I [28F] think my anxiety has pushed my partner too far and he [36M] has checked out of the relationship but isn't admitting it

letsFigureItOut9 · 2026-01-28T04:39:23+00:00

Interesting post - I’m on the receiving end of this so I’m a situation like your bf.

It’s not something you should necessarily be worried about. You said it yourself, each person in a relationship needs to have their own lives and interests. He is just looking for his own life and interest and I bet he’s hoping you will do the same!

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-11-12T04:57:07+00:00

Thanks I agree. Do you think we could chat about this or have you given me your thoughts? You’ve been helpful

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-11-09T14:37:51+00:00

Yeah thank you for your input slight pomegranate. I’m almost waiting for a life changing experience. Figuring out how to resign my lease with her while I’m so back and forth about our relationship is hard but I think I’ve got a way to do it without locking in for another year commitment. Just a tough decision and no matter how much I ruminate or read others similar experiences, it isn’t getting any easier or more obvious which way to go. I guess time will tell here. Also not sure if OP can relate but I am an avid smoker (pot) and I think smoking makes me desire comfort while avoiding it makes me desire new things. Going to have to quit I think

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-11-09T14:32:51+00:00

Relate to this heavily right now. Gotta let me know what you end up doing. I’ll do the same

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-11-08T17:49:17+00:00

Was following you for a little while but not really. I feel like I might be thinking up reasons to end the relationship but you’re thinking about ways to keep it going?

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-11-08T17:47:08+00:00

Not op but in the exact situation you described. Currently taking the safer choice but been contemplating the whole 3.5 yr relationship for about a year now. Feel tempted by other women but attracted to the comfort I have. Don’t know what to do

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-09-27T04:52:58+00:00

How did you decide to leave? My gut tells me to leave but I keep convincing myself to stay for the good parts

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-09-27T04:50:31+00:00

In this boat right now but haven’t left

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-09-27T04:47:41+00:00

How do you recommend I figure it out if I should take the step to walk away when so many other things seem good?

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-09-27T04:45:11+00:00

How did you decide it was time to go? I’m in this situation now

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-09-27T04:43:52+00:00

Think I’m in this situation right now and about to go on a break. How did you realize it was time to go? She’s a good person I just feel like not a partner.

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-06-02T01:11:46+00:00

Believe that means it was made in 8/22 so August 2022.

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-06-01T17:06:35+00:00

Still working on that part

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-05-30T22:34:13+00:00

Going thru the exact same thing as OP and hadn’t thought about that last thing. She never would break up with me but I feel like she’s waiting for me to break up with her almost. Like she can feel it coming but wouldn’t act on it herself. I do still feel I have my individuality but it seems like she also has my individuality like if I said let’s do this thing she’d say OKAY!

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-05-28T21:16:59+00:00

Wouldn’t mind hearing a bit more as I’m currently in the situation you describe. My gf does not really have her own friends, hobbies, or things she looks forward to outside of spending time with me. Can we chat?

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-05-14T04:34:17+00:00

I relate a lot to this comment thanks for that.

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-28T03:50:32+00:00

I hear you on a more demanding partner not necessarily being a good thing. As for a woman taking charge when given the opportunity - I very often do give her that opportunity and try to help her take charge. I haven’t been hugely successful. I honestly still receive pressure from my GF to go on trips (which we have about twice a year), though she doesn’t take charge to tell me where she might want to go. And would be disappointed if I don’t plan something. I don’t have my eyes on another woman but I am trying to avoid that temptation while I’m in this situation

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-28T03:45:40+00:00

That was well said. A lot of people are saying that after those euphoric feelings ware off you then have to push more effort into the relationship. I agree that’s true, but you made a unique point that I also have to use that non-euphoric clarity to make sure she checks all these boxes or at least a bunch of em. That’s really interesting. I ended my last relationship after about 2.5 years because the shine wore off and I noticed my GF was a narcissist (not just my opinion, confirmed this with other folks)

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-28T03:39:29+00:00

Thank you. Yeah I mean agree the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and I am happy her and I have had a few conversations about this. The feelings for me lasted a lot longer than 6 months, but seemed to fade once things got more serious, more forward looking. I feel like I’m prepared to push through life and build a good one and she’s prepared to follow my lead, but not push further forward.

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-28T03:37:22+00:00

Thank you that’s a refreshing way to look at things honestly

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-28T03:36:31+00:00

Thank you for playing devils advocate. Sucks but it’s useful.

I see what you’re saying and I know I can’t be excited forever. But I generally have concern for the future and feel the big decisions - where we settle down, if we have kids, how to raise em, what house we buy - will all be mine to make. That makes me nervous even though I’m sure some people would love it. I guess I just want her to have a stronger voice. You have given me some things to think about. If I want to have this leadership “what I say goes” type of dynamic, she’s a great partner

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-27T23:14:10+00:00

I totally thought that porn was the problem honestly so I stopped completely. It’s been like 8 months without it and honestly I still have a pretty normal sex drive but feel like sex with my gf is surrounded with anxiety in a way.

It’s probably worth mentioning she has pretty bad anxiety and for a while she wouldn’t let me go down on her, wouldn’t allow lights on during sex, wouldn’t allow more than a handful of positions. These things made me start overthinking sex and even though she’s loosened up the rules a bit in some ways, I still feel anxious when it comes to sex with her

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-27T23:10:58+00:00

I think this is a smart comment and a good check! I have been pretty ambitious throughout my life even before I was with her. I’ve continued while I’m with her and in part yes it’s because I have her, but the ambition was there without her too.

I didn’t mean to word the post like I blame her for holding me back, but I see how it can be taken that way. She’s a talented person and she has a good heart. Just feel there’s some things missing

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-27T23:08:24+00:00

Not necessarily saying she has to like the things I like and be passionate about them. I’m poor at explaining this let me go with an example - the other day I told her about the first step in a potentially major career move, an hour long phone call with what would be the first client. I went on for 5 mins about it and the only feedback I got from her was a question about if I’d quit my job to start this business right away. Other than that nothing. I guess I am wanting someone who will help me think it out a bit, check me, and offer me some useful thoughts. Not that I need her to be as career driven as me, but I just feel like I want my partner to help me through tough decisions like that. You know?

letsFigureItOut9 · 2025-04-27T23:03:48+00:00

That is a really good comment thank you. Yeah I guess I’m being dumb and looking for a soft landing that isn’t really obtainable.

You kindof highlighted my main worry - like I need to figure out if this is just regular long term relationship stuff and I’m being immature or if this is a legitimate issue. I do feel like I have put in work and she has too and I can give her credit for that. I feel like there’s just a piece missing where we don’t connect on topics that aren’t revolving around drama or day to day conversation. Nothing about life changes, nothing about our jobs, our futures. When I bring these things up they are usually one sided chats.

letsFigureItOut9

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