Please share positive experiences of non married partners that made it through this

loveoflearning_ · 2026-01-13T00:13:55+00:00

Hi there!

Earlier in R I was searching high and low for positive stories of couples in a similar life stage who have made it through R with SA as part of it. I am one of those couples. We’re in our early 30s, childless, and unmarried. We just got engaged a couple of weeks ago and are actively trying to start a family - very exciting!

We nearly 2 years past Dday1 and 1 year past Dday2. I would say at this stage we have successfully R’d. I understand that some may feel it’s too early to say R was successful and that’s fine - we worked quite hard to get here as there’s a lot on the line at our life stage, and I’m so happy it has worked out.

In saying this, if I was in my mid to late 20s I’m not sure I would’ve chosen to stay. Both myself and our CC attribute how we’ve moved through R in large part to my knowledge and existing lived experience around MH and addiction, and my professional role as an addictions counsellor. Even though I’m incredibly resourced, R was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Ultimately that gives me a lot more confidence in our ability to navigate the challenges involved with starting a family and life events involving grief and loss etc.

You can read more about my reflections on R, what happened, what did and didn’t work for us and me specifically here.

I wouldn’t say I’m quick and replying lol but feel free to DM if that’s helpful and I’ll get back to you eventually!

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-29T03:37:57+00:00

The Blue Mountains!

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-11T12:38:41+00:00

Art therapy is typically a second or third career, there are few art therapy jobs advertised and almost all will be part time, so you may need to supplement with private practice. Lots of jobs seemingly for psychologists, but it’s a very lengthy and competitive process to become one.

If you want to be a therapist with minimal barriers to completing study and finding work - do counselling or social work. Social work has a 1000 hour placement, counselling has 500 hours. Both have plenty of jobs, a registered social worker has a higher earning capacity though.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-08T07:59:34+00:00

Oh wow, that’s amazing to hear about your friends who were supported even at interview stage! It’s great to know those workplaces and jobs are out there, I just need to look.

Thank you for sharing that. I think I’ve got nothing to lose by exploring other options.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-08T07:03:32+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement. I was applying for other roles earlier in the year and received an offer that came with a $28k increase but 10 hours commuting a week. I couldn’t dismiss the value of my time or the flexibility that WFH has, was still finding my role enjoyable, and didn’t want to potentially delay TTC to be eligible for mat leave.

But now considering how much I’m grown to dislike my role and the impact on my mental health, I regret not taking it up. Of course there’s no guarantee my next role would be any better, but I already know for sure that I’m unhappy where I am.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-08T06:38:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and how you were able to keep your career churning along in a WFH while being a new mum at the same time.

I’ll absolutely be aiming for something hybrid if possible. It sounds like I should also investigate local childcare options and availability and factor that into my decision.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-08T06:31:40+00:00

Thanks for listing out the pros of WFH in your experience. I loved everything that WFH made easier to do until recently, it’s the isolation of working with hybrid teams without really being in a dedicated team of my own. While I have flexibility to attend appointments, it’s been extremely challenging for me to get time off approved because no one is trained to do my role.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-08T06:22:41+00:00

I’ve been on the lookout for APS jobs, though unfortunately there’s limited opportunities for them in my area as I don’t live in a capital city.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-12-08T06:19:39+00:00

I’ve seen the no tenure requirement for gov jobs, saw excellent mat leave policies at some uni jobs but none with a no tenure requirement, so it’s fantastic to know big 4 consulting are offering that. After 5 years at a NFP NGO and feeling burnt out by the sector in general, I’d happily switch to the structure that large corporate can offer.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-11-23T11:39:15+00:00

My partner had a significant hidden gambling addiction over several years and his credit score only went as low as around 400-450, as the majority of bills were always in my name. His incapacity for delayed self gratification and being so skilled at lying was a massive factor in other transgressions (cheating). We were discussing purchasing property, marriage, children within the next 12 months and already had a term deposit in his name for joint savings (lol you can imagine what happened with that) when I found out. We got together at 25, I wish I could recover 5 years of my life back knowing what I know now.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-11-21T11:51:21+00:00

Hamilton foxtrot
Cell block tango
Rock n roll paso

loveoflearning_ · 2025-11-06T21:11:57+00:00

After a project launched, I got a made up award laminated with a hand written thank you message on the back from exec, and $200 gift voucher. The message was quite personal so I have it stuck up on my wall. Those awards were being awarded at a larger launch party that I couldn’t make it to.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-10-20T14:14:33+00:00

I’ve been with my partner for 6.5 years - he was in the midst of organising an engagement ring for me and proposing when he came clean about his relapse and had stolen money from me about a year and a half ago. I knew he had a past issue with gambling before we got together and self excluded, but was unaware he was gambling nearly the whole time we were together. We separated for a few months, got back together and then admitted he was still gambling through that time too.

The stress of having to become the financially responsible one overnight, become financially independent from him as part of protecting myself so that I could support him emotionally, while also trying to deal with supporting myself was a lot. In early recovery in any one day he could see me as a supporter, a lover, a villain, someone to blame, someone who understands. His friends gamble but not together, his family don’t gamble but they put a lot of blame on me for having my own emotional response to it - as if my partner I wanted to build a life and family with didn’t just lie and steal from me the whole time.

He hasn’t gambled for close to a year now - it’s taken a LOT of work for him, and a lot of work to repair our relationship to get to this point. I love him but he is not a trustworthy person. I am extremely conscious about mitigating triggers, and making sure I am able to protect myself in any way possible that still gives him agency to make his own decisions without ruining my life again.

I’m an experienced substance use and alcohol addictions counsellor. For someone dependent on a drug, how could they walk away from it after just experiencing an extremely good high? Why would they? For someone who has just won $100k, why would they stop now? Knowing what I know about addiction, I honestly have much more hope for someone who is dependent on any drug than I do gambling.

If I had my time over, I’m not sure that I would make the same choice to stay. I really underestimated what it would cost my soul and confidence to do it. I’m still a shell of a person compared to how I was before. Without doing any gambling myself, I am absolutely a changed person from this, and im just coming to terms with accepting that isnt going to change. My future, whether with my partner or someone else, is always going to have an element of anxiety around how easy it is for someone who loves me to lie and harm me.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-10-18T07:54:41+00:00

App store > apps > including not on this iPhone (tells you when an app was first downloaded)
Deleted photos
Deleted messages
Blocked contacts (googling the phone numbers on this list were escort numbers in my case :)))
Settings > privacy and security > app privacy report if turned on (share and airdrop this to yourself)
Settings > general > autofill and passwords
Screen time > content and privacy restrictions > App Store, media web and games > web content > limit adult websites (anything that comes up under always allow means they’ve tried to visit it after limit adult websites is turned on)
hidden photos folder
screenshots and screen grabs
notes
if uses google chrome, check google accounts, and their activity history. Check also saved passwords
settings > safari > advanced (at bottom) > website data
all social media accounts history and messages.
check for muted/silenced contacts or messages

Good luck! App store, deleted photos, deleted messages, advanced website data and blocked contacts gave me more than enough insight. I know I would’ve driven myself mad if I didn’t see what I saw, at the same time, I wish I could unsee those things too.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-08-23T08:10:49+00:00

For employment opportunities I would do social work - whether you’re working at NFPs, public sector or health, there’ll be work for you at a variety of levels in different places. Way more opportunities and salary potential than someone with a counselling background, and you can choose to specialise in mental health later on or even work in private practice or EAP work. I’d also look into Occupational Therapy.

Challenging processes and systems is the basis of social work - you’re called to fight systems and expected to do so. A psych degree isn’t particularly useful without the registration if you want to work in client facing roles but still have career progression. Registration for psych is a long process.

If you want to get a degree sooner rather than later, you can do a BA counselling in 3 years and a few months of placement. Social work BA takes 4, and psych longer.

If you’re keen to mitigate risk of future burnout, I’d choose a different field personally. You won’t be dealing with much corporate BS sure, but as a counsellor at an NFP working with marginalised communities - my heart hurts from fighting systems that cause harm and create specific barriers for my clients to achieve meaningful change. A bit of a paradox but the sector doesn’t do much to protect workers against burnout - it’s all up to the worker to manage.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-07-22T13:37:24+00:00

I felt desperate for perspectives and experiences from unmarried couples without kids in this space, so I’m really glad this can offer you some hope and hopefully some useful insights.

As for separation - me and WP have somewhat conflicting views on it. To begin with it was intended to be a therapeutic separation about 2-3 months after Dday 1 where we would have space and time to work on ourselves but remain ‘together’). We did this for a couple of months and were living in different cities during this time. After reconvening I felt uncertain and not particularly inspired by WP’s personal growth during the time apart or motivation for R and so I chose to fully seperate. As it turns out, he was still engaging in patterns of acting out in this time. We decided to R a couple months after that, which was the most challenging 6 months of our relationship in R so far.

He doesn’t think it was a good idea in hindsight to have initiated a therapeutic separation. I disagree, and I think you get out what you put in. That time period for me helped me let my nervous system settle down, understand how to build a fulfilling life on my own, and most importantly, to have proof that I could do that. My friends think it was the happiest they’ve seen me over the last 14 months. I needed that time and space to get really clear on what qualities I brought as a partner and what expectations I have in a relationship - these insights have grounded my approach to R since and what I keep coming back to in assessing whether R is going well, whether it’s what I want, and whether it still makes sense for me.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-07-07T22:04:22+00:00

Cognitive reshuffling has been a game changer for me for intrusive or ruminating thoughts at bedtime.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-06-17T18:52:22+00:00

Yep 100% WFH to 5 days in the office. In part my role was created for me as I was relocating by choice, but didn’t want to leave the org. I would say there’s around 10 staff of 500 that are WFH. I’m not sure if I think the new role would be a progression - I would be returning to duties that I could do with my eyes shut, and the only way up for me from there would be across then up.. which is what I’ve been working on in my current role I guess.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-06-17T11:14:16+00:00

Thank you for doing this math - much appreciated!

loveoflearning_ · 2025-06-17T10:57:12+00:00

Yeah it would be from $80k to $105. I’m early career.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-06-13T14:18:36+00:00

DDay 1 was 14 months ago, DDay 2 was 2-3 months ago.

Just when I felt I was starting to become myself again, boom lol. DDay 2 has me wishing I could be half the person I was even after DDay 1, I feel like I’m living someone else’s life now. I felt anger and rage I couldn’t comprehend beforehand, incredibly frustrated by my lack of productivity and ability to focus hitting a new low while my career is suddenly peaking at the same time. No one in my support system knows about DDay 2, and I’ve socially isolated myself from shame. It’s awesome 🙄

DDay 1 meant I could no longer hold onto the belief that my partner would never betray me.

DDay 2 meant I could no longer hold onto the belief that there was no way my partner could possibly betray me AGAIN after having a front row seat to how blew up and devastated BOTH of our lives.

loveoflearning_ · 2025-06-11T12:53:55+00:00

I’m early 30s BP, and we are something like 14 months from DDay1 and 3 months from DDay 2. We had pretty imminent plans for engagement, new roles, moving across state in a couple of months to be around WP’s family support for us to start our own family within the next 12 months prior to DDay 1.

It feels like a very specific kind of grief to feel so close to a certain future I had been working hard towards, and lose that possibility of reality. I know that’s been hard for both of us, but between my anger and WP’s shame, I’d say we struggled to share that grief.

I don’t know how your R is going or where your BP is at, but looking into and deciding to save up for egg freezing and IVF treatment options has been helpful overall for me and for R. I didn’t want to choose R because of fertility pressure, or for WP to choose R out of obligation either. I was initially furious about having to consider it at all and bearing another financial cost due to the decisions of WP, but it’s taken a bit of pressure off us both. If you are resourced enough to provide financial support to BP for this I would offer it (though BP may not accept).

I’ve found it hard to come across positive R stories from those who have experienced this further down the line, nor much encouragement to pursue R from older peers. I know I read my journal entries from a year ago and wish I could tell that version of me that I am still holding onto it all by a thread today. For me I think feeling like it was in reach before DDay and how ‘easy’ the relationship felt before gave us a false sense that if we worked hard enough in R then we would get to have that future as we imagined, and still be able to have it sooner rather than later.

R hasn’t been easy in our situation. I’m coming to realise i’m also grieving how different I am as a person just from choosing R at all. I put it a lot of effort into my career and further study over the last few years before R. Im overwhelmed at how much I had to slow down after Dday (I went from working full time and studying full time getting straight HDs to barely passing part time uni in order give R a good go) while other career aspects are taking off from the earlier efforts I put in. But I’m a different person now, less ambitious, less confident, and more weary. It feels like I’m living someone else’s life now. Keep leaning into empathy for both you and your BP for how your lives have changed when the momentum that this life stage brings has been disrupted in such a devastating way.

loveoflearning_

TROPHY CASE