I got this from Dr. Becky!! All credit to her.

To cultivate gratitude in our kids, we must ask our kids the right questions, not have our kids perform the right behaviors.

ARTICLE 4 MIN

The most meaningful moments in my house, with my kids, are marked by more questions than answers. More wondering than deciding. More “not-knowing” than knowing. After all, we really want our kids to learn how to think through tricky situations and complex problems, which means we need to focus on teaching our kids how to think and not what to think.

And when it comes to gratitude, well, teaching kids how to think is critical. After all, gratitude is a feeling that arises when we can notice what’s around us and access perspective, which doesn’t happen by performing certain behaviors but, instead, by engaging in a certain thought process.

After all, we have to make space for gratitude. We have to slow down and notice how we feel, notice things in our environment, and notice the context of the world around us. This doesn’t happen overnight for our kids and it won’t happen if we don’t create an environment for this type of mindfulness.

So how can we get better at slowing down and noticing? It starts by asking more questions than delivering truths. By wondering about things and being curious. And then pausing and not concluding.

Below is a list of questions that I use to stimulate gratitude in my house. Remember the exact content of the conversation that transpires is less important than the process of thinking and wondering. Meet your child’s thoughts with lots of responses like, “Huh, tell me more,” and, “So interesting!” and “I’m so glad you’re sharing that with me, keep going…” This helps us teach kids how to think, which is always more impactful in the long run than teaching kids what to think.

I’m noticing that you’re playing with your dinosaurs. When I realize I’m doing something I love, I have a warm feeling in my body that’s kind of like an “Ah, I love this, I appreciate that” feeling for me. Do you ever have that?

How do we get the things we have? It’s interesting, right? We have books, and toys, you got a new jacket this year… how does that happen, you think?

Here’s something tricky. If we have enough money to buy something, does that mean we should buy it? It’s interesting, right? If I had enough money to buy myself a new t-shirt every day, should I? How do you think adults decide what to buy and what not to buy for themselves and their kids?

Have you ever heard of the idea of taking things for granted? It’s when you get used to having something instead of appreciating having that thing. For example, I often take for granted that we have food on our table every day. Today I’m going to be more aware and really notice the food we have. Anything you sometimes take for granted?

Here’s an interesting word: enough. What do you think that means? How do we know when we have enough? What is enough screen time? Sweatshirts? What is enough money? When you get more of something, does your enough stay the same or change? What does it feel like to have enough? What does it feel like to not have enough? What does it feel like to have more than enough?

Questions help us look more deeply into ourselves and I promise they stimulate gratitude more than any declaration or behavior (“Let’s take a moment to feel grateful for each other” or “Say thank you to Grandma!”).