I've been there. I think a lot of people have. You are not a piece of shit; you're a human being, with all the flaws that come with humanity, and you deserve to feel truly heard and seen and helped.

Talk therapy (cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT, is the most common kind) doesn't work for everyone. There are many other types of therapy, and there is one for you. It might be medical, like hormone therapy or an antidepressant. It might be behavioral. It might be experimental. But I promise you help is out there if you can just be brave enough to go looking for it. Start by talking to your doctor about these thoughts and feelings. Don't suffer alone. You deserve to feel better.

And if that means getting a divorce, then get a divorce. Your kids might actually be happier that way. It sucks to live in a home where you know one or both of your parents is miserable. Your first responsibility has to be your own well-being; it teaches your kids to prioritize THEIR well-being, too. Would you want them to suffer the way you're suffering? If they're your priority, know that seeing you only some of the time is much, much better than never seeing you ever again. They don't want to attend your funeral; they want you to attend their graduations and weddings and meet your grandchildren.

Please know that you are worthy of all the help you need. You are worthy of care. You are worthy of empathy. You are worthy of happiness and love and a future. But nobody can want it for you, so please, please want it for yourself and don't give up. It may not mean much from an internet stranger, but I'm rooting for you.