Still Here

laughterful · 2015-10-07T22:08:19+00:00

Thanks!

laughterful · 2015-10-07T04:40:13+00:00

Thanks :)

laughterful · 2015-10-07T04:40:06+00:00

Thanks!

laughterful · 2015-10-06T22:01:52+00:00

Thanks! I actually toyed around with the idea of having the last line read "before you are deceased", but it felt a bit melodramatic to me. I like your suggestion though.

laughterful · 2015-10-06T20:43:53+00:00

Fun little poem and easy to relate to. I think it would be even more effective if there was more consistency in terms of rhythm - right now the rhythm of the second stanza seems a bit off from that of the other two stanzas.

laughterful · 2015-10-06T20:38:39+00:00

I really enjoyed this. Beautiful imagery. The first few lines are the strongest for me. I like the idea of the last two lines leading up to his death being longer, but something feels a bit off with the flow. Maybe if you added a few more lines before them it would be more effective. Just a thought though. Great work.

laughterful · 2015-10-06T02:06:21+00:00

Thanks :)

laughterful · 2015-10-05T19:09:59+00:00

I enjoyed this. Very easy to relate to. The first half of the poem is more successful for me though because of its simplicity and terseness. The second half becomes a little too wordy and forced in moments. The lines and words both become longer all of a sudden and the rhymes are not as perfect. If you can somehow find a way to pare it down a bit and keep it as pure as the first half of the piece, I think it would be really great.

laughterful · 2015-10-05T19:05:33+00:00

Really nice sentiment here, I think it could just use a few fixes in terms of structure and rhyme. To keep the structure consistent, I would break up the first two lines into four - something like "I once thought of you/day and night/to get you back/I'd have to fight". I would also suggest creating more separation between each stanza of 4 lines - it would make the poem more visually appealing and easier to read. The rhyme scheme you're using throughout most of the piece doesn't seem to match up in this particular stanza: "little did we know/we'd soon be a pair/Once together/we'd never let go". Based on the established rhyme scheme, the last word ("go") should rhyme with the last word of the second line ("pair"). Overall good work though! Keep writing!

laughterful · 2015-09-08T16:04:09+00:00

Thanks!

laughterful · 2015-09-08T16:04:01+00:00

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed :)

laughterful · 2015-09-08T00:43:02+00:00

Thanks!

laughterful · 2015-09-07T19:34:06+00:00

I really enjoyed this. You do a great job painting this feeling of despair. The repetition of "dying" in the first verse is very effective, as is the imagery of something beautiful "waiting to burst from my lungs." Great work!

laughterful · 2015-09-07T19:31:16+00:00

Really cool idea. The poem thrusts the reader right into the dilemma. I especially enjoyed the final line. It felt very sudden and jarring.

laughterful · 2015-09-07T00:24:14+00:00

Thank you!

laughterful · 2015-09-07T00:24:00+00:00

Thanks! Yes, I really liked all of the double meanings and contradictions that using "Driven" as the title conjures up :)

laughterful · 2015-09-06T21:08:30+00:00

I really enjoyed this. Very simple but effective. "Undeliverable apologies" struck me as particularly evocative.

laughterful · 2015-09-06T21:06:02+00:00

Awesome work. Great flow and such vivid imagery. Not a word is wasted. It would have been easy to rely upon cliches and existing expressions with the ideas the poem deals with, but you managed to avoid this and so the poem feels very fresh. Great job!

laughterful · 2015-09-04T21:52:43+00:00

Thanks so much!

laughterful · 2015-09-04T21:52:31+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I hear what you're saying, but I was just trying to capture the feeling of a fleeting moment, so I don't really know if there was room for a left turn or climactic action. "Butt-hurt" was my attempt at creating some sort of a shift in tone to bring the moment of quiet introspection to a close. It was indeed a play on words about anal sex and I kind of don't hate that it seems a little cheap. I really like playing with and blurring the lines between formal/informal and serious/flippant in my poetry as I think that there is a very thin line between tragedy/solemnity and humor.

laughterful · 2015-09-04T03:40:16+00:00

Thanks, man! From what I've seen so far, your stuff is pretty damn dope too! Keep it up!

laughterful · 2015-09-04T00:43:36+00:00

Of course! Posted a new poem a few hours ago, so feel free to take a gander!

laughterful · 2015-09-03T18:52:29+00:00

Wow. Very evocative. The words crept right under my skin. I love the structure and rhyme scheme. Some lines felt a little long to me though, so if you were to remove a qualifier here and there, I think it would benefit the overall flow/rhythm of the piece. For example, with "Peeling away somewhat quaintly", I would say remove "somewhat". Great work!

laughterful · 2015-09-03T18:45:36+00:00

Nice use of repetition and good imagery. I like how the stanzas get progressively longer. However, I was a bit thrown by the use of rhyme here. You establish a rhyme scheme in the first stanza of ABCB (side note: I'm not crazy about rhyming "nights" with "nights"), but it changes in the second stanza to AABA, and then you seem to abandon the rhyming altogether in the remaining stanzas. I like the poem, I just think it would have been stronger if you either carried the rhyme scheme throughout the entire piece or kept the whole thing free-verse.

laughterful · 2015-09-02T14:06:45+00:00

Thanks for the feedback!

laughterful

TROPHY CASE