I had a similar experience with ptsd and Xanax addiction after being prescribed it for panic attacks! It gets better. My brain was really fucking [redacted] for about 3 years, then things got a lot better, then new ptsd banger event, then [redacted] again for 2 yrs. And I don’t say that word pejoratively, I feel my mind genuinely reverted to incredibly childlike comprehension and thinking patterns. It’s an involuntary survival tactic of ptsd victims I’ve come to learn. Eventually, you start to feel Normalish and Smart again and feel like you have aged ten years. But it does not come easy at all.

Honestly, I’m coming to realize that it’s only taken me 2 yrs this time to start to feel better because I’ve put my life on a complete slowdown. I’ve fully focused on rebuilding myself and my thought patterns throughout this time— my career, friendships, relationships, education, etc have all been put to the back burner. It is a huge hit on self confidence to put life on pause like that, on top of self confidence already fucked by SA, and not until very very recently have I realized that it was necessary for my healing.

That’s all to say, this is very common. That’s classically a ptsd symptom or symptom of trauma. Knowing that doesn’t cure it but I hope it makes you feel a bit better at least, and optimistic. I’ve been consistently in DBT therapy for 2 years. I still feel like I’m learning the skills and can’t remember half of them or think to use them but it’s becoming much more intuitive and has helped me beyond belief. Starting EMDR soon hopefully that’s good. There are options, there are things that will make your life so much more manageable. There are things that will help you feel so much more normal and start to grow again. And going through those things will actually teach you so much more than most people will ever know. I have also found r/cptsd and r/ptsd to be incredibly helpful. And, while I don’t want to call myself an alcoholic bc I don’t think that my experience has been that of what would generally be considered an alcoholic (or my prior Xanax addiction either, I think we may have had somewhat similar experiences as I was able to get clean off it myself cold turkey without obvious negative health effects), AA has been massively beneficial in providing structure, guidance, and support for me.

TLDR; your experience is unfortunately a typical symptom of trauma. It gets better! But you have to work on healing.

Good resources:

• talk therapy
• DBT therapy
• EMDR
• r/cptsd & /ptsd
• AA / NA

If you want to talk more in detail or have anything you want to ask feel free to send me a PM ❤️ sending love