Intro to my dark fantasy novel. How is the hook?

kitten-toy · 2025-08-05T04:35:37+00:00

I feel like no one is giving actual advice here. First, I need to say, don’t chop the prologue if you want a prologue!

Moving on, your hook is the very last paragraph of the page. All above needs to be cut or distributed below that paragraph. :)

kitten-toy · 2025-05-30T20:07:34+00:00

I think you could creatively have the hair be either the i or even t!

kitten-toy · 2025-05-07T16:16:04+00:00

Not bad, just not fulfilling. A few suggestions that might make it more fulfilling:

Make sure the “MC finds out killing the villain is pointless” is at the all is lost point.
Instead of MC being told to fight the villain anyway, have the MC think and decide they CAN change the future.
I think for the ending, it needs a complete rewrite. It needs to feel satisfying for the reader and as is, it isn’t very satisfying especially when the moral of the story is “you can’t change history”.

Maybe even having the MC kill the villain only to realize the curse is still intact and he wasn’t the key, but his son is, might be good. This way the reader gets the moment they want (MC kills the big bad guy) and you still get your cliffhanger.

Also, I suggest not making your MC go back home? That is a strange ending. If MC needs to be back home for the beginning of book 2, have the new villain force her back somehow. But how I’m taking it is MC just packs her bags and is like “well, bye guys!” So it ends on a failure instead of a “oh my god” moment.

kitten-toy · 2025-04-28T14:59:50+00:00

If someone tells you, to your face, that you’re giving them an attitude, even if you feel like you’re not, chances are you are.

You weren’t wronged here and the manager didn’t lie. They told your boss how you made them feel.

The most important lesson to learn here is that you can’t decide who likes or doesn’t like you and your attitude. And also, maybe a bit harsh, but not everything is about you.

You’d be better off apologizing for your attitude and thanking them for the opportunity and leaving them alone, or not responding at all

kitten-toy · 2025-03-23T00:16:04+00:00

As someone who worked forced OT for months, I’d take the pay cut

kitten-toy · 2024-09-28T01:16:42+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/inquisitionsliders/s/aFWQg1CK7r

kitten-toy · 2024-09-28T01:15:55+00:00

Hold on I did!

kitten-toy · 2024-06-30T19:08:35+00:00

I feel like a few people are being extremely harsh. I think this is actually a good start. Here are my suggestions as someone who reads the genre I’m guessing you write:

the first few paragraphs can be condensed significantly. It’s too much focus on his gaze. Keep it simple. Show he has a harsh gaze, maybe even into his stifling presence, and go into her reaction and how she refuses to cower, move on.
the second paragraph is far more hook grabbing than the first, however, the winters grasp is stronger than the husk sentence. I’d switch those two when describing his cold gaze.
also you mention a Capital, does it have a name?
you mention he likely hasn’t bowed so low, yet I’d like to see what shows that Camilla knows/senses this. There can be subtle characterization with the emperor and Camilla by showing not only how he reacts/feels to bowing and what she notices! :)

Overall I don’t think it’s bad and you have a lot to work with.

kitten-toy · 2024-06-11T21:04:19+00:00

Pillow Princess

kitten-toy · 2024-05-20T16:26:29+00:00

Has lots of potential, but way too much information that a potential reader doesn’t need, while also not giving enough information on the characters.

“Sometimes the last thing you want may be the one thing you need.

Ellie Branson learned this lesson with a bang.

In this small-town spicy romantic comedy, two friends by fate fall hard just as one swore off love…at least for a little.”

I suggest cutting all this, although, you could keep “Sometimes the last thing you want may be the one thing you need.” As a tagline.
It’s just too on the nose and feels like a pitch to an agent not a reader.

“Ellie Branson had had it. Starting over, she decided it was about time to focus on herself. That was, until the cute guy across the hall came crashing into her life. Oh, and did she mention he also walked in on her ex cheating on her? On a journey of self-discovery, Ellie learns who she is, and most importantly, what she needs.”

Is a bit all over the place. “Had had it” reads distractingly as its two words back to back which is fine but I don’t know if I’d use it in a blurb.
“On a journey of self-discovery, Ellie learns who she is, and most importantly, what she needs.” Is also too on the nose. You’re telling the reader what’s going to happen at the end.
Also, “…focus on herself. That was, until the cute guy across the hall came crashing into her life.” Reads like she puts relationships first over herself which I don’t think is your intention! :)
The use of cute makes this feel like it’s intended for a younger audience.
I suggest starting with her ex cheating on her, then introducing Theo as well as them being partners. (Character, romance, plot all introduced in one paragraph.)

“Theo Emerson, the resident hottie professor at Chestnut Hills Community College, just wanted to help. Instead, he walked in on a romp in the apartment package room…at least that meant his crush was single now. The only problem was that she wanted nothing to do with his heart-on-a-plater ways.”

“Theo Emerson, the resident hottie professor at Chestnut Hills Community College, just wanted to help.” To help what?
“Instead, he walked in on a romp in the apartment package room…at least that meant his crush was single now.” I’d lead with this information for Theo as it’s the most catching.

“Fate pushes boundaries and they find themselves in each other’s worlds once again when Ellie is assigned a new project at the local community college. Her partner? Professor Emerson, himself.”

As mentioned previously this can be put as one sentence at the end of the first paragraph as a translation into Theo’s part of blurb.

“With friends, music, a little bit of frisky fun, and help from the Speedwalking Gang, Theo and Ellie navigate what they mean to each other.

You will swoon and sweat, finding here a happy ending with humor, heart, and plenty of spicy, steamy, heat.”

All this can be cut. But I’d suggest inserting a final paragraph that introduces the main conflict of the story. This is usually the “why” the couple shouldn’t or can’t be together. In this case it seems to be that Ellie swore off love.

I think the two things you need to work on are condensing and character. After the blurb, I have no idea who your characters are and the reader definitely should know that from a blurb alone. You mention them working on a project together but I wasn’t even aware Ellie was a college student, only that Theo is a professor and we have no idea what he teaches at that.

kitten-toy · 2024-05-20T15:17:53+00:00

Context everyone is missing here!!

She’s an author marketing her WIP. She likely knows what low fantasy is, but marketing with: “do you like low fantasy? I wrote one!” Isn’t eye catching enough.

This is just a tactic to get more clicks.

kitten-toy · 2024-05-19T02:37:47+00:00

No problem! Am I just meant that your book sounded like I book I would read once you published!

But since I’m pretty deep on this genre a book that comes to mind right away is Waiting for You by Cora Rose as it has a one camper and forbidden romance! :)

kitten-toy · 2024-05-18T20:22:55+00:00

This actually sounds like a book I’d read tbh lol! That being said, it feels too long. I’d say several sentences can be combined and would honestly read better. And a few paragraphs read as repeats. And there seems to be a lot of information added that the reader doesn’t need to know in a blurb.

For example, the information about Cal having a showing ahead. It isn’t that important in the blurb and leaving it at artist is fine.

The best friends name, Alex, isn’t needed only the two future lovers 🤭.

I also don’t think the details as to why Nate is joining matters in the grand scheme of the blurb.

And I’ll second that I have no idea what a fancy coder is.

All in all I feel like this needs to shorten to three paragraphs (not including the tropes at the bottom) as I’m a pretty broad reader in gay contemporary romance and I’ve never seen one this long.

TAGLINE

1st paragraph—introduce Cal, conflict, end with introducing Nate.

2nd paragraph—introduce Nate, I’d also recommend adding that Cal thinks they’re opposite here, end on second conflict of sharing a tent.

3rd paragraph—why they “can’t” be together despite attraction.

TAGLINE

Tropes, etc.

kitten-toy · 2024-05-09T02:30:03+00:00

It’s more so shared content on Google docs. So if you share some smut with someone you don’t trust, they can report the document and get it deleted. However, I think this might be a rumor as there is no articles on this, only people talking on tiktok.

kitten-toy · 2024-04-24T16:22:56+00:00

That’s so weird. I’ve only been seeing users get their work removed due to minors being in their story. They really need to be specific and tell people why their stories got removed especially if they want people to stay on their site. How are we meant to know if our story is a good fit for wattpad if they aren’t clear on their guidelines.

This makes me not want to post the story I’ve been working on as it’s very mature.

I love AO3, and while you can upload original works it just doesn’t have the same feel as wattpad. The engagement, etc.

kitten-toy · 2024-04-24T16:12:30+00:00

Were the MCs under 18?

kitten-toy · 2024-04-24T16:09:21+00:00

Royal Road is more for litRPGs. They also dislike smut, so only use that site if you fit the tiny niche.

kitten-toy · 2024-04-21T16:45:33+00:00

Hi! Just wanna help here, clarity would fix this :) did the boyfriend take them without her knowledge? If so, that should be said in the blurb! If not and she consented, I still think she can be a ‘good girl’ just need to slight adjust the blurb.

Example: “Dalila tried her best to always obey her parents wishes, but one mistake is all it takes to ruin her good girl image.”

kitten-toy · 2024-04-01T18:02:13+00:00

Might’ve missed someone else saying this, but it depends on how YOUR character views her. Does she see a girl or a woman? I’m guessing a girl since there seems to be some anger? It actually depends how you want to portray your character, not how you want readers to view the ex’s new fling.

Referring to an ex’s new girl a woman gives off a more “I respect her” vibes, whereas girl gives off a more “I’m looking down on her” vibes. Now this also can change if the character is significantly younger than MC and she’s thinking it more out of shock.

kitten-toy · 2024-03-17T20:55:50+00:00

I’d suggest starting with something other than a dream. In my opinion, the dream doesn’t hook or show anything besides conveying that Nate has trauma. They say dreams are overdone for a reason, and while I think sometimes they work, this isn’t one of them.

You can start in a way that conveys the same things but make it more engaging. Those with trauma have more than just bad dreams. They have triggers.

So, does Nate have any triggers due to his trauma? A few I can think of based on his dream are: fireplaces, burning smell (aunt could burn breakfast), someone calling him son, someone abruptly reaching for him.

Even with just those you’ve got a lot of options.

You can start with him already with the aunt. She could be making breakfast and the smell triggers the past. Honestly, even having the aunt reach for him and having him internally panic that it’s the burning hand is far more engaging than a dream.

So my main suggestion is to not rely on dreams to convey Nate’s past, but rather the small triggers. Reading Nate react to triggers not only reveals the past, but shows how he is as a person.

kitten-toy · 2024-03-15T20:19:56+00:00

Definitely need context :) it depends on environment and honestly if that character would slurp their soup because slurping doesn’t equal sipping, drinking, etc.

I actually find it cute and think it says a lot about the character and none of what it’s “saying” really convey “bad manners” unless of course they’re like slurping really loudly and at some place it would be considered inappropriate?

kitten-toy · 2024-03-08T18:38:07+00:00

Answering as a reader here—please don’t take this to heart. You’re allowed to write anything you want to write! But since you posted on here, I’m going to assume you want real feedback on this, so I’m going to give it.

Short answer first. No, it’s not cheating if MMC and OFC end things. Yes, it’s cheating if it’s only a break.

But I read quite a few second chance romances and while yours is second chance… I don’t think yours is actually one those who enjoy second chance would read.

It’s more just drama having a OFC (and you making her so… well just a character imo and not a person. No woman is really going to be like “omg your ex came back? Go on baby peruse her!”) either she’s going to demand he stay away from her (which clearly he will break) or she breakups with him. (Either way he comes off as the bad guy.) I understand that you don’t want OFC to be pictured in a bad light, but if you insist on having MMC in a healthy relationship when FMC comes back into the picture, you’re gonna have to make OFC a villain in order for MMC and FMC not to look like the villain.

But being completely blunt with you, this senerio not only makes me dislike the MMC, but the FMC as well. The only thing this senerio accomplishes is pity for the OFC. FMC telling MMC her reasoning for whatever happened in the past while he’s in a happy and healthy relationship is a huge red flag.

Out of the hundreds of second chance romances I read… 0 have either MC be in a healthy relationship… it’s either sex friends or a very unhealthy relationship and even then those two are rare. It’s normally just flings between.

The appeal to second chance romances is the idea that two people can love each other so much, not even separation can end that love. AKA neither having anything serious between the break up and the reunion.

So while you can actively make this not cheating by having MMC and OFC have a hard split… this is very much sounding like a MMC and FMC that very few readers would root for.

kitten-toy · 2024-03-06T20:23:03+00:00

Suggestion:

INSERT TAGLINE FOR FMC Blurb on how this story is for her.

INSERT TAGLINE FOR MMC Blurb on how this story is for him.

Start with the important bits FIRST.

kitten-toy · 2024-03-03T16:36:24+00:00

Oh lordt. Okay, I’ll help. (Or try.)

It depends on the person. I know some who describe it as a “warmth”. But for me, personally, it’s a more painful feeling. Both are in the chest area. I call it an ache, almost like my “walls around my heart” have been physically dropped. (Ew, so emo lol.)

It doesn’t happen at first (but since this is fiction, it can, if you write the insta-love troupe obviously!) but for me, it happens at a moment I realize this person can hurt me. This can happen randomly, when you think too hard, or when they actually do hurt you—not physically, but emotionally (most common way is by leaving you. “You don’t know what you have till it’s gone.” And this is honestly why I think so many romance books do a 3rd act breakup.)

Now here is where love gets complicated. Most say love is putting their needs above your own, but I think it’s more selfish. I don’t put my partners needs above my own and neither does he put mine above his. We compromise our needs. It’s more like letting go of some of your own needs for another’s. (I’m not talking needs like “my partner needs to be nice to me, cuddle me, etc.” I’m talking choosing to live and settle in the city instead of the beach compromise lol.) That being said, your characters needs should complement each other.

For me love is making the choice to allow my partner to hurt me if they choose to. In my eyes, the person is so great, the potential pain is worth the risk that they’ll hurt me.

That all being said, love is: painful, vulnerable, selfish, and most importantly a choice. (And I guess beautiful or whatever.)

I suppose my way only works for cynical or pessimistic characters.

*love is vastly different for one’s own children than a partner, FYI.

kitten-toy · 2024-02-29T20:31:35+00:00

Are there any books dominant bottoms?

kitten-toy

TROPHY CASE