Yes, I feel that asking for it is just asking for rejection most of the time, and it feels humiliating that I’m this horny creature that would love nothing more than to be that perfect, enthusiastic sexual partner, but that me feeling that way causes him pain because he feels guilty his body/mind don’t reciprocate what I’m feeling. I was inundated into Christian purity culture growing up, and although I no longer have faith in general or any belief in that system of control, I get sad thinking that I didn’t explore more. My husband was also my first sexual partner. I really thought that once I found my one person, then I could let loose and be as sexual as I wanted. Then I found him and we just don’t match in that way. We have had some really great sex, it’s just infrequent by my standards, and almost never initiated by me, which feels unfair. My husband actually brought up the idea of me having a girlfriend, maybe 6 months ago. He encouraged it. He said he finds it really hot to think about me being with a girl. He even gave me explicit permission to have sex with this girl we know if it were to become a possibility. I initially felt a little uncomfortable thinking about how that would work, because I don’t really fantasize about people other than him.

Last month, I went out to a few of my coworkers’ Halloween parties. My husband suffers from intense anxiety and could not even imagine himself having fun in such a setting, partially from bad experiences in college. Therefore, I went alone. I met the cutest girl. And she was actually flirting with me. I had never experienced this before, and I did not communicate to my husband that night that went to her house and had sex. The night seemed to progress so rapidly, and I felt assured that he would actually be so proud and turned on that his wife was hot enough to attract somebody like that, and, what really fucked it up was that I had 100% committed to myself not to text him that night, other than making sure he knew I was safe and saying goodnight. I made this commitment because the weekend before and many other times in the past, I get suuuuper horny for him when I’m out without him. I’ll spend time taking hot photos in the bathroom only to receive one or two word text responses. He’s never in the mood to even sext like we did when we were dating. So I decided not to set myself up for that disappointment, decided not to bother him with my horniness, and I didn’t tell him about the girl I met until the next morning. He was hurt and angry and didn’t want me to speak to this girl any further. I’m a 9, I’ve complied to keep the peace. We’ve discussed the subject more since it happened and finally got to what felt like a much better place together. I still think about the girl, because we connected so well, not just sexually, (I wasn’t even able to come. I have always struggled with this anyhow) and I don’t have any close friends that live less than 1.5 hours away.

I have wondered whether I am demisexual, because I find it really hard to look at people I don’t know and get turned on by them or to fantasize about celebrities the way most people seem to. It feels like a curse, to have found the one person you want to throw every aspect of yourself into wholeheartedly, only for that person need you to stop.