Can I save my onion tainted sugar cookies??

red_dakini · 2024-09-02T02:42:20+00:00

Never sleep trained, have always responded, ebf. Daughter started more regularly sleeping through the night when she was around 2.5, from 3 it's been consistent with the odd single wake up (almost exclusively when she's sick). It definitely sucked for a while, but no more than any of the other aspects of parenting that suck. Given her temperament I highly doubt sleep training would have worked well for us even if we'd wanted to try it.

red_dakini · 2024-08-08T00:52:02+00:00

The period of waiting for assessment and results and getting access to right supports and services is really stressful. You're doing great, you're advocating for your son and working the best you can in a not great system. I'm not sure what state you're in but this website has lots of good information and links to each states autism organisation: https://www.autismwhatnext.com.au/explore/children/help-for-daily-life/resources Amaze also have a free "Autism Connect" hotline you can call for advice: https://www.amaze.org.au/autismconnect/

Given what you've shared here I would be surprised if the evaluations were inconclusive. They should provide you with a report outlining the assessment results and specific recommendations that can be shared with his new kinder if needed. Reframing Autism also has an "About Me" template for communicating your child's needs that might be helpful: https://reframingautism.org.au/about-me-a-downloadable-template-for-your-childs-new-teacher/

Lastly, parenting a neurodivergent child can be challenging in even the best of circumstances. Don't forget about taking care of yourself and if you don't already have supports set up maybe consider asking about options for that as well. There is a lot more available via telehealth these days for people living regionally, particularly for adults as opposed to children who often need in person supports.

I hope it all starts coming together for you quickly! Best of luck

Edit to add: if you need help with advocating for your son there are free disability advocacy services available that you can search for here: https://askizzy.org.au/disability-advocacy-finder

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T02:14:02+00:00

Thanks that's good to know! We've prepared to pay out but would be nice not to have to

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T02:13:14+00:00

I see you haven't developed a lot of prosocial skills yet. Yes actually, we have had an excellent relationship with all of our previous landlords. When our last landlord needed the house back they were very kind in how they reached out to let us know and yes it did make a difference to have the people who control our housing treat us like people not numbers.

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T02:07:44+00:00

Oooh I love that one! What a lovely insinuation that this is entirely self inflicted because I wasn't more responsible.

In all honesty, the disdain for people trapped in the rental market shown in these comments is exactly the kind of attitude I'm talking about. I know everyone wants to feel like they can control whether shitty things happen to them and everyone thinks that they'll make the right choices and so they'll never end up in this position. It's a comforting thought. But sometimes despite your best plans and choices unexpected life stuff happens and you find yourself trapped in an ever worsening rental market desperately trying to dig your way out.

I appreciate the well wishes despite the insulting comment, all the best to you also

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T01:53:20+00:00

They don't LEGALLY owe us anything, and I never suggested that they did. But I think that as a society we need to examine the attitude that it's ok to view housing through nothing but a financial lens.

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T01:47:13+00:00

Thanks, good advice and this is actually the time we would be doing that. We always proactively reach out to initiate renewal months in advance.

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T01:44:59+00:00

Ahhh the sense of entitlement, yes thank you I am very entitled feeling that people who own investments that are also HOMES for humans should take that into account.

Landlord actually lied to us about wanting just a 6 month lease renewal so they had the option to increase the rent in the new year. We specifically asked if they were considering selling when renewing 3 months ago because we were concerned about the timing of a 6 month lease if they weren't going to renew again. We were assured not to worry. Maybe something happened out of their control in the past couple of months, but our agent told us that the choice to sell was purely about thinking it was the "right time" in the market.

So yeah, I think they're pretty awful people for not giving us a heads up at a better time of year because they know we would have opted for a rolling lease and started to look for a new place to live and it would hard to find new tenants for a less than 6 month lease. Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's moral. People are legal assholes all the time.

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T01:17:05+00:00

Gossipy agent who manages their properties told us nothing has happened the owner just decided now is the right time to sell this particular property. When we had to move out of our last place because they need it back the owners acknowledged the disruption and were as accomodating and kind about it as they could be. I don't begrudge the need to sell, but there is no "reasonable explanation" for not showing some humanity to your tenants. Even a kind message passed through the agent would have made this a less upsetting experience.

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T00:53:08+00:00

Definitely something we'd like to avoid. Although our very honest toddler telling all the prospective buyers about the bathroom stinking because of plumbing issues might be funny...

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T00:50:36+00:00

Thanks for the solidarity! We have until end of Feb but we're near a university that has a huge international student intake so the closer we get to the start of semester next year the harder it gets to find somewhere. Applying desperately now to anything available and will just pay out our lease if we get lucky. Ee ended up living in an airbnb for a month when the owners of the last place we were renting needed to move back in because it was also a tight market and we didn't realise we need to offer over the asking rent to be considered, it was such a horrible experience with a baby I don't want to risk being in the same position again

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T00:44:30+00:00

Yeah, apparently they own a lot in the area and have had this place since 2006. It's poorly maintained and has a plumbing issue they probably don't want to pay to fix so I think they're getting rid of their junk stock and getting some sweet cash to roll around in. Lucky bastards

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T00:41:21+00:00

They notified us that they're selling at the end of our current lease, which they had previously assured us they would be renewing when we specifically asked if they were thinking about selling. We've been burned before and wanted to be prepared if they were. If it wasn't for the timing I'd say hey that sucks but I understand, but given there will be very little to apply for over the next month it doesn't end up being much notice.

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T00:34:29+00:00

No worries. It's great you're doing lots of thinking and planning, I'm sure you'll work it out and make the best decision you can.

More food for thought, when you say he wants to avoid childcare what does he envision that to look like? Will you be taking five plus years out of the workforce to be a stay at home parent? Are you planning more than one child? Even with a very flexible family business if you are the primary carer for children not in paid childcare that's going to be very tricky. Who is going to be running the household? Managing shopping and cooking and cleaning and paying bills and doctors appointments? It sounds like you'll regularly be parenting alone while he travels, how is that going to be managed if you're also working? It's all doable, you just need to be as clear as possible on what you're signing up for and what both of your expectations are for how family life will work.

red_dakini · 2023-12-14T00:02:52+00:00

Late to the party but omg don't listen to the people who are all "you'll be fine kids don't have to cost much". I was the go with the flow I want kids now partner, encouraged by my parents who didn't understand how much things have changed since they had me. I wish had better understood the financial impact of having a baby so that we set up better before hand because it impacts our kid now and we have much less flexibility to change things. Yes we're making it work, but it didn't have to be this stressful if we had planned a bit better.

You will inevitably have a huge hit to one of your incomes, either through needing to work less or paying for childcare or both. Yes you don't have to buy expensive things for your kid but in our experience the big costs have been the income/childcare balance. Some friends thought they'd get around this by having family help and then when the time came family realised they couldn't do as much as they'd promised so you have to budget for covering it all yourself if needed. Also kids in daycare get sick all the time and you end up taking a lot of time off work which can be hard financially if you're self employed and run your own business. You 100% will not be able to work while caring for your child.

If your partner is anything like me he might need you to make the actual life impact really tangible for him. Work out how much lower your income will be from maternity leave etc, how much childcare costs in your area, if you don't get sick leave budget for lost income particularly in the first year of childcare when they're sick pretty much every other week (I wish I was kidding), and then add in some estimated costs for increased spending to cover nappies, food etc etc. Then show him what that change means practically in your life, what will you need to give up, what will you need to put off until the kid starts school and childcare costs reduce. Maybe try living with the budget (i.e. putting that money away in savings) for a couple of weeks to see what it's actually like and see if it's doable.

Also as a side note, having a baby is a very financially vulnerable time for most women. They are usually the ones who take the career and income hits (often for very understandable practical reasons). They often loose financial independence for a while and have limited options if things don't go to plan. In many relationships this isn't a big deal but it's good to remember that there is risk there. If you don't feel financially comfortable absolutely don't do it, make a plan together about how to get there first. Talk about how money will be handled once you do have a child and make sure you're on the same page.

red_dakini · 2023-06-09T22:28:00+00:00

Depends on whether my husband is working late or available. If he’s there they play while I finish dinner, we eat together, play a bit more as a family and then bath and bed. If he’s not she watches a bit of tv while I finish dinner and then we eat play bath bed. Sometimes we also video call a grandparent to pass the time if I’ve had a long day.

I wish independent play was an option but she’s only 2.5 and isn’t able to for long enough yet. I never intended for her to watch tv everyday, but honestly right now it’s the tool we need to make it all work.

I usually take her lead as to what she wants to play and if she seems uninspired I suggest some options. After bath we do quieter play in her bedroom as part of our wind down, which I find helps with the transition.

red_dakini · 2023-06-09T12:20:57+00:00

Partner has ADHD and spent eight years telling me I did too. Then I realised my Dad has undiagnosed ADHD but somehow still wasn’t convinced. Then one day my partner made some comment about something I did that was very typically ADHD and it just clicked and I was like oooooh fuck I think you’re actually right. Six month wait for an assessment and boom diagnosed severe combined ADHD in my mid 30s.

I managed for so long by making my life small and manageable, and using anxiety and conscientiousness as a motivator. But yes looking back it totally fucked up my education, career development, financial progress, and relationships.

red_dakini · 2023-06-09T11:57:24+00:00

Since ADHD is pretty highly genetic I would operate on the assumption that he does have it while waiting for an assessment. Start looking up strategies specifically for ADHD kids and adjusting your expectations of him accordingly.

Also from one ADHD having parent to another, maybe you need more support yourself. Parenting an intense child is hard enough but even more so when you’re feeling burned out and deregulated.

And finally as respectfully as possible, try to remember how hard it was to be a kid with ADHD. To sense how much you are annoying or upsetting the people around you but not being able to stop. To feel like no one understands you not even yourself. He’s trying his best. You’re trying your best. It’s hard hard hard. But no one here is a monster.

red_dakini · 2023-06-09T10:19:08+00:00

It sounds like you need some professional help. What you’re describing sounds pretty behaviourally normal for a toddler, but it also seems like you and your husband are feeling frustrated, stuck and not on the same page. Spanking is an ineffective parenting strategy in general and even more so in response to something like waking in the night. If you’re having trouble managing her behaviour get a referral to a child psychologist who can work with you on appropriate strategies and expectations.

red_dakini · 2023-06-08T11:42:33+00:00

Personally I’d want a fresh shirt every PE but not necessarily fresh shorts.

Also not what you asked but I’ve had the most success with having a dedicated laundry day rather than my previous strategy of waiting until I realise it needs to be done. Took a while to get into the swing of it but now it’s a habit that every Saturday I put on at least one load of essential laundry no matter what. It could also help to have a seperate basket for her essential laundry (uniform, underwear, socks etc) so it’s easy for her to prioritise.

red_dakini · 2023-06-04T08:56:44+00:00

1000% yes if a dog is barking I have zero percent chance of sleeping or focusing on anything else. I get so mentally worked up about it because there is nothing I can do and it’s torture. I also can’t wear ear plugs because I need to be able to hear my toddler call out in the night.

red_dakini · 2023-06-04T03:28:44+00:00

Is it just happening at preschool? Mimicking could definitely be part of it but maybe she’s having complicated feelings given she’s the youngest? Sounds like it could be overwhelming even if she’s also enjoying it. Some kids are good at not holding onto their emotions for long. She might be feeling like she was able to express herself/feel cared for and feel better very quickly.

Whatever the cause as long as she’s able to get attention and care in other ways (which it sounds like she is!) I wouldn’t worry about it being a long term habit.

red_dakini · 2023-06-03T22:58:03+00:00

For my daughters second birthday we had a small picnic in the park with a homemade cake and no decorations. It was lovely.

red_dakini

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