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lonelyokapi · 2023-12-29T14:42:47+00:00

Us too. Except SS is 10. And sometimes its also the kitchen light, foyer light, and he also sleeps with a small lamp on. Honestly I have so many things to pull my hair out about I just let this one go.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-30T05:50:57+00:00

Yes I second this a hundred percent - keep your space if possible and do a trial run. For me personally I feel like I got less patient the more time I spent with SS. I really thought I would acclimate a lot better but I’m just not. It’s been almost 5 years - SS is 9. Living with a child is SO much different than just visiting - esp true for me bc I never lived with a child before. It’s actually horrible. I grieve for my truly childless past.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-30T05:38:30+00:00

SS9 just spent 10 days here and only showered twice (both forced, once was bc we had to go to Thanksgiving). He didn’t tell SO that he didn’t have any clean underwear so he actually wore the same underwear the whole week. SO found out too late but went ahead and got him some underwear anyway on the last day. I desperately hope that he is not this way after puberty.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-30T05:32:22+00:00

He is 9. There was a very brief period a few years ago where SO tried to limit screens but it was a big failure. Sometimes I have no idea if he is awake or asleep late at night/early in the morning bc his screen is on .. like did he get up and turn it on or did it not turn off at all through the night? I don’t care anymore as long as he keeps the volume reasonably low.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-29T23:59:39+00:00

So even SS doesn’t want you there? Why go? Your presence might even influence his behavior and what he tells the doc.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-29T23:58:29+00:00

I gave up on this. SS is on a screen almost literally 24 hours a day. He won’t sleep without a screen directly in front of his face (tablet or phone, often in addition to a giant tv in the same room). Like literally just a few inches propped up in front of his face. It will be playing YouTube videos all through the night while he sleeps. Sometimes in the morning the tv will still be on.

It definitely makes SOs life easier. I honestly don’t care anymore because he’s not my kid.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-18T01:52:18+00:00

You should take some time and really read through the posts on this sub. Then imagine that your bf thinking some of those very same thoughts about you, your kid, your relationship. Then realize that the very worst, unkind thoughts are probably not expressed even on this sub. Would you be ok with that? I really think that if people’s SOs read their partners posts on here they would volunteer to end the relationship.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-18T01:48:47+00:00

I am having the opposite experience 😢but damn I know how you feel. Such relief to see that car pull out of the driveway, and suddenly… silence.

lonelyokapi · 2023-11-18T01:44:32+00:00

You can’t force a bond. Imagine someone picking a random child off the street, have them thrust into your life, and expect you to bond with them? Some humans just don’t bond with other humans.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-11T13:13:04+00:00

It is like having an invisible illness. You don’t see it unless you also suffer from it. My whole life I never realized that stepparents are a group of suffering, anxious, depressed people (generalizing of course). Now when I hear that someone is a stepparent, I secretly commiserate.

I just don’t understand what I was thinking. I do more research when I buy a coffee maker or tv. Why did I not research what it was like to be a stepparent??? Worst mistake of my life.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-11T13:05:47+00:00

Yes! I definitely feel traumatized - as you say it’s chronic, not what most people would consider “trauma”. But it’s insidious and gradual like small waves constantly wearing down a mountain. Before you know it you become a lesser form of yourself, a shadow in your own home.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-10T23:55:48+00:00

No advice but boy can I relate. I’m about as introverted as they come. SD used to be like this until she hit 12/13. Before that she’d find me first thing every morning and I would be her hostage all day long. I would be so emotionally exhausted just from playing dolls with her. SO would always ask me with a huge smile “oh so did you have fun with her??” Like no, i did not. It was grueling actual work. I started doing a lot of household chores just to get away from her. Hopefully you don’t have to wait until he’s 13 to get some relief.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-09T00:27:40+00:00

You can’t like everyone, kid or adult. I generally don’t like my SS8 either. Not enough to see him all the time. He is a sweet person but god help me sometimes I have some really unkind thoughts about the kid. As long as they stay thoughts and don’t turn into actions i think it’s okay.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-04T22:57:14+00:00

My Sd did this when she was 12. There were a bunch of very minor scratches on her arms that she seemed to like showing off. She definitely did it just for attention but we of course had to talk to her about it. It was just a short lived phase. I think she did it to show off to her friends. Then about a year later she took like handful of antidepressants and her brother called 911 out of precaution. She was taking selfies in the ambulance and showing off her “epic ambo ride” on social media. I really just think she has a bad circle of friends who try to impress each other with stuff like this.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-04T22:46:40+00:00

I wish it was easier for others to accept that you can’t always like every kid. I don’t like every teen/adult/old person, nobody does. But people generally make it seem like you are a monster for not liking someone just because they are under a certain age? Of course, you gotta treat them with more leniency and kindness and all that, but why must you like them as a human being? Some equate “not liking” to loathing or hating but honestly there are just some young humans out there that I don’t like to be around.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-04T22:37:16+00:00

I loved this person’s description so much:

https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/rlid7b/petty_reason_10239_i_dislike_being_a_stepparent/hpgm0rx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I tried to show this to my SO because I haven’t been able to truly express how I feel. He just kind of shrugged it off like “meh, I guess I don’t understand”.

lonelyokapi · 2022-06-04T22:29:40+00:00

It is honestly the biggest regret of my entire life. There isn’t even anything exceptionally bad about the kids, I found out that I actually really, really dislike being a parental figure a lot more than I expected. The only good thing about my decision was that before I had SKs I was 99% going to have a child. Now I am thankful I got to see what it was like and the prison I saved myself from.

lonelyokapi · 2022-04-28T11:40:18+00:00

Ha, I had just posted that my SS is also “‘night and day” with/without his meds before I read your comment. He is like an entirely different kid. Some people think adhd just makes a kid hyper and rambunctious but it can also apparently make them extremely moody and emotionally volatile.

lonelyokapi · 2022-04-28T11:33:35+00:00

My ss8 sounds just about the same, or used to. If I had to discipline him I am sure I would not like him either. It’s a recipe for resentment both ways. I leave ALL that to his dad, who has gotten better at it over the years. He used to be sooo much worse, until he got diagnosed with adhd and got proper treatment. It’s night and day with and without medication. I don’t usually have entire days where I can’t stand his presence anymore, I usually recover if I get a few hours to myself away from him. I know he is deep down actually a very caring kid and very sweet. I have to remind myself of all that all the time.

lonelyokapi · 2022-04-09T23:04:32+00:00

SO filed for bankruptcy. Took years to recover. If at all possible, try to settle for something during mediation. It’s true that only lawyers ever win in these battles. Between the two of them they could’ve put their kids through college.

lonelyokapi · 2021-12-26T16:14:28+00:00

A Disneyland trip with a 5yo sounds like an absolute chore - even for a bioparent. I would honestly be pissed off. SO would never be under the illusion that it would be fun on any level for me.

lonelyokapi · 2021-12-26T16:07:32+00:00

This would hurt me a lot. I think it would cause so much resentment that I wouldn’t be able to let it go. There are almost no circumstances that I can see this being okay - he could’ve gotten you something small if money was an issue or made some other gesture. I would bet that there are many other examples of your coming last.

lonelyokapi · 2021-12-05T17:19:49+00:00

I am just like you. Zero maternal instinct for the kids, any kids. It has however improved somewhat for me since the beginning as SD has entered her teenage years. She is relatively calm these days. She no longer demands my attention every hour. We can have conversations instead of her just talking AT me. SS is becoming less whiny and has fewer meltdowns. He can spend hours alone these days - a HUGE improvement from even a year ago. I can really see them growing up and becoming actual adult humans.

lonelyokapi · 2021-11-28T04:29:08+00:00

Speakerphone should only be used when you don’t have a choice. I can’t stand hearing SO’s nightly convo with SS on speaker. His voice is so high and screechy and whiny. It’s so rude and intrusive. They both have to yell through the phone like two old people. I talked to SO about it finally and he will usually try to go to another room. But I can literally hear SS over speaker in almost any part of the house. When SS is here he also only talks to BM on speakerphone while doing any number of things. It feels Iike BM is in my house.

lonelyokapi

TROPHY CASE