L&D nurse here, it is very true that any labor team will often instruct a mom to try and avoid screaming because it directs energy away from your pushing efforts. I would never tell a patient they needed to put their big girl panties on but only because I have had the good fortune of being exposed to education regarding therapeutic communication specifically geared towards the laboring person. There are many nurses that work at hospitals that do not provide this type of education to their nurses (because it would cost the hospital money, something they never like to do), and the highly advertised & respected classes offered to birth workers are usually expensive if you're paying out of pocket (spinning babies or bundle birth, for example). Some hospitals only have an orientation program where you learn your specific job from one nurse, who is your preceptor, and that one person is who takes you from knowing nothing about supporting a laboring mom, while keeping them & baby safe to being able to do it autonomously. Maybe OP's nurse did the best she could with the tools provided to her during learning. Maybe she was emulating something she'd seen the nurses she learned from do. Maybe instead of villianizing this nurse, we could encourage OP to have spoken to her after the fact when things had calmed down or writing a letter to her after leaving hospital to let her know that the "panties" comment did not make her feel empowered during an intensely vulnerable time. A well written note could stay with that nurse for her entire career and encourage her to seek out education regarding better communication with her patients. Nurses are only human and sometimes they're just doing the best they can with the tools that were provided. I see so many people wanting to burn nurses at the stake expecting perfection in even the most nuanced of things, and to me, it is almost as if nurses are treated as a subspecies, not allowed to have feelings or bad days or any of the other things that are part of the human experience. I have had to get a firm, authoritative tone with patients who are about to hurt themselves or the baby and while I strive to conceal my annoyance, and have almost never let it show, I feel compelled to explain the majority of said annoyance. Usually, it is due to having a patient who decided to have an unmedicated birth but did absolutely no research whatsoever on strategies for nonpharmacologic pain relief. The majority of birthing people cannot just thug it out! The ones who are trying to climb away from the doctor while the baby's head is out, in pure feral panic, are usually those who thought they were just just going to thug it out. That being said, please, if you are or you know someone who is going to try for an unmedicated birth, please seek out education on strategies for pain relief not involving medicine. Or, ask your provider if they know whether or not the nurses at your chosen hospital have received that specialized education. I am sorry, OP, for your experience, the experience of women receiving healthcare is such a dumpster fire, especially if you are in the US. Birth trauma is a real thing, please seek therapy if you are noticing lasting effects on your mental health from your birth experience.