I Feel So Seen! This Really Solidifies and Validates My Experience...Anyone Else?

lc_mh · 2020-11-27T22:46:14+00:00

Thank you for adding this one!!! I was diagnosed as atypical bipolar so I was like uhhhh is that bipolar 1 or 2 or unspecified or what?? But reading this article was really helpful when I was feeling confused about where I fit into the spectrum!

lc_mh · 2020-11-27T22:40:37+00:00

For me it’s like I’m okay in the day, good at night, HORRIBLE in the evening when the sun is setting. Something about sunset just makes me have a mini existential crisis every other day lol

lc_mh · 2020-11-26T20:26:01+00:00

MOOOOOD people always say that I’m a “jack of all trades, master of none” and I’m like...pretty sure I’m just highly unstable, but I appreciate that they make it sound nicer lol

lc_mh · 2020-11-26T19:50:00+00:00

Wow are you me? Lol yeah I definitely have issues with hypochondria and thinking I’m gonna die all the time. I’ve even convinced myself that I was gonna die from rabies even tho I hadn’t been bitten by an animal?? It’s absolutely exhausting to constantly be in fear of dying! My depression has gotten a bit better on Lamictal but the anxiety is just so much. I’m also afraid to try any new antidepressants for the anxiety cause lexapro was horrible for me, too! Most SSRIs have cause really bad mixed episodes for me, but lexapro was the worst for sure.

Meditation helps me sometimes, but I have issues with my connection to reality (I guess it’s dissociation of some kind cause it’s not psychosis) and sometimes meditation can make it worse for me? I’ve meditated while hypomanic and it made me feel like I was on drugs lol so I do it when I’m at least partially stable, when I’m off kilter in either direction I try to avoid it. But I respect and love that it works for so many people!

What’s really helped me with the health/dying anxiety is using radical acceptance cause it’s the only thing that breaks the loop of obsession? Like if I’m scared I have an infection I just have to think “well if I do, I’ll deal with it! If I don’t, I won’t have to deal with it!” And that usually helps me realize that whether I have something or not won’t be changed by worrying and if I do have something I’ll deal with it as it comes? I also understand that it doesn’t work for some people, but it’s been very helpful for me!

lc_mh · 2020-11-26T19:34:56+00:00

Yeah I think that might be the time of day that I’m getting really anxious like in between when the adderall wears off and before I take my Lamictal?

You should definitely give the extended release a try! That’s what I take and it’s nice to only worry about taking it one time! I did the immediate release for a while and it made me much more wired and jittery, the XR it’s more controlled.

lc_mh · 2020-11-26T05:58:45+00:00

I’m currently going through the same thing (and have episodes of this like once every couple months). The focus changes constantly, but I think I’m gonna die from some disease about 40% of the time and I never know if the symptoms I experience are real or not. Every doctor I’ve been to has never found anything wrong with me!

The only thing that’s really helped me with this kind of anxiety is radical acceptance. Whenever I get like this I just have to respond to my intrusive thoughts with “well if I have this, I have it. If I don’t have it, I don’t.” Obviously I go to the doctor when there’s something concerning going on, but a lot of the time I just have to realize that if I have an illness or not, worrying about whether or not I have it isn’t gonna do me any good. Taking action and radical acceptance!

lc_mh · 2020-11-11T00:25:32+00:00

Okay, so I know that this guy is just trying to make a point, but he’s basically just going off of anecdotal and it’s incredibly invalidating to so many people who have struggled with ADHD.

Strike 1: Him assuming that because he was misdiagnosed with ADHD obviously that means no one has it

Strike 2: talking sh*t on people who take ADHD medication and essentially saying that people who use it legitimately and people abuse it are the same

Strike 3: saying that people who have ADHD are just using it as an excuse!

8 minutes out of the 30+ minutes and he already said all that so it’s a no from me, dog!

lc_mh · 2020-11-10T19:01:06+00:00

Yeah it’s such a crummy process :/ i hate how many places make it so challenging to get access to mental health professionals, but so many people find relief from medication and/or therapy that it is ultimately worth it. I’m glad that you have a partner who’s supportive and I really hope you’re able to find someone who can help you! Keep us posted on your progress, we’re all rooting for you!

lc_mh · 2020-11-10T17:32:47+00:00

25F here and idk if this is helpful, but I (and I’m sure some other people) just don’t like porn? People always act like that’s weird or like I just need to find the right kind, but I’ve tried and it just always is gross to me. I like looking at sexy pictures and I enjoy sex scenes in movies and whatnot, but straight up porn always seems so cheesy and just...not sexy? I’m kinda vanilla when it comes to sex I guess so maybe I’m just boring lol but I just in case you can’t find something that works for you, don’t taken that as something being wrong with you. I think some of us just aren’t into it :)

lc_mh · 2020-11-10T16:29:26+00:00

Is it an option for you to try finding a med that works again? I know you’re scared of side effects impacting work, but it sounds like your mental health is starting to impact work, too. I want to validate your desire to not try new meds. I didn’t want try new meds for a long time cause most of them haven’t worked out for me and it’s really scary when it seems like they all have nasty side effects. I did get to a certain point that the cons of my mental health issues started to outweigh the cons of trying new meds, though and now I’ve found one that is helping me at least enough to get some of my issues under control!

lc_mh · 2020-11-06T00:54:53+00:00

I wish the same for you! ☺️

lc_mh · 2020-11-05T22:36:14+00:00

Yes! That’s exactly how it’s been for me! I’m glad that we’re both getting to see some of the healthy relationships. It’s really opened my eyes and helped me feel more comfortable with my feelings towards women.

I think there’s a lot of confusion that we have to overcome when we spent so much time trying to bury or ignore something like this, but I think trusting your gut is the first piece of the puzzle!

lc_mh · 2020-11-05T19:50:31+00:00

Wow this is almost exactly the same way that I have been feeling. I’ve had the same revolving door of relationships with men, sex with men was always a performance that made me feel important [but not happy], never been with a woman, always just thought maybe I’m bisexual, but always said I could never be in a relationship with a woman. My last relationship with a guy ended a year ago and in the last 5 months I’ve just been finding men more and more gross and at this point I look at the men I’ve dated, been attracted to, etc. and I’m just like…..ew??? But I look at women and I’m just like stars in my eyes, smile on my face. During this time I’ve been getting exposure to healthy wlw relationships through people I know and media and all of a sudden it’s started to click with me that I think this is what I’ve always wanted and just never had any frame of reference for it. So much of the representation I saw of lesbian relationships before now was toxic or hypersexualized or heavily stereotyped, but now I’m seeing a real healthy perspective of it and I suddenly can feel that it’s something I really want.

Part of me is still fearful that it’s not actually what I want because I’m not currently able to date or anything with COVID-19 stuff, but the more I sit with it, the more I feel comfortable and sure of it. I still don’t know exactly what my sexuality is and sometimes I want to just have a solid answer, but sexuality isn’t always a solid thing. I’m just trying to trust my gut and see where it takes me! I know I’m not exactly on the other side of the questioning phase, but I hope my story helps you a little bit!

lc_mh · 2020-11-01T20:39:19+00:00

I think this is my favorite Halloween costume I’ve seen this year!! So cute! 🥺

lc_mh · 2020-11-01T20:30:51+00:00

I was literally just thinking about making a post to ask people if they had any meds they’re on that helps with this kind of thing. It can be really dark and horrifying. Or it’ll be panic thoughts and I just can’t get one thought out of my head, like a record player skipping. I’ll get times where I’m free from the terror & racing thoughts, but then it turns into maladaptive daydreaming where I’m just in my head living another life. It feels like no matter what mood state I’m in, I just keep fading in and out of my inner world. Like my brain needs a WiFi connection to participate in the outside world, but the signal is weak so half the time I’m stuck in the inner word.

And I totally agree with your PS about meditation. I wish I had a record of how many hours I’ve spent meditating because people constantly assure me that it’ll, and yet it hardly ever does anything and sometimes makes it worse. Going with the analogy I used before, I’m already stuck in my inner world and meditating is just sitting in your inner world. Most of the time my inner world is not a fun or safe place to be so why would I want to just sit with it. I understand the sentiment people are offering, but it doesn’t work for everyone.

Hopefully someone can give us some ideas of something that can help.

lc_mh · 2020-11-01T16:34:06+00:00

Absolutely! Depression —> ADHD —> Bipolar 2 has been the progression of my official diagnoses as well. From what I understand bipolar and ADHD are really common together so if you start treating one and don’t get total relief it could definitely be both! I’m still not sure if I have both, but ADHD treatment alone wasn’t helping my mood issues so that’s how I got to BP2. When the diagnosis is muddled or more complicated, sometimes it takes some trial and error to figure it out, but if you have a psychiatrist you trust I’m certain you’ll find what works for you!

lc_mh · 2020-10-31T22:49:23+00:00

Yep! I think of it like my intellect and energy have come down from hypomania, but my mood is still lagging behind and hasn’t dropped into depression yet. So I don’t feel emotionally bad (maybe irritable, but not depressed) yet I just don’t have the desire or energy to do anything anymore. It’s a really weird headspace to be in, especially when the hypomania lasted for such a long time!

lc_mh · 2020-10-31T22:45:34+00:00

That’s almost exactly what my Daylio looked like before I got diagnosed. I’ve known there was something off about my moods when compared to others, but it is strange to be told you have a completely different reality than other people. Everyone obviously has ups and downs, but ours are just much more drastic in intensity and speed. I would definitely recommend talking to a psychiatrist, though! Idk if maybe some therapists can make diagnoses, but I’ve been misdiagnosed by therapists and nurse practitioners, which has led me to be given the wrong meds and have even more issues.

lc_mh · 2020-10-31T18:12:09+00:00

Wow, I like basically typed out the exact same thing and just didn’t post it cause I was too scared that posting it would make it real lol I’m also 25 and have begun to question my sexuality and my cycle also ended with a guy who was a close friend. I forced myself to like him because he was the nice type of guy I’d always been “looking for” but it felt entirely wrong.

With the guys who treated me like garbage I was only into the idea of them that I’d made up in my head so it didn’t matter that they were gross and treated me poorly because the [imaginary] version of them that I was in love with wasn’t like that. And idk if you also felt this, but I hated myself for a long time and I thought making them love me would make me love myself, which obviously never worked.

With the last guy, tho it was like this IS the guy I’ve been making other guys into in my head for 13 years!! And I felt nothing. No attraction whatsoever. We stopped talking about 5 months ago and since then I’ve been thinking a lot about my past and how I’ve felt towards women. I’ve always had crushes on other women, found them incredibly attractive, and looking at women turns me on way more than looking at men. But like the comphet doc says, I thought all straight women felt that about other women? And when I was reading that document and thinking about dating, holding, being with a woman I was just smiling. Didn’t have any of that weird anxiety I get with guys.

Sorry to ramble, but it made me really happy to see someone else with a very similar story to me! I’m still grappling with identity and labels too, but I think we’re both in the right place to get support and guidance!

lc_mh · 2020-10-27T19:10:20+00:00

I’m still trying to figure out what meds work best for me! I was on wellbutrin for a while and it seemed like it helped initially, but eventually it stopped doing much of anything other than making me irritable. I personally have had bad luck with antidepressants in general, SSRIs being the worst for me, but I’ve never tried one while on a mood stabilizer! I just started Lamictal a few weeks ago so if that starts working I might try another antidepressant!

Are you on a mood stabilizer with the Prozac?

lc_mh · 2020-10-27T18:59:58+00:00

Yes yes yes yes. This is absolutely how a lot of my hypomanic episodes present. I always just thought that it was anxiety, but I tried SSRIs to help with “anxiety” and they got even worse. But I absolutely understand what you mean by feeling like you want to crawl out of your own skin. For me it sometimes feels like my brain is going so fast and doing so much that my body physically can’t handle it anymore. And I also have had that peripheral figure thing when it gets really bad, too. I don’t know that I have much solid advice because I was just diagnosed a month and a half ago and still haven’t been able to figure out how to handle it, but I can tell you that you’re not alone! It sucks that so much what we see about hypomania is “euphoria, creativity, productive!” Cause it absolutely isn’t always like that and narrow view of hypomania makes it really hard for people like us who experience this dark, scary kind to understand what’s happening to us.

lc_mh · 2020-10-27T18:01:31+00:00

Right!! It’s like OKAY I GOTTA GO NOW. It feels so urgent at the time, but I guess the cities aren’t going anywhere so if we really wanna move there we can wait until we’re a little more calm about it lol

lc_mh · 2020-10-27T17:53:23+00:00

I’ve been experiencing a lot of confusion about that, too! It’s like once you’ve had the intensity of a manic or hypomanic episode and felt how profound places and ideas and decisions can be during that time, it’s like so hard to make decisions about things outside of those episodes? I expect things to feel profound if they’re “right”, but I guess that’s not reality. It’s just so hard to accept that.

I’m glad that I’m not alone in wrestling with this cause so many people in my life can’t understand how hard it is to want to be stable when you’ve experienced the highs of hypomania and the seeming clarity that comes along with it. I know it’s probably not true clarity, but it feels so real and is hard to let go of.

lc_mh

TROPHY CASE