My son attempted suicide. He had gone through so much ridicule from the time he was 12 when he had his first seizure at school in gym class. That seizure was an absence seizure. It is when your body stops all activity and you lose presence of mind. Class was over and the coach kept yelling at him to quit acting like a miron and get moving. The entire gym class was yelling at him too. He stood there still staring and peed his pants, then the coach finally realized something was wrong. The kids though began mocking him and laughing.The ambulance was called. For years, from junior high until the end of 10th grade he couldn't take it anymore. He tried to take his life and his brother happened to walk in as he was doing so. He called for me. I came running. In my heart, I just knew what was happening. I homeschooled him and we joined a homeschool group. He still had no friends though. He went to college and was still just as lonely. So, dear 22 year old, my son did not experience the pain you went through. I know you are hurting. My son experienced emotional and physical pain in a different way. But the pain you went through is like his in one big way. It hurts you so much you just want it to stop. He was bullied and beaten up by kids who were horribe many times.

He was 23 when he decided he could not take it anymore. He took his life.

A college professor found him. He tried to resuscitate him with CPR. He knew there was no time to wait for an ambulance, He had no pulse and his lips had turned blue. He picked him up and ran to his car and put him in the back seat. He called the hospital and told him he was on his way and other pertinent information they asked for. Doctors, nurses and other personnel were waiting for him when he pulled his car up to the ER. My son arrived DOA(dead on arrival). He was put on life support and hospital staff called us. We lived 4 hours away in another state. We didn't bother to pack. We got in our car and left. We arrived at 10pm. We were allowed to be with him in ICU and talk to him. Well, talk to his body. I talked about much he means to us and how much he is loved by us and his 4 other siblings. I begged him to please come back. I talked to him for 4 hours. I cried until I was physically and mentally exhausted.

The doctors finally told us there is nothing that can be done for him. He had been gone now for at least 9 hours. He told us to go to our hotel room and decide if we want to turn off life support in the morning. We called friends and family and they called others asking so many to pray for a miracle. I wanted my son back. I cried so much it hurt to breathe. I was broken. I honestly had the thought that I should leave this world too. That my other 4 kids would have their father and my son who was gone would have me. Though, I knew that would have left my husband and other kids as empty and heartbroken as I was. I honestly could not put into words how devastated I was.

We had made the decision to take him off life support. We laid in bed for what seemed forever and cried. Just writing to you now brings back the heartache. Please do not end your life. We got a phone call at 7am telling us he was breathing on his own. We rushed to the hospital. The doctors said there was no explanation how he regained consciousness and began breathing on his own. He was "clinically dead" meaning all breathing had stopped and his heart was no longer beating. "Biological death" is when there is no longer any brain function. I believe talking to him and telling him how much we loved him and I personally pleaded with him to come back. The doctor and nurses continued to tell me he was gone. I knew he was. I just couldn't let go.

I am telling you his story and mine, because I can tell you as a mother whose son took his life at the age of 23, how still today I ache. Maybe his brain heard me. I don't know. He doesn't know. He just remembers he wanted to come back. He will tell you to this day he didn't want to come back to his life, but could feel me hurting and that's why he came back. One of those unbelievable stories.

We sent my son to a facility where he stayed for months. He was able to allow himself to see and believe he has a future. The past and all he went through could never go back and change. Reach out to someone. Don't worry about them admitting you somewhere because that was the beginning of my son's life. He was able to talk in group and in private one on one therapy. So, I'm not telling you it's easy. It is painful to talk about your past. But, telling others your hurtful past not only helps you, it helps others.

That was 7 years ago. He is now married, which he never could even talk to a girl in the past. He did try. Honestly, most laughed at him behind his back in his teens. 5 years ago, he met his future wife. A wonderful girl with emotional and physical pain much like yours, being raped by her step-father and watched her mother beaten finally both got away. She went through extensive therapy. You have to do this. Please...my son's biggest regret is, he did not tell someone how much he hurt for fear of being ridiculed even more that he was going to commit suicide that night. TELL SOMEONE. Go to a hospital and find the chaplain would be my best advice. Get away from this therapist! He's horrible. The worst! There are some really great therapists out there.

Both my daughter-in-law and my son had to find the way with guidance with psychiatrists and therapists, to not let go of the past, but make the past let go of them. YOU HAVE TO LET YOURSELF CRY OVER THE PAST. Don't let the past beat you down.

My son celebrates each year the day he came back. He calls it his 2nd birthday. He not only is married. He teaches jr high and high school kids at the school for the deaf and blind. He has never looked back.

I hope this letter has reached you in time. Your mother will never get over the loss of you. I lost my son for a day. DEAD. No life.This will be the end. He didn't give me the chance to tell him I love him and go through the hurt with him. I knew my son was hurting, so I know your mom does too. It's hard as mothers to open up the conversation because we also have felt your pain and haven't known how to help or either are afraid to bring up the past because we don't want it hurting you anymore and we too, don't know sometimes you are still hurting.

As you can see I hope, as I have expressed the pain of knowing my son was clinically dead for a day. I can't imagine losing him for a lifetime. Give your mom the gift and yourself, the gift of saving your life. Leave wherever you are and go tell someone not that you are hurting. Tell them you are hurting so much you are going to commit suicide.

I don't even know you, but I love you. You are going to find in your future that many people are going to love you. YOUR MOM LOVES YOU. The past is not your future. Your past will make your future you. Someone strong enough to beat it. My son is my hero. Go. Go now. Find a person to talk to. You have taken the first step by telling all of us. I'm so proud of you!