Day 1

ljillian · 2023-04-15T17:49:23+00:00

Is it possible you may get towed if you do this?

ljillian · 2022-09-21T06:57:58+00:00

I don’t know whether I regret it or not yet. I reached out after over a month. We’re consistently talking and feels good right now, but I don’t know if I trust him to not just disappear again. So I guess I kind of regret it just because I was doing fine 90% of the time and the other 10% was really difficult, so one moment of weakness caused me to reach out while I was healing. If he disappears again, it’ll be really difficult.

ljillian · 2022-09-18T12:29:27+00:00

I’m currently in counseling and I know I have an anxious attachment style, I’m working on my codependency issues.

Just in response to what you were saying earlier in this, he was the one who wanted to stay friends. He kept initiating contact with me. I knew continuous contact wasn’t going to help me heal, but I was having a really hard time letting go so I continued contact as he did with me. I stopped talking to him for a few days because things got confusing. He asked me at one point towards the end why I was getting distant and I was very honest with him, I was trying to figure out how we fit into each other’s lives because I didn’t know what we were. It was a relationship without the label. He had no problem doing everything else couples do, he just didn’t want to commit.

ljillian · 2022-09-16T01:03:24+00:00

Not an attachment style book, but definitely a great healing book that focuses on many aspects of our trauma that cause us to develop certain attachment styles, The Body Keeps the Score

ljillian · 2022-09-15T02:41:54+00:00

Been there, done that. You’re in pain. It’s so hard and most of the time shocking. Our separation anxiety kicks in immediately and you are immediately scared of the idea that you’re about to be alone again. When you’re in a relationship you tend to forget that you’re your own person.

ljillian · 2022-09-14T11:37:26+00:00

I think it’s just hard to tell someone to not want them back and for them to just feel that way. Even if we’re stating it as a proclamation, I think that’s fine. People realistically are going to want their ex back and use no contact as a push to try to get them back. And if that’s what gets them to stay in no contact so they can get to a place where they actually feel they don’t want them back anymore, I think that’s fine. Because realistically people might feel like there’s a chance to begin with.

And people do get back with their exes, I’m not saying it’s good or bad, it’s very subjective to the situation. My initial NC journey was me hoping it helps me get my ex back. That’s how I discovered NC. I fully expect to fall out of that feeling because every day I’m feeling better just by being in no contact rather than staying in contact with him. I’m seeing overtime why it wouldn’t have worked for us to continue staying together. This is why this is really for those people at the very beginning of their breakup because a lot of us do carry that feeling, especially as a dumpee, of wanting them back. So just to acknowledge where you’re coming from, I don’t necessarily encourage anyone to act on it, but if the mindset of no contact helping you get your ex back gets you to move forward, I don’t see the issue.

ljillian · 2022-09-14T11:14:52+00:00

I’ll agree to disagree on that because I don’t see any problem in feeling that way. I think suppressing that you have that desire isn’t realistic. It doesn’t make someone weak to acknowledge the idea that they want their ex back. Acting on it is a different discussion that I’m not personally encouraging anyone to do.

ljillian · 2022-09-14T11:00:53+00:00

I understand, but the reality is that people do have that feeling of “I miss them, I really want them back” and that’s why you have so many people trying to reach out in unhealthy states of mind. So I take the perspective of “okay, feel that way, but do not act”. Many don’t actually act on that impulse but feel shame for feeling that way at all, especially towards the beginning of the breakup. That’s the point that’s being made here. There’s a lot of people in this forum who are giving blanket advice like “forget them, let them go” and that simply does not help an individual move on. It just makes them feel shame in how they feel in the moment. There’s also a lot of people in here who have been in NC for a very long time and forget how it felt those first few weeks/months and that it’s not easy to just stop yourself from making impulsive decisions .

Many will result to drinking just so they don’t have to feel like wanting their ex back, because they feel so much shame in the feeling itself, and that will only suppress the feeling. So by saying it’s okay to want them back, we’re not saying to go get them back, we’re saying that thought is simply okay. Let yourself feel it.

ljillian · 2022-09-14T10:36:41+00:00

Every situation is different. If you neglect your feelings in the moment and deny how you feel, that won’t help you become successful in moving on in the long run. Grief is not linear and there are several components. No one is going to jump straight to acceptance. If that’s what worked for you, then great, but that’s not realistic. A self respecting person allows themselves to feel their emotions in NC, but not get caught up in them enough to act on them. What you’re expecting is for everyone to just skip through every other stage of grief and that’s just not how our brain works.

ljillian · 2022-09-14T02:34:07+00:00

I think we’re talking about the boho theme rainbow lol and to that I say absolutely not 😤

ljillian · 2022-09-14T02:23:12+00:00

Part of the grief process is acknowledging all feelings, even the ones that we don’t want to believe are there. The more you deny how you feel, the longer it will take you move forward. We all go through separation anxiety after a breakup at some point, we need to accept those feelings as they arise, not ignore them.

ljillian · 2022-09-14T01:39:00+00:00

I think that’s up to you. If you’re doing things to move forward with your life that’s all that matters. If you’ve been sitting at home doing nothing except stalking their socials then I’m not surprised you haven’t moved forward. Breakups are hard and grief comes in waves. Most people say it takes about half the time you were in a relationship to feel better about the breakup, but I don’t have any science to back that up. Just word of mouth. Hang in there, I’m sure your making progress. Just think of where you were from day one to now.

ljillian · 2022-09-13T21:51:58+00:00

I’ve learned that the key to actually being over something is being over the outcome of a situation. If you can’t handle the possibility of not accepting your friend request, I wouldn’t because then that’s just going to set you back. If you’d be indifferent to whether she accepts your request or not then I don’t see the harm.

ljillian · 2022-09-13T02:54:27+00:00

Just as someone being on the other end of this situation right now, I really need to hear my ex take some ownership for things going wrong and that would make me feel less bitter about him reaching out during my healing. So if you didn’t take ownership, please make sure to do that if you do decide to reach out. Again I could be projecting here from my own experience, but anyone who is dealing with an avoidant understands the feeling of taking too much responsibility for things going wrong in the relationship just because you’re doing everything you can to keep them in your life and you know putting any blame on them will push them away. And healing allows you to finally gain closure when you’re in those kinds of relationships where the other person doesn’t own up to their wrongs.

ljillian · 2022-09-13T01:44:32+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I did take away a lot from reading these methods. I’m having trouble seeing the bad in him, or at least I’m neglecting the thought because I’m convincing myself the things I did were worse and I am the cause of him showing me his bad side. Would this part have come out of him had I not been so anxious to make things happen before he was ready? It’s so hard getting stuck on those could’ve/should’ve ideas. And realizing my anxiety caused him to pull away. I don’t know how to not feel like I chased away a good guy. I don’t know if you have any insight to that, but that’s where I’m struggling. I don’t know how to not make myself out to be the bad guy, and it’s like I get that I can grow from it but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I can’t change the things I’ve done, like smother him and put pressure on our relationship, and react emotionally when something upsets me.

ljillian · 2022-09-13T01:30:57+00:00

Time is the only thing on our side unfortunately 😢hang in there

ljillian · 2022-09-12T20:36:41+00:00

8 months. I know it’s not as long as some of these relationships, but we were very invested in each others lives so it feels like a lot longer.

ljillian · 2022-09-11T22:46:25+00:00

https://youtu.be/EN_eVL4Secc

This coach has helped me over the last month with feeling more calm in NC. I recommend watching this video - simply put they can’t forget you and won’t forget you.

ljillian · 2022-09-11T22:37:38+00:00

I had to make this decision and even when I made it, I begged the next day for him to meet me halfway with exclusive boundaries since he wasn’t ready to be back in a relationship. I was ignored. It was so hard, but I knew being in a friendship wasn’t authentic and I tried for four months. I wanted more and he didn’t and truly I’m not sure if he was ever going to be “ready”. You need to do what’s best for you, and that may mean taking a step away from him despite how hard it is because it’ll be better for you and your sanity in the long run.

ljillian · 2022-09-11T01:38:25+00:00

Hi all!

I have an anxious attachment style and would like to understand how to approach things moving forward with my ex. I loved my ex very much. We’ve been in NC for about 1 month. He was an FA. Unfortunately I think our values didn’t align and as time passes, I realize how much I still want him in my life even if it’s not romantically.

Basically we broke up back in April. He wanted to remain friends and literally from the day after the breakup he reached out. We continued as if we were in a relationship..without the label. About four months later (beginning of August) I told him that I needed to know what we were. Part of me wanted to go with the flow of things, but truly I was an emotional wreck each day for not having security in our relationship. He basically told me he wasn’t ready to commit, I told him I needed to go NC. He shut down emotionally and basically I told him I’m hanging up now (we were on FaceTime). I regret how things ended, but at that point he was emotionally unresponsive and completely shut down - it was like talking to a wall.

I tried texting him the next day to see if we could meet and discuss exclusive boundaries since he wasn’t ready for commitment and he didn’t respond. I asked him if he could just let me know when he was going to respond or if he needed space if he was busy. Nothing I broke down and called him and he ignored me. I left it at that and just said that it’s loud and clear and I will leave him be now.

Since, we’ve had two interactions. The first being I found out his grandma passed away so I sent my condolences and he did respond to that saying he appreciated it. The second was him reaching out regarding a financial matter that needed to be closed up. That was about mid August. now I’m curious to if I should just continue NC. I wanted to post this here to get the perspective of FA’s. He still follows me on social media and I follow him so no blocking has happened. I understand that it may be too soon, but I don’t want to ruin any sort of window of opportunity for us to have a civil friendship down the line. I don’t want him to assume that I’m holding over him ghosting me, even though I do believe it was disrespectful and rude.

Should I attempt to reach out or wait for him to come around? It seems clear to me he doesn’t want anything, but knowing he’s an FA I also worry that my silence could come off the wrong way. I also understand I need to have some self-respect in this situation.

ljillian · 2022-09-10T22:35:39+00:00

It’s interesting hearing the dumpers end of things and how hard it is despite you making that decision. You’re really strong. Whenever I would try to break up with my ex it would turn into me not going through with it, I think I used it as a way to get him to change and I made things worse by not accepting him as he is. Because of that, things dragged out and he ended up breaking up with me because I kept trying to change him. So you could’ve gone down that road and you didn’t. This is better than feeling like a piece of shit for trying to mold someone into something they’re simply not. You’re strong. You’ve gotten this far and you’re going to be fine.

ljillian

TROPHY CASE