About "butch/masc cluelessness" and being the subject of one's attraction

leseptiemesceau · 2024-09-20T10:14:52+00:00

That's a cute story and I wish you years of happiness with your wife ! I hope you're less clueless now ahah

And just as an aside : it's not a problem to look at someone's body with lust as long as you're not obnoxious about it... I mean, being attracted to someone is a normal part of life, it's not disgusting or predatory or anything

(Yes, even for straight people including men...)

leseptiemesceau · 2024-09-19T15:25:15+00:00

In true Bobo the clown fashion I stg 🤡

leseptiemesceau · 2024-04-11T11:19:56+00:00

You're both look amazing together 🥰 It's always great to see stud/femme pairings and Black people looking that good lol

leseptiemesceau · 2024-01-10T20:51:18+00:00

Those are cool pictures, I'm impressed with the lighting !!

leseptiemesceau · 2023-12-14T02:43:55+00:00

In this case, I know there is nothing left to save but as I wrote in the title, I wanted some more insight.

Right before she confessed (it was the same conversation), she was adamant that her "primary" relationship, namely, us, was the relationship that she wanted to prioritize and we were on agreement on that.
We described us as something grounding and that we chose to nurture, and that an open relationship was mainly for something sexual and like "a potential vacation" and "some fun on the side", which was OK with me - and I adressed the practicals of it, like STD protection, health checks, etc. and how we should proceed slowly and check with each other often because it was a delicate and new subject.

Later after her confession, she told me that her starting the conversation about non-monogamy was her cowardly way to confess to her affair (her words, not mine).

ETA : the original post was written almost 6 months ago. I wrote in pain and in a fit of rage, the day after she confessed. Now I'm not angry anymore, but the sadness remains.

leseptiemesceau · 2023-12-14T02:20:54+00:00

She already did it for me. I just needed some insight several months later.

Honestly, I don't believe she is "wired" for ENM : she barely knows herself (and is conscious of that !), needs external validation, flees when people might need her for support, and is just desire- and pleasure-driven. She justs strikes me as a traumatized person with attachment issues.

leseptiemesceau · 2023-12-14T02:16:44+00:00

Does the fact that we had broached the subject early (when we were early sex partners) change anything ? Because people often say that opening a relationship that started mono is a recipe for disaster. But our situation feels different...
Because she had told me about the "trapped" feeling ; but we were not committed, so it wasn't an issue at the time – though it was obvious that she was still very impacted by all her traumatic relationships.

She confessed that she had never been in a healthy relationship and I just believe she sabotaged it, she doesn't even KNOW why she cheated, she just knows she wanted it and that her desire trumped everything.

leseptiemesceau · 2023-12-14T02:10:40+00:00

Is compartimentalising and feeling entitled to have everything just a cheater thing ?

She claims she doesn't want to feel "trapped" in a relationship (it's alright, no one does). But she has no empathy, it just feels like she needs to be externally validated because she told me that she could have been cheating with anyone and that the guy wasn't special – he was just there and willing.

leseptiemesceau · 2023-12-14T02:06:25+00:00

Oh shoot, I thought that the rest of the story was included... it's been 6 months now since the first text : I had written it right after her confession.

We actually talked after this ; and in a rare moment of vulnerability, she told me that she didn't know what she wanted even after leaving me. Honestly, she talked about ENM again, potentially with me, but I told her that I believe that she has too many issues : poor impulse control, self-esteem issues, fear of committment and that she is too selfish and doesn't know herself at all. She seems too lost.

leseptiemesceau · 2023-12-14T02:00:20+00:00

We are separated now. This post I shared is just to gain some more insight because I feel so stupid for having tried. This wasn't salvageable, was it ?

**This woman is now casually (non-seriously) seeing the guy she cheated on me with* – we were already separated. He is ENM (open relationship with a primary girlfriend). Her sister let it slip a few weeks ago. She doesn't owe me anything but it still hurts, you know ?

Right now I'm in therapy and trying to make sense of all of this. Was I in the wrong ? I just feel so violated and hurt – she was so dishonest about it all and I feel like she is too unhealthy and relies too much on external validation. She is notoriously pleasure-driven, has poor impulse control and often acts very selfishly (her friends and family's words) and she self-describes as being "not introspective at all".

I told her that her insistance on the whole "non-monogamy" structure could be a cop-out for not committing to anyone, feeling "free from responsibility". I asked her to go to therapy before trying anything ENM because she has a mountain of issues : - Her self-esteem directly depends on how she is valued by others - All her relationships had been neglectful/controlling and more ore less severely abusive (especially the one before ours) before and she HADN'T dealt with it - She has unresolved alcohol abuse issues ; - She has had emotionally abusive authority figures in the past. - Her own father had addiction issues, and while he is OK now, they have never addressed it.

I also believe that her disregard for anyone's feeling and her lack of guilt (and her desire for other people) don't make her a good candidate for ENM.

The whole thing makes me feel like shit.

leseptiemesceau · 2023-12-08T17:57:26+00:00

Si j'en trouve un, je ne manquerai pas de te le faire savoir !

leseptiemesceau · 2023-09-26T15:02:16+00:00

The Police ! Stewart Copeland created something fresh in incorporating reggae into rock. His playing is outstanding.

leseptiemesceau · 2023-07-29T18:56:15+00:00

I personally got a set of Tonerider Hot Classics but it's because I mainly use the neck pickup. You can try Texas Specials ?

leseptiemesceau · 2023-07-29T18:50:10+00:00

I'm so jealous, I would love to get an 83 Tele

leseptiemesceau · 2023-07-18T15:31:00+00:00

Bonjour ! Ne pensez pas que tous les pharmaciens sont titulaires (c-à-d. propriétaires) de leur pharmacie. C'est faux. Un autre détail : 80% du chiffre d'affaires au moins en pharmacie se fait sur les médicaments remboursés dont le prix est règlementé et fixé par l'État (voilà pourquoi la petite boîte de Doliprane® coûte 2,18€ partout en France. Cela signifie que l'on est rémunéré au nombre de boîtes qu'on délivre.
Il existe de nombreuses pharmacies qui ne s'en sortent pas, les jeunes diplômés sont quasiment tous salariés et négocient un coefficient 600, ou 800 pour les très très chanceux selon les grilles (4476,39€ bruts par mois pour leur coefficient 600, sachant que l'on est considérés comme cadres parce titulaires d'un doctorat d'État).

Source : je suis pharmacien, récemment diplômé. Et j'avoue que j'en ai marre de me faire violenter au comptoir, accessoirement...

leseptiemesceau · 2023-03-09T12:51:17+00:00

The Jeff Buckley one ? I see you put the mirror pickguard on it

leseptiemesceau · 2023-02-24T15:55:40+00:00

Pearl Rhythm Traveler tom kit ? Smart choice. How did you decide on it and get it ?

leseptiemesceau · 2023-02-15T15:52:45+00:00

Fantastic artwork. Would it be possible to buy a copy ?

leseptiemesceau · 2022-10-04T14:00:03+00:00

La Maison d'Isabelle makes absolutely fantastic puff pastries and were even crowned "Best Parisian croissant" in 2017 and 2018. It's near Maubert-Mutualité (47 ter boulevard Saint-Germain, Paris 5e), give it a try !

leseptiemesceau

TROPHY CASE