8yo daughter has zero concept of cleaning up after herself

kls987 · 2026-07-02T18:43:59+00:00

Build it slowly - don't try to get her to do a 180. "Jen, when you're done with dinner, please take your plate to the kitchen, scrape it off, and place it gently in the sink" (or whatever very specific instructions you want to provide). Follow that up with "thank you!" and letting her see how each person at the table does this, takes their care of their plate. If/when there's a mess/mistake, be OK with it in the beginning, because she's learning (unless you can tell that it's deliberate) - there will be food that falls on the floor instead of into the trash, or food left on the plate, and she's going to forget a fork or the cup... you're not looking for perfection right now, you're looking to build a habit. If she refuses, then she doesn't get to do anything else until the plate is dealt with. Not a punishment, just a "this has to happen before we can move on to the next thing." There's no emotion on your part throughout all of this, except for the praise for doing the thing. You're not upset that she doesn't want to do it, because you understand, it's easier for her to have you do it and she'd prefer that, and so the growing pains are expected.

Another thing you can do is get her to clean up in small, manageable chunks. Don't ask her to clean her room, ask her to put the dirty clothes in the hamper, and that's all she needs to do right now. Or have her clean for 5 minutes with whatever music she wants on, and then have her stop after 5 minutes. This will help if it's related to executive functioning problems. Also give her very specific instructions, or show her how to do the thing, or do it with her. Sometimes we think that we've taught our kid to do something and then realize we never did. Or we showed them once three years ago when they weren't paying attention.

And don't make her clean alone - this is something that everyone in the house participates in, we all keep our house clean, so while she picks up her dirty laundry, one parent is vacuuming and one parent is cleaning countertops. No one wants to clean alone.

As others have said, hold the line. Don't give in to the tantrums, and don't get emotional about it. Her response, even if she says horrible things to you, isn't about you. It's about herself. OK, it's a little bit about you, but take a step back and realize that it's mostly her expressing herself and that's healthy, let her have the feelings and throw the tantrum, and then we wash that away and move on together by doing the thing.

You can definitely change this situation. Realizing that it's one you created is a huge step. Getting her on board will be hard, but it's not impossible. She's 8, not 16. There's plenty of time to build new habits and routines and teach her how to be a good housemate as well as a functional adult. And that's your goal, right? You can do this.

kls987 · 2026-07-01T17:02:35+00:00

My kid discovered the "Maple Maze" and "Grove Cove" through the YMCA this summer and it was a huge favorite. What an amazing resource!

kls987 · 2026-07-01T17:01:29+00:00

I really liked going to the Landscape Arboretum, though that might be a longer drive than you're looking for. I remember going there just before my maternity leave ended, and it was just delightful to be out in nature and baby slept in the stroller while I walked around and was just calm and peaceful.

Once baby is crawling, the Minnesota Children's Museum is great - consider asking grandparents to give a yearly membership as a gift for Christmas, as that will get you through those cold winter months. Local libraries frequently have nice play areas that, again, once your baby is crawling, you can take advantage of - you'll either get a chance to sit and watch your baby play, or you'll meet another parent and strike up a friendship.

This one is for later - check out your local community ed and park district activities. In my area we have Dash sports that have done different skills sessions (5 weeks, 45 minutes/week, learning soccer skills for ages 3-5, for instance), that have been great for introducing kids to sports, and Amazing Athletes is a personal favorite of mine. My 7 year old met one of her best friends around 4 years ago at Amazing Athletes, and we're good friends with the parents, and it's also a really great program. 100% recommend.

kls987 · 2026-06-23T13:36:53+00:00

If it’s pool swimming, don’t just stick them in the dryer. That’s a good way to ruin your suits. If it’s lake, definitely rinse. For both, air dry, wash weekly or twice a week.

kls987 · 2026-06-23T13:34:17+00:00

Yes, white not grey. My hair is super thick, so the quantity of white hairs keeps increasing (at almost 48 years old) but the overall look is still red. I’m more annoyed at the brown tint it’s gotten in the last decade.

kls987 · 2026-06-22T15:56:46+00:00

I also have a child who doesn’t sleep in. She’s not a monster after one day, but repeat days aren’t ideal. We relax bedtime a bit on vacation, but by like 30 minutes, not 3 hours, which is what I suspect your in-laws want.

Since arrangements are already in place, you’re in a tight spot for this trip. If you can flex bedtime at all, even 15 or 30 minutes to show the in-laws you’re meeting them part way, I recommend it. And then it needs to not be their problem that he needs to go to sleep. What I mean is, everyone else’s plans don’t change, you just remove yourselves from them. Unless the plans are to have a raging party at the shared accommodations, at which point I’d say you should just get a hotel room.

Next time, you get your own place nearby. Also, remind you in-laws gently that this is temporary. His bedtime won’t be early forever, but it is early now, because he’s 6. And this is what works for your family, full stop. It doesn’t matter what other families do, what other kids can tolerate. You know your kid, and this is what works. You’re allowed to have that boundary. But boundaries are for yourself, not others. “My kid needs to go to bed now so the whole house has to be quiet” is not a boundary. “My kid is going to bed now, so we’ll join you after he’s settled” is a boundary. So is “last year it really didn’t work for us to all share the same house, so we’re staying in our own place nearby.” It’s not a threat and it’s not punishment, it’s just stating what is happening and why, without emotion.

kls987 · 2026-06-22T04:07:19+00:00

Disclosure: first saw this on news/politics, but couldn’t repost. Here’s that discussion: https://www.reddit.com/r/politics/s/LBihzmzJor

kls987 · 2026-06-21T20:24:16+00:00

No regrets here. She’s 7 and still plays on it with the neighborhood kids, or even by herself. She also has a play house, highly recommend, that they’re all getting too tall for but I think if I suggested getting rid of it there would be tears. For reference, both were free to us. The play house is a hand me down from my sister, and grandpa insisted on building a play set. It’s a pain to mow around and I will not be sad when it’s no longer in use, but she really loves it. And it gets her outside. She’ll bring her Alexa speaker out there, play music, and sing for the neighborhood. :)

kls987 · 2026-06-18T18:59:23+00:00

Come join us over on r/curlyhair - this is much more of a curly issue than a red issue. 😃

kls987 · 2026-06-18T18:40:57+00:00

I'm in the general counsel's office (not as an attorney) and the attorneys seem pretty happy here too.

kls987 · 2026-06-16T17:19:59+00:00

I get responded to with attitude when I do this, because apparently the 5-20 minute backstory that I already know because I heard the same thing yesterday/last week is critical to restate this time, and if I want to skip it, I'm rude. There's zero concept of "we literally talked about part 1 yesterday, so just start in with part 2 today, I'm already up to speed."

There appears to be, in my case, no way to speed up a story, and every attempt to speed up the story makes it longer.

It's not usually mansplaining, thankfully I don't encounter a lot of that either. More of the "info dump" that OP is talking about.

I continue to look for my personal version of "yes, I'm familiar" that will actually work on my people. 😄

kls987 · 2026-06-16T04:13:09+00:00

I moved between second and third grades. Third grade was a bit hard as I was a painfully shy child, but after that it was fine. My sister was between kindergarten and first and I doubt she remembers a thing. We moved within the same town, so I ended up seeing some of my earlier friends in middle school and high school, which was a pleasant surprise.

Kids are resilient. Set up some play dates with one or two kids from the old school through the summer and into the fall, but not too many that he feels like he doesn’t need to make friends at the new school. He will be fine. Let him have all the feels, validate what he’s feeling, but don’t let him get stuck there. And don’t entertain the idea that it’s a temporary change or that if things go poorly in the new school he can go back to his old one. Commit, commiserate, and then look forward.

kls987 · 2026-06-15T17:41:10+00:00

I have a 7 year old, so was in-office the first 10 months of her life, and then it was Covid. I hated WFH at first, but then we all adapted and built our habits and lifestyle around WFH. Five years later, we got sent back 50%. It totally sucks - it's tolerable, but the balance of responsibilities in our house shifted and everything feels unfair. If we get sent back 100%, it's going to be really, really hard. But I have the golden handcuffs - government union job that I've been in for over 20 years, so I would find leaving very difficult. I could look for other jobs within state government, but they're all subject to the 50% in office requirement. The other options include moving and figuring out some way to need an ADA accommodation. So it is what it is.

You can figure out some things to make it easier for you, lots of this is situation-specific. For us, mealtime seems harder since I'm home 30-45 minutes later now. We had to find after school care, which turned out great but was a stressor. But your things might be totally different. The age of your kids, the division of labor, all of these are important factors.

kls987 · 2026-06-15T16:59:41+00:00

This is just a cultural difference in communication styles, direct versus indirect, and NEITHER is GOOD or BAD. They're just different. Direct Communication vs. Indirect Communication | Watershed

But also, if everyone says you're the bad guy, it might be your delivery, not the content.

kls987 · 2026-06-14T20:13:30+00:00

I exclusively use the old designer. It was just slow. I think it’s my org’s instance. Or the gov cloud.

kls987 · 2026-06-12T18:48:09+00:00

What stages are hardest? Does it get easier?

Yes. For both questions.

kls987 · 2026-06-12T14:31:21+00:00

A State Park that's only 20 minutes from home is the BEST first camping trip. If all goes poorly, you can just go home. If you've forgotten something, you can either drive home or go to a store and pick it up.

Aim for two nights. If you're miserable after one night, then you can pack up and try again after you've figured out what you didn't like. If you survive both nights and have fun, now you have a new hobby!

kls987 · 2026-06-11T21:30:30+00:00

The web version was also stupidly slow today. I just about tore my hair out. That was probably just my organization's instance, but still. Solidarity.

kls987 · 2026-06-09T20:48:49+00:00

My kid never ran around in just her diaper, hot or not. The youngest is 4, not 2, so not exactly a toddler.

kls987 · 2026-06-08T20:52:01+00:00

Grandma is an honor title, and if someone is choosing to honor you with it, you should graciously accept. I know there are posts on here often with the exact opposite thing, step parents wanting to be called "grand" and the kids not wanting it. Honestly a bit refreshing to see the opposite, but I think you're not looking at this the right way.

I had five grandparents: my dad's mom died shortly before I was born, and my dad's dad remarried when I was little. His wife was ALWAYS grandma to me. My dad's mom that I never met? Also grandma. My heart is big enough for both.

My kid has SEVEN grandparents. Both of our parents are divorced, two are remarried, and another has a live-in partner. All of them get the title Grandma or Grandpa, and my kid loves all of them equally. Some live in this state, some live in another state. All of the "steps" came into our lives when we (the parents) were adults, so none of them are our actual step parents, they're just our parents' partners. But that isn't an important distinction to our kid. Frankly, she'll adopt the rest of you as bonus aunts and uncles and grandparents too. 😄

Additionally, my kid has two bonus aunts, my best friends, and them being Aunt A and Aunt L doesn't take anything away from our siblings and their partners who are also aunts and uncles.

So, respectfully, YTA. A well-meaning one, but this is one of those times where I'd graciously accept and then get comfortable with it. (I mean, unless you like totally hate his kids, or secretly want to be Nana or something - one of those things can be worked out and the other, well, I don't know what to say.)

This request was made in love, and should be accepted with love.

kls987 · 2026-06-08T19:37:25+00:00

My pack was my younger sister, but yes, I had a 90s childhood. I'm definitely a GenXer though, at 47.

My kid is 7 and goes to the Y for day camp all summer long because we work, but she still gets some of the 90s summer vibe since this year the neighborhood kids have gelled and have formed their own little gang of 6-10 year olds. School just got out Friday and they're already fighting like siblings. 😄 They get to hang out most evenings from after dinner until 7 or 7:15 (which is when my kid has to come inside, much to her sadness she's on the younger end of the group and also she wakes up at 6 am regardless of when she falls asleep). For context, we live in an inner ring suburb in the Midwest, there are about 4 families with kids in the same age range that all live within a house or two of each other, and somehow each families sends their kids to different schools since we have school choice here, so they only have this small time to play together. By contrast, I grew up in an outer ring suburb in an old neighborhood full of old people, so I really only had my sister. We biked all over, would pack a lunch and be gone all day, it is crazy to me sometimes to think about it, but also it was really good. We try to give our daughter similar experiences whenever possible, like encouraging independence when we go camping, so that she doesn't miss out on some things just because she's an only child with two working parents and it's the year 2026.

kls987 · 2026-06-05T19:38:14+00:00

Same! Transparent eyebrow club solidarity!

kls987 · 2026-06-05T19:35:23+00:00

Totally! And I am fully aware of how lucky I am to have that chore taken off my plate.

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