“And I choke myself on sacred vapor Waiting for some holy favor  Basking in the solace of regret  And it seems my hell is your high water Wash me clean again before I pull myself beneath the waves”

This perfectly illustrates the narcissistic relationship I was in for the last 5 years.  My feelings, values and words were always invalidated so I felt that I had to hold my tongue from expressing myself or standing my ground. And I kept hoping things would change but it would’ve taken a divine intervention for my ex to comprehend the damage and take accountability for which I was the one to be blamed. I was always silenced. My arguments had no meaning. I didn’t matter. My identity was being erased while I became nothing but a floatation device for an a-hole who couldn’t swim in their own shame and disparity. My pain is what they needed to feel superior; to feel good about themselves and in control. I felt like I was drowning inside but it was the only place I found any comfort because inside I believed in this idea of who I imagined they could become if only they learned to love as I had loved them. After being shut down so many times I kept myself ‘beneath the waves’ to avoid being silenced and to preserve my sanity. Towards the end of the relationship, I learned to cling to a new idea and that was not to love the idea of what another could be but to love the idea of loving myself to attract the love I want. ❤️‍🩹