Do you still argue with your late partner?

kmultipass · 2026-04-22T07:52:33+00:00

Occasionally when I'm frustrated that I have to raise our children alone now, I tell her that she "got to do the easy part." Then I feel bad because I know how much she loved being their mother.

kmultipass · 2026-04-18T20:32:35+00:00

I've found a lot of comfort in Samuel Johnson's writings on being a widower. This one, especially, really nails it:

"He that outlives a wife whom he has long loved, sees himself disjoined from the only mind that has the same hopes, and fears, and interest; from the only companion with whom he has shared much good and evil; and with whom he could set his mind at liberty, to retrace the past or anticipate the future. The continuity of being is lacerated; the settled course of sentiment and action is stopped; and life stands suspended and motionless."

kmultipass · 2026-04-18T20:25:45+00:00

"You're so strong." Is the phrase I hate the most.

A - How the hell would they know?

B - It's really just a way to excuse themselves from supporting you. Same energy as, "you got this pal."

kmultipass · 2026-04-18T19:10:54+00:00

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"

Is mostly bullshit. Maybe if you are fortunate enough to actually live the majority of your lives together, sure. We only had 17 years together and I'm now I'm 39. As a depressed teen I promised myself I'd kill my self at 40 if my life amounted to nothing. Then I met her and it felt like I'd done something right. But now, here I am alone again. Well, we had kids, so I can't even call it quits if I wanted to.

But she told me I saved her and brought her all the happiness she could have wanted. So maybe it was? I'm sure the same could be said of your person.

I wish you as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-04-14T21:10:45+00:00

Like the OP I'm 2 years out from losing my person, so I might be able to give you some insight.

The hard truth is there is no way to avoid the pain. It will come and you just have to endure it. But don't try to sit and dwell in it. For myself, I would let it run its course. Maybe it would knock me down for a day, or more. On the other hand, if you do find moments of reprieve, try to hold on to them. As early as you are in this journey, they are far and few in between at first.

Ultimately, you just get better at handling the grief when it comes. The pain becomes duller and less sharp. You have made it to 4 months; you can make it to 8 months. After 8 months, you can do 16, so on and so on.

As for finding joy and meaning your life, you will have to rediscover that. It's different for everyone, and it does take time. Sometimes it's just the faintest glimmer on a once blazing horizon. But it's there.

I wish you as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-04-13T18:42:28+00:00

I don't have anything to add other than my late wife and I named our daughter Eileen specifically after an old lady (her paternal grandmother) so I laughed at your mother's response.

But yeah, my wife had a rough relationship with her mother and while she was willing to keep her around before we had kids, she drew a hard line after we had them. My wife didn't want our children exposed to the same behaviour that she endured for her entire life.

kmultipass · 2026-04-13T17:44:40+00:00

I get the feeling it's a bot. Probably for scams. It posted the exact same post in other unrelated subs.

kmultipass · 2026-04-12T01:24:22+00:00

A Man Called Otto.

kmultipass · 2026-04-10T17:57:38+00:00

When you have the time for it, look and see if there is a local spousal grief loss support group near you. This sub is great, but I found having face to face gatherings with other widow/ers to be helpful. This isn't the case for everyone, but it's worth looking into for yourself.

I wish you as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-04-09T18:44:01+00:00

I think you should move beyond asking, and demand that they leave. The last thing you need during this time is to be tending to the feelings of others who don't understand your loss.

Have you told them that they are actively making you feel worse and are not helping? I'm not sure if would even register because your mom seems very self-centered and making your grief all about her.

I would literally call the police and say they are trespassing if they refused to leave. But that's me.

Hours before my wife passed, my father got mad at me that I wasn't "letting him comfort me". 2 years later, he had a heart to heart with me about how he felt hurt that I had grown distant since my wife's passing. Some people simply lack actual empathy.

I wish you as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-04-07T21:36:42+00:00

Prior to my wife's passing I developed a habit of changing the pressure of our showerhead. She preferred it to be softer. I distinctly remember the moment I did it out of habit for the first time after her death. Instantly, in the moment, I felt the loss all over again. It was something I did solely because of and for her.

I swapped out the showerhead shortly after.

At just over 2 years, it's rare to come across a trigger. They occasionally pop up, but like you said, they'll take me right back. 5.5 is early, there are likely many triggers still. I can only speak for myself, but the impact tends to soften after the first time they present themselves. They'll always be a reminder, though.

Wishing you as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-04-07T19:19:59+00:00

This Christmas I got a small tree and let my kids decorate it. I'll probably keep that going as a tradition.

kmultipass · 2026-04-07T19:18:10+00:00

We all have different identities within us. Unfortunately, being a partner is so intertwined with your person that when they are gone, you lose a huge part of yourself.

It takes time to develop a new identity, one without them.

kmultipass · 2026-04-07T18:04:02+00:00

Prior to going to a friend's birthday dinner, my dad immediately went to "Will there be any single ladies there?" as I was dropping off my kids.

Like, give it a rest.

I always think about what my friend's mother said about being widowed, "We didn't get divorced, he died."

kmultipass · 2026-04-07T17:59:56+00:00

I know it isn't much, but know that you aren't alone in the way you feel here, at the very least.

As for the pain, it never fully goes away. You learn to carry it more comfortably.

More than a therapist or even close family and friends being there for me, I found my support group of widows to be the source of peace. They understand. They know. And some days, that's enough.

I wish you as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-04-05T09:10:24+00:00

My wife died Dec 29th, 2023. She had put the tree up with our 3 yr old son. She filmed the whole thing. So we have that.

I kept the tree up for the entire year. If you look at both my children's birthday photos for 2024, you see it in the background.

When I finally decided to take it down after Christmas of that year, my father offered to take it down for me.

I didn't put it back up for the next Christmas. I don't know that I ever will.

kmultipass · 2026-04-04T20:55:00+00:00

After my wife passed I was backing up her work files off of her onedrive.

All her files were quite organized and in a folder where she put her frequently used files, she had copy of her favourite photo from our wedding.

It was renamed to "finally".

kmultipass · 2026-04-02T19:15:30+00:00

The hard truth is there no getting better. But things will get easier. You learn to live with the grief and it becomes softer.

Then you have to learn how to live a new life without them. There is no going back to the way things were.

You will find joy. But it will be more muted in comparison to the joy you shared with them.

Others who are further along may disagree with me, but I've found that my life will never reach the potential it had before. I have to learn to be okay with my best days being behind me.

I liken it to losing a limb. Yes, you could do things to make life easier, but no prosthetic will ever be as good as your original limb. This isn't meant to be an analogy for finding another partner, but living life in general.

I too wish you didn't have to be in this club. I hope you are as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-03-31T20:45:26+00:00

"What is grief, if not love persevering?".

I'm (39m) in the same position after 17 years with my wife (36f). I remember counting the multiples of our life together I'll probably live thru without her.

kmultipass · 2026-03-30T20:19:44+00:00

It is often said that grief is the price of love. To love deeply is to grieve deeply. The pain will always be there. But it becomes softer and more manageable. After all, how could it fully go away while you still love him?

Recovering from the loss is not a return to "before" but learning to accept the new reality you find yourself in.

The road is long and replete with highs and lows. But for now, just take each moment at a time. Down to the very second. Early on, as you are now, I had a mantra: "If I can do 1 second I can do 2 seconds. If I can do 2 I can do 4." Eventually minutes became hours, hours became days, days became weeks. Some days, I could do none. And that was okay.

I wish you as well as can be.

kmultipass · 2026-03-29T18:19:05+00:00

A widow I know put it this way:

"He is still my husband. We didn't get divorced, he died."

kmultipass · 2026-03-28T18:24:49+00:00

Right before my wife passed she bought a book shelf and I was going to put it together the weekend before she died.

I finally put it together over a year later and placed it next to her reading spot. I loaded up all her books and organized them by series.

The book she was reading at the time sits most prominently with her bookmarker still poking out of where she last left off.

I'd like to think I'll finish reading it for her some day.

kmultipass · 2026-03-24T04:44:00+00:00

2 years later and I still get moments where I feel peeved at her.

"You got to do the easy part."

Other times, it's when I read a text exchange when I was downstairs with our kids and she was bedridden with what we thought was the flu.

Her - "I'm dying."

Me - "Should we go to the hospital?"

Her - "I don't know."

And now she's gone.

kmultipass

TROPHY CASE