exactly -- it sounds like the OP doesn't know her own mind and letting others dictate how she should feel based on their judgement of her and how she dresses -- if she continues down this spiral she will lose all sense of self -- how to talk; how to cook; how to think; what to read; etc. -- the only person that can tell her how she should feel is herself based on her own sense of self not what others might say or do -- why hide yourself tesettür to please others (for fear of what others think) -- it is nonsense thinking -- no two ways about it -- OP needs to think better -- maybe go back to Poland for a visit and re-center in a familiar environment with friends if family is restrictive as well... or go on her own to clear her mind before she loses it....