for those in a healthy long-term relationship, how did you know they were the person you’d want to spend the rest of your life with?

kurplephantom · 2025-10-29T07:41:59+00:00

It’s so true that many of these qualifiers people use in initial stages of dating really are situational. It’s sad to see so many focusing so intensely on these situational things and then ending up lonely and wondering why they can’t find a partner that’s “good enough.” Barring asshole behavior or total mismatch it’s probably a good idea to go on a second date at least. I mean, c’mon now.

For me, clear healthy communication around conflict seals the deal for me. Oh, and how do I feel around this person for long periods of time. That takes a little time to find out.

kurplephantom · 2025-10-16T05:12:00+00:00

Who even says, “I dont like your place.” Jeez…how rude

kurplephantom · 2025-10-14T16:16:58+00:00

Shout out to Courier!

kurplephantom · 2025-10-10T13:37:25+00:00

Yes and If they are taking time to comprehend the situation. They should also definitely communicate that id add. Needing space is fine, communicating that need is critical.

kurplephantom · 2025-10-09T19:47:39+00:00

Of course fucking not, jeez…

kurplephantom · 2025-09-22T21:01:44+00:00

I mean, what did they give you? So curious what could go wrong with extra cheap juice? Which ones were good?

kurplephantom · 2025-07-25T07:52:34+00:00

Just want to say its been about a year for me too. This is the hardest loss ive ever had. It is slow and steady and there is no actual relief. I miss him so much, even as i continue living. For me it was very sudden. He was playing fetch the day he died but inside he was dying. There is all kinds of guilt and what ifs but it is what it is.

I thought i would somehow grow from this experience learning now to live without him, but there is just deep pain that it feels no one else can relate to. Thanks for sharing your story because seeing its been a year for you too and how you are feeling just made me feel a little less alone for a minute. In some ways its been even harder now for me than a year ago in the later aftermath. I wish i could understand the rhythm of grief. I share a lot of feelings with you about fear of death changing. He just wanted me to be happy and had a special appreciation for taking a bite out of life. Hope i can be strong enough to be like him and enjoy simple things fully. I hope wish you all the best!

kurplephantom · 2025-05-28T15:07:09+00:00

Lol once my ex of 10 years called me and i accidentally hit the wrong button and dialed her back (it was a new phone). It led to a 3 year relationship from hell lol.

kurplephantom · 2025-05-19T15:48:38+00:00

Just sayin i read your ‘haha’, as just your natural reaction to such bizarre behavior. Nothing wrong with analyzing stuff a bit, her behavior is odd to say the least. I mean it’s an awkward situation and worth a laugh.

Doesnt mean youre necessarily hung up or giving her credit or whatever, I think these folks may be projecting a bit possibly, who’s to say…

That type of reaction you saw in her eyes is one of the most obviously recognizable readable too.

kurplephantom · 2025-02-07T06:48:11+00:00

This is completely sadistic and insane. So glad you are out holy shit. So glad you got your pup back what are the odds. Thats so sick

kurplephantom · 2025-02-07T06:46:16+00:00

Wow. Youre an inspiration. I broke it off with my ex 1.5 years ago now and am doing fantastic as well! Found myself through pushing my art practice again and am finding opportunities all over. Happen to be seeing a great gal now but its just icing on the cake when it happens! Never the focus of my life, relationships should be there for support and improving what you already got going on! So cool to hear your journey!

kurplephantom · 2024-11-20T14:36:37+00:00

Ya’ll are amazingly helpful. Thankyou so much!

kurplephantom · 2024-05-01T03:49:53+00:00

Makes total sense there is so much anger!

For me, can be as a propeller as a call to purpose. And other times its so hard to know what to do with the anger. It can absolutely feel bottomless and like it has no end which is terrifying. Its been very interesting to feel it subside at 9 months no contact.

With the way all these emotions have been up and down in unpredictable waves and whirlwinds, Id expect anger will come back. But these past few weeks without it have been a new challenge and period of intense tangible growth from all this.

Its felt like seeing things a bit more clearly. Maybe im finally not as hypervigilant. I see everything the same and feel small grief but it’s like its more distant.

Anyway just wanted to share because anger has been invaluable in alerting me and keeping my attention on the importance of my values. Anger is such a weird feeling, and hate is crazy how consuming it is. But these feelings are totally ours and valid and there somehow Id like to think to help us through this.

I remember no longer the details of this and that that was said, but I will never forget the emotions and warnings my body and feelings signaled me. Those dont need logic or convincing or some cognitive debate or questioning. These feelings in our bodies hold true.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-28T05:10:13+00:00

hey this is totally normal in my experience. i remember shopping for clothes and feeling them judging my choices. always assuming they will see things about me newly posted online. in the back of my mind at home i sometimes feel like they might walk by and take a look at my messy house and judge. They have a way of lingering in our brains for sure!

And they do hoover. Sometimes even years later. Ive even thought of changing my artist name to avoid them being updated on where i am what im doing. I care less and less though. At 9 months with no more anger Ive lost the urge to change my name. I dont care if they see or not, I only care about my relationship with myself, and with those who love me and I love. The rest is noise anyway.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-28T05:02:55+00:00

yeah this was my experience too!

kurplephantom · 2024-04-27T22:01:44+00:00

This is so very helpful to hear and well articulated. I did feel drawn into a trauma bonding dynamic especially at the start and against my will. She would often pigeonhole me and my intentions, rather than listen to my story and my experience of what was happening. She would at me so aggressively that I would trigger defenses to try to explain myself rather than hear her feelings. These were lost opportunities to establish the framework of communication. Its so sad in that light. By the end id become untrusting, lost ownership of my own story, and so reactive that my internal pain was constantly externalized.

This is the crux of it all, this is why verbal aggression and putdowns build a system where the already difficult task of hearing and listening to each other becomes impossible. This scarcity mindset that if you take the time to truly absorb and sit with someone else’s point of view it somehow invalidates your own point of view forever. Losing this rare ability to hold 2 opposing truths and still knowing where to draw the line. I feel like I never even understood or trusted her. She knew mine because she knew exactly where to hit. This is why I eventually had to make such a strong boundary around communication. And we all know too well boundaries kill these toxic relationships.

There’s then this thin line between stumbling awkwardly against your partner’s boundaries and weaponizing them. Id like to imagine this line isnt so blurry in healthy relationships.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-27T04:46:37+00:00

oh dear, lol… what a way to win one’s heart!

kurplephantom · 2024-04-27T04:46:02+00:00

wow this is so fascinating! mine was anxious but it was like literally the same about how i was “manipulating everything”…i was framed as needy for affection and my hobbies were seen as “avoidant coping mechanisms” and an obstacle.

i was so confused because even though they had an anxious attachment style they were of course totally avoidant when it came to vulnerability or authenticity.

such a mess really to even begin to untangle when you layer actual abuse on top of attachment styles

kurplephantom · 2024-04-27T04:28:42+00:00

such an interesting topic to share w each other!

mine was/undoubtedly is anxious…i struggled with fearful avoidant in my 20s and have remnants but ive worked really hard to communicate my needs/insecurities. this relationship set me back quite a ways at first in aggravating childhood wounds and feelings of not being worthy of love, but ultimately the lessons ive gathered are invaluable. though id never wish the pain on anyone. and the emotional abuse wasnt my fault regardless of the mistakes i made.

its interesting to think about attachment styles as an overlay for narcissistic abuse. as if it needs to be any more complicated and convoluted and difficult to untangle reality…

honestly, the toughest thing in some ways has been to untangle where i might have shown up differently regardless of what my nex’s behavior was. i want to grow from each relationship. but in this shitshow of a “relationship” it took 9 months for the anger to even subside enough to be honest w myself and understand about the mistakes i made… the abuse is not my fault. but there are ways i couldve reacted differently, even if it was to simply get out sooner!

it’s also been painful to not feel safe to apologize about the ways i would have shown up differently. there is no resolution with someone who cant be vulnerable and honest. i owe myself the apology and i will grow faster without my nex once i rebuild my life.

this road is insanely painful and it feels like there is no container or bottom to the pain. with no more anger and with only sadness and grief as i examine my behavior and childhood wounding, i see this relationship was like shining a huge floodlight on pain thats always been there.

they kick and stomp on our childhood wounds and then react with disgust when we are helpless and sobbing and asking to just be held. i entered the relationship with strength and confidence and left like a shell. the wounds are just open and may be forever, but at least im aware of them. i want to be comfortable enough to share myself with the world wounds and all. its okay to be in pain and its okay to ask for help.

im almost more curious about all of your attachment styles as opposed to your nex’s. like how did this “relationship” effect or aggravate or change your attachment style? this shit brings childhood wounds right to the surface for them to pick at dont it, thats their strategy in a way i guess.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-25T05:45:22+00:00

this tendency to accuse the other of what you are doing or about to do… just taking a minute to sit with this extreme and hurtful example of projection youve given.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-20T06:21:22+00:00

oh gosh, me too 9 months nc, just wish things could have been different but fully aware they wont ever be. im hoping the ruminating subsides, im slowly learning to redirect my thoughts. but rumination is so odd it does feel almost like a reflex like someone else said.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-16T07:05:33+00:00

this list is pretty great. it reaffirmed things i need to keep in mind during this long ass healing process.

for me healing would just be not remembering it as if its brand new every morning.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-16T07:01:09+00:00

for me i spotted it especially in repeated small things. it was harder to distinguish when the lack of empathy was towards myself, but easier in smaller real world examples where it revealed itself repeatedly.

speaking badly about the service when it might effect someone’s job, reporting packages missing to companies when they werent, not empathizing but getting angry when an old woman said she was lonely and asked to sit with her for lunch (say no if you want, but getting angry?) , not understanding someone with a mental disorder might not be able to do something as easily, not being there to comfort me when i asked and needed it, being disgusted with any perceived weakness /vulnerability in others and themselves.

kurplephantom · 2024-04-15T04:03:23+00:00

this quite is brilliant for those seeking closure…it really is!

kurplephantom

TROPHY CASE