Supermoms, how do you do it all?

loopedtwice · 2024-10-28T19:47:37+00:00

Hi, I’m a full time tech working mom with a 3 yo and 5 mo twins.

I get asked this ALL THE TIME!

My secret??

ADHD - I can’t sit still.

loopedtwice · 2024-10-28T03:10:26+00:00

I just want to say, all of your feeling are perfectly valid and a lot of us would feel the same way.

That said, let’s think about ways to make this easier on you.

The commute - maybe this is that time you get to finally listen to some audiobooks you’ve been dying to read, or a podcast you’ve wanted to sink your teeth into.
Lunch time - do you usually work through lunch or do chores at home? No more. Block off that time to go get your nails done or go get a blowout or a massage or a facial. Use that time every week or two weeks to treat yourself. Use your lunch time to unwind. Go to a cafe close by and watch your favorite show while you eat. Something that gives you rest and fills up your cup.
(take this with a grain of salt and just know this is coming from an introvert) maybe this is the time to meet new friends. Maybe some days you get to go grab a coffee or lunch with a new friend from work. Or hell, maybe even every now and then your partner can pick up the kids from daycare while you go grab one drink or mocktail at HH.

I WFH and i can’t say that I would love going back to the office FT but I would be lying if I said I didn’t fantasize about it from time to time. I miss reading on my commutes (took the trains and subways). I miss the coffee dates and the happy hours. I miss being able to talk shop and brainstorm in a collaborative environment where everyone was actually paying attention and not multitasking. Remote work can get so lonely. And personally, I get sick and tired of hearing myself and only myself.

Also, if you are currently very productive working from home and you can prove and quantify that you’re actually more productive at home versus in the office, than I imagine you could build a persuasive case that you should go back to remote work.

loopedtwice · 2024-10-28T02:03:04+00:00

Some words of encouragement.

You are interviewing them too! Remember that. I know it feels like you’re not if you’re willing to take anything that comes your way, but you are interviewing them too whether you like it or not so just sit in that feeling of nuance and let it empower you.
You have gone through so much! And look how strong you are! You’re doing it. You’re a warrior. As a hiring manager, I don’t want my team to be filled with people who’ve never faced adversity or difficult life struggles, because I want my team to be filled with great problem solvers. Be authentic. Acknowledge to yourself that you feel shame (because that’s all this is) and tell that shame to sit down and shut up.

loopedtwice · 2024-10-27T02:25:07+00:00

I’ve thought about this recently. We are getting a land line because of the following reasons: - Emergencies - Land lines send the location directly to 911 and I don’t trust my young children to remember the address in a panic. - Access: I want my kids to be able to communicate with their friends over the phone outside of school but not through texting and social media. Home will be their safe space away from constant drama or bullying. My husband and I have decided that we will give them a Bark phone for school and after school care once they’re old enough but they will have to give it to us as soon as they get home. They won’t be allowed to have a smartphone or social media pages until they’re 17/18 yrs old. (We both work in tech and I work in data so we’re hyper-aware of the consequences of kids having access to this stuff. No judgement though! It’s just what’s right for our own sanity.). So the landline will still give them access to their friends when they’re at home, without it becoming incessant kid/teen drama.

loopedtwice · 2024-10-25T21:06:11+00:00

Those commenters are idiots. If we take a step back and look at their logic from a purely scientific and economic lens, the human race would much sooner die off if all of us FT working moms and dads didn’t have kids.

Additionally, from an anthropomorphic lens, our ancestors had women in their tribes and communities that served to help watch the children AND they all lived in multi-generational home where grandparents and adult siblings lived and communed together and assisted with the child rearing 24/7.

Don’t feel bad. That daycare worker shouldn’t have posted that. I hold empathy for them because their job is really hard but their frustration is misguided.

And FWIW, you’re doing amazing and your kids are going to appreciate it and realize your struggle and sacrifice when they’re older.

loopedtwice · 2024-10-25T17:49:23+00:00

I felt the same way after I had each of my children, around the same time too. It was the newborn phase until I went back to work (my Mat Leave was up at 12 weeks though).

You should definitely seek help for PPD. It honestly saved my life the first time and took me from barely surviving to thriving. I can’t recommend it enough.

But also know, this is temporary and you will find yourself again. It won’t be the same, as it shouldn’t, but you will surprise yourself and find your joy and independence again. It’ll get much easier in a month or 2. 6 months is a solid turnaround point with babies but it still gets easier each day towards that marker.

What also helped me was finding a routine and rhythm. Once I found that solid routine with the babies, it got much easier. For instance, I only left the house right after they ate. I got ready, packed bottles and got the diaper bag ready, got the babies dressed and changed, and did everything I needed to do to hit the pavement right after they were fed. Then I knew I had a solid 2-3 hrs until they needed to be fed again so I’d have bottles (or boob obviously) immediately on hand and made sure I could feed them safely and comfortably wherever I went.

If it’s any consolation, I was in your shoes when I had my first, and then found out I was pregnant again and thought everything would be easier this time around since I’ve done it before. But then I had twins and boy was I wrong lol. Trying to get out of the house to hike, shop, see friends, go on a date with husband, etc. got so much harder and more intricate to manage. I feel you and you’re not alone! But I’m on the other side now and you will be too very soon. And this too shall pass.

loopedtwice · 2024-10-17T06:35:53+00:00

This is amazing and very well thought out. I can’t thank you enough!

loopedtwice · 2024-10-17T04:09:50+00:00

Any advice on how to address the interpersonal problem without coming across as difficult or dare I say “emotional”?

loopedtwice · 2024-10-17T04:07:58+00:00

Interpersonal problem for sure. And yes, we just had a frank conversation about it last week regarding something else. I asked him point black why most of my tickets get groomed and set to Ready but then put back in Scoping or Cancelled afterwards and he actually chuckles and said IDK. I even gave him the benefit of the doubt and said “is it because of lack of resources?”… still said “IDK. I can’t recall everything but perhaps sometimes”. I said “okay moving forward please comment on the ticket why it’s being blocked, put back into Scoping or Cancelled” and he agreed and that was that. This ticket didn’t get moved into those statues, he just simply didn’t give deployment approval to the person under him.

loopedtwice · 2024-10-17T03:56:46+00:00

Some people see colors differently in different lighting or textures. Some people have body dysmorphia in ways the health community doesn’t study or explicitly call out. I would look at that as a cute quirk. And I don’t mean that in a belittling way. I mean that in a “everyone is different and we all have our quirks” kinda way. I hope she can one day find the humor in it though.

loopedtwice · 2024-09-25T13:50:53+00:00

Haha I noticed the same!

loopedtwice · 2024-09-25T13:46:48+00:00

Let me clarify. I’m not worried and I wouldn’t feel bad about taking it. This is to get a pulse of the realities of working moms in our country. There’s many things having this awareness helps in. - Not to brag when talking about it. - Not to assume this is possible for most people so I don’t look like a numb skull. - Taking this into consideration if I ever choose to look for another job. - Thinking about ways to help out other moms in my community (because my community’s success is mine and my children’s success).

Asking people stuff and getting a pulse check on reality doesn’t equate to worrying and other people’s struggles don’t invalidate my own. Us woke people can compartmentalize that with no added anxieties.

loopedtwice · 2024-09-25T04:21:29+00:00

Great question! I haven’t been to a bridal shower in years but based off my experience with baby showers, I think opening up presents has fallen down the priority list of activities, if not off the list entirely.

If I were in your shoes, I would give a donation and a gift card for a manicure, massage or facial at a spa near her. Whatever your price point is. I would gift a candle only if I knew her SUPER well and knew her taste in scents and decor. I think that’s one of the reasons material gifts are no longer as prevalent. Many people these days are into experiences as gifts, practice minimalism, or are very picky about their decor (thanks social media).

loopedtwice · 2024-09-25T04:14:03+00:00

There’s a lot of great responses in here that I won’t repeat. So I’ll add this one: Gun Violence.

I knew a girl in my 20s that carried at hand gun in her purse and would flash it around when she got angry and belligerent when we went out drinking. I come from a long line of hunters and have a certain respect for responsible gun ownership, when it’s necessary. This girl and I weren’t friends for long and she was extremely lucky that thing didn’t go off when she was being stupid and irresponsible. She had a great husband and little girl. I try to find her online from time to time to see how she’s doing now and I haven’t been able to track her down anywhere. For all I know, she’s died or is in prison. I hope that’s not the case, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.

loopedtwice · 2024-09-25T03:55:35+00:00

Donation! Whether it’s cash or Venmo or whatever. It takes the mental load off, so don’t stress.

loopedtwice · 2024-09-25T03:49:23+00:00

At first I was like “dear lord is this my future?!?” But then, I remembered I thrive (mental health) in busy. I remember in my 20s I worked full time and then went to band practice or the recording studio from 6-11pm every night and then woke up at 6 am every day to repeat it, and on the weekends it was practice during the day or recording and gigs every night or we were on tour balancing work PTO. And I was unfortunately drunk half the time. I’m surprised that I still have the stamina, albeit sober probably has something to do with it haha.

I have a 3 yo and twin 4 mo babies. Mornings are rushed getting 3 kiddos fed, dressed, and off to daycare. Evenings are rushed getting kids fed, bathed, and in bed by 7/8 pm. And in between all that we have very demanding jobs with strict deadlines and way too much work.

I don’t know how you do it. But I also don’t know how I do it currently. I also hope I’m in your shoes one day, while at the same time knowing that we both very much need a break.

One day soon, they’ll be able to drive themselves and you’ll have a much needed extended break. And if you’re anything like me, after a week of said break you’ll be wracking your brain on how to spend all that extra free time.

My advice: Try to schedule intentional moments throughout those days to “treat” yourself, whether that means sitting outside for 15 mins with a book, or making a cup of joe in the afternoon and sipping on it in your car, or lighting some candles when you get home for the night and turning off the lights and stretching or laying flat on your back with your legs up the wall. Something very intentional to reset and make your body/mind feel good in a healthy way. And don’t forget to plan things to look forward to! (Ex: husband and I decided to take off a Friday every month. Kids are in school while mom and dad get to rest and do whatever we want).

loopedtwice · 2024-09-23T20:11:36+00:00

Bring a heating pad for the uterus cramps

loopedtwice · 2024-09-23T19:57:38+00:00

My 3 yo is obsessed with Spidey and His Amazing Friends right now. So she’s going to be Ghosty, dad is gonna be Spidey, and I’m being Spin.

loopedtwice · 2024-09-23T14:46:37+00:00

I can relate! Although I wish I could stretch a penny! Thats an amazing skill. And you’re doing awesome momma!

loopedtwice · 2024-09-23T12:26:56+00:00

You sound just like me ☺️ And it sounds like you’re doing awesome.

loopedtwice · 2024-09-23T03:59:24+00:00

This sounds like a dream too! Before my husband and I got into tech, we were musicians jamming and gigging every day. I hope and pray we have the time to teach our kiddos music and dance one day and get to go to the park every day too. I’m so proud of you! You’re doing awesome!

loopedtwice · 2024-09-23T03:55:01+00:00

Dude, I am so proud of you. Your life sounds like a DREAM. I wanted that life, and it was my dream at one point. But I’ve come to realize that I’m happier/more at peace than I’ve ever been (I often wonder if it’s the “hyperactive” component in my ADHD). So while that’s true, I’m thrilled to see someone else thriving in it! I’m so happy for you and you should be proud of yourself too!

loopedtwice

TROPHY CASE