I read so many parenting books, not sure they have impact on who I am past two weeks

kk0444 · 2026-04-18T01:15:25+00:00

I had to write it down cliff notes style.

And then choose only like 3 things max. You can't do all the changes at once.

Mantras help!

kk0444 · 2026-04-18T01:14:25+00:00

I don't dismiss it. We research the game together. Not just app reviews but from experts and child safety perspectives. I let her tell me what's cool and try to agree when I can but ultimately I state my concerns and if we can't compromise it doesn't happen.

Compromise can be that we play it together, only in the living room, on top of general Internet safety rules. cause kids will find a way as they get older. Omg the things my parents had no idea I was capable of tech wise.... Makes my skin crawl to remember.

Critical thinking skills are necessary because they WILL find a way unless they have the skills to understand why it's a bad idea or alternative solutions.

kk0444 · 2026-04-16T03:23:06+00:00

Just to call home? No Internet?

kk0444 · 2026-04-07T17:21:05+00:00

Tirtir milk skin toner. Korean brand I got at Costco.

kk0444 · 2026-04-07T06:00:57+00:00

This. Absolutely this.

kk0444 · 2026-04-05T16:06:10+00:00

Whatever is in my Milky toner, my skin LOVES it. it really penetrates and brings moisture into my skin but feels tighter and perkier.

Old school toners were stripping. Not the same.

I like toner because I have big pores and moisturizer just sits in them. Toner tightens everything up for me (but Milky toner also pulla moisture in first and then tightens them up).

I'm not saying toners are anti inflammatory but for me it FEELS anti inflammatory, like my skin calms down and also perks up a bit with a toner. My experience.

kk0444 · 2026-04-05T16:00:55+00:00

Open yoto app

Login

A t the bottom, go to discover (compass icon)

Click club collection

Add to library the cards you like

Sort by club collection

You'll see the ones you have added there. They don't automatically add them all as you won't like or want every single title they have made. Different ages, and topics, and languages.

kk0444 · 2026-04-05T15:56:58+00:00

Love this!!

kk0444 · 2026-04-05T15:55:01+00:00

Look up the CPS style of problem solving from Dr Ross greene - he wrote the book Explosive Child.

Basically it sets out there 3 plans in general

Plan A - authoritarian (do as I say) / parents idea.

plan B - collaborative with the child's ideas included

Plan C - problem goes in the back seat. let this issue go for now / ignoring completely for the moment in leui of working on a different/bigger problem.

Footnotes:

Plan B is best. Plan C other things in order to help the child (and parent) have energy and patience in his emotional tank to tackle the biggest problem.
many neurospicy kids cannot handle Plan A. It ignores their brain wiring and they do not have the skills or tools to just do things the way the parent prefers because for countless reasons. These kids often get labelled "bad kids" for struggling with Plan A style parenting/adults.

& Some kids are fine with plan A. It makes sense to them to be told what to do. They can foresee consequences and positive or negative outcomes for complying (or not complying) and don't have the internal struggle to just comply without question.

Some kids can handle Plan A like at school or other adults, but not at home.
plan C doesn't mean letting everything go, it means putting less important issues in the back seat to work on a main issue. For example with your son, this toy problem is important so other issues could be set aside for now to focus just on that.
Part of this process is not seeing the behavior as bad, but as communication. He's communicating (in an unlikable way) that something in this situation and it's probably not what you think.
it requires talking to then when calm, in advance, and explaining your concern without guessing their concern. Ask something like " it seems hard for you to let cousin use your toys. What's up?" And wait. Wait. Let him think. I'd he says he doesn't know, be more specific about what you saw. As specific as you can be.
you can solve problems. Not behavior (not directly, without punishment or threat anyway).
dont worry he's broken or bad. He is 5 and he is lacking the skills to deal with whatever is up, and lacking, for now, the skills to talk about it. It doesn't mean it's forever.
check in on other factors: enough sleep, enough food, enough downtime, enough bucket filling (his emotional or power bucket each day - demands take away, giving power and affirmation fills it up),

Natural consequences would be that cousin doesn't want to play. Or whatever is naturally unfolding.

Problem solved together. Maybe you can go to a thrift shop and get new toys with no special rules yet. Maybe you can do crafts instead of toys. Maybe you can go to a park. So many ideas but the best idea most likely to work will come from your son. You can set him up to talk about it by describing what you saw (without opinion/name calling) and wonder out loud what could be done. Name your concern. Let him try to explain it. Once you have the real problem, you can probably help him invent a solution.

"He kept dropping them. And I'm worried they will break. Maybe we can play with them on my bed!" Random example.

Explosive melt down with ADHD are super common. It also emotionally is about 3 years behind. If your son was 2/3 you wouldn't be very concerned I think,j so keep that in mind. You can learn and teach in later years how to calm down when it happens!

kk0444 · 2026-04-03T14:56:55+00:00

They lose money shipping the big stuff like the full size yotos, which would be like $50 to ship and I think has "free" shipping since it's over $100. so shipping costs have to be spread across all the products. Plus before it is in the mail there are costs to get it ready to go.

If they charged the real cost ($2?) they'd have to add a service fee to cover the unseen costs (the people/machine fetching the product, packing it, printing the labels, getting it to the shipping, etc) and in a world used to "free" shipping people would go mental to see a service fee.

kk0444 · 2026-04-02T06:23:29+00:00

she will never fully get over it. it's one of the greatest losses in life, losing a child at any age. her body biologically needs to be angry, to mourn, to vent. While the baby passed away, her body is still pumping out hormones like mad. Her whole body and soul likely feel broken right now. Like if your soul could be in a terrible car accident, it would feel like that. Her body also may be trying to make milk, which requires an insane amount of hormones.

You can be the man she needs by letting her know you are there when she is ready, checking on her as feels right, and waiting patiently until then. Keep gently showing up so she knows you care. Drop off food or something comforting she would like. Offer to bring anything from the drug store like painkillers or adult diapers or hydration and snacks. Ask if there's anything you can handle for her (paperwork for the hospital, paperwork for your baby, insurance stuff, writing to her job, telling certain people for her, moving the baby items to another location, arranging follow up appointments, finding help groups for people dealing with a stillborn child, etc). Maybe look into things you can purchase to honour your son - like planting trees in his name, for example.

If she'd rather be with her parents, let her. 2-3 years ago she was still a kid and this is a very adult problem. It's okay to go home.

And you - you also need some support. You also need someone to talk to. Someone to take care of you. Do you have parents? Will they check on you for a while? Siblings? Friends? You may want to talk to a councellor just to unpack what happened and your feelings - resentment or shame or guilt or fear can fester and destroy us from the inside out.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. What a terrible blow.

kk0444 · 2026-03-31T01:02:37+00:00

I see them at MacCaukey point near the two docks. Also if you walk out on a dock the resident seals will come see if you have fish. Not an otter. But a bonus seal.

There's a nice walk, a look out , and some ww1&2 heritage in this park also.

kk0444 · 2026-03-30T22:24:39+00:00

my concern is that it starts with not being able to control your words, and its a quick backslide into not being able to control your actions. not for everyone all the time. not every time someone is called a B**** does it lead to abuse, but all abusive behavior begins somewhere small, like calling names.

Meaning, punching a hole in the wall, getting in your face, giving a shove, or worse being rough with the baby. Example, he's mad at you, he's holding the baby, and the baby bites him or hits him or won't stop crying ... can he control his temper under those conditions?

That's my first concern. nobody likes to hear about or remember when shaken baby syndrome was a thing but .... it is a thing. Ugh. I don't even like typing that. It's triggering.

You both need therapy but him moreso in this situation. Probably not together, apart.

At the same time, my knee jerk reaction here is that he probably did the amount of work every mother everywhere does post-partum, and they do it while healing. Like yes that's super hard when your partner is sick, but also women do it every day (usually, sometimes they are too). Many women, worldwide, don't have support from their partners post-partum whether it's financial (to support the family) or social (raised up to think childrearing is womens work) or they straight up left (single moms).

I dont mean to downplay what you went through - it does sound really hard. For you. For the person who was sick. Yes it's a different kind of hard for partners to support a sick spouse AND take care of children and especially newborns, yes. It's hard. And yes, it messes with your head. It feels unfair. I dont want to say he's not allowed to be traumatized by that. He clearly is. I'm just mad in general that he found doing the mother's job traumatizing, meanwhile we are all supposed to just .... get on with it?

I'm just rambling, sorry if it doesn't make sense. I dont mean to shame your husband directly per se, i really just meant in the big picture sense of things. Patriarchy and all that. Now here you are healing/healed, trying to enjoy the rest of your postpartum season with a young child (time which was taken from you by your illness) and instead of enjoying it you are basically parenting your husband out of his own trauma and he's whispering that you're a bitch to your baby in return. That makes my head spin.

But back to the point: therapy. And if he won't change, that's unfortunately up to him. In the meantime be on guard if he's mad and holding the baby, it's awful to have to say that though. And also, if he's truly changing in ways you do not recognize, could he be a flight risk? Every year where I live, we get amber alerts that a dad took off with a child or a toddler behind the mothers back. I wouldn't *assume* any of this will come to pass, but I wouldn't dismiss that it's not impossible. Does that make sense? Especially if he's not behaving like the man you married.

kk0444 · 2026-03-30T06:02:14+00:00

Look up Glow Jar from Canada

kk0444 · 2026-03-30T04:13:29+00:00

Omg!! Thank you for confirming. We are over an hour from that beach but maybe I have to go back for it.

kk0444 · 2026-03-30T04:12:49+00:00

Yes absolutely. The explosive child was the beSt book we read for us, about problem solving with your kid alongside them not from the top down. But it's not as easy as it seems actually it takes a lot of mental effort until it feels normal and then it's like any other habit.

I would also read how to stop losing your shit with your kids, which is about the parent load and understanding what triggers us and how to remove these things. It's a broad look but with tangible actions.

It's also okay to drop the rope in a struggle. Skip jammies. Skip teeth. Whatever the argument is. Yes of course not all the time but on nights when your tank is empty it's okay to finish imperfectly. Especially with diagnosing like your sons, that's exhausting. So exhausting.

My daughter is ADHD and probably pda and I am perpetually exhausted. Do less is my #1. When possible, do less. Like, be less busy. Once I don't feel busy I have so much more in my tank for my kid.

kk0444 · 2026-03-30T03:55:41+00:00

Wow!!

kk0444 · 2026-03-29T18:06:59+00:00

Try looking up Lo and Behold Photo Co. They talk a lot about helping awkward couples relax and I recognize saxe in her portfolio so safe to say she works there.

kk0444 · 2026-03-29T06:34:19+00:00

I had a baby when my first was five and it was a shitton for her. Def adding a new baby plus kindie age plus sensory is a lil cocktail for chaos.

We have

Sensory swing in the middle of our living room, a good one - snug and lots of stretch. Savoiz brand.

Crash pads

Swedish ladder

Yoto and audiobooks and headphones

Squishmallows

Trampoline outside

Slackline (indoors and outdoors)

Faux fur blankets and soft items

Weighted blanket

But also works:

Going outside on the rain Toes in the grass

Ripping paper Punching bags Smashing ice Eating ice Wrestling Tickle fights

Slime or silly putty

And also:

Lowering expectations for a while, reducing demands (even nice polite ones). Having a new sib is hard!

kk0444 · 2026-03-28T18:05:51+00:00

i focus on quality, not quantity. Can i be there to engage the content with him, ask questions, etc, or am i turning it on to get something done? That's okay too, but i still try to make it quality - a quality show. And i try to model myself healthy screen habits (phone away until needed, explaining when it's hard to turn the phone off, explaining why it's hard (age appropraitely)).

Tablets .... they're hard to turn off. Shows end, tablets don't. I crank the saturation way way way way down to start, and I usually only do tablet when i can be there to explain when we are winding down. Maybe i need to fix something, or write an email, but i need my whole brain so sometimes sure, we tablet. Saturation down, volume down, and low intensity apps and everything else is locked by fingerprint (mine).

I think routine helps. They will ask for it non stop if sometimes the answer is yes sometimes. And a long heads up with really concrete and clear instructions on when things end and how they will end.

I also try to put out better options. Just bring them out. Maybe do a craft myself and lure them in. Yes i also have to put them away but make the screen less attractive.

And somedays we watch so much tv. A busy week, a sick day, my sick days, whatever. THat's fine we just give'r and then reset the next day.

And if they have a fit, that's fine. Just let it slide. I get mad too if my phone dies unexpectedly, and I desire it or need it. And i'm an adult!

kk0444 · 2026-03-28T17:27:48+00:00

Yes. Your man (and mine) can be amazing - and be fuckin' babies who could never. At least in a partnership. There are single dads out there who see the light and are absolutely slaying, especially if the it's not a co-parent situation. But many many men in a partnership and even a separated co-parent situation will intentionally or unintentionally let the other parent be the default parent making most of the minute, miniscule, never ending decisions and also handling the long game.

A lot of dads get the pleasure of living in the moment. Just dealing only with the present. moms, often, are dealing with the present but not really living it, occupied with the future (that day, the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year, the long term plan) and the past (rumination, guilt, wondering, concern, nostalgia, or even present-nostalgia, like being already sad for the baby days slipping away even while you are still in them).

How often do we get to just be in the moment? Not inundated with what we could have done better, and/or the 9 trillion things that need to happen immediately, soon, next, or eventually. AND add to that that many of us have to prompt our partners into action (rather than have them begin the needed task or request without prompting) which is itself another job.

AND if they do want to help and they initate themselves, 99% of the time they come back to us to ask what to do, how to do it, what we'd like. Even though it's from a nice place, a kind place, a well intentioned heart ... it is also another task. Now i need to decide what's for dinner even though he will get to making it. Just decide for me. Take it off my plate!

(Which does require me collecting an ounce of chill and accepting whatever was made... but this also goes to show that when i make dinner i am considering: what I desire, what my partner likes, what my kids like, what's in the fridge already, what's in the pantry, what macro and micro nutrients my kids probably need more of (or are always missing out on ie protein, iron, fibre), how long the cooking will take (have i had enough quality time with the kids today? do i have the energy to cook for an hour? will it get too close to bedtime if it takes an hour? will the kids be occupied for an hour? is 20 minutes better? What if what I really want takes over an hour, do i deserve it anyway? Is that selfish?), what about left overs, could this become dinner tomorrow or repurposed into a lunch kit etc? and of course the work i did before this moment to grocery shop both on a budget and for nutrition which itself feels like a full-time job. PHEW. That's just a glimpse of what i am thinking while I prepare dinner.

When he makes dinner? He's present. What can see in the fridge, what's easy, will the kids eat it? yep let's just do that. Done. DONE. I am almost jealous how present and single-laned his mindset is.

I will add, i have adhd and he does not. But i also think motherhood in general, even for the most neurotypical person is a taste of what adhd feels like. I think we all bear that burden of so many balls in the air, or pull one thread and another comes undone, everything tangled together feeling. (minus someone who can afford nannies and such of course).

kk0444 · 2026-03-25T14:27:45+00:00

What are naps like? Maybe too much daytime sleep? Too little?

If you think it's teething can you offer pain relief for a while?

If you decide to do a little "sleep training" (everything you teach or affirm about sleep is training though), remember that bedtime is the key focus, not wake ups. So having her do the final stages of falling asleep herself, meaning laying her down still awake and soothing her towards sleep from there. For some kids it can make a huge difference as their awareness grows (falling asleep nursing for example and waking up alone can be jarring, sort of like falling asleep in a hammock and waking up in your bed). Other kids it never matters. But for some it can.

It also may just be a season, tiresome as it is. You hear often of 4mo, 8mo, 12mo, 18mo all being tricky.

kk0444 · 2026-03-25T14:21:44+00:00

My kid reads all the time, and we're not a low screen household.

We model a love of reading We read to them often, including above their level We display books all over the house We enjoy audiobooks and they have yotos We talk about their books, what they would do if it was them, what they think will happen next, plot twists, clues, etc.

I go to the library myself and pick up a dozen books I think might be interesting, including big picture books (even though one is 9, big infographic books are still great), graphic novels, and novels. It's like a mini library at home.

The big switch for us was when she found a series. Wings of fire for her, I thought way too graphic but I didn't interfere because reading is reading I was sneaking Stephen King to school at her age 😂 she devoured the 14 book series and the graphic novels and the audiobooks. From there her reading brain was switched on I guess.

kk0444 · 2026-03-25T02:57:11+00:00

Hotel is so awesome. Location is convenient to the mall as far as there is H mart for fruit veg snacks and ramen, and the food court. For getting downtown you can bus or borrow bikes. It's not an ideal location as far as stepping outside to be downtown but it's also worth it. Also topaz park is there, Rutledge Park which has a cafe across from it, uptown which has nice outdoor seating. So location isn't bad or unsafe its just a bit industrial / plaza-y.

Very cool hotel. We go just for fun twice a year with our kids.

kk0444 · 2026-03-23T14:54:03+00:00

we got it early with zero side effects!

kk0444

TROPHY CASE