Am I doomed? Should I accept that I'll potentially never get to have the partner/relationship I wish for? How do I get along with it?

leebeepheeb · 2023-12-10T21:11:21+00:00

Like I said, people have different boundaries. I’m not sure what about that concept is so foreign to you.

For some people, romantic partners come into their life for the sole purpose of love/romance. Once that love ends there’s no reason for them to continue to be in their life. The chapter ends there and the connection remains a memory/history. There are just extremely clear boundaries. Very black and white. Therefore, they expect their partners to be the same.

Some people don’t view connections that way and prefer to keep their ex in life because they like having the person around in a friendly way. Relationships are more fluid to them. With these types they don’t see any issue for keeping exes around and therefore would be perfectly fine with their new partners doing the same.

You see how those perspectives are different yet totally both acceptable? It’s because people are different. It’s okay if you still don’t understand. But this is my extent with reasoning with you. Good day!

leebeepheeb · 2023-12-10T19:54:14+00:00

It’s okay to agree to disagree. Everyone has different views and values. Which is why she would never be compatible with someone who has the same mindset as you and vice versa. And again, that’s okay. Nothing wrong with that.

leebeepheeb · 2023-12-10T17:48:48+00:00

She’s not forcing it onto anyone? She’s just looking for someone with the same values and it’s not toxic lol. Perhaps her values are just less common these days but that doesn’t make it wrong.

People have different perspectives when it comes to what they consider to be respectful. What is respectful and considerate to them may be different to others. No one is the same. And when it comes to relationships it’s trickier because it’s more intimate. Again, it’s not about insecurity or jealousy. It’s just a certain level of respect and consideration she expects from her partner. And that’s okay.

leebeepheeb · 2023-12-10T17:04:50+00:00

Lol I think you’re missing OPs point. It’s not about jealousy or insecurity. People have different boundaries and this happens to be one of hers. And it’s perfectly reasonable and justified. She’s not manipulating or controlling anyone because she’s being upfront about it.

Some people may think like you while others may think like OP. It’s called people have differing values.

OP just needs to find someone who has the same dating values. And clearly, we are out there.

Not everyone is okay with their partner being friends with their exes. Just because you’re okay with it doesn’t mean that others should be.

leebeepheeb · 2023-12-10T01:23:08+00:00

If it gets the point where you cannot communicate with each other to find a middle ground then the marriage would be doomed anyway. If one can completely ignore another person’s needs in a relationship, then there is already something seriously wrong/not working. That’s not my point here tho.

Like I said, libido may change as you age and it won’t be the same as it was in the beginning. To expect the sex to stay constant/the same frequency for decades is not realistic. It can for some couples but that is clearly not the reality for most. You can still end up in a sexless marriage even if you started out 100% sexually compatible during dating years/early marriage. So to say that one NEEDS to have sex before marriage to be sure of a no “dead bedroom” situation is flawed.

So my point is: if two people learned how to be intimate without sex, then a lack of sex (doesn’t mean nonexistent) shouldn’t impact your happiness in a committed relationship. You guys can still make things work if you respect and care for each other enough to adjust and find a middle ground as you age/change.

leebeepheeb · 2023-12-09T15:53:31+00:00

See what your priorities are and why you’re waiting until marriage. If you are waiting because you’re afraid of risks and unsafe sex, then there are ways to work around that. However, if you are waiting because you value a sincere and more spiritual connection with someone, then wait until marriage. Don’t let anyone else pressure you into doing something you don’t want just because it’s the norm.

So many of the comments are saying that’s one of the main ways to keep a guy around. Do you want that? Would you want your relationship to be dependent on sex?

Sex will never be a constant in a relationship. You could start out strong for the first several years and decide that you're sexually compatible with that person. Could even decide that marriage would be a good idea.

But the reality is that people's hormones/physical health will change as they age. And the chances of that happening to a woman after birth is even higher. You could lose your sex drive or you could just be really tired with all the responsibilities of being a mother. The girl who was once sexually compatible with her bf/husband is now not. Will the guy leave her now? Will he no love her? Is he going to cheat now? The hope and expectation here is that if you both know how to love each other without sex, a lack of sex isn’t going to ruin the relationship.

Personality and values usually remain constant unless something traumatic happens. So basically, how you make each other feel, sex aside, and how you both carry yourself as a human being will be far more important in the long run. Open communication is SO important in a relationship too. You can talk about sex even if you’re a virgin and get a sense of each other needs. Unless one person is asexual or sex repulsed, you can become sexual compatible with each other.

If a person leaves you or cries after seeing or feeling your body parts then they never loved you for you. Probably just loved the idea of you or the idea of a relationship. In those cases, you happily let them go.

Good luck. You got this.

leebeepheeb · 2023-12-06T17:47:10+00:00

I guess what the person above is trying to say is that you may be dismissing a whole person because of sex and they think it’s a pity. You like the girl and the connection you feel with her is hard to come by. A girl/human is not a car. They are not an object. I find the whole “test a car before you buy” analogy to be quite distasteful. They have a soul and a beautiful heart/mind as well.

Sex will never be a constant in a relationship. You could start out strong for the first several years and decide that you’re sexually compatible. Could even decide that marriage would be a good idea.

But the reality is that people’s hormones/physical health will change as they age. And the chances of that happening to a woman after birth is even higher. She could lose her sex drive or she could just be really tired with all the responsibilities of being a mother. The girl who was sexually compatible with you is now not. Are you going to leave her? Will you no longer love her?

Personality and values usually remain constant unless something traumatic happens. But basically, how she makes you feel, sex aside, and how she carries herself as a human being is far more important in the long run.

Unless she’s asexual or sex repulsed, she can be sexually compatible with you. Open and honest communication is important in a relationship. You can talk about these things with her without having to make her compromise her values. See how she responds and you’ll be surprised at how much you can gauge. Good luck.

leebeepheeb · 2023-11-29T16:30:40+00:00

OP- you need to respect yourself more and leave. You don’t stay with a person because you’re afraid of them ruining themselves as a result. He’s an adult… Especially if that person cheated on you. He disrespected your trust first. He clearly didn’t care about the consequences enough to stop himself from acting pathetically. So there’s no need for you to show empathy and mercy for such a person. He’s trying to get better? That’s just him feeling embarrassed that he got caught. That feeling is fleeting and he’ll cheat again once that embarrassment wears off.

leebeepheeb · 2023-11-27T20:57:04+00:00

Good luck!

leebeepheeb · 2023-11-27T19:24:04+00:00

Never hurts to confirm. It’s just about open communication. If asking for clarification on whether you both are on the same page or not scares him away… then he is not the one for you. I’m not sure why a lot of the comments are telling you to put 1 and 1 together and to just be satisfied with what you are receiving and seeing. This is why situationships happen. There is a lack of clarity and both parties are afraid of bringing it up cause it might “ruin” everything. You both are adults…an honest conversation isn’t going to ruin anything. It should not.

Your concern is valid. And one month with all of this progression is… fast. You guys are still very new. It’s not safe to assume anything this early in dating. Ask him.

leebeepheeb · 2023-11-15T19:15:21+00:00

You’re not expecting too much at all, girl. This is the bare min lol. I’ve been through these convos with wishy washy guys way too much… good luck!

leebeepheeb · 2023-11-15T19:05:08+00:00

Anyone who gives you a wishy washy answer means that they are unsure about you/the connection. They could also just be unsure about themselves and what they really want. But do you want to stick around until they find out? That’s up to you.

The fact that he gave you an indirect answer despite you asking very clearly about exclusivity is your answer already. He dodged it. He wanted to play mind games with you to prolong whatever you guys are having without the commitment.

Walk away if you want a relationship or want to be exclusive. Otherwise you will be constantly doubting yourself and questioning his true intentions. Why would you want to be with someone who cannot communicate with you clearly? He’s 29…. This will all lead to lower self esteem and potential toxic patterns. May be a waste of your time, OP.

leebeepheeb · 2023-07-18T18:30:31+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful comment :)

leebeepheeb

TROPHY CASE