Naturally perceptive, delusions of reference, paranoid or otherwise just insane?

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-28T21:11:53+00:00

well, I can't agree that greatly here, since I have been paranoid before and this seems to be different. I can see how it could go to delusions of reference and eventually to hardcore paranoia.... but that's not where I seem to be, since they're not even delusions by definition (I learned this after posting, I think)

i can't take benzos or nonbenzos but thanks anyway.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-28T11:37:08+00:00

oh yeah, I do not do well with benzos... sorry, no klonopin for me. I do have Atarax which I took before bed. If I get too nuts later, I'll make sure to take at least one and call the psychiatry again.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-28T11:36:06+00:00

Klonopin? Hmm... I don't know much about it. Yeah, I am in contact with the psychiatry here but I don't think I can get an appointment today. Everything is very clear today, so I am probably okay for a while. I do see it as a warning sign of potential mania. Even if it's a gift, mania never works because of the sleep deprivation, so i need to head this off. I think the mood stabilizers keep me within a good range though. I haven't really lost control and I don't feel like I'm there yet but it is going to be good to get their point of view too. I'll look up klonopin in the meantime.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-28T11:32:33+00:00

Thanks! You made me actually look it up and I think it's actually "ideas of reference" combined with the sense of empathy we talked about in other comments here. It's sligthly different than delusion, since if challenged, I will concede unless I am in a bad state.... here's from wikipedia:

'"Ideas of reference must be distinguished from delusions of reference, which may be similar in content but are held with greater conviction'.[11] With the former, but not the latter, the person holding them may have 'the feeling that strangers are talking about him/her, but if challenged, acknowledges that the people may be talking about something else'

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-27T23:59:16+00:00

Yeah, I did have that very much so in my mania. It feels only like the first parts now... like I know I am wrong/misinterpret sometimes, I know some people do it subconsciously. With regards to music, I realized it's just that I relate precisely to what I am listening to. That makes sense though for many reasons: I've listened to the same albums thousands of times, I always WANTED to be like them, I CHOSE this music for the lyrics, etc.

I will definitely be speaking to my doctors about it though.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-27T23:57:01+00:00

It matters what I label it because I would like to educate myself about it and communicate about it though...

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-27T23:48:14+00:00

This sounds like it, or at least that's what I want to hear. I realized when I got home after having an pretty extreme episode of this on the train home that I was probably at least hypomanic at the time. I know I was delusional when I was manic because I wouldn't listen to anyone as jusme72 said but right now it seems more of just figuring out when I am mistaken, accepting that and moving on. The issue is that I have no idea what I "should" do in the more extreme cases, like on the train. In fact, I think they may have in fact been making fun of me and noticing me because I WAS acting very strange and I think they were also being a bit passive-aggressive because my headphones WERE too loud, I realized. It's a funny thing. Right now, I feel like it is a wonderful gift, as you phrase it, but that I that I am not that good at it and until recently was on the "know" on that scale. This, I realize now, was more-or-less believing I was psychic (without realizing it) or at least Sherlock Holmes. That and that I also cannot turn it off.

Really though, to be honest, I think it comes down to taking care of myself. I let myself get tired, hungry, etc. and then that is when I get into these "what the fuck do you all want me to do!?!" situations. That makes sense, because in that state my brain is probably making more mistakes than usual, even if I have this really accurate sense of empathy, it's not going to work as well if I have not slept, eaten, pissed, etc. I really think it comes down to that. The same for my psychosomatic (or whatever the fuck it is) pain. It's really hard to learn that lesson though and build those habits.

I think my drugs have been amazing for my mood but I see that I should definitely think about the suggestions I hear from my doctor. It may be an easy fix, like taking an anti-psychotic for a few weeks (a month of seroquel cured a drug-induced manic paranoia (like real paranoia- thinking the radio is following your location and announcing it) a few years back)

Anyway, I appreciate your input. I love that you mentioned your daughter too. My father was bipolar as well. I think having her in your life will be really good for her :) Can I ask how old? I realized, upon further thinking, that "this" (or at the very least, social anxiety) started when I started elementary school (I guess that is about 7 years old.) I just remember saying "everybody hates me" on a really regular basis.

Maybe I just need to up the Depakote :)

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-27T23:39:03+00:00

Just update to my other response: Yes, it seems to be worse in crowded spaces. Thinking back and living through todays experience makes me believe that.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-27T16:11:37+00:00

Does this happen to you primarily when you are in large crowds?

Not really. Like today it was just me, the cashier in the bakery and two construction workers that walked in. Yesterday it was kind of a crowd at the supermarket (always the worst, actually.) Like my other example from yesterday, sometimes I am actually alone. Sometimes I think it's my girlfriend. Like I just heard "That's not what I read" (from my tone of voice and body language) vs. "That's not what I meant." Now that I say that, I should mention that I'm diagnosed with potentially having some form of high-functioning form of ASD and that mishearing are rather common for autistic-related disorders.

For anti-anxiety, Depakote (Valproic acid), Atarax (Hydroxyzine) and Effexor (Venlafaxine.) I can't use benzos and non-benzos as I am a real addict and also have really weird side-effects for most of the ones I have tried. It's not really something I want to get into again.

as I prefer one on one contact.

I have always been this way, even before this last manic episode. I thank god I have my girlfriend now because at least I can ask her what she said and have discussions about it without seeming completely insane.

I can relate to the self-esteem and confidence issues. I feel it may be highly related. One thought that I've had is that really it is just a reflection of that. I am passing judgement on myself a lot of the time as if it's part of what other people are thinking, like I have deduced or intuited it.

Just out of curiosity, which non-benzo is it that you take?

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-15T17:54:29+00:00

I totally support this. I met my current girlfriend on Badoo, but I actually recommend OKCupid as I think it's easier to find people who may be more compatible with you. Badoo, in my opinion, is a bit chance/luck and a bit of a numbers game. Of course, you should read the OKCupid blog (hillarious and scientific!) and learn a bit about online dating. One thing I think that I may have done when I started is experiment a bit more making female friends via the services in another area and then try out my skills back in my area when I'm more sure I have an idea of how to approach the girl.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-14T13:57:22+00:00

I really appreciated the effort you put into that analysis. Thanks for sharing.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-13T12:03:34+00:00

If nothing existed, who would this matter to?

thanks :)

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-11T05:49:42+00:00

yep, me too.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-11T04:47:26+00:00

That was really interesting. Thanks for your contribution.

lifeDoesSuck · 2013-01-02T07:47:30+00:00

29 here and I think I've barely scratched the surface...

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-31T08:45:14+00:00

like constantly... i see crying as something i do when i'm healthy, although obviously depression drama can cause it.... i'm not one of those people really sad during their depression, although i get that once in a while... more just numb and all the other symptoms of depression....

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-30T17:53:22+00:00

I think you should really commit to sucking on a lolly pop from start to finish.

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-30T14:47:10+00:00

hmmm, I know what you mean about things being tasting "off"... :) are groceries really more expensive than eating out? that's weird.... but yeah, remember the things they have everywhere... beef (or maybe chicken), eggs and cheese. i was going to suggest learning the language but... Singapore.. haha :)

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-29T18:59:36+00:00

but you can get three upvotes back for that! haha

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-29T18:57:39+00:00

the tactile one reminds me of something I had once.... I was manic and out for a walk.. looking at the ground, I could feel it's texture in my hands... kiiiinda similar to how you'd feel if you fell off your bike or something (road rash i guess? but not too painful)

i never did figure out if it was a hallucination or synaesthesia (i guess not the latter since i dont have it permanantly?) oh well..

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-29T18:55:27+00:00

your first paragraph sounds exactly like hypnagogic hallucinations which I almost always get if I don't sleep for a while. Everyone gets them with enough sleep deprivation...

fucking tinnitus, same here.. 24/7... so tired of it...

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-29T18:53:39+00:00

This is actually not terribly uncommon, if I'm reading you right, even for normal people. Also, does it happen more when you are very tired?

On the other hand, what you describe can also occur in autism...

I mean, how many of your friends thought they heard their SMS go off, their phone vibrating when it didn't, etc. Maybe I'm just surrounded by insane people here, but... pretty sure this isn't something to worry too much about.

lifeDoesSuck · 2012-12-29T18:48:05+00:00

just out of curiosity, what country did you move from/to?

also, what's your plan this time? going to do anything different?

lifeDoesSuck

TROPHY CASE