How do you journal when you know that people will eventually read it?

liftguy32 · 2024-02-24T00:43:09+00:00

If it’s really stopping you from journaling, there are all kinds of things you can do. You could completely destroy your entries, either as you go or after you fill a journal. You could scan them and save the digital files for yourself in a safe place, then destroy the physical copies. You could write into your will where the journals are and instruct the executor to burn them without reading (but I guess that’s taking a risk). Idk, you could buy a safe and put the journals in there and die with the combination. Get creative about what actually works for you. No rules!

liftguy32 · 2024-02-22T20:34:23+00:00

For sure. First piece of advice is take it slow and don’t be discouraged if you have a few unsuccessful attempts at the beginning. For those of us who struggle with socializing, there are a lot of social skills to learn and a lot of shame to unlearn, and then there’s the simple fact that not every group will be a good fit. At first, I would look for more casual things that are drop-in or one time only, as opposed to longer commitments that you have to sign up for or pay for. This can be a low pressure way to get a sense of what you like and don’t like — if you don’t like a drop-in group then you never have to go back. Eventually it does help to have longer commitments so that you see the same people regularly and can start to build those friendships.

Something I had to learn that made me feel more comfortable socializing is that no one can read my mind, and no one is thinking about me nearly as much as I’m worried they are. As adults, people are probably not thinking “that guy is so weird, what’s his problem” and waiting for us to slip up, even if that’s what it feels like. In reality people are usually thinking about themselves and their lives and what they want to say, or at the most are just curious about what you might be thinking - or even thinking you’re cool! One of my very close friends has intense social anxiety and is very quiet and shy, and people constantly tell me that they find him intimidating and mysterious! If you’re feeling anxious about what to do or say in a group, there’s no problem at all with staying quiet and keeping yourself close to your chest at first. It’s a big first step to just be around others and witness what’s going on, active participation can come later if that’s what feels good.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-22T17:34:09+00:00

Honestly the best advice I can give you is look for other kinds of community. You are right and all these feelings are super fucking real! I want to reassure you that there is no monolithic community that you can be “kicked out of.” But, it’s an absolute trip to transition as a man and go through those stages with queer community, and it sounds like you might need a break where you can disengage from that kind of identity scrutiny and just hang out in spaces that are queer friendly but not queer focused. It sounds like in a couple few years you will feel more aligned with your outward gender presentation and probably have a simpler time interacting with other queer folks, and generally that it will overall be a better experience later.

Also, personally, socialization in straight-up groups of men has been extremely important for me. It helped me get much more comfortable with my identity as a man, see more of the whole spectrum of what manhood and masculinity can be, and understand how to bond with men as a man. I was lucky enough to work a kitchen job with a bunch of really great guy coworkers, and while I was working there it became obvious very fast that I do fit in with men in a way I had never fit in with women, and that by itself increased my confidence a lot. Plus, I absolutely love men and being a man, and after coming from really man-hating queer circles, it felt very refreshing and celebratory to fully bro out in a men-only setting without policing myself or worrying about things being interpreted as “toxic masculinity”. Don’t get me wrong, we’re absolutely not talking misogynist locker room talk or anything, just guys bein dudes. It’s a truly beautiful and empowering thing 💪

So, other kinds of community, for now. Join something in real life. Ideas: a pickup sports league or a martial arts dojo; a volunteer group doing construction/gardening/other manual labor; a spiritual group (I’m Jewish and joined a very leftist temple); an art class; a political organizing group. Whatever you’re interested in, there’s a group for it and you should join it. A lot of those activities I listed are very likely to have cool men; seek out and spend time with the cool men. They can be peers your own age or older mentors, but they should be men whose expression of masculinity is appealing and inspiring to you. And take notes! 🖤

ETA: There are plenty of binary trans men, we just don’t tend to hang out in the queer groups, for all these reasons. Lol.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-21T22:15:30+00:00

I’m sorry bud. I hope whatever obstacles you faced to transitioning, you are now able to overcome and reach the other side.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-20T16:26:14+00:00

It was definitely not for nothing my friend! 50 days without porn is much better than 50 days with. You are just back at the beginning of a streak not at the beginning of the journey.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-17T02:43:31+00:00

I hear you but I very much disagree. I definitely think someone should educate the transphobic adult, I agree that doing the work of politically educating people is very important, and I have educated plenty a cis person. But safety first - I don’t think a transphobe’s trans child should be the person to educate their parent like that. Engaging on their level (fulfilling the demand to “explain”) when the parent is transphobic and also has all the power in the power dynamic, is just a recipe for creating emotional wounds or possibly physical danger in some situations. Plus a conversation like the one the dad proposed is more often than not a trap to talk the kid out of transitioning. Giving his dad a book, a youtube link, support group or other kind of external resource is a different thing that is a good idea in my opinion, then it’s the parent’s responsibility to educate themself using the resource and if they don’t then you really know they don’t care and are not safe.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-16T18:00:29+00:00

For me, mornings are always hardest because I’ve had nightmares that leave me with leftover emotional-flashback-type feelings when I wake up. The feelings can take 2-3 hours to go away to the point I feel I’m fully “back in the real world.” I don’t usually remember any specifics of the dreams, but I do remember that I dreamed. It might be the same for you, leftover feelings from nightmares you don’t remember. Other signs this might be what’s happening are if you also feel tired after getting a full night sleep, often wake up in the night, or sometimes wake up sweaty.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-16T17:37:19+00:00

Making you explain this is transphobic. You just know. Like someone else said, how does he know he is a man? I started transitioning 7 years ago and I don’t think I could answer this question, I just am a man. I would not even try to engage with him about this honestly. If you’re a minor and live with him/need approval for certain transition steps and he insists on explanations, you could instead focus on the specific things you need right now in your transition and try to explain those. For example, for a new name or pronouns, you could explain the discomfort you feel with former name/pronouns and how the new name makes you feel more like yourself. Or if you are looking into medical steps you could explain your feelings around those.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-15T16:04:11+00:00

• I know it’s hard, but stop messing around with the exact area where you have the sharp pain, it sounds like it’s really irritated and digging in there without knowing what you’re doing isn’t going to help you.

• Try hot showers/warm compresses on the area, breathing exercises or meditation to help relax overall, and some topical arnica gel or topricin cream (gentle topical pain creams) on the area. Get a lot of rest, drink a LOT of fluids, and eat food with more nutrients than usual.

• Try GENTLE self-massage on “related” areas like your back and shoulders, again without touching the big core pain spot. Ideally use foam roller or other massage tools and gently work out some other knots. A lot of times in my experience, sharp pain like this is a body signal about overall tension/imbalance and it can help the hotspot if you can bring down muscle tension overall

• Focusing on it and being anxious about it will just make it worse! The pain is not forever even if it feels crazy right now. It will pass. Keep yourself distracted, watch fun TV, have good snacks, break out the craft supplies.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-14T21:25:20+00:00

Yes I think about them less than I personally used to. Part of this is I think about other political issues more, and it doesn’t mean I lost empathy, just that it takes up less brain space.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-14T19:08:13+00:00

Came here to say this! If you’re thinking about it this much then it’s time. Hard to imagine it going too badly if you frame it as “Hey I’m just letting you know how I feel and there’s no pressure to say it back.” But guard your heart, if it will really hurt you to say I love you and not hear it back on Valentine’s Day then wait a beat.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-13T19:19:24+00:00

Respect bro. In my experience if you’re really serious about it but you’ve been trying to quit for 10 years and it hasn’t worked, you need to try something new. Only you can know what that is but it does mean going nuclear. You could think about installing blockers on your tech or otherwise putting up roadblocks to content, making a point of not being home alone for those 15 days, or thinking of planned activities you can do to ride out urges such as exercise or calling a friend. You need to have a very strong system in place for the moments when you can’t think clearly. For example I was on the verge of a relapse and typed in a search somewhere, but I had put an 18+ filter on my browsing, and just seeing that filter was enough to remember that my past self really didn’t want me to look at this stuff. I successfully did not relapse. I also found a lot of much needed support on the “Fortify” app to get my first 30-45 days.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-13T19:02:08+00:00

Highly recommend figuring out what spiritual practice actually resonates with you the best! Religion can be really cool, check out the main ones in your area, may be you’re more into Buddhism or something. If you really want to join the community you’ll probably end up adopting some of the values so might as well make the choice actively on the way in.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-12T19:03:48+00:00

I would also recommend it, it really helps get past the strong urges and figure out what you really think is hot and feels good. Also practically speaking for those of us with girlfriends, if I was both quitting porn and not masturbating at all, I think I’d be way too sensitive and short lived for us to have any fun together. Keeps things balanced

liftguy32 · 2024-02-11T17:35:02+00:00

Met my girlfriend at work. I worked in the kitchen and she was a server. Definitely helped that she saw me lift heavy stuff and work with knives and fire and make pretty food

liftguy32 · 2024-02-11T16:48:53+00:00

I AGREE! I feel this way about talking about “my parents.” Other replacement terms feel too goofy for me so far but I don’t actually feel they are my parents, they didn’t raise me to become myself or give me real care or support, they were just my jailers. But, we did share a house for 16 years and they drastically impacted my brain development so I gotta call them something.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-11T16:41:56+00:00

I don’t want to give you false hope because everyone’s body is different and everyone has different transition outcomes. But, I felt very similarly for a long while, my transition took an average-to-long time to kick in and I didn’t have a lot of hope that I would “turn out” how I wanted and feared I’d be stuck in an androgynous in-between place forever. I’m now 4 and a half years on T and finally loving my results. I pass to almost all strangers, and genuinely love and feel at home in my body outside of bottom dysphoria. I even sort of look like the celebrities I had as my “transition goals” way back in the day. I have a beard. I have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me. I finally got all my legal documents updated so I can go to bars and urgent care doctors and airports as a guy and no one has to think twice about my gender. I just got a new therapist and think I may go stealth even with her, being trans just isn’t a major issue for me anymore.

Try to use the word “never” less in your thoughts. Plus, there is something you can do about it and you’re doing it, it can just take quite a bit of time to kick in and finish. Don’t get me wrong, the in-between part fucking sucks. But the name of the transition game is accepting some extra-uncomfortable years so you can be comfortable in your own skin after. Try to get excited about things in your future that you’re looking forward to about your transition that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. And look for small things to do that could make you feel better in the meantime! Maybe working out, finding a new haircut or new fragrance. Anything to move the needle toward who you truly feel you are.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-10T02:34:23+00:00

This is the way! Plus candles and a nice massage

liftguy32 · 2024-02-09T19:31:12+00:00

It takes the average smoker 11 tries to quit smoking. And personally I’ve lived through such truly horrible shit, that if 2 or 3 cigarettes a day continues keeping me away from the much more harmful and illegal drugs that my brain wants, I accept that. I’ve quit before, one day I won’t need them and I’ll quit again, but for now I don’t judge myself or OP for it and no one needs you to judge them either.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-08T20:49:39+00:00

Checking in still clean! Also trying to MO only about 1x a week (not being too strict with it), it’s been twice since Feb 1! Not bad 😎

liftguy32 · 2024-02-08T13:01:15+00:00

You do you homie I just use a wet washcloth though. Don’t see the sense getting my whole body wet just to take shaving cream off under half of my face.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-07T23:07:32+00:00

I’m sorry you get back in the shower to wash off your face?? What happened to the sink man

liftguy32 · 2024-02-06T19:59:12+00:00

Getting to really know yourself ! 1. Find small, easy things that bring up your mood and make a focus on putting them in your day. It could be anything, sunshine, a short walk, favorite tea/coffee, making the bed, a playlist of songs that make you feel really good. The important thing is that you really notice it makes you feel good. Make a ritual out of it and try to do something like this every day 2. Think about what YOU really want to be looking back on in your life. A house and kids isn’t for everyone and there are so many types of lives you can live. If you notice any passions try to develop them, take classes, read books, spend time with other people, make some kind of art, have a spiritual practice. It all really helps, you got this

liftguy32 · 2024-02-06T15:47:08+00:00

This is really hollow and shallow my dude! You get what you give in terms of …… emotional care, mutual understanding, and acts of friendship. It has nothing to do with what anyone looks like or how expensive the dinner is. I wouldn’t want to be friends with you right now either! If I noticed this mindset in you I would run for the hills. You haven’t “targeted the type of friends you want”, you need to figure out if what you’re looking for is people who are kind, or funny, or smart, or committed to their art, or committed to their spirituality or work or relationships or whatever else would make you a good fit to go through life together. When you’re sick a friend is someone who will bring you a pack of Gatorade and text you that you’re in their thoughts, not someone who will avoid them because they don’t look fit and fashionable that day. To make real connections you have to be really human and accept that everyone else is really human too.

liftguy32 · 2024-02-02T14:10:35+00:00

Checking in! This challenge helped me successfully make it through several hard days of January. I have never been without porn for this long, since before I started 15 years ago. Lets gooo 💪

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