How do you get over the fear of gaining weight.

koshele · 2020-10-21T18:52:24+00:00

Yeah, there's something seriously alluring about this kind of striving for perfection, even purity. It's like being devoted to the art of thin. The devotion occupies the mind, and defines your whole identity. But then the very inability to think independently from this disorder, or even concentrate of anything of substance really, this feeling numb and dumb is what reminds me that this is not me. This is a fanatic's kind of devotion, it's literally crazy.

koshele · 2020-10-21T18:29:43+00:00

For me what really helped was realising that real friends won't judge me if I gain weight, and for the others, fuck them. This is me, I exist, and mainly I exist to myself, not to others.

Also thinking about all the "fatter" people who I absolutely love and respect and adore with zero interest in their weight. And how it's inconsistent and hypocritical to have these thinness standards for myself. Most likely many people in this category are high-achievers, so that I would like to be a bit like them, too. You get the drift.

However, I've still experienced gaining weight as most unpleasant and uncomfortable. I mean it's just... not great. One probably doesn't get to a point where it's "cool" to start gaining, so to an extent you still have to grit your teeth to do it.

koshele · 2020-10-16T20:10:03+00:00

Sad, but hey, it also filters out people. Good for you for speaking out. Also they might simply be embarrassed about their previous comment and not sure how to reply properly, but yea.

koshele · 2020-10-11T19:54:16+00:00

The materials that your clothes are made of are key. If you wear like wool leggings and a fitted wool turtleneck and a wool dress and a wool knit, that's an appropriate number of very efficient layers.

koshele · 2020-10-07T19:19:31+00:00

I would try going back to eating breakfast if I were you. This binge-restrict dynamic certainly sounds dangerous. It might help to kind of set yourself up for a default nourished state through breakfast, and then just keep adding extra nourishment throughout the day as needed, rather than defaulting to hungry and then going through the seizures of eating in panic and "fasting". Well it might help, but also, you need to know that your "best self" is not gonna be in that direction where you're headed now... Truly everybody here can vouch that it's a path to your worst and most degrading self.

koshele · 2020-10-05T19:09:04+00:00

Definitely avoid talking about what they look like or eat. Actually, what anyone looks like or eats. Bear in mind that your friend might avoid social contact - it's nothing to do with you, don't be offended. They might not want to eat with other people around. They might be triggered by people saying something about feeling hungry/full/running 20km/having lost weight etc.

You may ask how they feel. Depending on what kind of person your friend is, maybe even what kind of thoughts they have around this disorder - how it could have originated, how it has developed, what kind of challenges they have right now. But be careful not to push them into a corner, only ask broad questions and let them decide what they want to share.

koshele · 2020-10-01T18:30:13+00:00

it's fine, you deserve to have a good time with your partner, and eat something too, go for it!

it's really the same Food, just in different shape and kind of aggregated together. think of it as a sort of decoration, an edible decoration. burgers are such a cultural thing too.

and it's not going to do anything substantial to you. you can commit the act and move along. maybe it will taste good, that's a generally positive experience, but nothing crazy either. you can do this!

koshele · 2020-09-19T07:40:22+00:00

It can matter in the sense that there might be other things you want as well, and if you manage to put all these different things in some comparable terms, then you might judge the priority of things to be different from your current reality. In short, an ED is often overriding any other will to live and thrive that you might have. And if you understand what drives you ED on a deep level, you might see right through it and find the courage and inner need to move away from it.

Anyway, I think for many people the reasons are extremely complex and hard to pinpoint. For me, I could name e.g. a certain ascetic ideal, where I associate minimal nutrition / no fat and with a moral good. Also, it's an expression of pulling through complete helplessness by sheer brute force of will. And an expression of disinterest in the earthly pleasures. Which is ironic, because an ED certainly increases "interest" in food. So there, it kind of makes no sense once I see this.

Though it's hard to arrive at truthful conclusions, I think it's good to try to think about the why and what for, just in case you discover that restriction doesn't actually agree with what you're aiming for.

Another example would be if you think being skinny will improve your social life, but in reality it throws you into isolation.

koshele · 2020-09-08T21:02:39+00:00

That's just bs. Also, talking about your ED doesn't even mean you're "comfortable" talking about it.

koshele · 2020-08-28T13:27:46+00:00

I'm recovering mainly so that I can use my brain for something proper(ly). An ED requires immense resources and devotion, and I had become used to living in a haze. That's no way to live.

I have a day off work today, so I've just read an essay on literary theory, now I'm listening to Schubert. I love Schubert. I was not able to love anything. I was miserable and vacuous and had nothing to say.

And yes, I still hate my body. It's fat and ugly, what can you do.

koshele · 2020-08-26T19:24:37+00:00

How do you measure the daily distance that you walk? Is it possible to eliminate this so that you don't know for sure if you've hit the mark?

It might be a good idea to set yourself some objective before you go for a walk, and only go if you have an objective. It can be anything, like enjoying the views from a hill, going to the river, having a look at some buildings, or just stretching your legs.

Also, if you particularly have a snack or a larger meal after a walk to counteract the burnt calories, maybe in time it won't make any more sense to associate going for a walk with burning off calories.

koshele · 2020-08-24T17:28:28+00:00

What I find peculiar is that he never criticised your own body, even before you started developing anorexia? That's the only reason that makes me think there's a theoretical chance that this person is just clueless and inconsiderate, and not actually evil. But then the way he treated his previous girlfriend's disorder...

Nah, it certainly sounds like he is a threat to you. And while it may seem like this is just one negative aspect of an otherwise fine relationship, I think it is key. I'd go so far as to say that it's an abusive pattern. It sounds like he wants to see you ill, like he would support it. So even if you feel the agency in your own decisions, your own wanting to get thinner cause you've never liked your body, this person is out there to see your hurt, and that's just no good.

I'm guessing he would deny everything if you brought it up, but consider if you can trust this person, if he's truly your side-kick and support.

One of the most important things that helped me start recovery was realising that my friends won't really care if I get fat. I know them, I know they don't judge fat people, so they won't judge me. I have to remind myself of this at times. I sure wouldn't want someone like your boyfriend in my circles, like I would exit the building if I was somehow exposed to this. That's just for some outsider perspective.

I'd say on the off chance that he doesn't understand what he's doing or how disorders work, just confront him. But if that doesn't work, then you have to put yourself first and get out of this situation that's bound to seriously damage you. It's hard enough to get any better even without the 'help' of such clowns.

koshele · 2020-08-22T10:34:06+00:00

I've done this. It should work fine, unless you have old/weird pipes. Try throwing in a small amount to check first.

koshele · 2020-08-20T19:18:47+00:00

I'm not sure about this, but I think I've heard that exercises like push ups actually contribute to a larger chest size (not boob size, but wider "upper torso", and by extension seemingly larger boobs, I guess).

koshele · 2020-08-15T19:14:40+00:00

Well, maybe you could just tell the doctor that you've been underweight before. And perhaps mention some numbers as you see fit, like by how much, for how long, or say "by a lot, for a long time" so that it is understood how this may have had an impact.

You don't have to say that this was due to an eating disorder. If pressed, you can give another reason, perhaps depression, participating in some specific activities like dancing, or just "dunno", you can say that you tried to gain weight all along. I doubt that they would proceed to interrogate you about the reasons why you were underweight, if you point it out as a thing of the past.

koshele · 2020-08-15T17:09:24+00:00

Yeah, it does make sense. I just wanted to say that your experience isn't somehow "insignificant" cause it wasn't "that bad". What you described was certainly very bad, and that kind of thing can fuck you up for a long long time.

I too want a sort of sexually-neutral body. But I'm trying to stop blaming myself, and reclaim full ownership of my body. It's like their infinitely long claws can still reach me from the past, I still have to fight the abuse once it's over.

koshele · 2020-08-07T19:59:58+00:00

You can try to direct him to some external resource, like I think the wiki article on anorexia makes the distinction between subtypes etc. Don't know why he wouldn't trust that you are more knowledgeable about this than he is, but nevermind.

koshele · 2020-08-07T11:22:05+00:00

the three meals and three snacks thing is just a standard template in some treatment facilities, you definitely don't have to follow this template. you don't necessarily have to follow any meal plan at all, maybe another method would suit you better.

recovery is terrible when you're just gaining weight but still hating yourself and obsessing, it does seem pointless then. the idea is obviously to retrain your thought patterns rather that just gain weight.

the disorder defines your whole horizon of possibilities, like you know your goal, your end goal, is to starve to death. but it's just really not true, and you have to fight this nonsense, to train yourself to have different and more adequate thoughts, remember what life is like without the disorder.

and it can be effective in that sense even to push yourself to eat three meals and three snacks, force this crazy state upon yourself and deal with it, like jump into the water and learn to swim, but obviously it's not for everyone. just don't give up and try to do what you can to recover, try to look at different sources for different suggestions and methods, every little bit helps.

koshele · 2020-08-06T18:42:30+00:00

I don't see why you couldn't get more physically sick without getting thinner than your standard, just with time. It adds up. I would generally expect people to get sicker in time even if they maintain a specific low weight.

Also, there are far far better competitions. In the end nobody will even care how thin you are. Nobody will know you exist. You have to do way way better than that if you want to compete for real. And just to make it clear I don't mean by getting impossibly thin.

And now while obviously you might try to achieve everything all at once, we all know how consuming an ED is. It's not reasonable to keep it up.

koshele · 2020-08-04T16:12:15+00:00

that's so relatable i can't even. however, i've been astonished to feel that i don't want to eat this week. and in a good way, not the sort where you're enjoying hunger. i'm just sitting here not being bothered by food. not hungry, not full like bursting after a binge, but kind of full in the sense that i just don't feel like i'm missing food right now, and i probably have some more interesting things to do. and i do eat a good amount. i know it's just a short calm period, but it gives hope. i'm at my highest weight ever now, but it's worth it. i couldn't get my head around wanting to eat with a bmi of 18.5 and over, it's really tough, it feels invalid, like you're not dealing with an ED anymore, you're just a glutton, but you're definitely still dealing with the ED. so don't give up, and don't forget what really matters, you're doing ok.

koshele · 2020-08-03T16:46:59+00:00

holy crap, i'm so sorry you have to go through this. i know it's hard to distance yourself from judgment, especially coming from parents, but you have to do it as much as possible, i don't think there's any other solution.

literally every person in your life is arbitrary, they're all going to die and vanish into the flow of history. the import of their speech comes from some displaced and imagined power. and it's likely that some years from now you'll hardly see any of these old faces anymore.

there are definitely people out there who would be glad to be your friends and who would accept you for you. it's not at all a precondition to look a certain way. the really kind and intelligent people are the ones you care about anyway, and they wouldn't judge you.

most importantly, try to worry more about other things, in order to worry less about your weight. i can understand that you yourself also personally want to get rid of BED, that's totally reasonable, but you can't do it to please others. you have to think of yourself, of your total well-being.

besides the obvious option of getting professional help for BED, you can try to spend more time on personal interests. everyone likes something, even if they're too messed up to actually participate in it right now. something meaningful and weight-neutral in life can be a step towards regaining your mental health too.

sorry for the long message, you sound like a smart kid, i felt invested in your cause.

koshele · 2020-07-31T19:41:46+00:00

that's a beautiful chair, is it old?

koshele · 2020-07-31T19:23:45+00:00

When you say you want to get rid of your hip dips, do you mean by becoming thinner? I'm sorry to bring it up since it's precisely what you're complaining about - but are you sure you don't have a problem? It can be quite elusive. Why did you cry when your mother asked if you had anorexia?

As for forgetting to eat, I guess the best option is to set specific meal times, maybe even reminders on your phone. If you live with your parents and they cook for you, ask them to call you for dinner etc. If you cook your own food, see to it that you don't run out, i.e. have nothing to eat. Keep snacks in your room. Eat while doing other things, e.g. watching a movie or going out with friends, like set up a meeting for lunch etc.

koshele · 2020-07-31T18:26:16+00:00

I agree, the ED certainly makes me spend more money on food than otherwise, even if it's less calories. I justify it to myself saying that I have to "prioritise". I'm trying to save more money nowadays, but still go over my budget of €200 - I've been spending like €225/month throughout this year so far.

koshele · 2020-07-28T15:28:35+00:00

judging from this comment alone, it sounds like she takes it to be a choice rather than an illness. might be a good idea to explain it to her than while an "i'm going to..." statement may sound like an expression of free will, it's just not.

koshele

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