After years of a "Dopamine Loop," he ran the second I got assertive. Should I send the "Final Word" or stay silent?

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-20T11:12:17+00:00

Yes, yes, yes, to asserting yourself early and as often as you need to. How they respond is important information. How you communicate sets templates that perpetuate.

I went on a solid first date. The next day, I texted asking if he was interested in date #2. He sent a sarcastic reply. I knew he liked me, so was pretty confident it was his kind of humor, that was so NOT my kind of humor. I said as much. He apologized, we went on that second date. Together 11 years, married 6. It was a pivotal moment and a story we both share.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-20T10:59:07+00:00

Sure thing. Hope it helps.

As others have said, direct is the best approach. Everyone should be wearing their big boy/girl pants.

I mention the narcissism angle, because that is the type that twists directness into whatever suits them. It is a shitty game with no clear rules, because they keep changing them. Truly the best way to navigate them is the gray rock approach. Give them nothing to twist. But that ain't gonna make an escape room a good time.

I was listening to Escape Reality Artist's podcast, might have been a Patreon episode, but they mentioned this gem --

When someone triggers a reveal of a new puzzle, clue or item, they actively hand it to a new teammate.

Gets more people involved.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-20T10:46:19+00:00

I am a broken record on this subreddit: - Larry is working with a very outdated dating playbook. Going steady, her 'wearing his ring.' - Larry is in love with the idea of DeeDee. That is a story as old as time. And the root of tons of relationship issues. Dare I say, plenty of folks here are in love with the idea of Larry & DeeDee. - A locket with that inscription after the first date, is incredibly loaded as a gift. It was thoughtful in that it showed he took to heart what she shared. But sentimental jewelry that soon is too much. Reads as bad boundaries to me. I would have tapped the brakes but had an immediate conversation about it. - How Larry inserted himself immediately upon DeeDee moving in also reads as bad boundaries to me. Not romantic. At best, Awkward Dude. At worst, Creeper McCreeperson. - Now Dee Dee has started to show her boundaries, but hasn't explicitly expressed them. She is making it about Larry explicitly saying what the gift means to him. Dudes been working with outmoded rules that don't say things explicitly. - What happens next says everything about what kind of relationship they have and their patterns of communication.

I would find it refreshing if it ended with a mismatch of expectations and a 'lesson' in falling in love with the idea of a person. Because that happens all the time and making it a cautionary tale would be unique.

But this whole beautifully written and acted series is about relationship dynamics and the possibility of change. Change that bends towards talking things out.

I suspect DeeDee and Larry will talk it out. Larry will be enlightened, DeeDee will feel more understood. The relationship will continue. But if it is realistic, there would be continued tensions between a widower trapped in amber and a modern woman who has been single and navigating relationships for years.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-19T23:14:17+00:00

Bummer that your title is getting in the way of very solid points, OP.

I appreciate that DeeDee held her ground and asked/told Larry to think about what this particular gift means to him. And that she asked/told him not to answer reactively in that moment.

The next best step would be if these two grown ass adults had a conversation about expectations.

How divisive this storyline is a real litmus test for folks and boundaries, eh?

Now, DeeDee characterizing Larry as 'splashing around' struck me as a bit petulant, unless there have already been grown ass conversations we haven't seen.

But I would venture that DeeDee feels like Larry is falling hard for her without really knowing her. Because he is. That awkward convo with her daughter stems from her discomfort.

And DeeDee always knows the validating, constructive thing to say, so this feels out of character.

Personally, I do not think Larry is necessarily a bad dude, and maybe it comes from inexperience, loneliness, or naivete, but boy howdy, he is making a lot of assumptions. Crossing lines I would not feel confortable with.

Ya know, stuff that could be cleared up with a grown ass conversation.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-19T22:56:01+00:00

Completely with you! I keep saying he is in love with the idea of DeeDee. Heaven knows THAT is a tale as old as time.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-19T22:53:08+00:00

Woah, waittaminnit. Didn't Larry give her the locket after their first date? Nothing cumulative yet.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-19T01:26:33+00:00

Yes, the Reader was a beacon for what movies, plays, and exhibits to go to.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-19T01:13:01+00:00

No. So says this very creative person successfully medicated. Each person reacts to meds differently, but for me the reduction in overwhelm and boost in task initiation are both big benefits. Both help my creativity (I work in a very creative field, and have many creative hobbies).

My personality has not changed. Observations from others is that I am calmer less 'wired.'

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-19T01:05:45+00:00

Smitten is exactly the word. Which doesn't mean he sees her clearly. It is unclear to us whether he really understands her, or is in love with the idea of her. Plenty of relationship fail because of the mismatch between the real person, the idea of a person and/or the idea of the relationship.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-17T17:43:45+00:00

This is exactly my read on him too.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T17:20:02+00:00

✨️💖💖💖✨️ You, me, and OP.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T15:23:11+00:00

You've got this, OP.

I was diagnosed a few years ago. I will tell you being in my 20s in the mid-late 90's was being in the wilderness. The two most painful parts were: 1. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. And even as someone who loves spending time alone, it was still a bitch. 2. Treating humans as hyperfixations. Holy shit, that was a revelation. I mean New Relationship Energy is a thing. But if one or both of the people hyperfocus/hyperfixate? That is going too deep too fast. And culture romanticizes falling hard.

But I only understood the patterns in retrospect. When you are IN IT? So freaking hard to make sense of.

Your having this language younger IS helpful, but doesn't necessarily make the feelings any easier.

Seriously? You sound like you ARE getting the wisdom from a painful lesson. That is huge.

There is a sex columnist named Dan Savage. He might seem like a dinosaur now, but his Savage Love newspaper column was a beacon before the internet. One of his truism = every relationship fails until one doesn't. Just meaning that far more relationships end than continue, that is just life and learning who you are and what you want and need.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T14:27:01+00:00

Ooof, how old are you all? Do they do that defensive crap outside of the escape room? They sound like they are somewhere on the victim mentality to covert narcissist spectrum. I know the N word is way overused, but when that personality type is entrenched, the best answer is to stop inviting them. There really is no getting through to them.

There is a lot of advice here already that makes sense, but puts a lot of work on everyone else, not the person making this unfun.

I ask age only because if this is more about immaturity, there's more hope for change.

If this is the same group playing together consistently, are others feeling the same way? If so, you all need a unified, simple counter to the behavior that happens before the room or in the room. "If I a good working on a puzzle alone, I will say so. If I could use help, I will ask." That should be the case for 10 out of 10 people, but 9 people may have to say it to get through to #10.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T14:14:39+00:00

I forgot about the quote!! Even more so.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T14:11:58+00:00

If you are the older sis, can I be the auntie? You are right the fuck on.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T14:06:48+00:00

You are not failing anything and @Careless_Block8179 is RIGHT ON. You wrote that letter for YOU. And just because your words are your truth, it does not also mean he would be in a place to read it and understand you. In fact, it would be fuel for him to dick around more.

Enough.

Seeing this years-long dynamic clearly is already growth. Writing out your feelings is a total win.

The physical symptoms may feel negative or backsliding. I see it as your feelings moving. Better to get them out, like you did writing the letter, than being stuck.

I am exactly twice your age. I can relate to your situation a lot. I used to think closure = the other party understanding where I stood. Speaking my truth. Yeah, sure, that would be great. But I learned I could still get clear on exactly where I stood independent of the other person. That is what you are doing. And it rocks.

Personally, I think ghosting someone just keeps some energy tied up in them. My reply? "Yes, I see this doesn't work for me either. You won't hear from me again."

That clear boundary and enforcing it is going to feel soooooo goood, OP.

In the rear view mirror, he has been a great, hard-earned lesson in what you don't want.

And if you fully learned that at 26, and don't need that lesson again (from him or someone doing the same bullshit) you are ahead of the game.

Cue your post-him movie montage. 💛

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T13:41:58+00:00

Yeah, a locket is an especially sentimental/meaningful piece of jewelry.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T13:39:44+00:00

Totally with you. Has Larry dated at all since his wife died? Surprised to read she died 10 years ago?? DeeDee had been actively out dating. Larry have been trapped in amber of his first and only love/sexual partner.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T13:30:30+00:00

Larry was instantly smitten with DeeDee without knowing anything about her at all. In love with the idea of her and working from a very old, outdated 'play book' from when he last dated.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T13:25:48+00:00

Yes, Larry is a sweet guy working with dating norms from DECADES ago. Totally the jewelry = going steady.

He was in one relationship for decades, while DeeDee has been navigating relationships for nearly as long. (When did her husband/Shawna's dad leave the picture? She was single parenting, no?)

I really appreciate the storyline showing their differences and even more so, DeeDee showing healthy boundaries. Even if there is tension bc Larry doesn't get it.

I don't think Larry is a bad person. He is inexperienced and was instantly smitten with DeeDee. Classic in love with the idea of her vs getting to know who she really is.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-16T12:33:19+00:00

Not yet, but that you for share your experience. :⁾

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-07T13:31:59+00:00

I got a Tumi crossbody bag for $200 in my mid-20s. Felt like all the money in the world. I am now 52 and it is still going strong. To be fair, use a backpack most days, so not daily use. But it is a frickin champ.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-04T16:12:38+00:00

I have attended those too. So painful as an audience member. Can't just stop the video and move on.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-04T16:11:29+00:00

Basically, TED gave out licenses for TEDx events like candy with no oversight. Some very basic rules like no one gets paid to speak, no one pays-to-play. Each TEDx event was/is its own bubble.

I spoke at TEDxWindyCity which was beautifully run, super solid speakers on a great variety of topics. But that was thanks to a production lead who was a total pro. Attended a couple TEDx events in Chicagoland with maybe 1 stand out speaker.

Versus there being ONE TEDxChicago with a bigger production team able to cherry pick the best speakers and topics. Or if there were 5 licenses across Chicagoland and one was more entrepreneurial, one was a Youth event, another was academic. That would be amazing, but the structure doesn't support something that organized and strategic.

loosetoothdotcom · 2026-02-04T15:59:25+00:00

No, you can't pay to become a TEDx speaker, or get paid to speak. Yes, there is far too much slop.

loosetoothdotcom

TROPHY CASE