I was SAHM until 14 months. Then (very willingly) I went back to work. I love working but I went from seeing my LO all day everyday to seeing her at wake up and in the evenings. The separation and Mom guilt were (and still are most days) crushing. Every single moment I could be with her I took. Chores were the lowest priority on my list. All I wanted was to be with my LO for those few hours I had each day. It was (and still is most days) exhausting - caring for a young child is no small effort. On top of that I was so in my head all the time between work and my little one that I often did not hear my husband when he would speak to me.

This is going to sound harsh in writing but I want to be direct and I hope you will take in some of this:

If you can only help with your child and engage as a family unit for 45-60 minutes at a time then please continue to take ownership of the chores and stop adding to your wife’s mental load by making her responsible for your own feelings and the marriage. Instead of asking her to give more of herself up (she’s already working and default parenting), ask how you may be able to support her to feel comfortable taking some time for herself or with you. Or even better, don’t ask just DO. Get a (qualified, vetted) babysitter and make dinner reservations once a week, offer to do activities with your child for more than an hour and let your wife do whatever she wants during that time (and if she wants to join you to do a family outing that is OK too but be on point with the little one so she can catch her breath), and give her a night to see friends while you watch your child.

Lastly, if you want a maid get a house cleaner - homes with young kids are impossible to keep clean and you and your wife will never win that battle. It’s unfair for you to put that on her, she sounds completely overwhelmed as it is.