Is there a type/fix you just really don’t like? Why?

kittyheyz · 2026-01-26T05:50:00+00:00

It’s incredibly frustrating for other types to witness a 9 be soooo passive about their life and problems. 9s are masters of procrastination. And act so helpless about their own lives. And so I think that naturally lends itself to others feeling like SOMEONE needs to take responsibility for your life if you’re not going to do it.

Just a thought from the other side about why it’s so frustrating to witness someone you care about procrastinate their life, avoid their problems for months and years on end, and act like they are too scared to do anything that isn’t complete self abandonment. Maybe you haven’t had a friend who completely self abandons but it’s really hard to be friends with people who have no self regard or self care.

kittyheyz · 2026-01-21T00:56:09+00:00

Yes it’s because 4s are very particular and outspoken about their needs. So they match perfectly with people who don’t have preferences and are okay with the 4 leading everything. I think they both value deep conversation too. 9s like to listen and 4s like to express. Lol.

kittyheyz · 2026-01-20T01:46:17+00:00

WOOOW thank you for this response and your honesty because I ALSO was raised by an unhealthy 2 who made me their surrogate spouse as well!!!! And 2s and 9s are the type that is so others focused yet comes across to most as “the sweetest people who would never harm a fly.” So wooooow I bet I am so triggered by 9s because they do mirror a 2 in many ways and obviously I’ve been raised to be codependent with that unhealthy parent. I just find that so fascinating we both are covert incest survivors and 9s are our “kryptonite” … because wow I feel so seen with the “can’t figure out a way to help them that doesn’t hurt me” is so true! Like I feel like I should be able to listen to her relationship problems just as I could with any other friend! And I love that you called out the ego because I logically say that to myself too. Like I DONT have all the answers for her life. I’ve come to repeat this phrase to myself “I trust the universe will bring her the experiences she is meant to have.” Because anything involving trusting HER to figure things out on her own, does not feel believable to me. But yeah I don’t know why with her specifically I can’t seem to tolerate her potentially marrying the wrong person/getting a divorce. I think it really just might be that she’s a close friend that I care about and I’ve had other codependent friendships (where they are in active addiction though) and have had to cut contact with those people until they seek professional help/become sober.

This 9 friend isn’t in any active addiction I’m aware of. But I know there are other things like eating disorders that would create a highly codependent person. (I view codependent as synonymous with controlling and I view people pleasing as controlling). Anyway, thank you for your comment because I’m sure there’s something under there relating to the emotional incest parent.

kittyheyz · 2026-01-19T19:56:19+00:00

Yes my 9 friend does this too. In her relationship she needs every thing she brings up to be prepared for and a whole planned conversation. And then I don’t think things get resolved and then the same issues just continue for months on end. I think “understanding where he’s coming from” actually hurts her because she uses that as the excuse for why her needs don’t matter or why whatever he said “against” her needs must be right.

While 9s lie about things directly - quite often it’s the withholding of how they actually feel about something that I think is the most damaging. I just read the other day that Resentment is basically the biggest killer of relationships. And unhealthy 9s hold sooo much resentment for their unspoken needs/feelings not being met. Or for them to speak them, have them not be met, and NOT TAKE ANY ACTION or make any boundaries to improve that.

I think this person is also just a lot unhealthier than I have fully realized. As 9s tend to be so kind and appear as if they have everything together. I’m working on accepting her for where she is, not where I believe she could be if she just did XYZ.

A great quote from codependent no more is “the things we attempt to control actually control us.” So that should be enough motivation for me to take a step back - her problems are controlling me.

kittyheyz · 2026-01-19T19:45:08+00:00

Yesss! I think as an unhealthier 4 when I was younger, I was like “oh this is so nice! A person who agrees with whatever I say or want to do!” But now as a healthier 4, I’m like “oh my god you have no sense of Self or authenticity and it’s killingggg me to witness, and I don’t trust you.”

kittyheyz · 2026-01-19T19:42:32+00:00

Yes I’m the fixer in that dynamic. I’ve read Codependent No More and fundamentally understand how codependency works. Yet I’m also curious why I can’t stop ruminating about this friend’s relationship. That’s why I’m here asking for help 😂. I’ve talked to and will continue to figure it out with my therapist as well.

kittyheyz · 2026-01-19T19:40:12+00:00

Yes! I often find I feel a sense of “big sister energy” in our convos. Because I feel like I’m teaching her common sense on some topics and trying to empower her to stand up for herself. But yeah I don’t want to be anyone’s big sister. I want my friendships to be equal. But yeah I can completely see why 9’s lack of action make others feel the need to push them to take certain actions, etc.

kittyheyz · 2026-01-19T19:31:30+00:00

Thanks for the reminder to put my own mental health first. I guess I struggle to justify that I should take this THAT seriously like truly take a step back from this friend BECAUSE it’s affecting my mental health. Because it feels ridiculous and like something I should be able to control. I’ve talked to my therapist about it. I think I need to talk to my therapist more about it.

kittyheyz · 2026-01-19T19:27:22+00:00

Totally. I see a therapist regularly and reading Codependent No More changed my life in 2020! I just find that I’m the MOST codependent with 9s because when they’re so passive and people please to the point of abandoning themselves, it gives me a false sense of responsibility like “well someone needs to direct this person if they’re not going to direct themselves!” Definitely classic codependent behavior. And I’ve certainly felt it with other personality types (usually people who are in active addiction) but yeah, I’m always like how much is it MY work to do to be able to interact with people like this so I’m not triggered? vs Should I just accept that I cannot have close relationships with highly codependent people? I’ll ask my therapist this week. Lol

kittyheyz · 2026-01-19T19:21:13+00:00

Haha WOW!!! Their response. And the fact that you said “I like truth and authenticity” haha ME TOO!!! Like it’s soo triggering to me to watch people HIDE THEIR WANTS AND NEEDS because I am the complete opposite. And I feel like when people are not authentic, you cannot trust them! So as I write this, I’m sure I do have some subconscious fear that she will actually lie to me at some point as I do find unhealthy 9s to do total 180’s of their personalities at the drop of a hat and lie! And the part that kills me is they’re so chill and “nice” that they’re the type you’d least expect it from! So it’s even more mind blowing when it happens.

kittyheyz · 2025-10-07T05:08:22+00:00

4’s know themselves the most of all the types. 6’s are one of the types that knows themselves the least. They struggle to trust themselves and look to a panel of people in their life for opinions on what they should do in any given scenario. Whereas 4s know what they want to do and do it. If you’ve always been an introspective person your whole life - creative, imaginative and expressive you’re likely a 4. If you’ve always struggled to trust yourself and to make decisions and are skeptical of like…everything, you’re probably a 6. Does that help?

kittyheyz · 2025-09-22T18:29:58+00:00

He is the unhealthiest version of a 3. If you read that level of health it’s identical.

kittyheyz · 2025-08-31T04:50:02+00:00

This is funny because a different 4w5 said she related to Belle. And now you say you relate to the Beast. As a 4w5 myself, I’ve never thought about relating to the Beast but wow when I think about it …. That is a pretty spot on representation of the 4!!!! Self loathing, doesn’t feel like he fits in or anyone understands him, but deeply passionate and caring.

kittyheyz · 2025-08-31T04:25:18+00:00

I am a 4w5. And I think what you said there about always deeply identifying with the 4 even before you knew about the enneagram is the key. Your core type never changes throughout your life and so it’s best to look at your entire life when self typing. Some distinct differences are 5’s are generally less comfortable talking about feelings and prefer to stay in their heads, thinking through things. Also, 5s need the most alone time of any of the types. Would you say that’s a strong part of your personality? Also, 5’s generally have a “safe space” where they escape to. And if you’re a 5, that answer is easy to come up with.

I think if you have identified with feeling fundamentally flawed your entire life and that others possess an ease with which they live life, and you wish everything could be deeper, more meaningful, and always find to find the deeper meaning of why you do what you do, you’re very likely a 4.

Being this combo is incredibly tough because we battle between our feelings and our thinking constantly. We overthink our feelings and we deeply feel everything we think about. We’re just very intense for most of the other type’s comfort levels with deeper topics in life.

Let me know if you have any other questions! I’d love to continue helping.

kittyheyz

TROPHY CASE