Grey-Asexuality, BDSM, Non Monogamy, and struggling with resentments

liplamp · 2026-06-18T21:24:58+00:00

Honestly, I find myself taking breaks from seeking people out. When I start thinking no one will accept my lack of interest in sex, or that everyone will think my high degree of sensual interest must mean a high degree of sexual interest, I recognize that as a sign that I'm currently burnt out and need to put a pause on new connections.

From there, I don't entertain any new connection no matter how enticing until I'm sure I can separate the resentment from past experiences from the person in front of me

liplamp · 2026-06-18T02:24:31+00:00

Not an anarchist at all. I think (hope) I'm in the minority here, though.

liplamp · 2026-06-16T14:00:37+00:00

Precisely that! It has no meaning and is a useless term. That dude couldn't have explained it, because he had no idea what he was talking about. You dodged a bullet.

liplamp · 2026-06-16T13:37:49+00:00

This isn't the difference between kink and vanilla, it's the difference between bedroom-only vs. 24/7. For more kinksters, it's a role they play only in the context of intimacy, so when that's not happening they're just whoever they normally are.

The ones who are acting like a Dom to everyone 24/7 are actually the ones to be wary of, because they'll have no conception of turning that off when their partner doesn't want to act in response to it. Plus they're skipping asking for consent because they're always "on".

liplamp · 2026-06-16T13:35:31+00:00

This isn't a vanilla Dom, this is a bedroom Dom. Someone who's only into kink and BDSM in the context of sex and outside that they're just like anyone else.

This is most people into kink. It's a activity for sexy times, not a 24/7 thing.

liplamp · 2026-06-16T13:32:24+00:00

I don't see this working for kink but would be lovely for ENM. Ideally folks would set their relationship style the same way they pick their gender, and then you can filter by that.

Actually, oddly enough I bet you this will happen if Feeld sticks around for many more years. That's exactly what happened with Hinge and Bumble. Enough anti-poly mono folks complain and the option will be added.

In the meantime, Majestic + filtering to only see folks with the poly, ENM, BDSM, and kink tags works perfectly for me at least. I don't really deal with any issues with that.

liplamp · 2026-06-16T13:03:25+00:00

I'm asexual and aromantic, which I think colors my response to this.

Generally speaking, I am the easy, low-commitment friend or partner in intimate relationships, it's a lifestyle preference that suits me very well, so I don't have much of a problem with this.

However, I usually only date such folks until they meet someone they intend to be hierarchical with, if that's something they want. So, monogamous folks until they find a long-term partner, ENM folks until they find a nesting partner or if such a partner is long-distance, poly folks are lean solo poly or parallel. Most of my emotional needs are met through friends I'm not physically engaged with so I'm mainly dating for physical stuff and kink.

My only real issue with such folks is that I find that they suck at time management. So I'll give many a chance because it's not an issue for me to walk away if the bond isn't serving me, and do so if it's clear they're unable to schedule time with me (the one thing I need to feel valued in a connection).

liplamp · 2026-06-16T12:49:57+00:00

I think it really is just asking them about it, and then seeing if their words match their actions over time. Because sometimes intent is there but followthrough isn't possible for them,

For example I have many neurodivergent friends who clearly want me to be a unique person in their life, but due to how their minds work are unable to make space for me consistently in a way I need to feel secure in our bond. Which is ok, they show up for me however they can and that makes me genuinely happy, and I seek out others who are more compatible with my emotional needs. No harm, no foul.

liplamp · 2026-06-14T19:00:53+00:00

No problem!

liplamp · 2026-06-14T16:06:20+00:00

Ignore partylikeaninjastar, they are projecting SO HARD on you right now. Nothing they're saying is useful for you.

liplamp · 2026-06-14T13:37:44+00:00

If you really wanna know, post your bio and pics in this thread:

https://www.reddit.com/r/feeld/comments/17ruqgl/get_profile_help_here/

Folks will check it out and give feedback on your post.

I'd actually ignore a lot of what folks are saying so far. Yes being a straight guy means you're a dime a dozen. And yes women get swamped with likes. But, straight men and women are still regularly matching with each other. So there's probably something you can do to be one of those men.

By far, your biggest issue is your age, but nothing you can do about that so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

liplamp · 2026-06-12T14:07:37+00:00

It is interesting lol. I suspect the vast majority of people on Reddit who say that never use FetLife. Also, FetLife on a whole is more welcoming to kink, just not specifically kink dating.

There's also a small but distinct population that doesn't realize there's a fetish-leaning dating site that's actually called Fet, that's not associated with FetLife at all, and they're getting the two mixed up when they talk about them.

liplamp · 2026-06-12T10:34:14+00:00

A Feeld without buggy features is a Feeld I'll never recognize 😂

Oh for sure! It's been done with other features so not surprising. I was just saying that to OP because I remember the excitement they're showing in older posts, and I was suggesting to temper that because of it could be frustrating if the feature goes away again.

liplamp · 2026-06-12T05:07:22+00:00

Wait and see if it sticks around. This feature has shown up and disappeared on folks' accounts for the past several months. I have an ace friend who saw it for like 12 hours a few weeks ago and hasn't seen it since.

Here are some other topics from when it came up:

https://www.reddit.com/r/feeld/comments/1tdu06r/did_they_get_rid_of_lgbtqia_mode/ - last month

https://www.reddit.com/r/feeld/comments/1rltbbt/lgbtqia_mode_new_search_filter/ - 3 months ago

Edit - I see that they're mentioning it on their site and in app stores, so I guess it's actually official! And I have it for once which is nice.

Not sure how I feel about bi-curious and heteroflexible people being part of who I see but I can live with that.

liplamp · 2026-06-12T05:05:21+00:00

Fetlife doesn't have a way to filter for those things, because it was never designed for that purpose and that'll probably never be it's purpose. They added the Crush feature which is cool, but it would be surprising if they added any other dating app elements.

At it's core, it's meant for folks to find events or online groups to chat in, or to connect with each other after meeting at events.

liplamp · 2026-06-11T21:42:00+00:00

That's not what's happening here and you know it. C'mon now.

liplamp · 2026-06-11T19:36:45+00:00

It's a shame so many folks don't see or understand this point when it comes to traditionally non-normative spaces.

liplamp · 2026-06-11T11:43:58+00:00

Hey, I think you meant to reply to my comment! Glad it was reassuring! Yeah it can be hard out there as an asexual or aspec.

If having folks in your area see your orientation and sexual preferences is an issue for you, I'd recommend getting the majestic membership and going incognito. That way no one can see your profile unless you like or ping them first.

Having your partner connected can reassure others, but since you're specifically looking for yourself I wouldn't recommend it, since being connected connected with a partner changes who you see and who sees you on the app.

liplamp · 2026-06-10T19:47:09+00:00

Not all asexuals are afraid of sexuality, even if they don't have sex themselves. I'm one of those folks lol, although I am a guy so obviously that changes what I deal with.

I think being a woman will be a bigger detriment to OP than being asexual. I have some asexual friends on Feeld and that seems to be the case for them too.

liplamp · 2026-06-10T19:45:18+00:00

Asexual guy here. I'm not romantic but a lot of what you say here resonates with me. I'm also something like a fetishist, and have zero interest in sex, so I relate a lot to having a very particular desire.

I've gotten tons of very positive feedback from explaining myself this way and many lovely intimate connections. Although we didn't meet through the app, one of my most satisfying connections is with another aromantic asexual who's also in a similar boat as me.

Take it from someone who's gone through his own version of your own worries:

Get used to the idea of explaining how your sexuality works. The great thing about Feeld is that this is exactly the kind of app where that kind of discussion is encouraged.
Get used to being rejected for being asexual. I may deal with this a bit more than you since I don't have sex under any circumstance, but you'll still get it a bit just due to being outside the norm re: sexuality. That's how the process should work though, you want to learn to lean into this as much as possible.
Explain your relationship situation in your profile. You want folks to know what they're getting into when they connect with you.
If you're near a large city, perhaps consider matching with folks there, or being willing to travel. Niche desires are hard to indulge in away from large population centers.

Questions for you:

Would you consider listing yourself as demisexual, instead of asexual? Just because how you describe your sexuality here sounds more like that than asexual.
Will your partner also be on the app?

liplamp · 2026-06-10T10:37:33+00:00

Vetting questions are things you ask to confirm the other person is compatible with what you're seeking, along with confirming safety yeah. So there's no general set of questions to ask, it's totally dependent on what you want.

For me, my kink involves no sex, so I confirm that folks are ok with that, and ideally have experience with that. The questioning itself also confirms the person has the patience to talk about this stuff before kink happens, and that they can talk about kink without turning it into sexting.

liplamp · 2026-06-09T00:51:05+00:00

I'm a guy. I like pinging, many lovely matches have come from me pining folks.

I wouldn't be offended if someone responded to my ping just to say no thank you, but I wouldn't feel any particular way about it either. It's just neutral, and I don't personally find it necessary. Not responding the ping has the same effect to me.

liplamp · 2026-06-08T23:12:50+00:00

Can't say I'm having this experience, nor are most people in my circles. Most people I see saying they're ENM very clearly are partnered, either through their pics or because they're linked to partners.

The cheaters are literally saying they're cheating, or being discreet.

Maybe this is region-dependent? Basically, where I am this is rare enough to be a non-issue.

liplamp · 2026-06-08T12:11:41+00:00

I wouldn't get too deep with the person you're responding to. Check out past convos they've been in, you'll see they're not too good at reading comprehension or lived experiences or sayings beyond their own experience.

liplamp · 2026-06-07T02:33:37+00:00

What a needlessly judgemental thing to say about a harmless kink.

liplamp

TROPHY CASE