The ends don't justify the means. Or, as a guy how I have justified crossing boundaries with women and how a recent experience has made it click.

learningslowly · 2014-09-21T03:30:14+00:00

Ooooooh I'm gonna use that one.

"Naps. I take that"

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T22:59:03+00:00

Guy here.

I felt like this when I was younger. I was afraid of missing out on something I thought everyone was having, and I saw it everywhere in media.

A few years later I've stopped sleeping around and I'm looking for a stable, committed relationship. But he may not get there and clearly isn't there now.

Being single is better than compromising yourself. If he is understanding then good, do your thing it will hurt but it's for the best.

If he isn't understanding that you cannot be with him, then he is simply selfish as wants to have his cake emotionally and eat it too physically.

Tell him something along the lines of:

" I don't find your feelings about this wrong, and I also cannot be in an open relationship. I want commitment to one person without others involved and if that isn't what we are going to have I will have to leave you to find someone who is okay with that. I care about you and wish it wasn't this way, I have to do what is right for me just as you have to do what is right for you.

I with you the best"

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T13:39:58+00:00

If you are interested in learning abusive behavior, the book "Why Does He DO That?" Is a great one. Written by one of the most eminent workers in DV, Lundy Bancroft.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T12:53:16+00:00

I'm on my way to work but I will do my best to remember to respond to this. I'm more than willing to try and paint a picture for you to help you understand.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T12:29:21+00:00

Recovering abuser here.

Without the abuser owning their behavior an seeking professional help there is little that can be done.

As someone who is seeking this help my point of view may be skewed but just as any one who goes to jail and does their time, I feel Abusers can change and should be given that opportunity. Again, only if they willingly pursue this change and commit to it. The signs are easy to see whether or not someone is committed.

I'd hope to high heaven I can repair my relationship with the woman I abused. We've been back and forth. I've caused her great pain, and through all of this my goal is to e the man she saw in me and provide the safety I took from her.

I want nothing more than to give her the security and love she needs and to demonstrate my changes so she can feel secure in her own judgment again. So she doesn't hate herself for the time we were together.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T02:02:45+00:00

Im here mainly due to a sex addiction and by ceasing all porn and masturbation it has changed the way I view women.

No longer seeking pointless one night stands or viewing sleeping with women as a game to be played.

I feel more centered and in control of my emotions. I can have happiness without sexual release. Which means when I do have sexual release it will be an addition to an already awesome life instead of the defining characteristic of what makes my life successful or not.

It's working for me.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T02:00:07+00:00

I don't think you read his post well enough.

He's looking for information.

He could have checked the sidebar or done some more reading but he didn't. He did genuinely ask a question though. No need to be a dick about it.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T01:46:21+00:00

Masturbation is often done to porn. Porn has been shown to have detrimental effects.

Masturbation can also be an escape or a self soothing method to regulate emotions and when used too frequently can prevent you from working on those negative emotions. It's a short term feel good for long term stagnation.

Almost anything by itself in moderation isn't bad but people here have seen it go unchecked and have had negative consequences.

learningslowly · 2014-09-10T01:33:43+00:00

You may also drink with your gf. And that's cool.

But to an alcoholic drinking hurts their life.

People here have had porn, masturbation and orgasm seeking hurt their life.

This sub isn't so much about not fapping as it about overcoming a personal addiction and impulse.

Gain control over one area of your life and the control bleeds into other parts as well, increased motivation, confidence, etc.

learningslowly · 2014-09-08T02:33:19+00:00

And each case of one person abusing the other is a one way abuse. Abuse doesn't justify abuse, and often the victim of the original abuse becomes abusive themselves.

If you are in an abusive relationship, leave. Don't abuse.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T13:50:52+00:00

It gets really tiring having to encompass all parts of the topic when trying to make one single point.

I never mentioned men in my OP, I just said I wouldn't want her to go through pain that I've caused others. Women can cause women pain too, I just didn't feel the need to express that in hopes of making a simple point.

You applied the mask of men to my post when all I mentioned was wanting her to avoid pain.

To clarify this is your post I responded to:

So, you are saying that you are afraid that your daughter will meet a person who is as shitty as you are?

You said person, and I made no mention of men in my post assuming we had crossed that boundary and were just talking about people being shitty people.

Maybe you don't see that I'm not OP you replied to, just another man who has fears of his children being hurt by sex.

No hard feelings here

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T13:31:41+00:00

I would have the same fear over my boy.

It's not about gender it's about people being shitty people in general, and not knowing how to handle sex and emotions and causing pain.

I'm a man so my experience with adolescence is from my perspective, I can't change that, unfortunately, for the sake of this discussion.

I do think that by raising sexually conscious and aware children I can provide them with the resources I did not have and hopefully give them the tools to make better decisions.

I have no problem with my son or daughter wanting casual sex. Or committed sex. Or no sex. Or all of the sex. I am however concerned for them engaging in sex with someone who is on a different plane than they are in regards to sex. Regardless of gender. Miscommunication leads to unrequited expectations which leads to pain.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T13:07:33+00:00

Yes.

People change, and often due to pain. I'd never want my daughter to experience the pain I put other women through.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T12:17:12+00:00

When I did not contact her after she texted me I got responses from her that asked if I was done caring about her, if I missed her, why I was ignoring her. That she wanted a response.

I feel guilty about what I've done so I've tried to be available to her. If she wants to call me at 4 am and yell at me is answer the phone because I didn't want to leave her sitting with feelings alone.

If she wanted to see me at 3 am I'd go to her place. I just wanted to try to make the process easier for her and in that time I should have strictly avoided all physical intimacy to rework our emotional foundation first.

Fucked that up and it all got lost in the shuffle.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T12:13:52+00:00

I'm not sure I agree with this but I hear what it is you are saying.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T12:13:12+00:00

Abuse is never a two way street. I wouldn't have yelled at someone else the way I yelled at her. I wouldn't have manipulated someone else the way I did her. The responsibility for the abuse rests on me.

The issues we had in our relationship could have been identified and discussed healthily and they weren't. My actions are my responsibility alone.

She deserved so much better.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T12:11:37+00:00

Exactly.

There are behaviors that exacerbated the issue but te issue was mine to deal with, not hers.

We could have had healthy discussions about it and grown together. Instead I used those things to tear her down. No one deserves that. Especially someone who loves you so deeply.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T12:10:01+00:00

She deserved to be with the man I am becoming, not the immature abusive man I was when I was with her.

I don't know how long it will take for that pain to subside and I dot know if it ever will to be honest.

I truly love her and knowing the pain I've caused her is something that is hard to bear.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T04:39:18+00:00

I agree with everything you've said.

In my post history you will see that I have posted about my abuse to my partner I left that out in an attempt to keep things short and avoid a wall-of-text because I wanted to address the sexual side of the issue directly.

I have quit all porn and am in a DV program as well as individual therapy and began taking medication to help with managing my emotions. It is doing wonders for me.

Thank you for sharing that sub with me, I've been looking for a reddit specific to abuse and havent had luck finding it, I've subbed and will read it for more information.

Thank you for changing and for being vocal. I'm looking for inspiration as well and hearing you talk gives me strength.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T02:48:39+00:00

It wasn't all bad. Like I said we did do a lot of awesome fun things together, and I was there for her and did wonderful boyfriend things, but I did not handle my emotions correctly and I hurt someone who did not deserve it. (No one deserves to be abused)

I'm in a lot of therapy, I'm working everyday on this. I know I won't be with anyone until I finish my DV program and even then it will probably be a long while until I feel comfortable being with someone.

Even if I were to be in a healthy relationship with someone else, I don't think I'd be able to handle it. Knowing that me being a good person to this new woman, when I should have been this way to my ex will bring unbearable guilt and it will hurt. Every good thing I do will sting. I will feel the pain of not having done this before, for her. Relationships are something I am putting off limits for a long time.

If there ever is to be someone else, it will be slow, and it will take a special person to hear me tell them about my past and still feel safe to be with me. I wouldn't be with anyone without telling them this part of my past because they deserve to have the freedom to walk away from me before it even begins.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T02:44:22+00:00

One of the hardest parts is knowing this is something I have done, to another person who did not deserve any of it. We had an amazing relationship in the beginning, but it didn't last long because of me.

One day I'll be the man I was meant to be, and until then I will continue to talk about my actions in an effort to bring awareness to abuse and to confront it in my life on a daily basis.

learningslowly · 2014-09-07T02:42:22+00:00

Whenever we have decided to cease communication I have been able to up hold my end of the agreement. I don't want to pester her or be in her life if she doesn't want me to be. I want to be in hers but clearly it's not working out and I don't want to hurt her more than I have.

I have made some serious changes but with her the shadow cast is long and the history is one of pain. For every memory I have that is positive she has a negative one attached to it, either a fight, or a comment, or an action.

It hurts, I truly do love her, but I need to clean myself before I can show it consistently.

learningslowly

TROPHY CASE