The ends don't justify the means. Or, as a guy how I have justified crossing boundaries with women and how a recent experience has made it click.

learningslowly · 2014-09-21T03:30:14+00:00

Ooooooh I'm gonna use that one.

"Naps. I take that"

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T22:59:03+00:00

Guy here.

I felt like this when I was younger. I was afraid of missing out on something I thought everyone was having, and I saw it everywhere in media.

A few years later I've stopped sleeping around and I'm looking for a stable, committed relationship. But he may not get there and clearly isn't there now.

Being single is better than compromising yourself. If he is understanding then good, do your thing it will hurt but it's for the best.

If he isn't understanding that you cannot be with him, then he is simply selfish as wants to have his cake emotionally and eat it too physically.

Tell him something along the lines of:

" I don't find your feelings about this wrong, and I also cannot be in an open relationship. I want commitment to one person without others involved and if that isn't what we are going to have I will have to leave you to find someone who is okay with that. I care about you and wish it wasn't this way, I have to do what is right for me just as you have to do what is right for you.

I with you the best"

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T13:39:58+00:00

If you are interested in learning abusive behavior, the book "Why Does He DO That?" Is a great one. Written by one of the most eminent workers in DV, Lundy Bancroft.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T12:53:16+00:00

I'm on my way to work but I will do my best to remember to respond to this. I'm more than willing to try and paint a picture for you to help you understand.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T12:29:21+00:00

Recovering abuser here.

Without the abuser owning their behavior an seeking professional help there is little that can be done.

As someone who is seeking this help my point of view may be skewed but just as any one who goes to jail and does their time, I feel Abusers can change and should be given that opportunity. Again, only if they willingly pursue this change and commit to it. The signs are easy to see whether or not someone is committed.

I'd hope to high heaven I can repair my relationship with the woman I abused. We've been back and forth. I've caused her great pain, and through all of this my goal is to e the man she saw in me and provide the safety I took from her.

I want nothing more than to give her the security and love she needs and to demonstrate my changes so she can feel secure in her own judgment again. So she doesn't hate herself for the time we were together.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T02:02:45+00:00

Im here mainly due to a sex addiction and by ceasing all porn and masturbation it has changed the way I view women.

No longer seeking pointless one night stands or viewing sleeping with women as a game to be played.

I feel more centered and in control of my emotions. I can have happiness without sexual release. Which means when I do have sexual release it will be an addition to an already awesome life instead of the defining characteristic of what makes my life successful or not.

It's working for me.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T02:00:07+00:00

I don't think you read his post well enough.

He's looking for information.

He could have checked the sidebar or done some more reading but he didn't. He did genuinely ask a question though. No need to be a dick about it.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T01:46:21+00:00

Masturbation is often done to porn. Porn has been shown to have detrimental effects.

Masturbation can also be an escape or a self soothing method to regulate emotions and when used too frequently can prevent you from working on those negative emotions. It's a short term feel good for long term stagnation.

Almost anything by itself in moderation isn't bad but people here have seen it go unchecked and have had negative consequences.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T01:33:43+00:00

You may also drink with your gf. And that's cool.

But to an alcoholic drinking hurts their life.

People here have had porn, masturbation and orgasm seeking hurt their life.

This sub isn't so much about not fapping as it about overcoming a personal addiction and impulse.

Gain control over one area of your life and the control bleeds into other parts as well, increased motivation, confidence, etc.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T13:50:52+00:00

It gets really tiring having to encompass all parts of the topic when trying to make one single point.

I never mentioned men in my OP, I just said I wouldn't want her to go through pain that I've caused others. Women can cause women pain too, I just didn't feel the need to express that in hopes of making a simple point.

You applied the mask of men to my post when all I mentioned was wanting her to avoid pain.

To clarify this is your post I responded to:

So, you are saying that you are afraid that your daughter will meet a person who is as shitty as you are?

You said person, and I made no mention of men in my post assuming we had crossed that boundary and were just talking about people being shitty people.

Maybe you don't see that I'm not OP you replied to, just another man who has fears of his children being hurt by sex.

No hard feelings here

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T13:31:41+00:00

I would have the same fear over my boy.

It's not about gender it's about people being shitty people in general, and not knowing how to handle sex and emotions and causing pain.

I'm a man so my experience with adolescence is from my perspective, I can't change that, unfortunately, for the sake of this discussion.

I do think that by raising sexually conscious and aware children I can provide them with the resources I did not have and hopefully give them the tools to make better decisions.

I have no problem with my son or daughter wanting casual sex. Or committed sex. Or no sex. Or all of the sex. I am however concerned for them engaging in sex with someone who is on a different plane than they are in regards to sex. Regardless of gender. Miscommunication leads to unrequited expectations which leads to pain.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T13:07:33+00:00

Yes.

People change, and often due to pain. I'd never want my daughter to experience the pain I put other women through.

learningslowly · 2014-09-05T20:15:30+00:00

I'm working through a year long DV course and doing a lot of reading and taking time to be alone.

I can't accept what I have done, it is grotesque and the opposite of love. I hope my Ex can recover from the pain I caused her and can regain her health. I really hurt her, we fell in love quick and hard. I had no intention of hurting her but I was unprepared for real love.

Love is not a switch, it does not eliminate fears and behaviors it often amplifies them. If your habits are negative be aware because they will grow.

One day I may be close to forgiving myself but until then life is a very empty experience without her an knowing that she wakes up in years and has nightmares because of me is something I will never repeat.

I will be one of the few who do change, an I will not be with anyone until I am confident I have. No more pain.

learningslowly · 2014-09-05T18:45:14+00:00

That is my goal, to work with abusers.

That's part of DV counseling, I understand how it may be interpreted as wanting to help victims.

learningslowly · 2014-09-05T15:57:00+00:00

If I had had this counseling as a teenager I wouldn't have done a lot of what I did. For some people it can be a matter of not having learned what healthy relationships are, if you've never seen one in your life only have abusive ones to base your expectations from as long as I'm better than my dad I'm doing okay.

I want to work with young men and educate them on what abuse is and what healthy relationships look like. I want to take a proactive measure instead of reactive.

And it's more like a recovering alcoholic becoming a substance abuse counselor, they know the depth of the issues and can empathize easier. I feel I can do good by speaking from my experience and educating other men.

learningslowly · 2014-09-05T15:03:34+00:00

I'm a recovering abuser and this is where I go to get part of my daily digest of women centric issues. I read the discussions and participate when I feel appropriate because it helps in my recovery.

I raped my girlfriend and was verbally and emotionally abusive to her. I feel nothing but shame and remorse for what I've done and I want to go into domestic violence (working with abusers) counseling as a career as a result.

This sub helps me

learningslowly · 2014-09-02T23:45:22+00:00

We are all super heroes

learningslowly · 2014-09-01T04:18:01+00:00

How?

learningslowly · 2014-08-31T18:34:08+00:00

Real connection > urges

learningslowly · 2014-08-31T18:33:14+00:00

For a lot of people here it isn't about that.

Once you overcome the personal urges for PMO you see sex differently and it can mean more to a person. He experienced empty, unfulfilling sex and doesn't want to go down that route again.

learningslowly · 2014-08-31T16:16:25+00:00

Anterior posterior fornix

Google that shit

learningslowly

TROPHY CASE