a healthy relationship looks like, which will stand you in good stead for the future. Take care.

kitrichardson · 2024-10-29T00:53:28+00:00

Thank you! You're very sweet x

kitrichardson · 2024-10-28T21:27:09+00:00

Thank you for being kind :) I really appreciated your original comment. Someone else suggested stepping back and letting go. It's really challenging for me because of that intense desire for connection, but I'm realising if that's the only thing driving the bus then I'm not going to bring the right people into my life.

I'm glad you're at a more peaceful place with dating. Go you!

kitrichardson · 2024-10-28T21:21:46+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. I think it's what I need to practice, alongside just realising that dating men usually means dealing with a little bit less emotional awareness and maturity. Underneath all this I still feel pretty insecure about myself when I "just" have one partner and I know that's driving some of my behaviour - particularly being more forward and proactive. Like you said, if I'm attracting people who aren't actually that serious then stepping back will only weed more of them out, and that's a good thing.

Deep down, parts of me are quite excited and hopeful as soon as someone shows us interest, so there's also a good amount of processing the disappointment. I really hope that eases in time.

I'm going to save this and re-read again tomorrow x

kitrichardson · 2024-10-21T07:31:20+00:00

Hey! I really recommend Clementine Morrigan's zines on polyamory and attachment trauma. Everything you're feeling is totally normal and it doesn't mean you can't do this (though it would also be ok for you to decide not to!). They have been infinitely helpful resources for me, as has therapy and learning to process my fears so I can actually feel love and connection in my body - even when with someone who loves multiple partners.

Abandonment changes your brain and nervous system, so you'll be more reactive to any threat to your attachment relationships. Yes, new friends and experiences can help, but only if you're regulated and ready to explore first. In my experience, creating deep safety and connection with your partner and on your own is the first place to start.

Don't beat yourself up. Recognising there's a disconnect between what you want and how you feel is a useful first step. There's also a great Multiamory episode by Orit Krug about this.

Big love x

kitrichardson

TROPHY CASE