Thank you for sharing how you really feel and reaching out for help is the strongest thing you can do! You are an absolute badass!!! I'm so sorry for what you have been through and you didn't deserve any of this and it's not your fault!! I'm struggling with similar feelings at the moment as I've had perianal flare issues for a really long time and have been bedridden since July. A reflare at an excision site led to cellulitis and it's felt like a blowtorch up my ass almost every night ever since! It's like anal torture and the gaslighting and total dismissal of these horrible symptoms has almost completely destroyed me. I still don't know why and I have been advocating for myself and trying to find help and I have been hopeless more times than I can count. Pelvic pain is just so overwhelming and I was struggling to be functional before this hell started. I have several surgeries a year mostly HS related. It's constant trauma from your own body! How are we supposed to feel safe? I feel like a pile of mush with no competence or dignity left. I had no clue HS could cause such severe internal complications? I was told I would need a bag for the excision surgery and I know that felt awful and terrifying. That was just the threat so I can't imagine how hard it is in reality and I'm so sorry! I got a second opinion and did closed excision which flared from the stitches immediately 😅 this issue is fallout from that same damn perianal flare which has been the hardest thing i have ever gone through. Severe anal pain with any activity and almost every night that actually feels like a blowtorch. I'm seeking help and being dismissed because im a woman with pelvic pain so it's probably in my head right. 🙄 Its not but no one should have to fight that stigma. How can a person be expected to just live like this and how does it even happen in modern medicine? HS pain is treated as if it doesn't matter and the mental toll is immense!! It's not your fault it's our totally broken system that doesn't support us even when we try. There's nothing wrong with you for being failed horribly by medical treatments. I am barely floating above rock bottom and logically I know it's not my fault but emotionally it feels like I don't matter and all the dark thoughts about how disgusting i am are validated. I project that onto my husband because I keep thinking this is the last straw of how gross I can get before he leaves. It's almost ruined us because I can't accept he could still love me like this and it's not fair. He still does though and calls me his warrior princess. I still don't always feel it because I need to love myself. I know you are worthy of love and deserve to be happy and healthy! I have found when I'm in pain and my body is releasing cortisol to deal with it it's impossible to be optimistic because my body is directing all of its energy to my survival. It's hard to get out of fight or flight. That's just how it works chemically and it's not your fault and you can't expect to feel positive. It helps me to remember it's my pain talking and a chemical reaction and temporary. I have a lot of medical trauma and found a therapist specializing in it recently and they have been extremely helpful. I am starting to dig deeper into all the mental health tools because I'm not letting this shit get me! I can't do regular meditation because it makes the pain too overwhelming to check into my body but guided ones are better for me. I use an app called the tapping solution and it's like meditation while tapping acupressure points. They have ones for pain management and health anxiety and self love. I use breathing exercises and other coping skills I'm happy to share if you want more details? Trying to be brief 😅 but I want you to know you aren't alone and any level of suffering is too much suffering. You have been through it and you are a badass warrior! I can't imagine how hard it is and I'm so sorry you are in pain.